36. Jules
THIRTY-SIX
JULES
Drew finds me wrapped in a blanket on the patio lounger in the middle of the night. Lavinia is asleep in my bed and I couldn’t sleep, so I came down here. Going into Drew’s room with her here felt dangerous.
We haven’t done anything other than kiss since our make-out session two weeks ago, but I know that conversation is coming soon. It’s not like I don’t want to. There are just a lot of things stopping me, and I got a reminder of that tonight with my parents phone call.
They sounded so normal on the phone when they told me they were coming to Boston and they’d already made a reservation at Belmonte’s for four people.
Part of me hopes Drew has a game that night so I don’t have to take him.
The other part knows if I don’t take him, it will just lead to them extending their trip until they can meet him.
Unlike other parents, mine aren’t protective. They don’t care how Drew treats me. My mother just wants to meet him so she can prove that she would be the better choice.
I turn around when the patio door opens and Drew steps out wearing lounge pants and a hoodie.
“You’re going to catch a cold,” he admonishes softly.
“Maybe I'll get pneumonia and I won’t have to go to dinner,” I say.
I shift forward on the lounger, making room for him. He settles in behind me and arranges the blanket so we’re both covered as I rest my back against his chest.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” The words are pressed into my skin with a kiss on my neck.
“Contrary to what I’ve been saying my whole life, there is a Callahan I want in my bed and turns out, it’s not your sister,” I say.
Drew laughs quietly. “I always knew you wanted me.”
I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.
It should scare me, and it does a little, how easily he comforts me.
He doesn’t even need to say anything because his presence does all the talking.
With him behind me, I’m not worried about the dinner or Lavinia coming down and finding us like this.
Isn’t that terrifying? I’ve spent so long protecting myself.
I held myself together because I was afraid if I broke, no one would be able to put me back together, not even Lavinia.
Yet, I’m placing all my trust in Drew. Not only to put me back together but knowing exactly how the pieces align so I’m not broken.
Where is the Juliet who thought if a man was being nice, he surely had ulterior motives? Where is the woman who thought a man is more likely to break you than he is to put you back together? I find the answer within myself.
She’s still there and she believes men suck ass. She’s just made an exception for Drew.
“What are you thinking?” Drew whispers in my ear.
I open my eyes and look at him. “Just wondering why I trust you so much.”
“Surely it’s my charming personality,” he says.
I bark a laugh and cover my mouth to keep myself quiet. Drew smiles, pressing a kiss against my neck again. He’s solid, and warm, and he doesn’t take liberties. Of course, I trust him, even if a part of me worries.
“Do you want to tell me about them?” he asks quietly.
I sober, all humor leaving my body. I stare out across the yard, listening to the crickets chirping.
The dark, velvety blanket of night filled with stars and secrets.
This moment feels like I’ve written it in one of my books.
Something that can’t be real because it’s almost too perfect.
I want to hold onto this forever, locked in a box, so I can take it out and hold it when I feel alone.
I take a deep breath.
“The easiest way to describe my mother is that she’s a narcissist. She’s two years older than Gemma, never liked her, always has to have everyone’s attention. Dr. Kim, my therapist, thinks there might be other disorders as well, but she can’t know for sure unless she meets my mother.”
Drew doesn’t say anything. His only response is his hand tightening around mine, thumb rubbing soothing circles along my wrists.
“My father is her enabler. Whatever she wants, she gets. It’s almost like he enjoys the mess she creates of their lives.
She’s cheated on him multiple times throughout their marriage and he’s always forgiven her.
And I know it’s cheating because he always seems so heartbroken and I don’t understand why he keeps forgiving.
Their love feels like a sickness without a cure. ”
Drew squeezes me tightly.
“I went to live with Gemma when I was eleven because my mother told me I should be prepared for men to want me because it’s just the way I was developed.
If I can keep a man satisfied I’ll be a very happy woman because sex is all a man will really want me for.
I told Gemma and she immediately took me with her.
My mother let me go because in her eyes, I was just competition.
Most kids learn to feel inferior from other kids.
I learned to feel inferior from my mother. ”
There are so many incidents I can tell him about, but I keep my mouth shut. I don’t want to trauma dump on him and make him feel like he needs to fix me.
