Chapter 28
CHAPTER 28
The office had always been a cheery place on Fridays, but even Tobias was looking muted the following day, and Tally phoned in sick. Even the weather felt low; by midday the sky was darkening and it felt several degrees colder. I was just telling Tobias he could take the afternoon off when something caught my eye – a flash of white and tan at the window.
I got up from my seat and went to look out at the gravelled carriage drive. It was Hugo. No collar, no lead. He was standing on the drive, scenting the air.
‘What the hell,’ I murmured, opening the door as softly as I could. I had no treats at my disposal – getting him to come to me would have to rely on affection alone.
‘Hu-go,’ I called, in my softest, sweetest voice. He turned and looked at me, his tail flickering into life. ‘Good boy!’ I said. ‘Such a good boy. Hugo, come!’ He raised a paw to take a step forwards.
The child came out of nowhere – a demob happy toddler, just released from her parents’ car after a long journey day-tripping to Stonemore.
‘Goggy!’ she shrieked at the sight of the beagle, charging towards him, little arms outstretched.
Hugo looked at her with his bright, seal-pup eyes, and assessed the situation.
I called his name again, but his eyes didn’t move from the child.
He tipped his head.
Then he turned.
And he ran.
Boy, that dog could run. He ran with an ecstatic, joyous energy, galloping out into the acres of Stonemore. There was no way I could keep up with him, but I tried anyway – pounding across the drive to the first gate. By the time I reached it, he was long gone. ‘Shit,’ I said. ‘ Shit! ’
I got back to the office to find Tobias already tapping a message into the house group chat for everyone to look out for Hugo. Almost at the same moment, Roshni came running into the office. She was dressed in colourful workout gear and was holding a phone. ‘Have you seen Hugo? George opened the door for a split second and he was gone. I think he was trying to find Jamie – he’s gone for a run.’
I explained what had happened. ‘Fuck,’ she said. ‘On top of everything. He doesn’t have a tracker on, does he?’
I shook my head, dialling Callum. Tobias had sent out his SOS but all the responses coming in were negative. No one had seen Hugo.
We went out in different directions, clutching phones and estate walkie talkies. I walked along the verge of the road that ran around the perimeter of the estate. I could feel the panic rising in me as I scoured every hedgerow and stone wall for a sign of him, calling his name. The cars that drove past seemed to be going much too fast. The thought of him being knocked down made me feel sick and shaky. At one point I caught a glimpse of figures on a far hillside, looking, heard the faintest suggestion of their shouts. I was sure one of the figures was Jamie.
We all searched for hours. But there was no sign of Hugo.
‘He’ll come back when he gets hungry,’ I said, when we all gathered in the staff office at four, but I could hear the uncertainty in my own voice. The light was already fading and Hugo’s dinnertime was 4.15. By this time he’d normally be sitting by his bowl, waiting for his food.
Everyone had worked hard. We were cold and tired. I half expected Jamie to appear, to thank everyone. Instead, George stood on a chair and gave a little speech, whilst Roshni and Tobias handed out cups of tea.
‘Where’s Jamie?’ I said to Roshni.
She gave a little shake of her head. ‘Still looking.’
As the volunteers drifted away and Tobias said goodnight, Callum and I carried on working at our desks, as though by mutual agreement. Every so often, I glanced out into the darkness, as though that flash might pass by the window again. At 8pm, Cal came in.
‘It’s time to go home,’ he said. ‘Sitting here won’t bring him back. I know that dog and he’s a canny one. He’ll probably have made eyes at a stranger and is snoozing by someone’s fire as we speak. He’ll be back tomorrow.’
I nodded, suddenly unable to speak. Cal watched as I shut down my computer.
Back at the cottage, I checked the garden for the little beagle, even though he’d never visited me. Then I fell asleep on the sofa. I stayed there all night. At 8am I was woken by a text from Roshni.
Is he with you?
I blinked sleep from my eyes.
Hugo? No .
Not Hugo. Jamie .
I sat up. No?
‘I even checked with she-who-must-not-be-asked,’ said Roshni, when I got to the flat. ‘He messaged George at 11pm yesterday, said he would be back soon. But if he did come back, he went again. His bed hasn’t been slept in.’
‘We were fast asleep after the day looking for Hugo,’ said George. He ran a hand through his thick hair and it struck me how much like Jamie he looked in that moment. ‘What if he’s lost? What if he’s fallen? The weather forecast says it might snow.’
‘He knows the estate like the back of his hand,’ said Roshni. ‘You’ve said it a thousand times. He’s fit, strong and sensible.’
‘Accidents happen though, don’t they?’ said George tightly.
I looked at them both. ‘Have you messaged him this morning?’
‘Of course. It didn’t arrive,’ George said miserably.
It was then we heard the noise: the hallooing, a cheering. We ran to the window.
Callum stood on the forecourt, a bundle in his arms.
‘I’ve got him!’ he shouted, when George levered open the window. ‘I’ve got the little bugger. He’s fine!’
