24. Jules
TWENTY-FOUR
JULES
It’s Saturday night and I’ve found another couple of dates for Drew and me. Our last three dates have been a disaster and I’m not even a little surprised because I have a knack for picking the worst men out there.
What does surprise me is why Drew hasn’t found anyone because the women I picked for her are perfect. They’re athletic, statuesque, with skin that gleams. I’m sure Drew had great chemistry with at least two of them, but at the end of the night, he always told me it’s not going to work.
I’m getting dressed for our date tonight while on video call with the girls. Even Lavinia has joined in from Italy.
“He already doesn’t deserve you,” Elena says. She’s in the Pilates studio where she teaches, currently between classes. I can see the mirrors behind her.
I laugh, putting on my gold hoop earrings. I’m wearing a skin tight mauve maxi dress that accentuates my curves in an enticing manner. My heart necklace sits above my breasts, I’m wearing my favorite gold hoop earrings and my vintage Cartier watch that was a gift from Gemma.
“Yeah, you look way too hot,” Lavinia says in agreement. “It’s a good thing Drew is going with you, he’ll minimize your hotness by at least fifty percent.”
“He’s not that bad,” I say with a laugh.
Picking up my perfume, I give myself a little spritz. Maybe I do look too hot. I want to look nice, but also not so appealing that my date gets the wrong idea.
“What has Drew done to you while you’ve been living with him?” Sage asks in wonder. She’s on her laptop, which means I can see the living room behind her. There are large floor to ceiling windows through which I can see the Manhattan skyline. A little girl’s laughter rings in the background.
I bend forward and run my fingers through my hair to fluff it up before straightening again.
“I’m just doing what Lavinia’s always wanted and seeing her brother as a person and not my enemy,” I say. “Also, it feels rude to be mean to him when he’s letting me stay in his house.”
I’ve already hired a real estate agent and she’s also sent a few listings that I might like.
A few of them look absolutely perfect and I’ve made an appointment to go see them.
Lavinia thinks they’ll be perfect as well.
I didn’t tell her that Drew insisted on coming along with me to see all the places.
“Are you looking forward to your date?” Elena asks.
Lavinia laughs softly at the question. She knows the answer even before I speak.
“It’s not a date so much as a social experiment,” I say. “I would love it if it developed into something more, but I have zero expectations that it will.”
“She’s just gathering proof in case anyone asks why she doesn’t date,” Lavinia explains.
“Mama!”
We all pause as Sage disappears from view and comes back a second later holding the cutest little girl in her arms. She’s wearing pink overalls with her dark hair in two ponytails.
“Oh my god, who’s this?” I coo.
“This is Junie,” Sage says. “Junie, these are Mama’s friends. That’s Auntie Vin, Auntie Elena, and Auntie Jules. Say hi, bug.”
Junie peers closely at the screen with wide brown eyes and leans closer.
“Hi!” she chirps brightly.
We all die with cuteness overload.
“We’re going to the park,” she says.
“What do you like about the park?” Lavinia asks, with hearts in her eyes.
“Bunny!”
Sage laughs. “She’s talking about River, not actual bunnies. They love going on walks together.”
“She’s the actual cutest,” Elena gushes.
Junie struggles to get down and Sage releases her. “I should go before they leave without me. Good luck on your date!”
We end the video call and I give myself one last look in the mirror. Junie was on the call for less than two minutes and she left an ache in my chest. I want a cute little baby that I can dress up. It doesn’t have to be a little girl.
Probably like a lot of other women, I go through phases where I tell myself I want kids and at other times, I tell myself I’m happy on my own. The truth is, I do want kids and a husband. I want all the things that patriarchy has fucked up for us.
It doesn’t need to happen tonight, though.
I grab my purse and leave my room, heading downstairs.
Through the kitchen window, I see Drew in the backyard throwing a ball for Bailey to catch.
I open the door and step out onto the patio.
Drew looks over his shoulder and freezes.
Bailey barks, running over to me and I crouch down to pet her, pulling back slightly so she doesn’t lick my face.
Her tail swishes back and forth in the air in excitement.
“You look good,” Drew says, almost a hint of accusation in his voice.
“You say that like I don’t always,” I reply.
I stand up and straighten my dress. Drew is wearing dark pants and light grey shirt, the sleeves rolled up to reveal his forearms. He’s even wearing his glasses tonight, which he hasn’t for the last three dates. I guess we’re both putting in a little more effort tonight.
