Chapter 29
Istared at the door of my bedchamber, frozen in place. I didn’t want to go out there. Since Titombwe, I’d locked myself inside. Seven dawns had gone by and I still couldn’t go an hour without crying fresh tears over what I’d witnessed.
Papi always said vengeance bore a weight most angels could never carry. Ellabeth tried to see me, but I wouldn’t let her in.
Raephim Zara forced herself in twice. She wanted to make sure I was eating. Getting out of bed. Functioning.
“The temple will drain your soul if you let it,” Zara said during a visit. “Don’t.”
A blaring ring sounded throughout the wingtower once again, signaling it was time for Sanctuary.
Stars. I wanted to be anywhere but there.
All I could see was golden blood on glass floors as the crescendo of agony crashed into it like cymbals.
I wanted to stay here. Hide. But it was time to face reality.
And determine where I would stand in it all.
I pushed open my door with a wing, walking out barefoot with my head hanging low. I was met with melancholy silence. I took a deep breath, anchoring myself as the chill of the floor seeped into my feet.
Deep breaths. In, out.
For Infinite’s sake. I felt so heavy. So burdened. Like an elephant was sitting on my chest, cutting off my ability to rightly breathe. Tears prickled the back of my eyes. Flashes of Titombwe seared my memory.
Granmanmi’s speech. The moment of silence for Manmi. The bloodletters. Quazar.
What made it worse, my siblings seemed to know something I didn’t. Including my young, sweet Evanae.
When the angels danced and celebrated. When the Faerèth joined in. While the Gods remained in their place and the Shifters seemed outraged, not one of my siblings participated in the Titombwe celebrations. Not one took joy in the brutalization of Quazar.
That made matters much more complicated. I had to know more about the dawn Manmi died. Papi said Temple Efysis refused to allow him access to the records about her passing. So be it. I would find them. And stars willing, I would find the truth.
Eyes still closed, I flexed my hands and summoned my sandals. Burning stars. Everything ached. Doing the simplest of tasks required a world of energy.
“Come on, Safah,” I muttered to myself in the quiet. “Get your wings together.”
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself as a fresh wave of tears threatened to spill over. I could not let myself break down again. Especially not when I had to face the likes of Tharic in Sanctuary.
“Bend, but do not break.” I opened my eyes, and stared at my hands, my voice breaking. “Burn, but never bleed.” I swallowed, feeling the tears fill my eyes anyway. My chin shook as I forced myself to push ahead. “Holy. Safah, you will remain holy, to whatever end.”
The tears streamed down my cheeks.
I felt sick. Ashamed.
First, my temper cost nine angelic lives.
Then, when my hunger for blood came to reality, it not only horrified me, it left me feeling disgusting and physically ill.
I cleared my throat, batting a hand at my tears. I lifted my head to find Ellabeth’s beautiful aquamarine eyes shining with tears of her own that she held back.
“Ellie,” I flinched. “I…I didn’t realize you were floating there.” I quickly wiped my face, holding back a new wave of tears.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” she whispered. “Missed you the last few dawns.”
I nodded. Looked around.
All of Seventh Choir was there, watching me, eyes weighed down with concern. My throat bobbed as I tried straightening my shoulders. Forced a smile on my face.
“Wings high.”
“Wings high, Sazu,” Daelun said, using the pet name for the first time. I kind of liked it. “You alright? Since Titom…Your Granmanmi is something else, huh?”
“What the Hèls, you moron!” Isandra hissed, slapping him upside his head with a wing.
“Good job, genius.” Omarion crossed his arms glaring at Daelun.
Daelun flushed, his cheeks turning red. “Uhm, yeah.” He cleared his throat. “So, like Ellabeth said. Missed you.”
I tried to smile. Really I did.
I failed.
“Safah.” Omarion floated over and wrapped me in a large, warm embrace. I held onto him, thankful for his kindness. But truthfully, while I desperately wanted a hug, he wasn’t the one I wanted it from.
Omarion gently petted my hair, squeezing me tight enough to bring a smile to my face. If Ezekiel were here, he’d have given me the same kind of hug.
“You okay, Sazu?”
“I’m…I’m alright.” I took a breath. Blinked away my blurring vision. “Really. I’m fine…I’m totally fine. Promise.”
“Liar.”
I stilled.
