Chapter 46
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Cassie rounded the corner by the big cats and came to an abrupt halt. Noah was already there, crouched down and talking to a little girl.
She froze, then dove behind the nearest sign. She pressed a hand to her chest and fought to take a deep breath.
Gloria had not told her that Noah was also volunteering tonight.
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t stand next to him after what he’d said.
He was just like everyone else. He was retreating, choosing anyone and anything but her. Over and over again, the story was the same.
She must have been profoundly unlovable. Why else would her birth mother have given her up mere hours after she entered the world?
And speaking of birth, she could never give Noah what he wanted. He was a family man—she could tell from his interactions with Izzy and the kids who came to the sanctuary. And not a fake one like Dave—he wanted a family to share this life with, not as some kind of feather in his cap.
And she couldn’t give it to him. She was barren, apparently immune to sperm. Not even a team of fertility doctors had been able to overcome her shortcomings. The universe didn’t want her to be a mother. She and Noah were fundamentally incompatible.
So why did she still want him so much?
She turned on her heel and dashed down the gravel path, rattling the mugs in the gift shop as she ran through. A couple guests looked at her in concern, but she kept going.
She fired off a clumsy text to Gloria apologizing for bailing on her shift and drove straight home.
Taco greeted her with an entire loaf of crusty bread in his mouth. Where the hell had it come from?
It didn’t matter.
She went straight to her closet and shut the doors. The floor was rigid and unforgiving under her back as she laid in silence, waiting for the feelings to stop pummeling her.
What would Dr. Hernandez say?
Breathe. Center yourself. Stop being a big, dumb bitch. Okay, she probably wouldn’t say that last one.
She needed a distraction. Any distraction.
She slid the closet doors open and crawled over to her nightstand. Her birth mother’s journal was heavy in her hand as she leaned against the side of the bed.
It was time to finish the story. She wouldn’t be able to truly start the healing process until she heard in her own mother’s words what had happened.
9/8/91
I am broken.
I’m writing this on the bus back from the city.
M.D. and I had the most perfect weekend.
We went to museums, had lunch, and we made love in the fanciest bed I’ve ever seen.
We talked about the future and what we would do—go on trips, get married.
It was so beautiful and romantic and I finally got up the courage to tell him the truth.
He looked at me like he didn’t know who I was. He got up off the bed and said to me, “This is no child of mine.” Then he left. I waited until this morning to buy a bus ticket.
I don’t know what to do.
9/9/91
I’m alone. An unwed mother. A statistic. I know it’s crazy, but I don’t want to give up this baby. I’m not showing yet, but I think I can feel her inside me. I also think it’s a girl. It’s not her fault her daddy’s a cowardly asshole.
But what kind of life could I give this baby? I’m 18 and still have another year of high school.
Maybe my parents will take pity on me. I have to tell them the truth, but I’m so scared. They’re all I have left. They get angry if I forget to lock the gate. How will they react when they find out I’m pregnant?
Cassie’s fingers shook as she turned the page. Her heart ached for the woman she’d never met. She was eighteen, pregnant, and alone. From the comments sprinkled in about her parents and Cassie’s own history, she could predict the ending.
10/1/91
I don’t even know where to start. So much has changed.
My parents kicked me out of the house. I will never forget the look on Mama’s face.
She was so cold and indifferent. Like she’d just been waiting for me to make a mistake like this.
They told me I wasn’t welcome at home anymore, and they didn’t care where I went.
I wonder where they’re going to find free farm labor. Good luck, assholes. I hope I never see you again. One thing’s for sure, they will never meet their grandbaby.
Aunt Kathy helped me find a maternity home in Baltimore. So now I’m a city girl, living in a group home with a half-dozen other unwed mothers. We call it the House.
In some ways, it’s not so bad. I feel like I can breathe again. The worst happened, and I survived. Everyone here is in the same situation, and none of them are quick to judge.
