Chapter 53
Chapter fifty-three
On My Way To You
Cheyenne
Idrove through the night—a minor miracle since it was raining. But more than that, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks blurred my vision. I couldn’t stop crying. Couldn’t stop thinking of him. Of every moment since that night in Cowboy’s months ago that changed my life forever.
Him being all nervous, talking about horses.
Kissing me outside. Asking me to read him one of my books.
Lord of the Rings…but with porn in it. The fire, but the connection that we formed after that.
The bond we shared. That first night in his home, and then falling for him a little bit more each and every day so that by the time he started talking again I didn’t stand a chance.
Then there was finding out I was pregnant and through all of that, through all the fear and anguish and worry, he held me, he loved me, he supported me.
And when we heard baby girl’s heartbeat…
There were so many memories, each moment more beautiful and magical and heart wrenching than the last. Maverick was kind and good and everything that was right in the world. He was a prime example of not letting your past define you. The bravest, strongest man I knew… And I’d left him.
Left him in the middle of the night, like a fucking coward.
A wave of disgust and self-loathing surged through me, strong enough to choke the air from my lungs.
My vision was blurring, my nerves growing all tingly.
Fuck. What was happening to me? I pulled off to the side of the highway and slammed the car in park as sound morphed and wobbled, a loud ringing filling the silence.
“Fuck. Fuck.” My breath sawed in and out of my lungs, my chest heaving from the effort.
I looked to Brandy in the passenger’s seat as she let out a whine.
I tried and failed to focus my breathing as I reached out a hand to pet her.
The ringing wouldn’t stop, and I felt hot and cold all at once.
What the hell was happening? She crawled over the center console and placed her head on my stomach.
I ran a hand over her fur, over and over again, forcing slow, deep breaths down my lungs.
Tears welled and blurred my vision once more as I pressed my head to the steering wheel and let out a gut-wrenching sob. God, it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad.
Why did it have to be like this?
Go back. The words were like a caress from my subconscious.
I wanted nothing more than to listen, but…but going back wouldn’t change anything. I was a danger to Maverick and his family. Nate wouldn’t stop. The stupid texts I kept getting from random numbers were proof enough.
I thought of Maverick, my heart breaking just a bit more. Had he read the letter yet? I bet he had. I glanced at the clock on my car. 9:36 AM. There was no doubt in my mind he was already awake. He’d had to have read it by now.
I wondered how he was handling it. Guilt racked through me, pummeling the air from my lungs so thoroughly that I saw stars for a moment and thought I might pass out. He probably hated me. I honestly hoped he did. I deserved it.
My cell phone buzzed somewhere in the cup holder. Probably another threat from Nate. But the buzz was different. A call, then. A whirlwind of emotions stirred in my chest. Hope and dread, curiosity and fear. Was it Nate? Maverick?
Curiosity got the best of me in the end, and I reached for my phone, my head still resting against the steering wheel. I couldn’t lift it; my limbs had turned to mush. The will to move, to do anything more than just merely exist was too much.
I frowned at the familiar name on my phone. Charlie. I shouldn’t answer. I didn’t want to deal with her questions, her anger. She’d no doubt be furious. But it’s like my brain and mind weren’t in agreement.
My thumb hit the green answer button.
“I’m not comin’ home, Charlie,” I sobbed out by way of greeting.
“I know. I wanted to make sure you were okay. How’s baby girl?” Charlie’s voice was soft, understanding on the other line. And that was somehow worse. I didn’t deserve her sympathy, her kindness.
“We’re f-f-fine,” I replied, struggling through the words.
“Breathe, Chey. It’s okay. Just breathe.”
I wiped uselessly at the tears leaking down my face. It’s like my tear ducts had broken and liquid just flowed from them endlessly now. “It’s n-n-not o-k-kay. I fuckin’ left him!”
“I know.” Her voice was sad. “He told us. He said Nate threatened you?”
I huffed a bitter laugh, sniffling as I said, “Oh, yeah. About a dozen fuckin’ times.” My phone buzzed and I glanced down to see yet another random number show up as a text notification across the top banner of my phone. “Make that thirteen now.”
“Chey…” Charlie loosed a sigh. “I’m so sorry.”
“I didn’t want to leave,” I whispered, leaning back against the seat and closing my eyes. Brandy’s head on my stomach helped soothe some of the ache inside me. “I love him…but I’m scared.”
“I can’t even imagine.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “H-how is he doin’?”
I had to know. I knew it was torture. I knew it would do me no good, but I…well, I needed to know.
Another sigh. “About as good as you’d think.”
Which meant fucking horrible. Worry and guilt swirled in my chest, filling my lungs like smoke.
I let out a sob. And through it all, Charlie just listened, the other end of the line remaining quiet.
She didn’t push me or try to pry. Before I knew it, my sobs turned to whispers, then whispers to words.
“...He bared his scars to me, Charlie. He told me everythin’. ..and I just left.”
“You can come back…” Her voice was soft, hesitant, as if she wasn’t quite sure she should say the words aloud, but couldn’t help it.
I scoffed. “Everyone would hate me. He would hate me.”
“He doesn’t hate you and you know it. None of us do.”
“You don’t?” I sniffled.
Charlie blew out a breath. “I understand you better than you think… I know what it’s like to run away from your problems. I know it’s not the same, but…
when I saw the banamine in Ryder’s truck, I was so angry and scared that he’d fallen back into that behavior again.
