Chapter Twelve
KILLIAN
“ I s everything all set?” I leaned against the wall of the nondescript office Judd had borrowed, crossing my arms over my chest. I’d had enough sitting while Judd and I discussed the next steps.
The fluorescent lights buzzed overhead, casting harsh shadows over Judd’s face as he sat at a desk, shuffling through papers, the scrape of each sheet on the metal surface grating on my nerves.
He looked up, his eyes tired. “Yeah, we’re good. The big fish took the bait. We arrested him on the smaller boat after he left your yacht. The small-time dealers were caught unloading the product from your vessel.”
A muscle ticked in my jaw. “And Tris?”
“As far as anyone knows, she wasn’t there. We’ve released her, no record, no questions asked.”
I nodded. “Good. She doesn’t need to be mixed up in this shit.” I’d placed a call to Max to make sure she got home safe and asked him to stay at her building overnight to make sure the paparazzi didn’t catch wind of her involvement this evening.
I didn’t like the thought of her finding her own way home. She had to be shaken after everything that happened and all the secrets that Judd and I revealed. If I didn’t have to stay here to keep my cover intact, I’d have escorted her home myself.
Judd shifted in his chair, his perceptive eyes never leaving my face. I kept my expression neutral so I didn’t encourage any comment he was about to make. “It’s okay if you still feel something for her, Killian.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I hated that he went there. I was over Trissa. Why did everyone insist that I wasn’t?
His tired laugh echoed in the small space. “Killian, I sniff out lies for a living. And besides, you’re not that great of a liar. Barely a step above Trissa, and that’s only due to your performing skills. We all knew how you felt about her then. I can see you feel something for her now.”
“Fuck you, Judd.” I paced the room. “If you see anything, it’s sexual attraction.”
He shook his head and raised his eyebrows.
“Did everyone fucking know?” I ground out through clenched teeth. So much for thinking I’d been subtle back then. That I’d been able to keep my infatuation under wraps.
He shrugged. “Everyone except her. I never knew what she saw in Peter. He was arrogant then, too. The only time he was decent was with Jane.”
Peter had a fucked up childhood, which was not uncommon in the group home. Most of us were too old to be considered for adoption, so we aged out of the system. At least we got to stay in one place while we did it. Unlike the rest of us, Peter and his younger sister kept getting jerked around by their asshole parents. It made me grateful my own were dead.
“It’s probably good that the old feelings aren’t resurging for you then,” Judd said, his attention returning to the paperwork before him.
“Is that so?” Knowing Judd, he had more to say and would only say it when he was ready. It drove me crazy.
“Yup.” He signed his name with a flourish to the next paper. He knew what he was doing.
I gritted my teeth to stop myself from saying and …
“Anyway, we’ll keep you here until morning. Your lawyer will come in, raise hell about some technicality, and we’ll release you. Should keep your cover safe.”
My fucking cover.
I’d have to talk to Jareth and let him know about my involvement with the DEA sooner rather than later with the mixup tonight. His team would have to mitigate the fallout with the press. Thank God, Jareth only hired the best. I was confident he could spin everything in a way that would benefit me.
Plus my assistant Oliver Smee needed to know so he could do damage control and work with Jareth’s people.
Even though they discreetly took Tris off the yacht, I’d never shake the image of her face. The firm press of her lips, the pinched look in her eyes, the pallor of her skin … the disappointment that replaced her fear when she saw me.
I hated that she felt even one ounce of disappointment in me.
“Killian,” Judd’s voice cut through my thoughts. “Be careful. Don’t let your feelings for Trissa compromise the operation.”
And there it was.
“I don’t have feelings for Tris.” Maybe if I said it enough, he’d believe me. Now I just had to sit here and wait for my lawyer to show up and do my best not to think of the sexy, curvy goddess that I couldn’t stop obsessing over.
The late afternoon sun created long shadows across the VS Music Production parking lot. A gentle breeze carried the faint scent of coffee from a nearby café, mingling with the metallic tang of city air. In the backseat of the car, I drummed my fingers against the cushion beside me, the half-formed rhythm in my head a constant reminder of a song that was just out of reach and how my creative muse had seemed to desert me over the past year.
Max’s gaze met mine in the rearview mirror. It had only been twenty-four hours since I’d been released, yet I found myself stalking Trissa, unable to leave things the way they were.
“She’ll be out soon,” I said, unsure if I was reminding him or myself.
After a shitty day of attempted songwriting, I decided to find Tris. Yesterday, Judd had asked her where she’d be on Monday if he needed to reach out to her for a follow-up. She’d mentioned being at VS Music Production, in meetings on Peter’s behalf.
I checked my watch. She should’ve left thirty minutes ago. If she didn’t come out soon, I’d go in and find her. Maybe I’d bump into Peter, and I could tell him what a dick he was. Although with my luck, I’d run into Jareth, and he was the last person I wanted to see. He hadn’t been pleased with my deception and undercover work when I’d spoken to him this morning. Especially since it could affect my career and his business.