The bundle was Hugo. And he was very muddy indeed.
We all took off down the stairs at the sight of him.
‘I found him in the roots of the Mulholland Oak,’ said Cal, when we reached him. ‘I was driving around at first light.’
I snapped Hugo’s collar around his neck and clipped on his lead, before Cal put him down on the floor. Hugo looked up at us all, and wagged his tail.
‘Is it me, or does he look extremely pleased with himself?’ said Roshni.
‘Aye, he does.’ Cal looked down sternly at him. ‘I’ll give him breakfast and a bath, then we’ll get him checked out at the vet.’
‘You’re a massive nuisance ,’ said Roshni to Hugo. He looked into the middle distance as though she hadn’t said a thing.
‘Now all we’ve got to do is find my brother,’ said George. ‘At what point can you notify the police of a missing person?’
I closed my eyes against the tension in the air. Jamie. Missing.
‘I’ll google it,’ said Roshni. ‘And let’s convene a search party. Think about the routes he might have taken.’
‘None of the Land Rovers are out,’ said Cal. ‘Wherever he’s gone, he’s walked. I’ll go and get an estate map so we can make plans.’
‘Excellent. Thank you.’ Roshni put an arm around George and he rested his head on her shoulder. ‘Any ideas about where he might go, my love?’
‘Not really. He could cover quite a distance. He took one of the old kit bags, and the bottle of the Macallan from the living room,’ George said.
The Macallan , I thought. That whisky has a lot to answer for. Surely not…
‘I have an idea where he might be,’ I said.
They turned and looked at me.
Half an hour later, Callum, Hugo and I were rattling our way up the hillside in Cal’s ancient Land Rover. Hugo was freshly bathed and I held him in my lap, although occasionally he would launch himself onto his back legs and gaze out of the window at the hills and streams, as though he longed to be exploring them. Back at the house, Roshni and George were briefing the search party, just in case I was wrong.
The promised snow hadn’t materialised but the sky was lead grey and menacing. When we got to our destination, I kept a strong hold on Hugo’s lead as he jumped down beside me, and I hoisted a kit bag on my back despite Callum’s offer to take it. We set off along the muddy track, our faces brightened by the cold.
At a clearing in the woods, we saw it: the little bothy where Jamie and I had spent the night, smoke rising from its chimney.
Callum caught my eye. ‘Let’s see,’ he said.
Hugo and I went first. I knocked on the green door and turned the handle. At the same moment as I opened the door, Jamie appeared in front of me, surprised and glum-looking; Hugo went mad with joy, barking and bouncing on his back legs. Jamie’s face creased with joy. ‘Ingrate,’ he said, crouching and inhaling the smell of Hugo’s scruff as the beagle booped at him with his nose. ‘Where the hell have you been, little hound?’
‘On adventures,’ I said, trying desperately to stop myself from keeling over with relief. I leaned back out the door and gave a thumbs-up to Callum. He nodded, and a smile broke across his face. ‘One hour,’ he said, and headed off back through the woods.
I closed the door and turned to look at Jamie, suddenly feeling shy. He had scooped Hugo into his arms, and was rubbing the little dog’s chest. Then he gently put him down. ‘Was it you who guessed where I was?’ he said.
I leaned back against the door. ‘Yes. George said you’d taken the Macallan. That was the clincher.’
He nodded and smiled, still not meeting my eye.
‘I’ve got treats,’ I said. ‘Plus my own supply of chocolate, so you can’t ration me this time.’ I pulled out some folded blankets from the kit bag and put them on the floor. Hugo immediately claimed the pile and lay down on them. I laughed.
When I stopped laughing, I looked up; Jamie’s eyes were bright and fixed on my face. His beautiful, electric blue eyes, so much like the sky over Stonemore, but filled with a feeling that flipped my heart.
‘I thought I’d lost him,’ he said.
‘Nothing’s lost that can’t be found,’ I said.
‘Is that one of your mum’s weird sayings?’ he said, and as we started laughing, he pulled me to him. ‘Can I kiss you?’ he said. ‘Even if it’s for the last time?’
I answered by kissing him first.
It was just like the first time we’d kissed; like lighting a touchpaper. And we didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. He lifted me up into his arms and I wrapped my legs around his waist, until Hugo started barking and we broke away from each other, breathless and laughing.
‘It was never just about sex,’ I blurted out, and saw the astonishment on his face. ‘I love you. I know it’s inconvenient, but I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ He said it without hesitation. Then he pulled me to him again and kissed me passionately. ‘I’ve wanted to kiss you again, for so long,’ Jamie said. ‘You drive me insane. I can’t tell you, Anna.’ He pressed his face into my neck whilst I played my fingers over his neck, his hair.
‘I need to sit down before I fall down,’ I said. I was trembling with adrenaline, with relief, with absolute desire. We sat down on the folded blankets and Hugo squirmed beside us, burying his nose in the side of Jamie’s thigh. ‘Tell me it’s not the last time,’ Jamie said.
