Chapter 39 Logan
LOGAN
The drive back to base felt like a seventeen hour long waterboarding session, and I would have preferred actual torture over whatever was going on in that damn car.
It wasn’t Max’s private karaoke show, his babbling, or him pointing out every drive-in we passed. No, it was the complete lack of it.
Ten hours in, I started to be thankful for the rattling interior of his truck. At least something filled the silence between us. Max seemed unfazed that I let him drive and didn’t even turn the radio on.
As if something had happened back at the cabin, and I was sitting in a car with somebody who was only wearing Max’s skin.
It’s still dark outside as we enter the base, and I had hoped Max would calm down once we safely reached our quarters.
He doesn’t. If anything, his mood had soured even more in the past hour.
The only time a smile flashed over his face was when Lily texted him to let him know she and Ruby were back at home.
“I’m going to talk to Rockwell, find out what this shit is about,” Max says as he gets out of the car, tugging on the handle of his bag so hard I’m surprised he doesn’t rip it off.
“Should I come with you?”
“No.”
I storm around the truck, gripping his arm so tightly that he stops moving.
“What’s going on with you, sunshine? You’re acting weird.”
When he turns to look at me, it’s like someone else is staring back at me. Wearing an expression so cold, as if his face was carved out of stone, causing such an uncomfortable sensation in my chest that my hand goes lax.
Puzzled, I try to figure out when the change in his behavior happened. But he can’t be this fucking mad at me just because I made breakfast. Actually, I am kind of mad that this is the reward I get for trying to treat him better.
“I’m fine,” he says, smiling at me.
It’s a smile without teeth, one that doesn’t crease the corners of his eyes, that doesn’t make his eyes sparkle in the way I adore so much.
“If you say so,” I mumble. “Call me if you need anything.”
He nods before disappearing into the dark building like a living shadow while I’m left to wonder if it’s my fault. If I made him this way, robbed him of all the things that made him Max, just because I didn’t know when to stop.
I can’t go to my room right now. Can’t sit there, surrounded by things that are his. Stuff that smells like him, that reminds me of better days. Of fucking sunshine that seems to be gone.
So I open the door just enough to toss my bag inside and go straight to the shooting range. It’s between emptying a few rounds or smashing Sanders to a pulp. Rockwell wouldn’t like the latter, but something has to give for my brain to shut up.
Light comes from a single booth as I reach the shooting range, a big figure leaning against the wall. It seems that Lieutenant Ryves has also reverted to old emotional regulation tactics.
“Welcome back,” he says as he notices me, putting his gun down. “How was the trip?”
“Cut short,” I answer, loading my gun. “I need to talk. About Max, and you’re my best option. My only option,” I add with a sigh.
“You really have a way of making someone want to help you, Logan,” he says, shaking his head. “So, what happened? Did the plan of keeping your abductee backfire?”
“I think so,” I say. “Didn’t backfire in full force yet, but it will. Something’s going on with Max, and it’s only a matter of time until the same happens with Lily, and she’ll leave. They all do.”
“Thought you wanted her to leave?”
“Things change.”
“Not if you can fight it, usually,” he says, and I focus on the bullets piercing the target in front of me.
“This isn’t supposed to be a fucking therapy session, Sam. I said I wanted to talk, not that I wanted to hear your dumb attempts at psychoanalysis. What am I gonna do if she and Max leave?”
“Was that a question?”
I turn around to glare at Sam.
“Just making sure before I let out more dumb attempts at psychoanalysis,” he says, and I press my lips into a thin line.
“Logan, if she wanted to leave, she would have done so the first chance she got. It doesn’t take a mastermind to figure she likes you two morons, even though I can’t understand why. ”
“No, she likes Max,” I retort. “And he keeps on telling her that we’re a package deal, so she accepts it. Like I’m the fucking licorice-flavored jelly bean in the bag.”
“Guess some people like licorice, disgusting or not,” he says with a shrug, and the stupid grin on his face makes me want to point my gun somewhere other than the target.