Tris emerged from the building, and my heart rate quickened. She had a slight furrow in her brow and tension in her shoulders as she spoke with another woman. A mixture of anticipation and regret churned in my stomach.
I exited the car and leaned against the open door, waiting for her to walk closer instead of calling out to her.
Tris chatted with the other woman, and nodded a few times all while barely hiding the faint scowl lining her face. She appeared irritated but I could tell she was trying to stay cool. I wondered if this might be the Wendy Darling that got my girl in such an uproar the other day.
Not my girl.
What the fuck was I thinking?
This was a terrible idea. I needed to leave before she noticed me. The second I shifted, Tris turned in my direction as if she’d felt my presence.
Her eyes widened as she spotted me, a flash of surprise quickly replaced by wariness. She said a hurried goodbye to her companion and approached me, her steps measured and deliberate.
“Killian?” Her voice carried a note of disbelief.
I fought the urge to reach out and touch her. To push the piece of blonde hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear. To avoid temptation, I shoved my hands into my pockets. Even the familiar scent of her lavender perfume threatened to overwhelm my senses and teased me to give up my control.
“Tink.” I gave her a slight nod.
Her eyes darted around nervously, her fingers fidgeting with the hem of her green cardigan. “What are you doing here?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper. I wondered if she was afraid Peter would see us together.
I swallowed hard, suddenly unsure of what to say. “I needed to apologize about this weekend,” I managed, my throat tight. Knowing how differently the night could’ve gone, if she’d been found by the wrong people when they were loading or unloading the drugs from my yacht made my chest hurt.
It destroyed me to think something I did could have hurt her.
“It’s fine—” she stopped suddenly. Her feet, encased in green ballet flats, began a persistent tempo and tears sprang to her eyes. “You know what? It’s not fine. What is wrong with you?”
“That list is probably pretty long,” I smirked, trying to lighten the mood.
She whacked my arm with the back of her hand and winced. “It’s not a joke, Killian. They’ll hurt you if they find out what you’re doing. They could… damn it.”
Well, shit.
She swallowed hard. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears. Tears she was trying really hard to hold back.
Tears I’d caused.
“Tink.” I pleaded. I hated seeing her upset over something I’d caused. “Come here.” I opened my arms to her, an invitation for comfort we both so desperately needed, holding my breath and half-expecting her to turn away.
The moment stretched between us, filled with unspoken history and complicated emotions. Her rejection hurt. In the past, she’d have jumped into my arms. I was mad at myself that I even wanted to wrap my arms around her in the first place.
But our lives were different now. We’d changed, and so had everything else.
After what seemed like an eternity, Tris stepped into my embrace. Her body was tense at first. Her eyes searched mine; for what I didn’t know. However, she must have found it because she let out a deep breath, relaxed into me, and rested her cheek against my shoulder. Her hands found my waist. Like she was too afraid to give me a full on hug. “I don’t want you to die,” she whispered, her voice shaking with the force of her emotion.
“I know.” I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of her in my arms, even as guilt gnawed at me for putting her in danger.
She practically vibrated with uncontained energy.
“Will you get in the car so we can talk?” I gently tugged on her sweater to coax her into the backseat.
She nodded. Good. What we had to say was better kept private.
In the back of the car, the air was thick with tension. I studied her while I gathered my words, unsure if I should let her speak first. She’d opened her mouth and closed it several times in less than a minute.
Her nerves on display were ratcheting up my sense of anxiety and I started tapping the leather seat again. “I hate that you got mixed up in all that shit.” I paused and said the words that hardly ever left my lips. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded. “I know you are. I just … Killian, why would you do something so stupid? So dangerous?”
Confessing to her that I loved the adrenaline and the danger wouldn’t make her feel any better about it. I figured she at least deserved most of the truth, though. “Judd came to me a year ago. While our state isn’t a huge hub of activity, New York is nearby, and because we’re so under the radar, it’s easy to get product in and out.”
Tris waited and took my hand between hers. She’d always been good at waiting out Peter and me until we eventually told her the whole truth.
Electricity sparked so fast and hard between us that I questioned whether she felt it, too. The only hint I had was the tightening of her hand within mine. Aware of every point of contact between us, I focused on her creamy, pale skin against my darker tan—a visual reminder of our differences—and our undeniable connection. Her only tattoo was on the inside of her wrist, as opposed to the entire sleeve of tattoos I had on each arm.
“I was at loose ends and looking for something to fill a void.” I’d been lost. Not sure what was next in my life. My music career continued to do well, and I couldn’t help but think that was all I had. That I was missing something.
“Does it have anything to do with your dad?” Her voice trembled as though she hated even mentioning him.
I shrugged. It wasn’t a secret that a drug deal gone bad killed my father. He did whatever he had to do to get his fix, and he pissed off the wrong people one time too many. “I’m not doing it to avenge him.”
