Chapter 5
Sean
The evening sunshine glared through the windscreen, blinding Sean physically, adding to the mental disorientation. Thank God they were still parked at the caravan site, or he’d be in a ditch by now.
Something had changed in Cherry since they’d walked the fifty feet from her mother’s home, and he had no idea what was going on.
‘Cher?’ He reached his hand across the gear stick to hers. ‘What’s up?’
She was staring dead ahead, lost in thought, but her fingers moved gently across his knuckles. For a moment or two, she stared straight ahead, searching for something Sean knew wasn’t outside the car. It was in her mind.
‘Sorry about my mum,’ she said at last, tugging her hand away.
‘What’s to be sorry about?’ Sean leaned on the steering wheel and hoped Cherry would turn to him.
‘I like her. Plus, she brought you into the world.’ He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
Was it okay to do that? She might find the gesture patronising.
Despite her being his wife, he didn’t know Cherry all that well.
This was a moment when he wished they could fast forward and understand one another better.
But she grabbed his hand again before he had time to pull it away, brought it to her lips and kissed his fingers. ‘Sean,’ she murmured.
What was this? It was the action of someone saying goodbye. But they’d barely met, and nothing had gone wrong yet. Had it?
‘Cherry, you’re going to have to talk to me here; I don’t have a scooby what’s going on. Things were fine – they were great – but something’s happened and the vibe has changed. It wasn’t the waffles, so was it the cards?’
She turned to him. ‘How do you know that?’
Sean shrugged. ‘I’m the King of Cups. I know these things.’
Laughing and sighing at the same time, Cherry muttered, ‘Fucking King of Cups. Fucking tarot.’
‘It’s all bollocks. We’ll be fine. Who cares what the cards say?’
‘It is, isn’t it? Bollocks.’ The darkness in her eyes said she desperately wanted to believe this.
‘Of course it bloody is. I had my cards read once by some “mystic” in the local pub. She told me the love of my life had curly red hair and I’d meet her at sea. None of it came true.’
‘See, that’s the thing… Some of the things Mum has seen in her cards have come true.’
‘Such as?’
‘She told me not to get with Dale, said we had heartache ahead. I ignored her, and she was right. But when it went wrong, all I got was: “I told you he wasn’t the man for you, Cherry.”’
Sean sucked in a breath. ‘She never said that about us, though.’
‘No, no, she didn’t. She likes you, and the cards like you.’ Cherry softened. ‘As weird as it might sound, I’m glad the cards like you.’
‘Okay, so what’s the problem?’ He would admit to being confused. It seemed Cherry wasn’t hesitant about him; it was something in the cards that had unearthed events from her past. Hopefully, she would talk. ‘I know we don’t know each other all that well, but…’
‘I know enough to know you’re incredible. But I’m scared. It’s that fucking death card. Why did she have to do that reading?’
‘Why does it matter? It was all general waffle... Hey, wasn’t that the name of one of your mum’s gnomes?’
A watery smile escaped Cherry’s lips. ‘It matters because… Can I hold your hand while I talk?’
‘Of course you can. You’re my wife. Hold my hand anytime you like. Tell me why that card bothered you so much.’
She took up his offer, and he noticed her lip quivering. ‘Remember when I told you I’d like a pasta portrait of me in the Met?’
‘Aye. I loved that idea.’
‘Well, sometimes it feels like making that happen would be easier than the whole happy family thing.’
‘Ah, okay. Is this to do with men?’ Sean’s family background, specifically his mother’s history, made him acutely aware how hard things were for some women. Cherry had spoken of a troubled ex. There could be trauma there.
She rubbed at her mouth. ‘Kind of men, but not really. When I was with my ex, I had…a few…’ Each word landed like a weighted pebble dropping into a deep dark pond, the last one coming heaviest of them all. ‘Miscarriages.’
Before Sean had time to think, she had tagged on an apology. ‘Sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear. Believe me, it’s not what I want to be telling you. I should have mentioned it in New York. I’m an idiot, and I apologise.’
But Sean was more blindsided than anything else, his head buzzing like he’d been dealt a blow to the temple.
When he managed a response, it came out as sympathy.
Far easier than considering if there were implications in this for him.
Easier than packing all that in alongside the grief for his dad still sitting so fresh inside him, not to mention jet lag.
‘Jeez, I’m sorry you went through that, Cherry. Really sorry. How do you even cope with one, never mind a few?’
With the palm of her free hand, Cherry massaged her heart.
‘You cry,’ she said. ‘You cry so much. Search the internet for support. Play and lose a lot of poker. Slowly, the pain burns less, but you cry when you get triggered or it happens again. It stays with you, the grief, growing into your daily life. Miscarriage happens more than is ever talked about; it’s just that it happened to me four times. ’
‘Four times?’ Bloody hell! ‘May I ask how far along you were?’ Sean wanted to understand what she’d gone through. What she was dealing with.
‘Two months for one and three months for the other ones.’
‘Fuck, I’m so, so sorry.’
‘Thank you. I don’t deserve your understanding. I’m truly regretful I didn’t mention it before. Everything felt so amazing in New York, like we were on a yellow brick road where everything would work out. Seeing my mum has brought me back to earth with a bump.’
