13. Jareth
Settled on my luxury jet ready for takeoff, Hazel and I still hadn’t spoken. She kept her green gaze fixated on the airport buildings around us.
I’d really fucked up.
Anger still raged through me that she had agreed to a date with someone else. This thing with Hazel was throwing me off my game. My previously unflappable mind was acting in ways I could barely process nevermind understand.
My phone buzzed with an incoming text.
JESS
Did you talk to her yet? It’s not up to you to decide for both of you.
JARETH
This is none of your concern.
JESS
Fuck that. And you still haven’t thanked me yet.
JARETH
For what?
JESS
I knew finding out she had a date would light a fire under your ass. Please tell me you’re taking her somewhere warm so you two can lay on the beach naked together.
JARETH
She’s sitting right next to me.
JESS
And she’s clearly not talking to you if you’re talking to me.
JARETH
It’s complicated.
JESS
It’s not. Even James said you shouldn’t be such a pussy.
JARETH
Tell Alden I can figure out a way to extend our contract.
In an attempt to gain Jess’s controlling shares of her parents’ company, Alden had purchased three percent of my shares with the addendum he had to come work for me in the capacity of bodyguard when I needed him. I’d yet to have him fulfill his end of the contract. It was more the thrill of having someone under my thumb. The thrill of the chase versus the need to have him on my staff. He hated me for it.
JESS
He said to go fuck yourself.
JARETH
On that note, I need to get Hazel to acknowledge me before we land.
I hated to admit this to Jess, but I didn’t know what to do to fix the mess I’d created.
JARETH
I canceled her date.
JESS
Dude. What is wrong with you?
JARETH
We’re also on our way to Bali.
The bubbles started and then stopped. Then started up again.
JESS
This is what I get for not asking more questions. You said tropical. NOT a twenty-four-hour flight. There’s no way you’ll get back in time for Christmas you fucking idiot.
I rubbed the back of my neck.
JARETH
I wasn’t thinking clearly.
It was hard to admit my weakness, but I needed Jess’s help.
JESS
Apologize. Grovel. And make sure Bali is the next best thing to a Christmas here. And for fuck’s sake talk to her. Hazel isn’t like the vapid women who usually want you. She’s a good person. Far better than either of us and for some fucking reason, she cares about you. Give the two of you a real chance and just tell her what’s going on in that thick head of yours.
JARETH
I’ll try.
Hazel didn’t turn her head once as I messaged with Jess. Now that I was done with my conversation, I stared at her and worked on what I should say. She turned on her side and pulled the fluffy blanket firmly up so high it practically covered her face. It made me reconsider having brought it onboard since it covered her tempting body.
Although, ogling her was the last way to get in her good graces. I cleared my throat. “Hazel.”
“No, I don’t want to hear your excuses. I’m still mad at you, Jareth.”
“I know you are. I’m sorry.” I was sorry about ruining her Christmas, but I had no qualms about taking her out of the country so she couldn’t date another man.
I sounded like a fucking psycho.
She continued to ignore me, burrowing further into the warmth of the blanket. I needed to get her carry-on. I’d packed a sweatshirt for her at least. Her other lightweight coat was in the larger suitcase in the storage compartment.
“Hazel, look at me.”
When she didn’t acknowledge my request I tried again. “Please.”
Her eyes barely showed above the top of the blanket as she turned her piercing gaze towards me. “Was that so hard?” Her sarcasm was clear.
“What can I do to make this right?” I was used to demanding what I wanted. But for Hazel I’d do whatever I needed to do.
She tugged the blanket down beneath her chin and sighed. “I don’t know right now.”
At least she was talking to me.
She sighed. “Tell me what Terri said.” If this was an olive branch I’d take it. Until now I’d kept her in the dark about the dealings with finding my father’s killer. I never knew the extent of what I’d need to do to find the information I sought and I hadn’t wanted to taint Hazel with that part of my life. The fact that I brought her here, still feeling that way, spoke to the desperation swirling inside of me at possibly losing her.
“His informant said they heard the Sultons mention a guy that used to work with Dad. He might know something about my father’s death.”
“For your sake I hope he’s able to give you what you need.” She gave me a small smile. Not the radiant one I was used to, but it was a start.
I cleared my throat. “I will find a way to show you I’m sincere in my apology.”
Her gaze bore into me as though weighing the truth of my words.
“You want to soften me? To earn my trust back?”
I nodded.
