Chapter 25 Lily
LILY
Logan didn’t come back together with Charlie. He wasn’t around for dinner, and when he did come back late at night, he went straight to the bedroom instead of joining me and the others on the patio.
Max told me to wait it out, but it’s getting harder and harder.
I don’t even know why Logan’s antics hurt me so much.
From the beginning, he had made it clear that this is a deal.
A simple agreement that does not include talking, especially when he doesn’t feel like it, and certainly no emotional connection.
It’s my own foolishness that led me to interpret some of his actions as affection.
And instead of being happy about the way Max treats me and enjoying warmth and hugs and kisses and the fact that this man would carry me through life if asked, I am greedy. I want more, something not even Max seems to get from Logan, and maybe Brady was right about the things he said to me.
I wake up in an empty bedroom. Voices and laughter come from behind the door, Logan’s among them.
What if he isn’t the problem, but I am?
I don’t fit in. Not with Max and Logan, and even less in this little family they have.
My job is boring. I’m not rich, and I don’t have a lot of exciting stories to tell.
One could argue that I caused a fair amount of drama, but most people I know prefer to watch telenovelas on TV over living in one.
A part of me wants to go back to bed, forever, if possible. To my own bed, in my own home, back to a reality that wasn’t so damn confusing.
But if one of the others has to come to lure me out of this room like I’m a pouting teenager, I have to add deadly embarrassment to the already mile-high pile of self-deprecating thoughts in my head, and I don’t think there’s much space left before it’s going to explode like the Hindenburg.
Since Logan told me that my poker face is pathetic, I try to work on an expression that says, ‘Of course, I’m fine' while I wash my face and brush my teeth.
The look turns out less than convincing, and once I’m dressed, I sneak out of the bedroom, hoping I don’t drag too much attention toward me as I enter the living room where everyone is sitting around a table filled with so much food there’s barely a sliver of wood visible.
“Good morning,” Ruby says with a bright smile, and now all eyes are on me. “Max said you like chocolate pancakes, so we made some for you. Come over and sit down. They’re still warm.”
She pats the free chair next to her, and somehow, this makes me feel even worse because it’s obvious that no one, apart from Logan, doesn’t want me around.
“Thank you,” I say quietly as I sit down.
The others continue their conversation and address me directly every now and then, but every time Logan’s eyes meet mine, it’s like someone’s tossing ice cubes down the back of my shirt.
It makes my sentences trail off into nothingness, and after the fourth one-word answer, everyone seems to think I’m simply not in the mood for small talk.
“Someone called me last night,” Ruby says, putting down her cheese sandwich.
“Who gave you this number? Why did you call?”
Her grumpy guy impression is spot on.
“So I said I want to talk to Damon, and the asshole on the other end just hung up on me. Unknown caller ID, before you ask."
“Plan C, prison break,” Max says nonchalantly while digging into a stack of pancakes that’s more chocolate chip than pancake.
“I could put something together, small and discreet, with a big enough impact… We just need to find a way to get it in there. Shouldn’t be too complicated, I bet Vinnie knows a guy. ”
“Jesus Christ, Max, no,” Rockwell says. “No prison break, no homemade explosives.”
“Are they really homemade if I’m professionally trained?”
“Max, no. That’s plan Y, if anything.”
When Charlie starts to bring some of the dirty dishes to the kitchen, ignoring Ruby, who keeps on telling him that she and Sam are going to clean up later, I take the opportunity to leave the table and join Charlie in the kitchen.
“Is everything okay? You look a little pale,” he says while he picks up a few scraps of lean ham. He feeds them to Mochi, who wags her tail so eagerly that it looks like she’s going to take off soon.
“Mhm,” I mumble.
“I know it’s a lot. They are a lot. But we’re grown-ups, and I can see something’s bothering you. Just speak your mind. I promise all of us can take it. I understand—“
“No, I don’t think you do,” I say, dropping a few spoons in the dishwasher with too much force. “You don’t know how it feels when your whole life breaks apart or how it feels to find out you’ve been lied to for years.”
You don’t understand how it feels when you no longer know who you are, without any idea what you’re going to do with your life.
Charlie looks at me, his dark brows furrowed and a hint of anger showing on his face.
“You’re not the only person on earth who went through something.
Everyone sitting at this table has lived through shit you couldn’t even fathom, so maybe go and ask them about it once you’re done wallowing in self-pity because your husband is a lying bastard.
Maybe you’ll even find out it’s better to talk about your feelings instead of ignoring them.
Or just keep on ignoring them, like Logan, it’s working out wonderfully for him. ”
He slams the door of the dishwasher shut, and I bite back tears.
“How am I supposed to talk to a person who refuses to listen?”
Charlie groans. “Whatever you're doing right now isn’t the right way to deal with this. Just try again and apologize, have Max tie him up, I don’t know. But you need to do something. It’s only getting worse otherwise. You are going to get worse. Trust me.”
I gather all my courage and walk back to the table to Logan, who refuses to look up from his cup of coffee until I tap his arm a third time.
“Can we,” I mumble. “Please.”
With a sigh, he leans back in his chair. “I already told you we’ve got nothing to talk about, so stop begging. Just let it go. There’s nothing you could tell me that would excuse what you did.”
“We—I need to talk about it. Because this isn’t going to work if we don’t talk,” I say, swallowing thickly.
Max opens his mouth to say something, but a glance from Logan is enough for him to run his fingers through his hair and stay silent.
“Fine with me,” Logan says dryly. “I guess you misunderstood something, Lillian. I don’t need any of this,” he gestures between the two of us, “and I really don’t know what you think we have, but just to make it clear: This isn’t a relationship where we hold hands and talk about our feelings.
Do that with Max if you need to, but stop trying to dump that shit onto me.