We’re in Hampden, a short bus ride to everywhere in the city. I take walks along the river with the other girls, and we’ve gone to the zoo in Druid Hill Park a couple times. Can you believe they have tigers? There’s a whole world outside of Aster Hollow.
The only thing I don’t like about the city is that I can’t see the stars. I miss them.
My jeans don’t fit anymore, and I saw a doctor who told me to start taking some vitamins. One of the worst parts of this whole ordeal is I had to drop out of school. I’ll never get to have a normal senior year experience. But I can still get my GED—the House has a program to help with it.
There’s a lot of pressure to adopt in here. I haven’t decided what to do. If I keep the baby, I can stay for a year while we figure things out. One of the other girls here kept her baby, and they seem happy enough.
I hate myself for wishing M.D. was here. I look for him on every walk. Maybe he’ll change his mind. How could he not care about a piece of himself walking around, living and breathing?
I wish I knew what to do.
10/15/91
I can feel her move now. Sometimes I lay awake at night and just watch her dance. I ate half a carton of Berger cookies last night and she did flips and cartwheels all night long. It kind of feels like an alien.
I love my little alien.
Against her will, tears welled up in Cassie’s eyes. She was wanted. Even loved.
I’ve been working at the diner down the street from the House. I’m definitely showing now, and I get some looks from the old ladies, but most people are nice. Some even tip extra. I’m happy to be putting some money away. When I’m not at work, I’m studying for my GED test. I’ll take it in December.
If I was still in Aster Hollow, the whole school would be getting revved up for homecoming. I’d probably be daydreaming in math class right now, not pouring coffees for businessmen.
I’ve been thinking about my parents. They’re probably getting ready to harvest the soybeans. Do they think about me at all? I haven’t heard from them once since I left. I guess I don’t have parents anymore.
I wonder what M.D.’s doing. I don’t know why I’m still protecting his identity like my parents are going to bust the door down and read my diary. No more M.D. Now he’s just Dick.
I still think about Dick all the time. I tried to call his number at work a couple times, but it’s disconnected now.
Part of me still loves him. I wonder if I always will. I want to wish him well, but a bigger part of me hopes he pays for this. Maybe that’s mean. But a real man would show up for the child he helped create.
I never pegged him as a coward, but I guess you never really know a person until the worst happens.
Every day, the House mother asks me if I’m ready to talk to some couples about adoption, but I haven’t had the stomach for it.
It feels selfish to keep her. I don’t know who will watch the baby when I’m at work or how I’ll pay for all the things she needs. Daddy always had a lot of harsh words about people living on the system.
It’s my fault she’s alive. I wish I knew the answer.
12/1/92
I found him. I was waiting to take the bus from the mall yesterday, and I saw his face on a fricken bench.
Dick works for Johns Hopkins. No wonder he could afford all those fancy hotel rooms.
Cassie balked. Her biological father worked for Hopkins? What if her adoptive father knew him?
Now I have his full name. I went to the library and found his address in a phone book. He lives in the fancy neighborhood. All this time, he’s only been a couple miles away.
I want to confront him. I want to yell at him and demand that he take responsibility for the life he helped create. But more than anything, I want answers.
Why did he leave like I was nothing?
I’m going to show up at his house on Saturday morning. He can’t avoid me forever.
Cassie leaned forward, heart in her throat.
12/7/91
I might have made a mistake. So much has happened.
I went to Dick’s house this morning. It might as well have been a castle at Disney World. I was staring at all the columns when a woman opened the door and asked what I wanted. Turned out she was his wife.
Cassie gasped.
I didn’t know he was married. Now I’m not just a teen mom. I’m a homewrecker too. I hoped she was a maid, but she was dressed too nice. She asked me what I needed to talk to Dick about, and then she looked at my belly. And burst into tears.
She invited me inside and asked me to tell her everything. I felt so bad that I agreed. I knew Dick was a coward, but I never knew he was an adulterer.
She told me she couldn’t get pregnant, and that had made a lot of problems between her and Dick. I told her everything—about the diner, the dates, the hotel stays. I must have apologized a thousand times. I hope she doesn’t kill him, but if she does, I’ll help her hide the body.