‘You’re not getting rid of me that easily,’ I said. ‘By the way, do you realise you just told me that you loved me? I mean, after all that fuss. See how easy it was?’
‘Ridiculously easy,’ he said softly. ‘Thanks for the therapy. You can go now.’
I shoved him and he pulled me to him. ‘I can’t believe you’re here.’ He planted another kiss on my lips. He handed me his tin mug and I took a sip of whisky; warm, fiery and soothing. ‘Luckily I’d only just poured my first.’
‘It was an emergency,’ I said. ‘George thought you were lying at the bottom of a sheer drop.’
‘What? Really?’ He shook his head. ‘Oh no, poor George. I didn’t think.’
‘I’m sure he’ll forgive you.’ I allowed myself to stroke the side of his neck with my thumb. It was as though I had to ration these moments – too much joy would kill me.
His eyes flickered back to my face. ‘I’ve made such a mess of things. When I got back, and I saw Lucinda with that man – it was like I woke up from a dream. What was I thinking? Me and Lucinda? Poor woman. I failed her on every count. I couldn’t even bring myself to go to bed with her.’
I choked on my second sip of whisky. ‘What?’
He shook his head. ‘Said I wanted to wait, it was romantic, etc. But the truth was, I couldn’t touch her. Not when we were fresh in my mind. I tried very hard to get over you.’
I handed him the mug back and he took his own sip. ‘But I wasn’t over you. And when we were in London, I realised I really wasn’t. It hit me like a sledgehammer. When you went out – to see your ex, I presumed – I was so jealous, I didn’t know what to do with myself. And being in that apartment, so close to you. The number of times I almost reached out and pulled you into my arms. When I saw you outside Stonemore the other night, I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear to think of what I’d lost. I didn’t need your pity.’
He put the mug down, took my hand, turned it over and kissed it. ‘Can we just, please, be together.’ Then his expression changed. ‘This isn’t pity? You’re not just here to get me off the hill and back to Stonemore?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ I took his face, stared into his eyes. ‘I’m in love with you, Jamie Mulholland. I’ve tried not to be, but I’ve failed. And yes, we can be together. Because…’ I paused, and saw him tilt his head at me, watching me. I remembered Roshni’s words, and the way they had cut through everything with their truthfulness. I’d been so proud of all my ‘ no’s ’. But in the end, I’d been saying no to happiness – mine and his.
‘Because?’ he said.
I stared at him. ‘Because I want you for myself,’ I said. ‘I want to be happy. And I think that might make you happy, too.’
I saw the smile dawn in his eyes as I said it, even though the words sounded strange to me.
‘Then it seems we don’t have a problem,’ he said. He tipped my chin up where I’d looked away. ‘I tried to follow your instructions,’ he said. ‘I tried so hard not to love you. But I can’t do all this – I can’t be here at Stonemore, I can’t be myself – without you. You think I haven’t considered the children thing, but I have. I’ve thought about nothing else since the moment you told everyone. And I’ve made my peace with it. I’d rather have you – there’s not a shred of doubt in my mind. Anna, promise me you won’t go.’ It cost him to say it, I could see that – to drop that high, cold guard.
‘I promise.’ I curled up against him. Felt his arms tight around me. Did I really dare to do this? Did I dare to be happy, really happy?
It was too late. I already was.
The fire was ablaze as it had been on that evening we’d been stranded. ‘They say there’s going to be snow,’ I said, staring into the flames.
‘I’m not scared of the snow if you aren’t.’
‘I’m scared of the shovel, and of your strict chocolate rationing,’ I said. ‘Callum’s coming back to get us in,’ I checked my watch, ‘forty-five minutes.’
‘Maybe we should make good use of the time.’ He nuzzled my neck, and I could feel goosebumps running over my body.
‘Not in front of Hugo,’ I said. The beagle’s eyes were balefully half open, as if he couldn’t bear to take his eyes off his newly found master.
‘Awkward,’ said Jamie. ‘He’s supposed to be my wing man.’
‘Oh, he is. Look how he brought us together.’
‘Anna?’ Jamie handed me the mug again. ‘You’re going to need another sip.’
I sipped dutifully.
‘I know this might seem sudden, but I’ve never been surer of anything in my life. Will you marry me?’
‘Marry you?’ I said faintly.
Jamie held my gaze. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I’m not scared if you’re not.’
‘Marry you?’ I said. ‘And Stonemore with its leaky roof? And Tally with her endless lecturing on etiquette? And this smelly beagle?’
He held my gaze, and I could see he didn’t know whether to smile or frown at me.
And I thought of my cottage, my self-help books, my journal and its No, inked in bright colours again and again and sprinkled with glitter. And I looked into the eyes of this astonishing man, and thought how strange it was that even when you wanted nothing to do with it, life had a way of seeking you out.
‘Yes,’ I said.