19. Jules
NINETEEN
JULES
“Drew says being happy is not a mistake, and I’m not sure I believe him.”
Dr. Kim looks up from her notes and at the screen. One of the things I love about Dr. Kim is that she does both in-person and remote sessions. Even though she’s located in Boston, I prefer to do our monthly sessions online most of the time.
I’m sitting in Drew’s kitchen, sunlight filtering in through the kitchen window and the French doors leading to the backyard. Bailey sits besides me, her head resting on my lap and I reach down, patting it gently.
I was going to do the session from my room, but Drew said he was going to be working outside so I can use the kitchen if I want. It’s painted a soft mint green with cream cabinets, a big island counter, and farmhouse sink.
It reminds me of the home I had with Gemma.
“Why don’t you believe him?” Dr. Kim asks.
“How is it not a mistake if I’m living with the consequences?” I ask. “My parents kicked me out of my apartment. Fine, I admit, it wasn’t mine and I didn’t have a lease, but I find it odd that the week my photos are tagged online, they decide to remove me from the only home I’ve known.”
Dr. Kim nods in understanding. “When you were with your friends, what did you feel?”
I frown in thought. “I felt happy, fulfilled, like I belonged.”
“And at no time did you feel it was a mistake to be with them? To feel happy, fulfilled, with a sense of belonging?”
Even through the screen, her brown eyes are inescapable and penetrating.
I shake my head in the negative. “No, being with them didn’t feel like a mistake.”
I look down, seeing Bailey’s wide eyes on me. I smile softly, continuing to pat her head.
“Sometimes, it’s easier to blame ourselves and find fault in our behavior because we can course correct,” Dr. Kim says.
“Blaming your parents actions on your behavior is just a coping mechanism, Jules. You are not at fault for their mistakes. You’ve been taught to believe that you need to change yourself for them to love you, when you know nothing you do will be enough for them. ”
I heave a large exhale, nodding. “I know, I understand that. I’m way past wanting their love. I want them to leave me alone. I want to live in peace and when they do something like that, I can’t help feeling like it is my mistake. Especially because I stayed in the apartment.”
“You stayed out of love for the only parent you’d known,” Dr. Kim reminds me.
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I feel overwhelmed with the whole situation. It’s like… When you’re a kid, you think there’s a monster under the bed, but there’s never anything there. Well, I’ve just confirmed the monster is real, it’s found me, and it’s coming to get me.”
“That’s exactly what they want you to think,” Dr. Kim says. “They want you to think that you need to hide because your happiness upsets them. They see you surrounded by people who love and adore you, and they feel envy. They feel they need to be the center of attention, not you.”
Clinical narcissism. Dr. Kim explained it to me during one of our first sessions.
I’d spent my whole life wondering why my parents are the way they are, why my happiness or Gemma’s happiness bothered my mother so much.
It’s because she’s a narcissist and in her mind, she’s always been competing against Gemma and me.
I nod at Dr. Kim. “You’re right. I’m fully moved out of the apartment now, so it’s not like I have much reason to get in touch with them.”
“How do you feel living with Drew? You’ve mentioned in our sessions that you two don’t get along.”
“It’s been surprisingly easy so far,” I say. “Turns out, when we’re not making death threats, we can actually get along.”
“And you haven’t had any other issues being in close proximity? Any anxious feelings, any flashbacks?”
I shake my head. “As strange as it might sound, I think I almost…trust him?”
Dr. Kim smiles for the first time. “You’ve known him for a long time. You’re aware of his behavior and his personality. Trusting him at this stage is a valid response.”
It definitely doesn’t feel odd when I think about it. We spend the rest of the session talking about my living situation and when I hang up with her, I finally open the message Lavinia sent me earlier this morning.
Lavinia: Call me as soon as you read this. I don’t care what time it is here or there.
Lavinia: CALL ME!!!
I don’t even bother checking the time in Italy. If I don’t call her, she’ll hop on the first flight back and then she’ll give me the silent treatment.
I press video call. It rings twice before Lavinia’s face appears on the screen. She looks harried, her curly hair a mess.
“Oof, Blossom, be careful,” Roman groans in the back.
Lavinia sits up, pulling her bra strap onto her shoulder.
“Uh, what were you doing?” I ask. “Should I call back?”
“What the hell are you doing, Juliet Anne Love?” Lavinia demands, her eyes blazing in anger. “Don’t you ever ignore my messages again. We promised we wouldn’t do that.”
