Chapter 39
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Cassie covered a lasagna dish with heavy-duty foil and slid it into the freezer. She took stock, counting how many meals were inside.
Really, they could use more breakfast burritos.
They needed things they could eat one-handed while holding the baby.
She had just started another grocery list when the door to the garage creaked open, letting a blast of Arizona heat into the kitchen.
It was different than the humidity of Maryland.
Every time Cassie opened the front door, it felt like stepping into an oven.
Sammy waddled inside, looking like she had been through some kind of artillery strike.
“You’re home,” Cassie said warmly, rushing over to give her sister a hug. “How are you? How’s baby Phillip?”
She crouched down to inspect the infant car seat Ethan had lowered to the floor. A tiny, sleeping baby boy was inside.
It was still weird to think that there was a brand-new human named Phillip, but he was named after Ethan’s dad, who he did indeed resemble.
“He eats every forty-five minutes,” Sammy whispered.
“And he lives here now. Can you believe they just let us take a baby home? We’ve never done this before.
What if he cries? And the rules—he can’t sleep in the car seat, can’t be within ninety yards of a blanket, he’ll spontaneously combust and lose seventy-five IQ points if I dare to switch to formula and share some of the feeding burden. See? We’re already failing.”
She pointed at the sleeping baby. There was still a wad of gauze taped to her hand from her IV site.
“So many videos,” Ethan mumbled. “Don’t shake the baby. Don’t bathe the baby too soon. Slow blink at him so he knows you’re not a threat.”
Cassie took her sister gently by both arms. “Sammy, hon, you’re a public schoolteacher. Think of all the terrible parents you’ve met. If they can keep their children alive, so can you.”
Sammy seemed to consider this silently. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was unbrushed. A pang hit Cassie’s heart.
“Come here, both of you.” She held her hands out to Sammy and Ethan. They shuffled over.
She took their hands and looked at them both.
“You can do this. It’s a huge transition, and it’s terrifying.
But you’ve done almost all the hard parts before.
You’ve pulled all-nighters,” she said to Ethan.
“You’ve dealt with people screaming at you all day,” she said to Sammy.
“You’ve both been overwhelmed but shelved your own needs to help someone else.
Like your sister coming in hot after a messy divorce. ”
That elicited a small smile from Sammy. “During which time you threw me a baby shower,” she said.
“This stage is not forever,” Cassie said. “You’ll learn. You will sleep again. You’ll see him smile for the first time. You’ll watch him take his first steps, say his first word, eat his first taco. There is so much good with the bad. It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible.”
Ethan sniffed and swiped a finger under one eye.
“Now do you need to bond, sleep, or take a selfish?” she asked gently.
“Sleep,” they both said.
“Okay, let me get this little nugget out of here before Child Protective Services breaks the door down,” she said, stooping to undo the chest harness.
Nope, too soon for a joke.
She gently lifted Phillip from the carrier, and his legs scrunched up in that irresistible newborn way. He was so small and wrinkly. She gathered him to her chest and patted his back when he stirred.
“I need to pump,” Sammy said.
“Are you sure?” Cassie asked. “Remember, we were both formula-fed. We turned out fine.”
“I want to try. For now,” Sammy said.
“Okay. I sanitized your parts and put them back together. There’s a pumping bra in the laundry basket, and here’s a YouTube video on how to use the pump for the first time,” she said, fumbling with her phone. “Ethan, go to bed.”
Ethan stumbled up the stairs, dragging Sammy’s hospital bag behind him.
Sammy shuffled to the living room and flopped down on the couch. She spent a minute watching the YouTube video before getting the pump hooked up and running. It chugged along on an end table.
“I can’t believe you’re doing all this for me when I’m sitting here complaining about something you’ve always wanted and couldn’t have. I’m so fucking selfish.”
“Whoa,” Cassie said. Sammy rarely swore. “You’re not selfish. You’re having a hard time. Which is to be expected because a brand-new CEO just entered your life and started calling all the shots. I promise I’m fine. I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t handle it.”
And surprisingly, it was true. While she’d been apprehensive about the prospect of holding in her hands what her own body refused to give her, she felt nothing but love for the tiny, squishy muffin.
“Tell me something happy. Something non-baby-related.”
“Well, Mom and Dad’s flight landed, so they’re officially out of the country.”
In the hospital, Meredith had “helped” by repeatedly handing Phillip back as soon as he started screaming, followed by almost spoiling their birth announcement.
Thankfully, she and Cassie had only interacted briefly in the delivery room.
Richard, meanwhile, had finished all eighteen holes of his golf match before deigning to meet his first grandchild.
Sammy laughed and rubbed at her temples. “Can you believe that after all this hemming and hawing about wanting to be around for the baby, they boarded a plane to Mexico the morning he was actually supposed to come home?”
“Yes. Yes, I can,” Cassie said grimly.
“Right,” Sammy said. “You lived through metaphorical Mexico.”
“At least I got a sister out of it,” Cassie said. “You want some more non-baby-related news?”
Sammy nodded.
“I had sex with Noah.”
Sammy gasped so loud that Phillip stirred. She clamped her hands over her mouth and sat forward. “Are you kidding me? Tell me everything. When? Where? What does this mean?”
Cassie dove into the details—some of them, anyway—ending with their paddleboarding rendezvous. “And then he drove me to the airport,” she concluded.
A sensation of warmth had grown the more she talked about Noah.
Like there was a whole squadron of Giant Swallowtail butterflies flapping around her insides.
“It was amazing, but it doesn’t mean anything,” she said.
“It can’t mean anything. He has some dark secret he refuses to contend with, and even if he didn’t, he’d get lost in the flaming hellscape of my abandonment issues. ”
Sammy seemed to be thinking hard as her pump whirred. “So what’s the plan? You’re just going to keep no-strings hooking up until one of you dies?”