It was then I noticed the intoxicating scent of mint and sandalwood curling through my nostrils. Fire immediately ignited my blood. I blinked, shoving the sensation down, and out of my mind. Ignoring the voice in my head, I pulled away from Omarion, and slipped on my sandals.
“Titombwe was…nothing.” My tongue felt like it was coated in ash. “I just needed to…process it all. That’s it.” I cleared my throat. “I’m good.”
“Really, Starling. You are an awful liar. I’m glad to know that about you.”
I whipped around and flinched.
All of Xadari Legion stood in a wide stance, their arms crossed, covered all in black. A contrast to us Disciples dripping in golden robes. They glared at me.
The small one especially with the same eyes as Quazar. She watched me with a curious expression.
They all seemed like dogs on a leash, waiting to be given the command to attack. On a good dawn, I would’ve rushed away. Against all of them, I was beat. Especially with them all being hardened warriors, and I was just a Disciple.
This dawn though, I just remained there. I was so mentally exhausted. It was Quazar who’d been drained, but somehow, because of our bond, it felt like I’d been siphoned of my life source, too.
I turned my gaze to Quazar. And stars burn it all if all I could see was him on that dais being broken, contorted, and drained of his blood and life. My stomach knotted so tightly I wanted to bend over and scream.
“You don’t look so good, Starling. What’s got you so sad?”
This fool had just been within the threshold of death only dawns ago, and he was standing here now like nothing happened? He was cracking jokes?
Blood for blood!
All I could hear was the roar of vengeance from an arena of multi-millions. All I could see was golden ichor staining polished glass.
My nostrils flared. I lifted my shoulders. Dropped them. My wings hung limp. I looked into those emerald eyes. I saw twisted limbs. Broken bones. Raven black tendrils crawling up his skin. Glowing inscriptions burning to life.
Tears stung my eyes. I commanded them not to fall.
They disobeyed me anyway.
I took a shuttering breath, looked at Quazar through blurrying vision, and turned away.
The sight of Granmanmi stained my eyes. The anger of my brothers, my sisters, raced by right after.
My mind and my hearts were in utter turmoil.
I had a splitting headache and I didn’t know how to make any of it go away.
I covered my face with my hands unable to stop wave after wave of tears. I grieved my Manmi, but it was only now I came to realize I didn’t have it in me to carry the weight of vengeance that came along with that grief. Bitterness was a root easily planted, but too great a challenge to maintain.
The wingtower was quiet. So quiet.
Ellabeth looked torn. I knew she wanted to hold me. Help me feel better. But we had a lifelong rule. We always gave one another space until the other asked for entry. And I wasn’t ready. Not to be held. To be comforted.
I swear it felt like the Infinite was punishing me. Breaking my mind for being so hungry for blood. Feeding me a feast of it and making me choke until I felt like I’d been bathing with swine.
I wiped away at my eyes, giving up on my tears. Stars. This was going to be a hèllishly long dawn. If Tharic saw me like this, I’d be finished.
I made to start flying away, headed for the front doors of the wingtower, but a shadowy hand stopped me. I looked down and found a ring of shadows gently wrapped around my waist, holding me in place. I looked back over my shoulder. I was such a mess of tears, Quazar seemed to have three heads.
“Tears for me, Starling?” Quazar said out loud. Seventh Choir whipped their heads toward him. I looked at him, saying nothing. “I didn’t know you could be so kind.”
Ellabeth narrowed her eyes, looking between us.
What in the…I blinked at him. His statement caught me so off guard, my tears ceased instantly. I wrinkled my nose at him, suddenly…annoyed.
“Stars, Valoryen,” I frowned. I felt a flash of red-hot fire lick my bones and flood my veins. Something dormant ignited in my blood. I lifted my chin, crossing my arms. “Honestly, you’re insufferable.”
Quazar’s lips did a slow curl upwards. Then he smiled.
He actually smiled. Teeth and all.
And.
Was that a dimple?
“There you are,” he purred. His deep voice slipped into my chest, curled around my seven hearts, and squeezed. “I was nervous. Thought I’d lost you there, for a second.”
Now it was Dakairi’s turn to look between us, his expression colored in immense confusion.
“Ill,” I said, wrinkling my nose at Quazar. “You’re ill.”
I whipped around, waited for no one and rushed out of the wingtower. A dark chuckle followed me out the door and across the temple grounds, all the way until I reached the main cathedral for Sanctuary.