I wince, guilt twisting inside me. “I’m sorry. I just had to get out of the apartment and my focus was on packing as quickly as possible. I promise I’ll never ignore your messages again.”
I make an x over my heart and the anger in Lavinia’s eyes melts a little.
“And you cut your hair! You look really hot, but that’s besides the point.”
I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, blushing at her praise. I’m feeling awfully shy about my new hair right now.
“Tell me everything that happened,” Lavinia says.
So I tell her everything from Brent Cassidy in the lobby to Drew offering to let me live with him.
Though, for some reason, I don’t tell her that we shared a room in New York.
That we slept in the same bed for two nights.
Don’t ask me why because I always tell Lavinia everything.
Sooner or later, I’ll tell her about only one bed as well.
“He really asked you to stay with him?” Lavinia asks, sounding dubious.
“He really did. Apparently, he thinks we should be friends.”
“I’ve been saying that for years!” Lavinia says. “At least one of you is finally listening.”
“Don’t get too optimistic because I’m not sure how long it’s going to last,” I warn.
“You better not replace me with my brother.”
I laugh at that. There’s no way I’m going to replace Lavinia with anyone, let alone with Drew. Lavinia makes me promise that I will give her daily updates on our living situation and then we hang up so she can get back to her poor husband.
I lean down and kiss Bailey on the top of her head. “Let’s go bother your dad.”
She looks thrilled at the idea or maybe it’s the mention of her dad.
I get up and open the backyard door, stepping out on the deck.
There’s a radio playing nineties music on low volume.
Bailey runs out into the backyard as I step off the deck and follow the music.
I find Drew high on a ladder along the side of the house.
“What are you doing?” I call up. His shirt is pulled up, revealing taut, pale skin around his waist.
“Cleaning the rain gutters.” He doesn’t even bother looking down.
“And what are you going to do after this?”
“Mow the lawn.”
I sigh. “What am I supposed to do?”
Finally, he looks down at me, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. “I thought you had a deadline?”
“I’ve just been kicked out of my home, I think I deserve a break.” I’m horrendously blocked to the point where even sitting down to write makes me want to roll into a ball on the carpet.
“If you can work for the next two hours, I’ll take you somewhere.”
I perk up. “Where?”
“Not telling. Let the surprise be your inspiration.”
Damn it. He’s good. “Fine. Two hours.”
“Good girl,” he says, almost distractedly.
My lips part on a silent gasp. Drew continues to work above me. He’s either ignoring what he just said or he doesn’t realize what he said. I blush furiously as I turn around and walk back to the house.
“This is where you’re taking me?” I stare up at Parker Caine Arena through the windshield of Drew’s car.
“Come on,” Drew says, getting out of the car.
I make a face, following after him. He nods at the guards as he ushers us inside. The arena is eerily quiet, almost hollow.
“Why are we here?” I groan.
“I’m about to teach you how to play hockey,” Drew says seriously. He drops his bag on the floor.
I look at him, noting the seriousness on his face, and burst out laughing. “Oh my god, that’s good.” I sigh. “Seriously, why are we here?”
Drew looks at me, no smile on his face. “I’m going to teach you hockey.”
“Why do I need to learn hockey?!” I ask incredulously.
“Most of your friends are either hockey players, related to hockey players, or work with hockey players,” he says, as if that’s reason enough.
“I like being the odd person out,” I say, stubbornly crossing my arms. I pout, looking away at the ice.
I haven’t skated since Gemma died. It was our thing.
Every year around Christmas, we went to New York, we skated at Madison Square Garden, then we came back to the hotel and rented Sleepless In Seattle. She loved Nora Ephron.
“You can just say you’re scared to play against me,” Drew says.
I whip my head around to look at him.
“I’m not scared,” I say, probably a little too loudly. My voice echoes in the large, empty space.
Drew shrugs, bending down to pull his skates out of the bag. “Don’t worry, I get it. I wouldn’t want to face a professional either if I were you.”
When he opens the bag, I catch a glimpse of pink in there. He found my old skates and he bought them with us.
“Please, how hard can it be? All you have to do is shoot a round thing into the net.”
I sit down on the bench and pull out the skates. It’s been a while since I’ve put them on but they still fit. Tying them will be a chore, though.
I start pulling at the laces when Drew kneels before me. “Let me.”
He doesn’t grab the laces until I’ve released them and I think I’m almost sad that I don’t get to feel his touch.
Which is ridiculous because this is Drew!
I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want anyone to touch me.