Cassie shot her a dirty look. “Can you just let me have this? For now? It’s so different than it was…before. Even though this will inevitably implode, I think it’s healthy for me to see that not all men are…”
“Controlling narcissists?”
Cassie nodded.
“Fine,” Sammy said. “Just…if it does fall apart, promise me you won’t let it ruin what you’ve built.
You’re opening your own clinic. You’ve found your half siblings.
I’m totally not jealous of them or the fact that they get to live in the same town as you, by the way.
Not at all. Didn’t even cry about it for four straight days. ”
Cassie reached over and squeezed her hand. “They’re not replacing you. They’re bonus sisters. Actually, Lyra would love you. I’ll try to convince her to come with me next time I visit.”
“I would love to meet your sisters,” Sammy said.
“Andi is trickier. She owns a farm. And she’s kind of a grump. A lovable one, though.”
“I’ve cracked tougher nuts,” Sammy said.
“Time’s up.” Cassie nodded at the pump. “When’s his next feed?”
Sammy squinted and frowned at the amount of liquid in the bottles. “Two fifty-seven.”
“Got it. Go sleep.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Go. To. Sleep. I promise if I can’t get him to take a bottle, I’ll come get you.”
Sammy wrapped her in a giant hug, kissed Phillip on the head, then disappeared upstairs.
Cassie leaned back on the couch and held her nephew close. She breathed in his sweet baby scent and brushed a hand over his tiny, wispy hair.
An intrusive thought crept in.
Had her own mother held her like this? Did they have any time at all together, or had she handed her over immediately?
Curiosity burned. She carefully stood up and walked to the guest bedroom, Phillip in the crook of her arm. Her knees cracked as she bent down to dig in her bag for her mother’s journal.
Thankfully, Phillip was unbothered by her popcorn knees and stayed asleep.
She took it back to the couch and sat down to read. There had been no further mention of a romantic interest in the entries she had managed to read through while meal prepping, and M.D.’s identity still hadn’t been revealed. She took a deep breath and cracked the cover.
6/17/91
I can hardly contain my excitement. You’ll never guess who walked into the diner last night—M.D. Not only did he remember me from the fall, but he remembered my birthday. He brought flowers and chocolate and a cute little teddy bear.
And then it finally happened. He waited until I finished my shift, then we went to the movies. It wasn’t like any date I’d ever been on. He opened doors for me, offered me his jacket at the end of the night. And when he dropped me off, he kissed me. It was so romantic.
For the first time in my life, I feel like somebody. M.D. says he works in the city, so he won’t be able to come out as often as he’d like, but he gave me a phone number to call him at work. He’s really important.
Mama and Daddy would freak if they knew I was staying out late with an older man. I asked him if we could keep it secret, and he said yes. I’m not going to put his name in here. If Mama finds out, she’ll whip me. Him too.
Cassie leafed ahead through weeks of descriptions of diner shifts and endless farm chores.
Elizabeth mentioned M.D. often, sometimes stating she got a letter or a phone call at the pay phone in town.
She could feel her mother’s teenage love through the pages.
Rarely was anything as powerful or all-consuming as a first love.
If only she could’ve had a chance to know this vibrant young woman. Elizabeth’s DNA was written in her body, but they’d never truly met.
Who would she have become if her circumstances were different? Had Cassie’s birth set her down a path she could never recover from?
Finally, she found another meeting with M.D.
7/5/91
Last night was nothing short of magic. I told Mama that I was staying at Stephanie’s for a Fourth of July sleepover, but instead, M.D. picked me up and took me to the beach. He had some time off because of the holiday. We swam and sat on the sand and watched fireworks.
Then he took me back to his hotel. The bed was covered in rose petals, and he’d set up candles everywhere. It was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen. We took a bubble bath together in the Jacuzzi. I was shy, but he kept telling me how beautiful I am.
I let him take my virtue while fireworks popped outside our window. It hurt a little, but I think it’ll get better with time. I’ve never felt so close to someone before. My parents will kill me if they find out.
He drove me the two hours home this morning. I miss him already. I wish I knew when he’d be back. It was the most romantic night of my whole life. Is it possible to fall in love with someone after only meeting them three times?
Cassie skipped ahead a couple passages. All she had gleaned was that her father was an older man who had an important job in the city. That hardly narrowed it down.
8/6/91
I’ve been feeling a little weird. My boobs hurt, and my insides feel like I ate some bad crab.
If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’m pregnant.
But M.D. told me it can’t happen the first time you make love.
I hope whatever this is moves along soon.
It’s making it hard to do the barn work, and Mama is already on my case enough as it is without me missing chores.
8/15/91
My period hasn’t come. I got a test from the Crown, and it was positive. I’m going to be in so much trouble. I’ll have to hide it as long as I can, but school starts next week. I’m too afraid to tell M.D. What if it ruins everything?
The next few pages were warped, like the journal had been left out in the rain.
9/1/92
I’m not showing yet, but I think I need to tell M.D. the truth. I’ve been so sick. I’ve had to carry sandwich bags with me all over the place to throw up in at school. I think my teachers know. I told Stephanie, and she told me to get rid of it, but I think it’s too late.
Besides, M.D. deserves to know. This baby is half his. Maybe together, we can make a plan. Maybe he’ll want this baby. I’m going to tell him this weekend. He wants to take me to a swanky hotel in DC.
Phillip inhaled sharply on her chest, and his tiny face screwed up. Uh oh, he was about to cry.
“Shh,” she said, patting him on the back. She glanced at her watch—it was 2:45. He was probably hungry.
“Don’t worry, Pip. We’ll get you some milk,” she cooed.
She jumped up and closed the journal. The mystery of her father’s identity would have to wait.