Chapter 3
Chapter Three
brIDGET
Declan
How’d the treatment go?
Next question
Declan
Trouble. Tell me.
Is it possible to hear a growl in a text?
Painful and embarrassing and I wanted to die, but I didn’t, and I’m here to tell you about it
Declan
But did you die?
Declan
For Christ’s sake. I don’t suppose Italian wedding soup would help?
Me: I really can’t eat right now. Cheer me up?
Declan
There once was a lad from north Dublin. Who couldn’t quite fit his fat nob in. He said fuck it to hell, and rang her wee bell, then cried when she called it a bobbin.
WHERE DID YOU EVEN LEARN THAT???
Declan
Declan
EXPLAIN YOURSELF
Declan
In my defense I was asked… and very young.
You were breakdancing, Declan. IN PUBLIC
Declan
I did an excellent worm
My brother-in-law is going to actually kill you
Declan
He tried. I'm faster than I look.
I'm showing this to everyone I ever meet for the rest of my life
Declan
You'll do no such thing.
Or what???
Declan
FAFO
I’m a very good girl
Declan
You’d better be
Two a.m…
Declan
You awake?
I am now
Declan
Sorry.
Just teasing. I was reading. What's wrong?
Declan
Nothing. Go back to sleep.
Declan.
Declan
I'm fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
I'm here if you're not.
He didn't reply. But he didn't stop being awake either. I could see the little dots appearing and disappearing for twenty minutes before I fell back asleep. And when I woke, there was no reply
I overheard you’re being sent to America and it could be a long time. You couldn’t tell me? I thought we were friends
Delete, delete, delete.
I guess I know why you didn’t text me back last night
I’m going to miss you so much
Delete, delete, delete.
You’ll never love me back, will you?
Delete, delete, delete.
Declan
I guess you heard the news. Want to meet for gelato this week?
I can’t keep doing this
Delete, delete, delete.
Found a website today
IRISH SINGLES - Irelands #1 Dating App
Declan
Don’t you even think about downloading that
But I do, anyway. In the “in search of” field, I write, “Devastatingly handsome, deeply unimpressed, answers nothing, knows my name already. Blue eyes. Tattoos. Somehow sweet despite every protest to the contrary. Dangerous. Sharp jaw, a few days of stubble, tattoos crawling up the neck and disappearing somewhere I am apparently not meant to think about. Kisses like it’s an Olympic sport and he’s going for gold. ”
I hit post, then delete it in the next breath.
That night, I dream of the one kiss.
They're letting me go home tomorrow. Said it wasn’t a relapse.
Declan
Thank fuck. And I know.
How do you know???
Declan
I know everything that happens in that hospital, Trouble.
That is genuinely unsettling
Declan
Good. Sleep, love.
Declan
So, you’re really just going to not respond to my texts?
Declan
You missed my going away party
Declan
I leave in the morning
Declan
Just landed in Boston
Declan
Cavin says you’re fine.
Declan
temporary flat…
Three months later…
I miss you, too
It’s the last treatment today
Declan
YES. We need to celebrate!
Oh, I fully plan on it. Thought you were still in America?
Declan
I’ll be home for a quick visit at the weekend. Me and the lads will take you and Erin out to dinner
Erin and Cavin are in England on holiday
Declan
I’ll bring Bronwyn, then. You have to celebrate
Need a chaperone at your age?
Declan
Watch it
Yes, sir
I miss my parents. They weren’t good parents but they were still mine
Declan
I know, love, and I’m sorry
I stare at the word love for way, way too long.
I know exile for their betrayal is a mercy. Cavin explained
Declan
Aye. It took some convincing but I managed to make Seamus see reason
What did it take
Declan?
Declan, why won’t you tell me?
Do you ever think about the thing we don't talk about
Declan
No.
You replied in four seconds. Liar
Declan
Go to sleep, Bridget.
You can’t tell me what to do
Declan
I have an excellent memory
Touché, sir. Good night
Dr. Rosenberg said the word “remarkable” today
Declan
Did he?
Aye, three times
Declan
That’s my good girl
I put my phone face down on my desk and sit very still for a moment. How can something feel so good and so painful at the same time?
Had a hard one today. Don't know why I'm telling you that.
Declan
I know why.
…
Declan
You're alright, Bridget. You've been alright before and you'll be alright again. You’re the strongest fucking woman I know
How do you always know what to say?
Declan
I don’t… I just know you.
I read that one so many times, the screen times out.
Do you ever think about what it would have been like. If things were different?
Declan
Don't.
I know, I know, ugh, I get all philosophical sometimes when I’m drunk
Declan
Are you safe? Home?
Yes and yes. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have messaged
Declan
Don't apologize
What am I allowed to do?
Declan
Go to sleep.
There's someone from work who keeps asking me to dinner. Thought you should know since you apparently know everything.
Five minutes pass.
Declan
And?
And nothing. Just telling you.
Declan
Have a good time.
He went quiet for three days after that. When he came back, he didn't mention it, and neither did I. The guy stopped asking shortly after. I never found out why…
DECLAN
Bridget
soooo a friend asked me on a double date
You and a girl? I approve
Bridget
Ha! No. A guy she likes and his best friend
I clench my phone and, in thirty seconds, tally who I could call to find out who this fuck-wad is, run a background search, and threaten to stay the fuck away from her.
I’m in a tiny apartment in downtown Boston, the bright city lights and honking cars just outside my window a vivid reminder that I’m not home, that I’m three thousand miles away from her, and that even if she was in trouble, I’d have to call someone to help her.
I need to go home.
But it’s not her fucking fault.
Safety in numbers and listen to your gut
Bridget
You approve then?
Fuck no, I don’t approve, but I have no right to tell her what to do. I can’t have her, and she knows it. My knuckles whiten when I grip the phone and type out the response with difficulty.
You don’t need my approval. You fought hard to be able to live your life. Do what you want
Bridget
Is that what you’re doing in America?
Jesus fucking Christ, if it’s not a death by a thousand cuts. Yeah, lass, that’s what I’m fucking doing in America, if you can call working undercover and risking my fucking life on the daily for the sake of my family, living my life.
What I’m doing in America is working. Getting by.
I don’t hear from her for a few months, and when I finally do, it’s just a picture of her dressed to kill, telling me she’s going out on a date. She won’t tell me who it is. Smart girl.
Not texting her, not talking to her, feels like death, like mourning. I miss her. I’m aching and furious, and I take it all out at the gym. It only helps for a little while before it all creeps back.
When Seamus tells me it’s time to come home, I know it’s for the best.
I know that Bridget Kavanagh isn’t for the likes of me.
She’s better off without me.