“Then tell me why I’m here on this trip with you.”
I rubbed the back of my neck and looked at the ceiling. I hadn’t expected to get to this part so soon. Deep down I wanted to tell her, but if I did and we started something I feared I’d never be able to let her go. Even if it was for her own good.
Frustration flashed in her eyes. “Forget I asked.”
I grabbed her small hand between mine. The spark I always felt at her touch settled down to a low hum of comfort and desire. It gave me courage even when she tugged her hand from my grasp.
“Jess called me last night when they were convincing you to accept that date.”
Her brow creased in confusion.
“Fuck. Hearing you say that you were done waiting and willing to move on did something to me.” I leaned in closer to her, and shut down every instinct that demanded I pull her into my arms.
“So, help me, Jareth. If you’re about to say you stole me away because you didn’t want me to date someone else I’m going to deck you.” Her fingers curled into a fist.
“I was jealous.” I held up my palm when her eyes glittered with anger. “You’re right. I didn’t want you to go on that date. I didn’t want another man’s hands on you. I didn’t want to lose you to someone else. Which forced me to stop ignoring every warning that blares on a constant loop in my head telling me not to repeat what happened between us at the Christmas party.”
Her hand relaxed. Now her gaze was more curious than angry.
I paused waiting for her to jump in and say something. When she didn’t I continued. “Yet the logic in my decision remains the same. You deserve better than me.”
“Don’t you think that’s a decision I should get to make?” she asked.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” The truth fell from my lips. The sincerity of them etched into each vowel, each consonant. I’d never had this deep-seated desire to protect anyone more than I did with Hazel. With her eternal optimism, I sometimes forgot how fast she needed to grow up as a child. How she saw things kids should be sheltered from.
“You already have.” She gave me a sad smile.
I groaned.
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but wasn’t this pain better than the one she’d feel later when I was too focused on finding out who was responsible for my father’s death? Or when I threw myself into work and didn’t emerge for days. When she wasn’t given all the attention and love she deserved because I was incapable of giving it. Even knowing she deserved better than me, the thought of her with someone else drove me to the brink of madness.
“You’re letting fear dictate your actions,” she pointed out.
Fear didn’t play a part in my life except when it came to her. “I want to protect you.”
Her eyes softened at my admission. “You can’t. You’re so afraid that together we will crash and burn yet have you ever thought about what might happen if we don’t?”
I hadn’t. I didn’t dare let myself dream of being with her.
She lifted one hand to cup my jaw. I reveled in her touch. “When will you understand you deserve so much more than what you allow yourself?”
Each muscle locked in place at her question. A physical way for my psyche to fight against her words and her gentle touch. When I spoke my voice sounded raspy. “I want you to have everything you desire, Hazel. You should have a life and love that is untouched, unmarred by anything bad in this world.”
“Don’t you get it, Jareth.” She dropped her hand from my face and her usually bright eyes dimmed the tiniest bit. “My life has already touched that part of the world and I survived. Now, I choose to be happy. I choose not to let the dark shadows invade or settle within me. I choose to live the life I do. I’ve been through enough therapy to know everything is a choice. Nothing about you or who you are can change who I am fundamentally.”
Hazel was stronger than I gave her credit for. When she said it like that it sounded so easy.
“Here’s the thing. I’m still mad at you. And while I still expect you to fully make up for what you did, this is the first time we’ve ever really talked about this thing between us. And I can’t keep wondering ‘what if’ with you. So this will be the last time I ask… ” she paused, her hands fluttering at her side.
The air shifted and my breath tightened in my chest. I knew without her voicing it what she was going to say. Part of me rejoiced at hearing it and the other panicked at the thought.
“Are you willing to take a risk and see if we can find happiness together?” The question, while spoken softly, had a hint of steel underlining each word.
She meant it. If I continued to deny us she would walk away from me.
My mouth grew dry and my chest tight. Her words seared through me, making my heart ache. My decision right now decided our fate. She was laying down the gauntlet, letting me know she was done, allowing me to push her away. Or ask her to stay.
I wrapped one of my hands behind her neck, drawing her closer to me. Her sweet honeysuckle scent washed over me and I wanted nothing more than to breathe in that scent, every day for eternity. “I can’t promise you forever.”
She nodded. “I know, but can you at least promise to try?”
“Yes,” I said. And I could. For her I’d push past my reservations. I couldn’t live with myself if I let her go one more time.