I was grateful to whoever had pulled the trigger. My dad had been a fucking bastard, a waste of space that only felt like a big man when he was beating on his wife and son. I was seven when I entered the foster care system.
“I can understand why you might do something like this.” Her emotions quickly played across her face—concern, fear, and something that looked like resignation—she’d never been very good at hiding them.
“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow, curious to hear her thoughts. Besides the thrill, I didn’t have any other deep-seated reasons for choosing to do something so dangerous.
“If you can stop the drugs from ruining another family, then maybe another kid won’t have to go through what you did.”
Damn. She hit the nail on the head. How had I not seen it?
I couldn’t remember a time in my childhood when I didn’t have to fend for myself. I was lucky I survived, and typically didn’t think any deeper than that. Her insight into my motives caught me off guard, forcing feelings I thought I’d long since buried to bubble to the surface.
I grunted, not ready to give life to her words. Needing to change the subject, I abruptly told her. “I’ve decided to help you.” It was the least I could do.
Surprised, she dropped my hand.
Immediately, I missed her touch and had to stop myself from snatching her hand back.
“You will? Why?” Her questions seemed to create an invisible barrier between us. I flinched at her suspicion.
I offered out of guilt—out of what happened this weekend—and nothing more.
Or nothing I wanted to acknowledge.
Instead, I said, “We start tonight.”
“Tonight? Doing what?” Her eyes carried a mixture of shock and barely contained irritation.
I was pleased that my desire to change topics worked. Although, her amped up anxiety made me uneasy.
“I thought we’d discuss this and make a plan if you agreed.” Tink liked having a plan. Very detailed plans.
In an effort to comfort her, my hand found her knee, and she looked up at me. Her quiet sigh alerted me that the touch had grounded us both, a physical anchor in the storm of emotions and uncertainties swirling around us.
“I’ll be right there.” I knew she’d struggle with the suddenness of this. “I need to see how you act with guys so I know how to help.”
She rubbed at her chest. “That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“And giving you time will only make you feel worse. Which is why we’re going to an event right now.”
“Now? I haven’t had time to get ready for whatever it is. I need to shower, change—” She looked down at her wide-legged jeans, white top with tiny green flowers, and a matching green cardigan.
“You look perfect.” For some unknown reason, having Tink go home and change into something sexier didn’t sit right with me. “Besides, this is just practice. You’re not going to actually date any of these guys.”
“Right. Practice.” Her voice grew breathy, and she squirmed in her seat.
That was when I realized my hand was creating a lazy path from her knee to her mid-thigh. It was a jolt to my system at how natural it felt to touch her like this.
“Wait. Guys? What did you do, Killian?” Her hand closed over mine to stop it from moving.
“Drive,” I said to Max. He started the car and pulled away from the curb.
“Killian?” Her eyes narrowed in frustration or anger, I wasn’t sure which. Maybe it was both. Her hand now gripped mine so tight I was surprised I didn’t lose circulation.
“Speed dating,” I said simply, letting the cat out of the bag and enjoying her eyes growing wide. I’d done nothing but think of Tris once I was released, and with a few phone calls I was able to find the event and get her registered at the last minute.
She sucked in a sharp breath. “No. No way.”
When she tried to move away, I banded my arm around her shoulders. “It’ll be fine.”
“How could you possibly think it’ll be fine?” Her voice rose and became pitchy. She shoved against me and moved a few inches away.
“I’ll be right there the whole time,” I cooed, trying to reassure her but secretly enjoying her discomfort.
“Killian, people will recognize you. It’ll be a thing, and I’m not ready. I need to prepare for something like this.” Her excuses came faster and faster.
To distract her so she didn’t hyperventilate, I pulled on a pair of thick, non-prescription glasses, twisted my hair up into a low man-bun, and threw on a worn-out ball cap I’d had forever.
Tris’s eyes moved up and down my body, finally noticing I wasn’t dressed in my usual leather. I wore a hoodie, a new pair of jeans versus the worn, ripped look I preferred, and an old pair of Vans.
“Nobody will know,” I assured her.
She ran a hand across her forehead. “They’ll know.”
“You worry too much.”
“And you don’t worry enough,” she volleyed back. The familiar argument brought an unexpected smile to both our lips.
“Let’s talk it through on the way there. It’s speed dating. You’ll move on to the next person before things get weird and awkward. It’ll be fine.”
She sighed. “I can’t change your mind, can I?”
“Not if you want me to help.” Part of me wanted her to say that she’d decided against getting Peter to fall in love with her. That she didn’t need my help anymore.
A determined look crossed her face. “Okay. You’re right. I said I wanted this, and I need to just put on my big girl panties and steel-toed boots. I can do this.”
My girl could do anything she set her mind to. My body jerked as once again, the unbidden thought of her being my girl crossed my mind.
As we strategized on the way there, I became reminded of the delicate balance I was trying to maintain—and the potential for it all to come crashing down around me.