But then he’d explained and I just felt stupid and angrier, because he called me out on my fears and forced me to make a choice…
them or him. I let my fears win out, and it just about killed me.
I’d never felt so broken or lost as I did that night. ”
I huffed in agreement. “I get that. It’s like this knot of pain in my chest that just won’t quit.”
“It doesn’t get better,” Charlie admitted softly. “It was literally only a week…but I felt like I was dying.”
Another wave of tears sprung to life in my eyes. I didn’t even try to wipe them away as I choked out, “You and Ryder are perfect together though. Me…fuck… I’m no good for Maverick. Just ask Aunt Violet.”
“Number one, who gives a shit what anyone else thinks? Who gets to say if you’re right for him or not? And second, Aunt Violet was actually one of the loudest ones in favor of coming to find you.”
I frowned, the realization more than a bit of a surprise. “Really?”
“Yes. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that regardless of what you think of yourself, what anyone thinks of you really, all that matters is that Maverick thinks you’re enough.”
“To be fair, he also thought Ashleigh was.”
“Stop being a smart ass,” Charlie chastised, though there was a hint of warmth to her words. Tears still flowed down my face, but the sobs didn’t make me feel like I’d keel over and die anymore, so small wins, I guess. “Look, point is, you are good for him. Everyone can see that.”
“How? I’ve just brought up endless amounts of trauma for him, and—”
“And,” Charlie cut in. “You helped him find his voice. He’s more talkative now than he ever has been, which is saying a lot because he hardly talked at all before. You’ve made him more confident, more open with others, fuck, Chey…you got him to show his scars.”
I pursed my lips, wiping uselessly at my face once more. I couldn’t get the words out as a wave of emotion washed over me, drowning me in its intensity.
Charlie went on before I could. “What’s so fascinating about you and Maverick, is that logically, you two don’t work.
You’re wild and reckless, where he is calm, unchanging.
You’re bright and fiery, while he is cool and closed off.
You’re spontaneous, always living by the spur of the moment, and let’s face it, Mav is a creature of habit.
But despite that, despite all those differences, he tempers your flame, and you light him up.
And if that isn’t something worth fighting for, then I don’t know what is. ”
My heart swelled as I thought of Maverick. Of the perfect man who held my heart. I wanted to believe her. I really truly did, but that stupid, scared, little voice in my head continued whispering, run… Get away.
“It’s not that easy,” I choked out.
“Oh, knock that shit off, Chey. I’ve been where you are.
Is it easy? No…but love ain’t easy. It’s hard and messy and there’s times when it gets so muddied and frustrating and dire that you don’t know how you can go on, but you do.
You push through. You ride the storm. You tell the stupid fears in your mind to shut the hell up, and you love that man until the fear disappears, until the storm passes.
It ain’t easy…but it’s worth it. I promise. ”
I wondered if she realized how she’d grown from the time I’d first met her. She’d really come into her own, found strength in her relationship with Ryder and her journey into motherhood. She was brave, strong, and kind.
“Do you love him?” Charlie asked.
“Of course I do,” I choked out on a sob.
“Then listen closely. I’m going to tell you the same thing this really smart now six-year-old told me when I broke up with Ryder.
He asked me, if I left Texas, who would be there to love and watch out for Ryder the only way I could…
So, I ask you this… If you leave, who’s going to love Maverick?
Who’s going to light up the darkness inside him like only you can? ”
I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe. Not as the weight of her words hit me dead in the chest.
“I know you think this is better for him in the long run, that you only bring him hurt, but you’re gone and he’s still hurting. And he’s gonna, until you come home.”
A sob fell from my lips.
“Come home, Chey…please.”
I struggled to get air down my lungs, that ringing filling my ears once more.
I needed to think. To figure out everything.
I just…I needed a moment to compose myself.
“I-I gotta go.” Hanging up before Charlie could argue, I gripped the steering wheel with both hands, trying to ride out the fear and worry and pain raging within me.
Brandy whined at my side, nudging me with her nose, but I ignored it.
What was I doing? Was Charlie right? It was hard to think I was good for Maverick, like she said.
Yeah, he’d opened up, but that wasn’t just because of me.
But then I thought of that night he’d bared his scars, showing us all quite possibly the darkest moment of his life, and hope and love and pride swirled in my chest.
I took a deep breath and glanced at Brandy. “What am I doin’, girl?”
She didn’t answer, because, of course, she didn’t.
The dark, angry clouds in the sky were pierced by shafts of sunlight at that moment, and I found myself mesmerized as I watched the sun chase away the storm. And as I watched the sky turn from black to a pale blue bathed in pinks and purples and gold, I felt a flutter of motion in my stomach.
My heart leapt, a wave of relief soothing the fear inside of me. She was okay. And by the string of the following kicks and familiar movements, she was happy.
I couldn’t run away. Not this time.
Not just for Maverick, but for this little girl. This little girl who deserved to have a Daddy who loved her, cherished her, worshiped her. No one could do that better than Maverick. No one could love her more fiercely, or raise her better.
I pressed a hand to my stomach and looked down at Brandy. “No more runnin’, girl. I ain’t my mama.”
I’d let my fear turn me into the very woman I hated more than anything. Running away when things got hard. Letting my fears win.
But I wasn’t my mother, and I wouldn’t give up on Maverick. Not now. Not ever again.