Chapter 5 #2
‘Errrr?’ he says, one eyebrow raised, not taking the bag.
I roll my eyes. ‘Okay. You. Were. Right.’
‘I always am.’ He takes the bag like it weighs absolutely nothing and tucks it over his shoulder.
‘Suits you,’ I tell him.
‘What can I say?’ He spreads his hands, palms up. ‘Everything does.’
I roll my eyes again, but I’m smiling. He actually does look very cute with the bag.
‘I need my phone and inhaler,’ I suddenly say.
Dominic holds the bag out for me, and I take out the small crossbody bag I packed in there for such instances and then put the phone and inhaler inside the smaller bag, plus my passport for good measure.
‘So many questions,’ Dominic says. ‘You carry a bag within a bag? To go up a mountain? You think that while up that mountain you might urgently need your passport? And, also, I couldn’t help spying a pack of shoelaces.’ The laces nearly fell out with the passport.
‘If you need new laces halfway up the gorge, you’ll be grateful,’ I tell him.
‘Highly likely,’ he says sarcastically. We’re both smiling though.
As I put my phone into my bag I noticed that I’ve missed a couple of messages. One of them’s from Jed.
I feel myself freeze a little. We haven’t spoken for a couple of months so he must have something to say.
It’s probably quite innocuous – probably something to do with divorce admin – and I know that I’m going to read the message, but I also know I’m not going to read it while I’m with Dominic.
Especially right now. That would just feel far, far too weird.
Just now it felt like we were… definitely getting on quite well, despite our differences.
If I’m honest, I was finding him hugely attractive and I was loving our conversation (and the fact that I no longer have to carry my bag).
Even though Jed and I are entirely no longer together – we live on different continents now – it still feels a little uncomfortable having such a nice moment with someone else while he’s sending me a message.
‘You… okay?’ Dominic sounds a little hesitant, like he wants to ask but isn’t sure he should.
I paste a smile back onto my face and say, ‘Yep, all good, thank you. Especially now that you’re carrying my bag. Thank you!’
He looks at me quizzically, possibly wondering why I’m suddenly being so polite, before saying, ‘Great. Let’s go, then.’
The others are quite a long way ahead now, so we start walking very fast to catch them up, which (in my case), doesn’t leave much bandwidth for either talking or admiring the view; Dominic has long legs and we’re going very fast.
When we do catch the others up, I thank Dominic again for the bag carrying.
‘Honestly, no problem,’ he says. ‘You just need to remember forever that I’m always right, and mention it very regularly for the rest of this trip.’
‘Hmm, that’s a big penalty,’ I say, but my heart is no longer in this conversation, and now it just seems silly rather than deliciously flirty, because I’m wondering what Jed had to say, and feeling odd – slightly grubby, almost – about the fact that whether or not we have anything in common I do still find Dominic very attractive.
I think I feel that way because Jed’s superficial resemblance to Dominic was the whole reason that I got talking to Jed in the first place.
Dominic clearly realises my mood has changed – his smile suddenly looks forced – and he just says, ‘Ha,’ before we mutually move away from each other in the direction of others. Dominic begins to chat to a couple of the men, and I start talking to Judith and Charlotte.
I wait a couple of minutes for a gap in the conversation, before hanging a little behind them to read Jed’s message. I like a sticking plaster do-it-now approach.
It says:
Hi. How are you? How was your Christmas? Been missing you.
Oh. Well. I don’t know what to do with that.
I… Have I been missing him? No, actually.
I mean, I did. It hurt a lot when we split up, especially because we hadn’t been getting on particularly badly, but because we disagreed on a fundamental issue: whether or not we wanted to try for a baby.
(Well, that and the fact that Jed had effectively been lying to me and could not see that there was anything wrong with that.)
I’ve always wanted to have kids. I had a very happy childhood and love my family immensely – yes, I still squabble with my brothers even now, but I also adore them – and obviously I’m around teenagers a lot when I’m at work, teaching, and there’s been no point in my life where I haven’t hoped to have a family in the future.
After our relationship became serious, Jed and I did talk about big life issues, like what continent we’d live on and whether or not we’d have a family.
Neither of us wanted to move permanently to the other’s continent; we both said we wanted children.
We even agreed on the number we’d ideally have (three).
After much discussion, we agreed that we’d settle in Australia initially, with a view to moving to Europe for at least a few years in the future, with – hopefully – our children.
I naively believed everything Jed said, and thought that would all work, because, after all, it mirrored what my mum had done moving from Italy to England and then going back for a few years.
I raised the trying-for-a-baby question a few times (basically when we hit our second, third, fourth and fifth wedding anniversaries).
The first three times, Jed told me that he definitely wanted to try but wasn’t quite ready.
The last time, he told me that he didn’t ever want children and he didn’t ever want to live in England or Italy or any country other than Australia.
I felt that he’d lied to me and said so.
And he told me that yes, he had, and he’d never meant any of what he’d said before, but: ‘You have to say whatever it takes to get the woman you want, don’t you. ’
And from there we had a series of deeply unenjoyable conversations, which culminated in something I would never have imagined happening to us: separation, which will lead to divorce once we’ve completed the necessary legal steps.
I missed him a lot at first. But then I made myself busy with work, and of course family and friends, and if I’m honest, other than thinking that the fact of him not being there was weird, I didn’t really miss him at all over Christmas.
And on this trip, I really haven’t thought much about him at all.
When we left the café earlier might have been the first time.
I’ll reply later, I decide. This walk is incredible – steep, grassy hills flanked by awe-inspiring stone, through which you get stunning views – and I don’t want to miss seeing any of it because I’m thinking about my ex.
I also need to be careful, because we’re climbing over large rock steps and I really don’t want to twist my ankle.
I wonder what the challenging route was like given that this is definitely not a walk you’d take an elderly or infirm person anywhere near. I’m glad I voted for this one.
I put my phone back into my bag and stride out with Judith and Charlotte again.
Ahead of us, Dominic turns round. His gaze rests on me briefly, and he gives me a quick smile and then turns back.
I think he might have been checking on me, to see that I’m okay. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I think… I think I like it. But maybe I shouldn’t. What if Jed… is regretting our separation? How would that make me feel? Would I want to go back to him? I don’t think so… but I’m not certain.