35. Chapter 35
Chapter thirty-five
Ashley
Houston, the past…
I hang up yet another call with yet another news organization about my boss’ new case, and it’s pretty clear that this is going to be a zoo. Cole exits his office and runs a hand through his dark brown hair. “A hell of a day. Why are you still here?”
I rotate my chair to face him. “You know why. This case is getting a lot of attention.”
“Which is why you need to leave while you can. I’m staying, but you don’t need to stay with me.”
“Okay, but I have a few things we need to cover.” I go over a few messages with him and then ask, “Do you want me to get you dinner?”
“I want you to go do something exciting. Getting me dinner isn’t it.” He heads into his office, and I sigh. He’s charming, smart, and sweet. I should want him, but there’s no flutter in my belly for Cole. There’s no heat in my belly. He’s so damn good looking, but we have zero chemistry, which is good. He’s my boss. But the man on the street today—Noah—we definitely had chemistry, so much chemistry. That man stirred plenty of heat in my belly. I shove my hair behind my ear with a frustrated swipe of my fingers. Why am I even thinking about this? I have no interest in getting involved with anyone. Alone works for me. Alone is familiar and safe. It fits me like soft, worn slippers. It’s comfortable. Alone is only dangerous when you forget how to wear it with ease. Not that a drink means we’d be in a relationship. This is a silly train of thought. I grab my purse and stand up. I’m going home.
Alone.
A few minutes later, I’m on the city street walking toward my car, contemplating where to order takeout, while fighting a pinch in my chest at the idea. I reach my little Toyota and slide inside the driver’s seat and, decide, once I’ve eaten, I’ll feel better. I turn the ignition, and it won’t start. I try again. “No, no, no,” I murmur, trying yet again. Fifteen minutes later, I sit there in the dark and contemplate who I could call. I have no siblings. My parents are dead. I have friends, but most are married. I have a creepy neighbor, but the creepy thing rules him out. I could call my boss, but he has a trial tomorrow. There is really nothing like a broken down car to drive home the way alone sometimes feels really bad. I hide from that fact most of the time, but not now. I huff out a breath and get out of the car, walking with purpose, because, apparently, I’m going to meet Noah.
Because, despite all the grand experience and my personal endorsements for its merits, alone doesn’t feel good tonight.
Present day…
Will I give him time to prove to me that he’s not going anywhere?
My emotions are all over the place. My world is upside down. I loved him. He left. I love him. He might leave again. I think he will leave again. Every time I convince myself that’s not true, I sense that pullback in him. I fear my need for him. “Ashley.”
At his prod, I say what I feel. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can give you time to prove you’re not going to leave again.”
“You don’t know?” His jaw clenches, and he releases me, giving me his back before he turns to face me again. “What the fuck does that even mean, Ashley?”
“In or out,” I say. “I don’t have the luxury of this middle of the road, wait and see crap, Aaron. I don’t feel the ‘all in’ from you and that just doesn’t work for me. So actually, no. No, I’m not giving you the time to prove yourself because you’ve already proven yourself. I need you to just let me go. I can’t be this in love with you and feel this alone. I can’t.”
He catches my waist and pulls me to him. “You are not alone. You were never alone.”
I think of losing my parents. I think of all the times in my life, before he walked into it, that I was alone. I think of my efforts to keep it that way, to protect myself, and yet, I let my guard down with him. I let him in. I think of my broken down car and the moment of weakness that had driven home my loneliness. And so, I’d walked to that bar, and now, here we are. I stare up at this gorgeous man who has taken over my life, and I’m reminded of not just my history, but his. “I seem to remember you telling me that the fact I was alone like you were alone was part of what brought us together. In fact, in our time together, you said that to me over and over. I was alone for most of my damn life, Aaron.”
His expression softens, and he cups my face, stepping into me. “I know, baby. So was I. That’s my point. We aren’t alone anymore. We have each other.”
I lean back to look at him, shadows stroking his handsome face. “I think a part of me always knew I didn’t really have all of you.”
“You have everything I have to give, woman. Everything. You just don’t trust me right now. Even if you say you do, the pain of my lies is still there. We both know it.”
“But I do trust you,” I confess, because no matter how right or wrong that statement is, it’s honest, and I need honesty right now. “Beyond logic, beyond what might be called sanity, which is why the shadows in your eyes, the fears, and doubts I see there, scare me. You hurt me last time. If you leave again, you’ll destroy me if I let you. I can’t let you.”
His hand flattens on my lower back, and he molds me closer. “I can’t lose you, woman. Don’t do this.” His face is close to mine, his breath warm on my face. “I want to be what you need me to be.”
I wrap his T-shirt in my hand and look up at him. “Then trust me to be able to handle this. Trust your instincts that told you I could, or you would have walked away a long time ago. Or, you wouldn’t have put that ring on my finger. I can’t love you and lose you again.” A realization comes over me. “If you’re afraid I’ll leave, I won’t.”
“I’m afraid you’ll fucking die.”
“If I do, it will be living a life I chose, living a decision I made.”
“But you didn’t choose any of this. I did that for you, and one day, Ashley, you may wake up and hate me for that.”
“You won’t know if you leave. So I guess it’s your turn. We’ve come full circle. Are you going to give me the time to prove to you that won’t ever happen?”