“Maybe I should leave. Make it easier for them. I’m just stopping them from doing their thing, and once I’m out of the picture, they can have their white picket fence life.
Have two babies with chubby cheeks and all that shit.
Max would love it. I don’t buy his fucking lie about how he only needs me and Lily to be happy. ”
Next to me, Sam clears his throat, but the words won’t stop falling out of me.
“Can picture him standing on the porch, behind some absolutely disproportionate grill, wearing an apron Lily and the kids made for him. He’d take them to Disneyland.
All of them with matching Mickey ears while Lily and the kids laugh at his stupid—“ I shoot, hitting the target right in the head, “ridiculous” another shot, to the heart this time, “unfunny jokes. I don’t fit into their perfect life, simple as that.”
A heavy hand on my shoulder pulls me back to reality.
“Are you done being dramatic, or should I bring you another magazine?”
I glare at Sam, who gently takes the gun from me.
“Remember what Rockwell told you when we were in Red’s office?
I’m sure you didn’t like hearing it, but it’s the truth.
We all know it, and you do, too. Max would break every single bone in his body and put himself back together in a way you like, just because he wants to see you happy.
He would put all of his dreams aside for you.
Max would fucking die for you, and I don’t get how you’re able to ignore it like you do. ”
Sam gives me my gun back, fetching his things to leave the shooting range, but not before speaking up again.
“Man the fuck up, Logan. Somewhere deep, deep down, you’re still human, no matter if you like it or not.
You’re not a stone-cold robot, and no amount of trying to convince yourself is going to change it.
It’s okay to be scared. We all are, from time to time.
And we both know Max would force you to wear the damn Mickey ears. ”
I open my mouth to yell something about how he doesn’t know shit and that his fucking lecture about me being scared is so far from the truth it’s hard not to burst out laughing, but the words won’t come out. And when they finally do, Sam is long gone.
It’s late at night when I accept that I can no longer avoid going back to my room, not unless I want to sleep in one of the cars in the garage.
As I walk up the stairs, I don’t know if I should wish for Max to be there when I open the door or if an empty room would be better for all of us.
It’s not my decision to make, because as I open the door, I see that he came back.
Lying on the couch, his face turned to the backrest, seemingly asleep, but he’s here.
I go to the bathroom for a quick shower and to brush my teeth, closing the door a little too loud on accident, but Max doesn’t move. I just wish I knew if it’s out of protest or from exhaustion.
“Hey,” I whisper, putting my hand on his shoulder. “I know how uncomfortable the couch is. Just come over.”
His breathing pattern tells me that he is very much awake, but I don’t get a reaction.
“Won’t beg you,” I snarl, lying down on my side of the bed.
When I wake up, Max is gone. I take my time forcing down a breakfast that tastes like shit because I had to prepare it myself and eat it accompanied by Rockwell, who looks like he has aged ten years in the past few days.
Our conversation consists of one-word answers and grunts, and when I see that Max left my fucking messages on read, I stand up and throw the rest of my disgusting meal into the trash.
Coincidentally, Lily also seems to be busy. She does answer my messages, probably because she knows I wouldn’t hesitate to take the drive to Ruby’s house to show her what she gets for ignoring me. Still, she doesn’t seem especially eager to text me on her own.
Why the fuck am I suddenly desperate for their attention? It’s pathetic.
I am pathetic, and the thought alone makes me so angry I stalk over to the training grounds, searching for the first useless recruit who looks at me the wrong way.
Rain clouds cover the usually bright blue sky, matching my mood. A rookie running laps sees me a second too late, his shoulder nudging mine, and damn, if that isn’t the sign I was waiting for.
“Have anything to say, Private Shithead? An apology, for starters?
“Sorry,” he mumbles as the first raindrops start to fall.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it.”
The moment I shove the half-baked idiot, Max’s voice rings in my ear. Not the morally correct prick living in my head, but the actual, living, breathing Max that somehow no longer deems it necessary to tell me where he is.
“Stop distracting my damn recruits,” he snarls as he stalks over to me, and some of the other idiots stop to see what’s going on.
