49. Hannah
CHAPTER 49
HANNAH
“ O kay, girls, those signs look great!” Caroline says, smiling at the large run-through signs the girls spent the last hour of practice working on today. “Just leave them here for now, and y’all can go. We’ll let them dry tonight, and then tomorrow we’ll fold them all up and pack them with everything for the game. Just remember to practice that new dance for the pep rally Thursday night, and we’ll run it hard at practice tomorrow.”
The girls nod, grabbing their stuff and making their way out of the small cheer room off the side of the gym.
Before we leave, Maggie runs over, holding out her phone for us to see. “I wanted to wait until everyone else was gone because I’m terrified of jinxing it, but I got this email today from the coach at Smith’s Valley University. She saw our state routine and she wants me to come to their clinics this spring. She said she thinks I would be a great addition to the Wildcats!”
“Oh my gosh, Maggie, that's incredible!” I tell her, hugging her quickly before Caroline does the same.
“Thank you. I know I’ve gotta keep working, but I think this might really work. And it wouldn’t have been possible without the both of you spending so much time helping me these last few months. I know it’s not been the most convenient, but I’m really grateful for everything the two of you have done for me,” Maggie says with a smile.
“Of course. We’re so glad we could help. Now, we gotta get you on that team so we can come watch you on that sideline next year!” Caroline exclaims, and I nod in agreement.
After another minute of chatting, Maggie heads out, leaving me alone with my best friend. Caroline and I both stand and spend a few minutes straightening up, before getting ready to leave. I’m throwing on my oversized jacket to get ready to make my way to my car when Caroline says, “So, no pressure, but do you want to talk about it yet?”
“Talk about what?” I ask, turning and looking at her in confusion.
“Whatever it is that’s had you acting so weird the last few weeks. I mean, obviously you don’t have to tell me, but I just want you to know I’m here for you, no matter what,” she tells me, and I don’t miss the look of concern on her face.
I blink at her before feeling my shoulders sink under the weight of everything I’ve been keeping from her, but after everything Will said last night, I know it’s time to come clean to her.
“I—I—I’m sorry Caroline, but I’ve been keeping something from you and Margaret. I’ve honestly been keeping this secret for a long time. I think I’m ready to tell you, but God, it’s so hard,” I tell her, feeling my eyes already filling with tears.
Caroline’s eyes widen, and she comes over, wrapping her arm around me and pulling me into her arms. “Hannah, you know you can tell me anything. I’ve been waiting, and Theo told me you’d come to me when you were ready, but I hate seeing you like this. Why don’t we text Margaret to meet us at your house? We’ll eat pizza and junk food, and you can tell us whatever you’re ready to share.”
I nod, allowing her to lead me out of the gym and to her car while I continue to cry quietly to myself. “I’m not letting you drive like this. Either I’ll stay with you tonight, or I’ll give you a ride back in the morning.”
I don’t say anything, just allowing her to take control while I sit in the passenger seat and try to figure out how I’m going to explain everything that I’ve been keeping from her. Before I know it, Caroline’s turning down the driveway of the farmhouse, and I look up to see Leroy running toward the car in excitement.
“He really just does whatever he wants, doesn’t he?” Caroline teases, and I feel my mouth lift in a smile at the sight.
“Yeah, I’ve given up at this point,” I mutter, getting out of the car and heading into the house. Caroline follows with Leroy right on her heels. After a moment, Ruby comes running to the door from her pen, not wanting to be left out. Caroline just steps back, letting them in before shaking her head at my chaos.
“Margaret will be here in less than five. She stopped to grab pizza,” she announces, throwing herself on the couch while I head to the fridge to grab a bottle of wine. “Leroy, I don’t think you’re supposed to get on the couch, buddy!”
I roll my eyes at his antics, pouring three glasses of wine just as Margaret bursts through the front door. “I got the 911 text, and I came bearing junk food. Is something wrong on the farm? Is your gramps okay? And wait, why is Leroy on the couch? And did you know there’s a cow in your house?” She points to where Ruby’s curled up on the floor, and I just shrug.
“No, nothing like that. And ignore him. Hannah just needs to talk to us,” Caroline explains, holding out her hand to take the glass from my hand.
Settling onto the couch beside her, I curl up next to her and grab a piece of pizza while Caroline and Margaret wait for me to begin. Taking a deep breath, I finally say, “I’m really sorry, but I’ve been keeping something from the both of you. And I know what I’m about to say is a lot, so I’m sorry.”
Both of my friends’ eyes widen at that, but I know if I stop I’ll lose my nerve so I continue, looking at Caroline. “You know the summer before junior year in Tuscaloosa? You stayed back to work and I came home to help Gramps on the farm?”