The sooner you understand this, the better, and if you can’t accept it, well, then you’re no longer my problem. ”
“I need to get some air,” I stammer, trying to ignore the compassionate looks I get.
Ruby slaps Logan’s arm, hard, and someone asks if I’m okay, but I am not, and all I want to do is get away, so I rush past Charlie toward the patio doors.
“Go talk to her,” Logan barks at Max as I step out onto the terrace. “Fix her attitude. I have no intention of watching your project pout throughout the next week.”
His perfect pet when I’m good, and just like that, I’m nothing more than a problem.
Gnawing on my lower lip, I jog down the stairs connecting the terrace to the beach. Is this karma for breaking my vows? Is this what Brady meant when he said I’d see what I get for trusting them?
If there had been a chance to go back to the life I had, I’d successfully killed and buried it.
It wasn’t a spectacular life, definitely not the one of my dreams, but it was predictable.
I knew the role I had to play, and I played it pretty damn well.
My days weren’t exciting; highs were not as high, but lows were also not as low.
As long as we don’t count the lows I didn’t know about.
I never felt as much as I do with Max and Logan, and I wish I knew if this is a good or a bad thing.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Max asks as he leaps down the last set of stairs, his feet landing in the warm sand with a muffled thud.
He wants to take my hand in his, but I pull it away. As if I forgot how much it hurt when Logan did the same thing to me.
“Hey,” he says softly, putting his hand on my shoulder to stop me from storming off.
“Go back to the others. Your project can take care of herself.”
“Lily.” Max sighs, shaking his head. “You should know Logan by now. Come back upstairs and let’s just forget about it.”
“No,” I say, louder and angrier than expected. “If you can put up with this, fine. But I can’t ‘just forget about it,’ Max. Sometimes, I wish I never agreed to all of this.”
“Baby—“ He wants to calm me down, but every soft-spoken word and every loving touch seems to do the exact opposite right now.
“It was all a lie, am I right? You never wanted to help me, had no intention of getting me into a witness protection program.”
I already began suspecting it the first time we talked to Rockwell, when Max was so insistent that I’d stay with them instead of finding a solution for me together with his captain. But back then, a part of me didn’t want the whole witness protection thing to work out.
“You and Logan just thought it would be fun to toy with the dumb, na?ve pet until you get tired of me. Well, I guess your buddy just reached that point, and I’m not going to wait for you to come to the same conclusion.”
Max grabs my hand harshly and forces me to stand still.
“And what if I told you I lied, Lily? Would it change a single thing?”
“Yes?!”
“Fine. I lied to you. I never planned to let you go. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were supposed to be ours. I just had to wait until you two would catch up and realize that I’m right.”
“Who gave you the right—“ I trip over my own words, struggling to find an outlet for my frustration. “I am tired of being lied to. I’m tired of being a pawn in someone's game. I deserve to decide for myself, for fuck’s sake,” I yell at Max, who just cradles my face and silences me with a kiss.
“Stop yelling. We don’t do that. We can talk about everything, but we don’t yell at each other. Logan being a part of this relationship doesn’t mean we have to start acting like him.”
“I don’t think Logan would be too happy about you using the word relationship in this context.”
“That’s cause Logan doesn’t know what’s good for him. And to get back to your other complaint, you do get to decide for yourself,” Max whispers, smiling against my lips. “You can choose if you want to share a bed with me or with Logan, for example.”
“So, did I get this right? I’m yours and Logan’s captive, and you’re not planning on letting me go in the near future?”
Max wipes away tears I hadn’t noticed falling.
“Not even in the far future, baby. Never. I’m going to find you in every lifetime.”
“That sounded like a threat.”
“Good.” Max laughs and pulls me down with him until we’re sitting in the sand, my back resting against his chest.
“A terrible fate, don’t you think? Being stuck with me and Logan for eternity,” he whispers in my ear, and his breath tickles me so badly I have to chuckle despite wanting to stay angry.
“Do you want to tell me what’s really bothering you? I mean, apart from Logan acting like an asshole.”
I think back to Charlie’s words, and then I just start talking. I tell Max what happened when he and Logan were gone and about the things Brady had said and done to me.
“I’m going to kill him when we’re back at base. Gonna cut his fucking hands off and shove them so deep down his throat—“
I cough, and Max scratches his head before he looks at me. “Sorry, I’ll keep the violent fantasies inside next time. And before I forget—“ he pulls out his phone and opens his banking app. “How much money did he take from your dad?”
“No. To all three suggestions. You weren’t the one who took it.
If anything, it’s my responsibility to pay it back.
How would I even explain this? Oh, hi Dad, Brady and I are no longer together because he’s apparently a criminal; sorry you had to find out like this, but one of my new boyfriends wants to pay his debt for him.
How we met? Well, he and his friend kind of abducted me… ”
Behind me, Max bursts out laughing. “We should work on our story before you take us to meet our parents.”
“Oh, I’m in no rush,” I mumble. This one time, I am thankful for Logan fighting against calling this a relationship because I’m not looking forward to my mom’s reaction.
As the light turns golden and Max and I lie down next to each other in the sand, I decide against telling him that his love you was the cause for my little breakdown.
Instead, I let out years of frustration about my goddamn marriage until I’m once again sobbing. Not just because of Brady, but also because I can’t understand my feelings for Logan. I am so scared of accepting them, knowing Logan will probably never reciprocate them.
Brady would have stopped me after five minutes, but Max just listens. He holds my hand and runs back to the house to get me paper towels, but not once does he invalidate my feelings. He doesn’t argue with me, doesn’t explain how I ‘just got it wrong’.
He’s just there for me, and maybe being stuck with them for eternity really isn’t that bad, as long as Max is there to pick up the pieces of me Logan leaves behind.