11
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I was depressed.
I admitted it, finally, as I found myself back in the guest-chambers that had somehow become my own room. Because of Raegan, apparently, but I didn’t have the energy to dissect that.
I was back in Saoghal yet I felt as heavy as ever, like my feet were in a quicksand of pure tar and every time I tried to adjust, every time I tried to fight my way to freedom, I was being dragged deeper and deeper.
By the time I got back to the room, I was already in a bad mood.
After meeting with Rory again and feeling that natural flow of friendship that we had from day one, then tracking my way into the castle where my friends resided, I felt dirty.
Like my soul would never quite recover from betraying both sides; in my dishonesty to Rory and my deceit of Raegan and Killian.
That tempered rage only furthered itself when I realized I had to get ready for dinner. In my short time in Saoghal, I had never gotten myself ready. It was always Niamh, arms full of junk that she proceeded to assault my hair and face with.
Running away from Saoghal over a year ago had allowed me to put her in a trunk in my chest, that I locked up tight and would never open again.
So this time, when I stood in the center of my room and looked around just as she had once looked around within a castle in a different kingdom, I felt that encroaching loneliness.
Eventually, I found myself sitting in the stool against one of the windows, staring at the blank space on the floor. There was a table in front of me, on which there were brushes and kohl, powders and blushes, but I couldn’t look at them. I certainly couldn’t think of using them.
I thought I only remained in that position for a few minutes, but what I later realized was an hour later, some knuckles rapped at my door several times. I didn’t answer, I just continued to stare at nothing down by my toes.
“Olivia?”
Raegan’s voice was the only thing capable of zapping me out of that trance. My spine suddenly straightened, my head upon it, and I blinked several times in the direction of that door. All the while, my chest was burning as if hot coal had been pushed into my lungs.
“Co–come in.”
The door creaked open, a noise so painfully irritating yet capable of sending a shiver down my spine, and a second later Raegan’s head popped into the room.
After scanning the space and finding me tucked into a dark corner in a room full of windows, he frowned and entered the room completely, shutting the door behind him.
Every time I saw Raegan he simply became more grand. At this time his hair was thoroughly combed, detailed with intricate little braids throughout and completed by being half pulled up. There, his discrete piercings flashed just as a firefly buzzed past him.
He adjusted the length of his dark surcoat a few times, before clearing his throat and narrowing his eyes at me. “Dinner is about to start.”
“Okay,” I said as I crossed my hands in my lap, letting my eyes move off of him and to them instead.
“Do you wish to join us?”
“Yes.”
No matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t capable of keeping the entirety of his chuckle muffled. “Come then, little human. I shall escort you.”
“I’m…” My words trailed off as I stared at the brush at my side. “I’m not ready.”
I wasn’t even sure if what that excuse made any sense, as if my pixie friends cared whether or not my hair was brushed or my face was painted in powders.
I was relieved when Raegan continued to bore into me with his gaze, his eyes peeling apart all that I was and revealing to him the heavy truth in the way I flinched away from such an intense stare.
But he did not comment on the fact it was an excuse. He simply accepted it.
“Alright,” he said, taking a small step into the room. “Do you need me to send for someone?”
All I could manage was a small shake of my head, my eyes still as cowardly as I was.
Silence stretched for a few moments, almost causing me to believe he was gone. I didn’t need to look up to confirm he still lingered, because his mere presence would never fail to alert every inch of my body.
He did, after some time, start moving. Those movements were swift and silent, because he was all of a sudden behind me, pulling a collection of my hair over my shoulder where he let his fingers run through it.
“I may not be a master in such things, but I would like to help you. If you’ll let me?”
Though he said otherwise, he did not let me protest. With a tight jaw and grinding teeth, I let him maneuver around me for a few moments as he gathered a brush and a handful of my hair.
It was on the third or fourth brush of my hair that I finally let out a deep breath.
Feeling him behind me, his hands working quietly just as his breathing rushed over my scalp – it was the strangest of comforts that I leant backwards against. My spine grazed his legs, releasing a chuckle from his throat.
“You are going to be late to your own dinner,” I hummed as my eyes fluttered shut, my whole body giving in to the simple peace of this strange interaction.
He chuckled once more. “You say that as if I should care.”
I couldn’t help but let the corner of my lip curl upwards.
He was Raegan. He was the Raegan that I knew, that wore many masks and could contort his face into that of wickedness, but that always remained beneath it all.
Everyone was wrong. He had not changed.
His movements were so soft, so subtle, that on one of many passes through my hair with the brush, I didn’t notice as one of his hands wandered.
It was only for a moment, the quickest of seconds, but his calloused fingers dragged along the base of my neck, sending a refreshing shudder through my body that caused me to melt into his touch.
I didn’t mean to release the soft gasp that came from me, but when I did, he removed his hand and returned to brushing.
“Actually,” he murmured as he slipped a large section of remaining hair back over my shoulder and set the brush down next to me. “We need not go to dinner, Olivia. Let me go and get some food for you. Let us just remain here. Perhaps we can even talk?”
I twisted around ever so slowly, until I finally allowed myself to look him in the eye. The Raegan that I thought had been lost, the one that stood on a balcony with me to say goodbye, was staring down at me.
Though he sounded hopeful at the suggestion of talking, I did not. Not because I didn’t want to talk, not because I did not trust Raegan or his ability to listen. But because he was Raegan, and I knew that if he asked me to, I would soon be baring my whole soul to him.
“It’s okay,” I said, pushing up to my feet and stumbling away from his chest. “I want to see everyone again.”
His eyes flicked over my face several times, as if he was capable of seeing beneath a mask just as I could for him. Narrowing his eyes, he nodded a few times and offered me the bend of his elbow.
“Well, then let us go to dinner.”
~
Raegan led me through the hallway, down the staircase, and only paused once we were back on the main level.
“You are sure you wish to dine with them?”
“Yes.”
He let out a deep breath and a grin crept over his face. “They’re rowdy, you know. Some of them missed you.”
“Some of them, hey?”
That shred of humour slowly faded from his face as his eyes softened. “Some of them more than others, yes.”
“Raegan–” My words were halted by the sudden need to swallow as I stepped closer to him. “I want to talk to you about something. Well, I want to ask you something, really.”
His eyebrows formed a straight line as he looked down at me, his head angled awkwardly just to do so. “What is it?”
“My… I’m…” I took a deep breath, fighting the urge to shy away from the permanent intensity of his eyes. “I’ve been feeling… weird around you.”
Something flashed behind his eyes, something that I would normally equate with humour but his face did not shift. “Any fool can see you are quite taken with me, little human. I thought that was obvious.”
I let out a chuckle as I pinched at his forearm. “Very funny.”
“Then what is it?” he asked as he settled into the image of a king once more. I hated that – that ability of his to shift into whatever personality he needed.
“My chest… My breathing… The very beating of my heart – it changes. And I’ve heard stories and tales of the mating–”
Raegan’s sharp laugh full of falseness and ingenuity made my heart sink. “Mating bond?” Another laugh, another knife right through my soul. “You’re human, Olivia. You cannot be bound to a mate. And certainly not me.”
There must be a level above embarrassment, because it washed over me like a furious wave that made my body flush with heat.
“Then what–”
“Come,” he said, turning away from me and affirming the bend of his elbow around mine. “They’ll be waiting for us.”
I really wished I could have hated him at that moment. But he was Raegan. And that thing I was trying to tell him about – it didn’t want me to hate him. So with a sigh and a grumble beneath my breath, I let the King of two kingdoms lead me towards a dining hall full of pixies.