‘Aye, I can see that.’
‘The thing you won’t have noticed is that she insidiously infers it’s my fault. With the reading, she was saying I should let go of that idea of my future, that I’m not meant to be a mum, despite me turning up here with you and being optimistic about the future.’
‘Oh, Cherry, I’m sure she doesn’t think that. And if being a mum is what you want, then of course you bloody deserve it.’
‘How do you know all the right things to say?’ She admired him as if he were some sort of wonder, which he felt anything but.
Right now, Sean felt like the most helpless man in the universe. What could he do to change any of this? He hadn’t been there; it wasn’t his body; it wasn’t his kid she’d been carrying.
But he was here with her now. He was her husband, and he had to try to say something right. Cancel out the feeling of being a spare part.
‘I don’t,’ he said. ‘But I know these things are awful, and they can happen to good people through no fault of their own.’
‘Yes, but four times usually means there’s some reason.
That’s what my mum was getting at. She thinks I’m the problem.
My lifestyle is the problem. “Touring around the world, Cherry. Sitting in darkened casinos until two in the morning, night after night, is no way to carry a baby to term.” Her actual words.
And I know other people have tough jobs and have babies, but when it happens four times, you start to think that every little thing you’re doing might be the reason – from a rogue coffee to heating something in a microwave, to not thinking enough positive thoughts.
So when my mum says I chose poker, therefore I need to let the dream of being a mother die, I am terrified she is right. ’
‘Fuck!’ This was huge for Cherry.
It’s huge for you too, Seany. You can’t ignore that. Stop trying to.
‘And the truth is, Sean… The truth is that part of me – this fragment I can’t ignore – worries about several things.
One is, you want to have a family – and so do I – but I don’t even know if I can face the whole process of failing again.
It hurts far too much. And two, even if I can cope with it, what if you can’t?
Dale slowly went into meltdown and you should see him now.
I can’t see that happen to you, Sean. I won’t ruin someone else’s life.
I’m sorry. I was feeling positive about the future until now. ’
Sean inhaled deeply, faced the windscreen, leaning on the steering wheel.
This was heavy stuff, but it couldn’t be as cut and dry as Cherry thought.
At least, he didn’t want it to be. Truth was he was disorientated.
Cherry had been swimming at a different depth than he was used to.
The closest he’d come to anything like this was when an ex’s period came a week or so late and her worry that she might be pregnant became devastation that she wasn’t.
But still, his instinct was to deal with Cherry’s pain. Put on her oxygen mask first.
That’s not how the saying goes.
‘First up, don’t worry about me, Cher. I’m tougher than I look. Secondly, I get that you wouldn’t want to go through that again. Did you get any tests or anything to see why it might have happened?’
‘Yep. First time, they said to stabilise my diet and lifestyle. I cut back on late-night poker, embraced clean eating, and when I did fall pregnant, Dale worked and I tried to rest. But no go. Tests on me said I was fine. Dale refused to have any, said he’d clean up his lifestyle, but he didn’t.
My mum thinks I should have given up poker altogether, moved back to Scotland and let the clean air do its work, or something. ’
‘I see. So he refused to have tests or make any changes and let you take all the blame. Maybe it wasn’t the poker so much as the stress of being in a relationship with an arsehole that had an impact.
Or possibly, you and him weren’t meant to have a kid together.
’ He wanted to believe this for his own sake as much as Cherry’s.
‘Sadly, I don’t think “not meant to be” is a medical diagnosis.’
‘Aye, right enough.’ Sean was no doctor, and he was certainly no expert on reproductive issues. His mind was clouded, and he wanted to get home. But he wasn’t about to drive off into the night without his wife.
‘Cherry, come back to Kinshore with me. We can talk more there.’
‘Oh, Sean.’ She let her head loll back on the headrest. ‘I have to be real. This is your life, too.’
‘Aye, I know. So let me make the decisions about it.’ He checked that she didn’t look like she wanted out of the car. Kidnapping wasn’t something he was keen to have on his resume.
But to his surprise, Cherry didn’t protest. Instead, she reached into her bag and retrieved a cardigan, which she slipped on, rubbing her arms and shivering a little.
‘Okay.’ She stared out the passenger window and down the path towards her mum’s caravan. ‘I’ll come. And google marriage annulment on the way. Drive before I change my mind.’
Ignoring the unnecessary annulment comment, Sean pulled the car into first gear and away from the caravan site. For a while, they drove in silence, Cherry absorbed by her phone, until she lifted her head and broke the tension.
‘From a basic search, it seems you can annul your marriage if you don’t consummate it.’
‘Right.’ Sean tried to concentrate on this whilst merging off a slip road onto the motorway. ‘That seems a bit drastic. The annulment.’ And the no consummation. If they were going their separate ways, surely they could at least relieve the stress by enjoying one another for a while.
‘Might be best for a clean break, though,’ Cherry said. ‘Divorce is messy.’
‘Aye, look, chill for now, and we’ll talk back in Kinshore. Get some rest while I drive.’ Truthfully, he needed time to clear his head and focus on the quiet of the road in front of him. He would think about everything else when he got home.