“Ready to go?” he asks.
I nod in agreement, petting Bailey one last time before we leave the house.
Right from the beginning, I know things aren’t going to work out with Colin and it’s because he lied on his profile.
He said he was looking for something serious. Meanwhile, he’s spent the last thirty minutes leading every topic of conversation back to his ex-girlfriend.
I glance at Drew at the next table and notice he’s deep in conversation with his date, Allison. He’s nodding along to whatever she’s saying.
We realized our mistake with picking this pub as soon as we walked in. Because it’s trendy and meant specifically for date nights, they have high top tables meant only for two people. Luckily, Drew and Allison got the table next to ours.
But that still puts them too far for it to qualify as a double date.
I’m glad one of us is having a good time, at least.
See, Colin’s nice. He dressed well, he smells nice, his hair is styled neatly, and he hasn’t made a single inappropriate comment. By all accounts, he’s a total winner. If it weren’t for Rebecca, his ex.
“Did you want to order something to eat?” Colin asks.
“I saw they had cheesy fries and they looked so good. Do you want to split an order?”
“I can’t have carbs so late at night,” he says. “Becca had me on this low carb diet and I’m still on it.”
“Of course, how about something else? Why don’t you look at the menu?”
Have I mentioned that Rebecca dumped him almost a year ago and already has a new boyfriend? I sigh, watching Colin peruse the menu. At this late, I’ll never find anyone and maybe that’s just the way the universe intends it.
I glance to my right again and notice Allison resting her hand on Drew’s arm as she leans in closer.
My stomach twists as I look away. This is a good thing.
I’m once again going to be proven right in front of Drew when he proposes to Allison.
I promised him that he’ll be married by next summer if he does this experiment with me.
“How about the kale chips?” Colin asks.
“Were they Rebecca’s favorite?” I ask.
Colin frowns. “I’m sorry.”
“Never mind. Kale chips are great,” I say, shaking my head.
Colin places the order for kale chips and I order another Negroni for myself. It’s not like I can’t order and eat an entire plate of cheesy fries by myself, but I’m trying not to be combative or negative.
According to Dr. Kim, I always assume the worst in people and it’s led to me being unable to date. I’m already associating my trauma with them, deciding how they will react, what they will say, before I even meet them or talk to them. I need to open myself up to the possibilities.
“You said you have a podcast with your best friend?” Colin asks.
“Yes, Unscripted. Have you heard of it?”
“I have, actually.” Colin makes a face. “The two of you talk about nothing. I mean, it’s an interesting concept, but I don’t understand the basis of the show.”
“We touch on a lot of social issues, issues which affect women specifically like diet culture, beauty ideals, women in sports,” I explain.
Colin shrugs. “I get that, but it seems like anyone can talk about anything and label it a podcast.”
I sigh deeply. How will he react if he finds out I also write smut for a living?
I guess if Rebecca did a podcast, he’d be all for it.
His disinterest sets the tone for the evening and by the time the kale chips are finished, I’m on my third drink and I’ve tuned out of the conversation.
I rest on my chin on my raised hand as I stare out the window, only half listening to Colin talk about Rebecca and the meal-prep plan. No thanks, Colin. I already live with someone who meal-preps.
It’s started to drizzle lightly outside and the rain makes everything look hazy and romantic. I’ve always been a big fan of the rain and I wish I was at home right now, curled up on a chair with a cup of tea and a book in my hands, Bailey resting beside me.
I only come out when I hear the scrap of a chair and I turn to see Drew sitting down across from me. I look around in surprise. Both Allison and Colin are gone.
“Wait, where are Allison and Colin?” I ask.
“Both of them left, sometime after you checked out,” he says, with faint amusement.
“I’m sorry I ruined your date,” I say.
“You didn’t ruin my date.” Drew shakes his head, waving down a server. He orders bread and butter--a selection of sourdough with whipped butter--and roasted mushrooms. It’s actually the perfect thing to soak up the alcohol swirling in my stomach.
I usually don’t drink this much. I've been very conscious of alcohol intake since my last year of college. I never want to blackout and feel helpless again. My heart rate threatens to increase as I almost lose myself to those terrible memories.
I realize that I only ordered the third Negroni because Drew isn’t drinking. It should worry me how much trust I put in him.
I push my half empty glass away.
“You’re seeing Allison again?” I ask.
“No.”
I’m confused. “You looked like you were having a great time.”
Drew shrugs. “I don’t know what to tell you.”