“Why are you even here?” I ask.
“I was assigned to oversee corrective training.”
“You could have asked me to join you.”
“Charlie is keeping me company. I’m good.”
I, on the other hand, am not good. The muscles in my jaw clench as I try to keep myself from lashing out.
“We need to talk,” I say, keeping my voice down.
“Later,” Max says as he starts to walk away.
“No. Now.”
My fingers dig into his shoulder, and as Max turns around to face me, his gaze is so icy it feels like it’s freezing my entire being, starting from my hand on his arm right up to my heart.
Rain wets my clothes as I pull him away from the group of recruits, mentally making a list of every single bastard who dares to sneakily look our way.
“What’s your problem? Something is obviously bothering you, and I’m sick of you acting up like this.”
“It’s nothing,” he spits out, trying to pry my fingers off of his arm.
“Fucking talk to me, Max. I don’t get why you’re like this all of a sudden. Nothing has changed. Everything was fine between us just days ago.”
His stoic expression changes into one resembling anger. Hatred, maybe even contempt. Feelings I never wanted to see on his beautiful face.
“Everything has changed, Logan, and I’m tired of pretending it hasn’t.”
I knew I was right. He’s going to leave.
When he yanks his arm out of my grip, it feels as if he’s building a wall between us. Brick by brick, while I can’t do anything but watch.
“If you want to talk, then go find someone else to do it with. I’m done talking. I tried, Logan, I really tried. You and Lily were all I ever wanted, but even I have to accept the truth at some point. Because sometimes, you give and give and give to a person who only knows how to take.”
“You’re fucking ridiculous.” I don’t want to admit what his words do to me and how much they hurt. “All bark and no bite. If I’m such a selfish piece of shit, why did you stay all this time? You could have left instead of clinging to me like a pathetic puppy, spared us all this goddamn nonsense.”
“Because I am fucking dumb, Logan. Delusional, na?ve, or whatever apparently very fitting description you always throw my way,” he yells, biting back tears.
“Because my worst quality is that I always believe things can change. That people can change, that they’ll give you back just the tiniest bit of the love you give them,” he says, his voice full of resentment.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Charlie ushering the rookies away from the training grounds. I should do the same. Leave, because nothing good will come out of this, but the anger rushing through my veins is already clouding my judgment.
Rain pours down on us, making it easier to tell myself that no tears are running down Max’s cheeks.
“I heard every word that night, Logan. Every. Single. Word. How can you be so open with her? How can you say these things to Lily after so little time? Don’t you think I deserve the same?”
I open my mouth to answer him, but Max yells over me.
“Lily was supposed to complete us, to make the good thing we had even better. I always told her how there is no me without you, and every goddamn night I fell asleep wishing that you’d see it too.
You never did. I guess you were just looking for the right opportunity to get rid of me, but I won’t let you fucking replace me, Logan. I won’t lose you both.”
I want to snap back, to yell at him to get his damn head back on straight because there is no way on earth that someone can be so confidently wrong, but all I manage to do is what I’ve been taught.
Attack, because I’d rather kill both of us before telling Max about all the nights I lie awake next to him, saying the same things I said to Lily, and so much more.
Would rather make the scars on my knuckles rip open instead of admitting that they are the product of all those feelings I don’t allow myself to feel, a result of the fucking confusion he causes deep inside of me.
Max blocks my hit, and I stumble back, looking from his hand to mine.
“Is it because I am a fucking guy?” he yells, as if months of repressed anger suddenly explode out of him. “Cause you don’t seem to mind when you’re balls deep in my guts.”
For a second, the complete bullshit coming out of his mouth makes my head spin. Soon, my confusion turns into pure, unbridled rage, just as thunder starts roaring in the distance.
“No, you’re just too much,” I snarl, shoving him so hard he trips. “You talk too much, love too much. You never know when to stop.”
I’m not worthy of your love.
I straddle his hips, and my knuckles begin to bleed as they catch on his teeth.
“I hate you so fucking much.”
On some days, I need your presence so badly I loathe you for making me feel this way. For making me feel at all.