She nods in acknowledgement, before saying, “Yeah, I do. I remember you seemed so sad when you came back in the fall, but you never wanted to talk about it.”
“Yeah, you’re right. There were so many times I wanted to tell you, but I could never figure out what to say. But here we go. That summer, Will had a job working for my gramps. We spent the whole summer together, and we fell head over heels for each other.”
Both Margaret and Caroline’s mouths are open in shock, but I continue. “I don’t really know how it happened, but I gave him my entire heart that summer. We promised each other forever and made plans to move back here when we were both done with school. All we wanted was to start a family together.”
I pause to take a sip of my wine, and Margaret interrupts, “Wait. What? I know I’m still new here, but this doesn’t make any sense. I thought y’all hated each other. What the hell happened?”
“I’m getting to it,” I say, looking over at Caroline who still hasn’t said anything. “Just let me finish before you decide you hate me, okay?”
“I could never hate you, Han,” she says, wrapping her arm around me. “I’m just shocked. I mean, I’ve always thought y’all would be great together if you ever stopped wanting to rip each other’s heads off. And don’t get me wrong, there’ve been times that I definitely was a little suspicious. I just never thought you’d ever really go for it.”
“Totally understandable. But as for what happened, here’s where it kinda gets ugly.”
“I swear to God if he broke your heart and you’ve just let me live in oblivion…” Caroline mutters, leaning back on the couch and crossing her arms over her chest.
I smile sadly at that before responding. “Not quite. Actually, I was the one who called it off.”
Pausing and tipping back my wine, I drain my glass before deciding to go for it. “Right before the summer ended, I went to the doctor to get on birth control, and it didn’t go well. He was the biggest ass I’ve ever met, and I was diagnosed with PCOS. But instead of explaining it and talking me through it, he told me that I’d never be able to have children. I knew that the life that Will and I had planned was never gonna happen so I ended it.”
“And he let you walk away because some doctor said you might not be able to have children. What a fucking pig!” Caroline blurts, and Margaret nods along with her.
“I didn’t tell him why,” I mutter, and both of my friends freeze at that.
“Oh, Han,” Caroline mutters. “What did you say then?”
“I told him that there was no future with me, and I didn’t want to be together. That it had just been a silly summer fling, and I hadn’t meant a word when I said I wanted us to stay together. I didn’t know all the details at the time, but apparently, he was also dealing with some stuff with his dad. Honestly, I don’t think either of us were in the right headspace that day to have any sort of real healthy communication.”
“Well that does make sense, but, Hannah, it’s been years. Why didn’t you talk to him after everything settled?”
I smile sadly, nodding in agreement. “I should have. I’d actually hyped myself up to do it. But life kind of struck again, and by the time I got it together it felt like too late.”
“What else happened?” Caroline asks, her eyes wide.
“You’re gonna be mad,” I mutter, feeling the guilt tightening in my chest as I brace myself to drop the rest of the truth on them.
My best friend leans over and hugs me again, before responding, “I promise I won’t, Han. I just want to understand.”
“Well, I promised myself that I’d talk through everything with him as soon as we both moved home. I got a second and third opinion, and I was feeling pretty good about what the future might look like. But then, I had my appendectomy.”
“I remember that. I was already home, and you insisted I didn’t have to come back,” Caroline adds. “But I guess there was more to it?”
I nod. “Yeah. It turns out that my appendix wasn’t all they had to take. In addition to the PCOS, I had something called endometriosis. It doesn’t show up on scans or anything, so they had no idea. Most people just have it on their ovaries and stuff, but mine had spread. It fused a lot of my organs together, and it basically killed off everything. There wasn’t anything they could do, so they had to do an emergency hysterectomy.”
My voice shakes at that, and I wipe a lone tear as it streams down my face. Caroline and Margaret stare at me for a moment in shock, before Caroline throws herself at me, knocking me over with the force of her hug. “Oh my God, Hannah. I’m so fucking sorry. I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with all this on your own. I’m not mad, but why didn’t you tell me?”
I hug her back, as I try to figure out how to make her understand. “Honestly, I don’t really know. I’m sorry, Caro. I just felt like if I talked about it, it was real you know? I thought that if I could just pretend none of it had happened, then it’d be okay. And by the time that happened there was just so much, and I didn’t know where to start.
Margaret leans over and squeezes my hand. “I get it. I know I’m still kinda new here, and this was a little before my time but this was so much for you to process. There’s no way to deal with grief, Hannah.”
