Chapter 23 #2
Staring at her fingers on the strings, she started softly, concentrating on the chords and the words about a city girl finding herself amidst big skies and red barns and cow-dotted pastures – not the man whose laser-like attention was like a spotlight on her soul.
But by the time she reached the chorus she was feeling more sure of herself, tossing her hair back to look at him as she sang.
So many misses
Too many wasted wishes
Looking for something I couldn’t define
Then you came along
With your cowboy kisses
And now I can never go back to city boy kisses
Not ever, not ever again.
His slow smile warmed her from the outside in and by the time she’d sung two more verses and finished on the chorus, she was practically vibrating from his obvious enjoyment.
‘I fucking love it,’ he announced as the last note drifted into the darkening skies.
Stevie laughed. ‘Well, you would, it’s about you.’
‘Of course but… it’s really catchy and trust me, every cowboy I know is going to adopt this as his personal anthem. They’re going to make that a number one hit, blasting it in their trucks on repeat.’
‘From your lips to God’s ears,’ Stevie said with a grin as she placed the guitar on the ground.
‘Maybe I could… come and see you in concert some time? I’ve not seen you live, you’ve only ever been in my radio or on the TV.’
His innocent statement wiped the grin right off her face. ‘Oh no.’ She shook her head vehemently. ‘Please don’t.’
He laughed. ‘Okay.’
Realising she’d been abrupt, Stevie said, ‘Sorry, it’s just…’ She drew her legs to her chest and hugged them. ‘I’d be far too nervous knowing you were there. It would take my barely controllable stage fright to another level.’
Clay frowned. ‘You get stage fright?’
‘Yes. Very badly.’
He moved in his chair so he was sitting side on, facing her. ‘I’m sorry… I didn’t realise. You seemed okay when you sang at the cookout last week.’
‘I’m fine in front of a small group. I mean, I get a little nervous but not panic attack territory. But as soon as there’s a big crowd my heart races and I start to feel sick.’
‘I’ve seen clips of you on stage, you’d never know.’
‘That’s because I had Yolly. She knew about my nerves and she understood.
We had this little ritual before we went on stage that really helped and then when we went on, it was always her in the spotlight anyway.
She was the front woman, she adored the crowds and they adored her right back.
And I adored her so it was like every time I was on stage with her, I was at her concert with the best seat in the house.
I could tell myself that everyone was looking at her, not me.
But now, I have to go alone and… it gets harder and harder.
Once I’m singing I can usually go to a place in my head where I can perform, but actually getting on that stage is a white-knuckle ride. ’
His frown deepened like he was having difficulty computing what she was saying. ‘You sang at the Grammies.’
Stevie nodded. ‘I vomited twice in the dressing room before I went on stage.’
‘Stevie…’ he whispered, his hand sliding across the space between the chairs and onto her upper arm. ‘That sounds… awful.’
She rolled her head to the side, her eyes meeting his. ‘It is.’
‘Does your mom know?’
Stevie shook her head. ‘She knows I get really nervous before going on stage but not the extent of it. I don’t want to… worry her.’
His expression turned grim and Stevie could see he disapproved but… it was complicated and she didn’t want him judging her mom.
‘Have you spoken to someone about it? A therapist? Because you have a tour starting in November, right? You can’t go through that every time you have to go on stage. There must be some medication that could help you manage those symptoms.’
‘Yes, you’re probably right, but the thing is…’ Stevie faltered. She’d never uttered this to anyone before but with everything they’d shared it felt right for him to know this thing she couldn’t speak out loud. ‘I don’t think I want to do this any more.’
‘Perform?’
She swallowed. ‘Yeah.’
‘Okay.’ He nodded gently, his hand dropping to the arm of her chair. ‘So… why not just stop?’
Stevie shut her eyes. If only it was that simple. ‘I can’t just stop.’ Her eyes flashed open. ‘I have a contract and an agent and a label and a twenty-city national tour starting in November which means everything to my mom. A national tour was Yolly’s dream.’
‘And what about your dream? What’s Stevie’s dream?’
Drawing in a shuddery breath, Stevie’s head thunked back against the chair. Over the darkening pastures, insect song had set in and stars had just started to pop through the crushed velvet veil of night.
This was her dream. This view, this place, this man.
‘I just want to write songs.’ Stevie could only imagine the songs she could write out here.
‘And this contract allows me to do that. But… I want to give them to other people to sing. I mean, I can record them too and probably will but it’s not my first love.
And I’d rather give my songs to artists who can really do them justice.
’ In her head, Stevie had seen herself bowing out eventually and encouraging Yolly to go solo, with lyrics she wrote exclusively for her sister.
‘So… why not do that?’
Stevie sighed. The truth was, now she had a platform she probably could but… Yolly. ‘My mom.’
‘Stevie…’ His voice was laced with soft reproach. ‘Why don’t you talk to her about what you’re experiencing? I’m sure she wouldn’t want you going through that.’
‘I can’t.’ Stevie shook her head. ‘The only thing that has kept her going these past couple of years is my music career. Yolly’s music career.
Trying to make sure Yolly’s dream for our music comes to fruition.
It’s what gets her out of bed each day. It’s why she keeps putting one foot in front of the other instead of crumpling into a heap.
You didn’t see her that day. You weren’t there in the hospital or in those days after.
’ Stevie’s voice broke a little but she continued.
‘Yolly was taken away from her but she has this. And I can’t take that from her, too. I just can’t, Clay. I won’t.’
Stevie knew how messed up it was but for better or worse, grief had reset all the norms in their lives and they were all just dealing with it in the best way they knew how.
‘Oh… Stevie.’ Even in the encroaching night, concern set Clay’s features in stark relief.
‘It’s okay.’ She cleared her throat as she shook her head and plastered a smile on her face. ‘I’m being very dramatic. Making it sound much more dire than it is. Don’t worry about it.’ She waved a dismissive hand in the air. ‘Plus I’m really starving. Can we eat?’
He regarded her for long moments. ‘You don’t want to talk about this any more?’
Stevie shook her head. ‘I really don’t.’ They could go round and round the houses on it and they’d still end up back here.
‘Okay.’ He smiled and nodded. ‘You want me to put on the grill or should we Netflix and chill with that pint of Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer?’
Was that a real question? ‘Ice-cream.’
He stood, picking up her guitar with one hand and holding his other out for her to take. ‘Shower first? And by that I mean sex in the shower first?’
Stevie laughed, almost giddy with relief. ‘I thought you’d never ask,’ she murmured as she took his hand and followed him into the cabin.