Now that I’d committed to trying, there was no going back. Her eyes sparkled with hope and that hope reached toward my soul. A small, miniscule dot lodged into the deepest recesses, and for the first time I wanted it to take hold and grow into something beautiful.
I’m not sure who moved first, but in the next moment my lips were on hers, frantically devouring them. I fumbled with the strap to her belt and hauled her into my lap. I needed her as close to me as possible. For her to feel how much I wanted her mentally and physically.
I had no idea how I lived before she came into my life. Then it hit me that I hadn’t been living. I’d been surviving on rage and vengeance.
She slid one arm around my back and her hand found its way to the nape of my neck. When her nails lightly scratched against my scalp I groaned at how good that simple touch felt.
“Stop thinking.” Her lips quirked against my mouth.
“I need to up my game if you’re still clear headed enough to keep talking.”
“Maybe you do. And I need to as well if you’re overthinking things still.” She frowned.
I pushed the other arm rest out of the way before grabbing her hips. The sequins of her pants digging into my palms as I lifted her. “Straddle me,” I demanded.
Her legs instantly went on either side of my thighs. My cock had already sprung to attention at the feel of her pouty lips and now, as her hips lined up with mine, and she slid forward, I was angry we both weren’t naked.
Hazel whimpered at the contact and rolled forward to increase the friction between us.
“Does that feel good, Sunshine?” The nickname fit. She brought the rays of the sun into my gray life.
She bit her lip and nodded.
“I need to hear it.” I cupped her cheeks and didn’t speak until her green eyes met mine. “Whether it’s good or bad, I want you to tell me. And I’m not only talking about the physical part of this.”
That blush I loved instantly colored her cheeks. Her chin tilted up. I respected that even though she was uncertain about what she was going to reveal she owned it. “About that. This is embarrassing to admit, but full disclosure I haven’t been with anyone before.”
My fingers froze against her cheek. I’d suspected she had little experience, but a virgin? “You’re a virgin?” Somehow the shock and awe didn’t soften my words.
“Yes.” She didn’t hesitate.
I cupped her cheek, her green eyes locked on mine. She trusted me. Of all the people she could give this gift to, the person who didn’t deserve her, yet she wanted me to be her first. The old me would have put up walls, shut down and blocked her out completely. But now, I was honored and humbled, and I’d be damned if the experience wasn’t everything she wanted it to be.
She leaned into my touch. “I wasn’t saving myself or anything. I was just really shy in high school and while I was getting my associates degree I was working two jobs and caring for Gran.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
She grinned. “Isn’t this when you’re so supposed to get all cocky about being my first?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Only an asshole would do that.”
Her laughter washed over me, her breath a light puff of air in my face. “I’m kidding. I wanted to tell you in case that side of things was a little disappointing to you.” She bit her lip as though trying to work through her thoughts about this.
“You could never disappoint me.” I shifted her in my lap, pulling away slightly. I needed her to hear me. To understand that her experience had nothing to do with how good the physical side of our relationship would be. While I loved that she was upfront about it all, it pissed me off that she thought she had to apologize for it.
“Jareth, you don’t know that.” She blew out an exasperated breath.
I tilted her chin to be sure she looked me in the eyes, that she understood how serious I was. “I do.” There should have been no arguing my statement, yet the tilt of her head and the way she kept biting uncertainly at her lip, I knew Hazel needed more to be convinced.
“How?” she whispered, eyes downcast.
“Have you ever been intimate with someone else? Not sex,” I clarified.
Her eyes sparked with that inner fire I loved. “I’m a virgin not a nun.”
I laughed. Laughter was not something I took part in regularly unless it was with her. “Was it good for you?”
Hazel’s response was immediate. “Sometimes.”
“And who’s fault do you think that was?” The scrunch of her nose told me she didn’t understand where I was going with this yet, but she would soon.
“Mine?” She posed it as a question, but I heard the underlying belief that what she said was the truth.
“No, Sunshine. A good partner uses communication. Both of you need to connect, to feel, to learn what you like. If I ever do something you don’t like then we don’t do it. We keep trying until we find what feels good to you and me.”
“That should be easy enough on my part.” She winked at me. “I am far better at communicating than you are.”
“We’ll see about that.” I laid my forehead against hers, letting us breathe in and out together. It surprised me how much I wanted to touch her in ways that created intimacy, not just specifically for foreplay. I wanted with her what I’d never had with another woman.
That scared the shit out of me.