Caroline nods. “She’s right. None of this is about me. I just hope you knew that I would have been there for you, and you didn’t have to take this all on by yourself.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kept this from you,” I tell her, as we both wipe the tears that have started streaming down our faces.
“But wait. What about you and Will? Does he still not know? And why act like you both hated each other all this time?” Margaret asks.
I blush at that, thinking back to all the silly arguments Will and I have had over the last few years. “Well, I overheard him telling Seth how much he couldn’t stand me a few years ago, so I decided to act like I hated him as much as I thought he hated me. It turns out we were both wrong—we were just both sexually frustrated.”
The girls laugh at that before I continue. “Will does know. I actually fessed up to him last night, and he encouraged me to talk to y’all.”
“Last night?” Caroline asks, raising her eyebrows. “But you were with us last night…”
“He came over after I got home. We’ve been acting like idiots, and we thought we could be just sex. But, I guess you could say we failed at that.”
“Oh my God, Hannah!” Caroline exclaims, her eyes wide. “I knew you were hiding something, and I was suspicious at the state cheer thing, but I just told myself there was no way. How long has this been happening?”
“Umm, the night we went to Boot Scooters,” I say sheepishly, while Margaret and Caroline shriek.
“I knew it! Headache, my ass. You weren’t looking for Tylenol!” Caroline accuses and I shrug in acceptance.
“You caught us,” I tease, reaching forward to refill my wine glass before taking another long sip.
“But wait, that was months ago. So, are y’all together, together? What’s the plan?” Margaret asks curiously before leaning over to rub Leroy’s belly where he’s spread out on the sofa beside her.
“I guess you could say we’re figuring it out. We’ve been sneaking around, and it was supposed to be just for fun, but it’s definitely more. I didn’t tell him anything until last night, and it was obviously a lot to take in. He’s been hinting at wanting a relationship for weeks, but I said no because I thought he’d run in the other direction once I told him why I ended everything. Plus, we haven’t talked about how to handle the school thing.”
“Okay, well, from everything you’ve said, it sounds like he’s not going anywhere. So what do you want?” Caroline asks, and I take a minute to think over my response.
“I mean, in a perfect world, I’d want to be together. I gave my heart to him that summer, and I’ve never really gotten it back, you know? But I also can’t help but feel like I’m being selfish because I know he wants a life I can’t give him.”
“Hannah Marie Scott, I know that you’re not thinking about giving up a life you want just because you’re scared!” Caroline exclaims, sitting up straight and looking like she’s ready to fight with me if she hears an answer she doesn’t like.
“No, no. Not anymore. Not really, at least. I mean, a small part of me is probably always gonna worry about that, but I’m working on reminding myself that it’s not the truth. We just decided we’d figure it out after I talked to y’all, plus we all have just a little bit going on this week with the championship coming up in two days,” I tell them, and they nod at my answer.
“Yeah, that makes sense. But wait, can the two of you date since you both work at the school? I thought I’ve heard you talk about that before,” Margaret interjects.
“That’s been my argument,” I admit before adding, “but apparently Will isn’t really worried about it.”
“You know, I’ve always heard people talk about that, but I’ve never actually seen any proof that a rule exists,” Caroline says, and I shrug.
“You may be right. I just figured that we’d figure it out after Friday.”
“That makes sense,” Margaret agrees as Caroline reaches over and grabs my hand.
“I know this has been a lot, and I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with all this on your own for so long. But I hope you know we’re always here for you, Han. We love you, and you’re never getting rid of us.”
I feel my eyes well with unshed tears at the sincerity in her voice. “I know, Caroline, I’m sorry. And I love you both too.”
Margaret and Caroline both lean in to hug me, and I soak in the feeling of being surrounded by my best friends. After a minute, Leroy looks over from his perch on the couch and scoots closer, not wanting to feel left out.
“You know when I moved to Springside, I didn’t really see myself cuddling on a couch with my girlfriends and her pet pig, but here we are,” Margaret says, and we all burst into a fit of giggles.
“Yeah, it wasn’t exactly on my bingo card, but I wouldn’t change a thing,” Caroline teases, causing me to smile.
“Me either,” I admit, as Caroline looks up expectantly.
“So, now that the cat’s outta the bag, I gotta know… You said the two of you tried doing the whole just sex thing, but you didn’t mention how the sex was?”
“Yeah, no offense to Caroline, but I’d love to hear a story that didn’t involve my brother,” Margaret adds, causing us to chuckle again.
“Oh my God, y’all would not believe,” I tease, taking another sip of wine and patting Leroy who’s pushed Margaret out of the way to cuddle in closer to me. And as my friends settle in to gossip, I finally feel like everything might work out.