“She’s wrong,” Drew says, a little growly. I tilt my head back to meet his eyes. Reaching up, I smooth out the v between his eyebrows.
“She’s wrong, Juliet,” he says again. “For the right man, sex with you will be just a bonus. There are days when I want to talk to you more than I want to touch you. When I want to see you smile and hear you laugh. When I want to watch you get into fights at the dog park.”
I laugh lightly, swallowing the lump in my throat. Drew smiles softly, resting his forehead against mine.
“I’m pretty sure sex with you will change my chemistry only because your personality has already done the job halfway. I don’t want a piece of you or your body. I want all of you.”
I close my eyes, breathing in his scent mixed with the sweet scent of fall. No one has ever told me they want all of me before. More than a few people have told me I need to tone down my personality because I could be too much sometimes.
Opening my eyes, I see Drew watching me. “You don’t think I’m too much?”
He scoffs lightly. “Rude of you to assume I’d want anything less.”
Smiling, I lean in to kiss him lightly. “I think you’re obsessed with me, Drew Callahan.”
“I was trying to be subtle about it,” he replies.
I laugh lightly. “You’re as subtle as a MACK truck.”
We sit in silence for a while before Drew speaks up again. I’m almost asleep and it’s shocking how easy it is for me to do that with him.
“Why do you have to meet them? If they’re so horrible.”
I know this part won’t make sense to him. It’s something Dr. Kim and I have been working on in therapy and I’m not 100% there. Not brave enough to tell them no and deal with the consequences. Although they’ve already kicked me out of the apartment so how can they do anything worse?
“Same reason I left the apartment without an argument,” I say, opening my eyes.
“If I comply, they won’t make my life hell.
In college, I turned down one dinner invite because I was studying for finals.
Two weeks later I walked into my dorm room and saw my mother naked on my bed with the guy I was dating. ”
The memories rise up like bile. Both of that moment, and what had happened two nights before.
I shiver, my breath hitching slightly and Drew pulls me in closer, tucking the throw around me tightly.
In a sick, twisted way, seeing my mother with that asshole gave me the courage I’d been searching for to dump him.
“What the fuck?” Drew growls.
I nod. “She wanted my attention and she got it. Not the first time she’s done something sick to get my attention, by the way.
It’s always in a way that, to her, makes her better than me.
The guy I’m seeing cheats on me with her?
Surely I didn’t satisfy him properly because a satisfied man never cheats. ”
“I’m coming to dinner,” he declares.
Sighing, I turn to him. I was worried he’d say that. “You might have a game.”
His eyes burn into mine, fierce and protective. “Then tell them to reschedule. They want to meet me, right? They’ll do it on my schedule.”
I chew on my lip. There’s another reason I don’t want him to meet them.
“You’re exactly her type,” I say. “She’ll definitely hit on you throughout dinner. She might even try to cross boundaries.”
Drew grips my chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting my head back, his eyes full of conviction. “If there’s a woman I want, it’s the one in my arms right now. No one else will do because no one else even fucking compares.”
His mouth descends on mine in a kiss, sweet and tortuous, his tongue sweeping out to taste me. I feel it all the way to my toes.
“You might want to wear your hockey gear, just to be on the safe side,” I say breathlessly, pulling back slightly.
“Don’t worry, beasty. I’ll take care of it.”
It’s been three days since I spoke to my parents, four since they first called me. We’re not supposed to meet them until next month and each day feels like I’m walking towards a guillotine.
My parents are more than willing to reschedule the dinner to fit Drew’s schedule.
My mother simpered on the phone over Drew, even though he wasn’t there to hear her.
She went on and on about how she’d looked him up online and he was so handsome.
Am I absolutely sure I give him everything he needs?
A man like that surely has so many needs.
I was fisting my hands so hard I left half moons on my palms from my nails. For a second, I let her voice fill me with doubts. Until I imagined Drew walking into the house after practice, or at a game, or smiling at me. The sound of his voice when he told me I’m what he wants, all of me.
I’m not going to let my mother overshadow those words. I have enough insecurities--most of them thanks to her--to allow her to add more to the mix. I wish I could say fuck it, and just not go to dinner. I quickly reject that idea because she’ll definitely think of some way to hurt me.