The baby started dancing while we were talking, and she asked if she could touch my belly. I feel awfully bad for her.
I was still there when he came back from the gym. He dropped the whiskey glass he was holding and demanded to know what I was doing there.
He said he needed to talk to his wife, but they’d be in touch, and I left after that. It didn’t feel like closure. He looked at me like I was a cockroach on his cornflakes. He’d never looked at me like that before.
12/9/91
I got word yesterday that I passed the GED. So technically, I graduated early. Not bad for an unwed mother.
I’ve been going crazy, waiting for Dick to call. I expect they’ll offer money, even if it’s just to make me go away forever. I doubt they want a scandal on their hands—they’re society people.
I still don’t know what to do about the baby. I love her dearly, and I can’t imagine not being in her life, but the House mother is really pressuring me about adoption.
It hurts my heart to think about letting her go. But it’s not about me anymore. My job as a mother is to do what’s best for the baby, and wouldn’t her life be better if she had two loving parents instead of one teen mom?
It would be selfish to keep her. But letting go is going to hurt like a bitch.
I’ve decided to name her Cassiopeia. I hope whatever parents she ends up with let her keep it.
Cassiopeia doesn’t have the nicest story, but it’s one of my favorite constellations.
The book that I got from the library said that part of the constellation is the Heart and Soul Nebula, which makes stars.
Cassie will always have my heart and soul, so it seems fitting.
Plus, I like that I can see it all year round.
She might never know who I am, but we’ll always be under the same stars. I already miss her.
12/24/92
The strangest thing happened this morning. Dick and his wife showed up at the House with a gift. They invited me over for Christmas Eve dinner at their house and—
Cassie’s phone vibrated loudly on the floor, jerking her out of the story. She picked it up and looked at the screen.
An unknown number. Could it be a new client with an emergency?
“Hello?”
“Dr. Thompson?”
“Yes.”
“Hi, this is Mariah Wellington from the Maryland Zoo.”
“Oh, hi. How are you?” she asked. Why was the zoo in Baltimore calling her?
“I’m great, thanks,” Mariah said. “I was just calling to let you know that we have an unexpected job opening. We had your resume on file from when you dropped it off a couple months ago and found your credentials really impressive. San Diego is the big leagues.”
“Oh, thank you. It was a great job.”
“Would you be interested in coming in for an interview and a site visit? Get a feel for the place?”
Her mind raced. A refusal was on the tip of her tongue. Her practice wasn’t even open yet. She had three employees counting on her. A fresh start. Something no one could take away from her.
But her brief time in charge of the clinic had proven that she wasn’t meant to be a boss. She’d lost an employee before the doors even opened, she had no idea what her business insurance policy was talking about, and even Taco probably had a better understanding of the Fair Labor Standards Act.
If she went to the zoo, she wouldn’t have to deal with accountants and insurance and licensure. She wouldn’t disappoint anyone. She could focus on caring for the animals, not on penalizing people for imaginary tires falling off and illicit Frappuccinos.
It would mean moving back to the city—because she sure as hell wasn’t going to commute over an hour every single day—but then she wouldn’t have to deal with living next door to the man who had rejected her after a single foray under the stars.
She could still come back and round on the animals at Willow Bend when he wasn’t there, keep an eye on Huck.
It was a lot to consider. But it didn’t hurt to see what the offer was all about.
“Okay. Thanks for thinking of me.”
“Are you available tomorrow? We’d love to get someone in as quickly as we can so there’s minimal disruption to the animals.”
“Sure. Just tell me what time.”
With all the details hammered out, Cassie hung up the phone and looked around her room in a frenzy. Her interview outfit wasn’t clean, she needed to review her talking points and come up with examples for the questions they were sure to ask.
A light winked off at Noah’s house, and she yanked the blinds shut. She didn’t need his presence distracting her.
Was this a life-changing opportunity, or a colossal mistake?