43. Jules #2
“Surely, my boyfriend isn’t a predator. Looking back, it’s ridiculous how hard I tried to convince myself instead of just leaving. He was literally the first person who didn’t look at me with pity because he’d never met Gemma, so he had no context.”
I look at Drew and find him watching me with his steady gaze.
I want to ask him what he’s thinking, if he thinks I’m complacent in what happened to me.
I've blamed myself for it plenty over the years.
No matter how hard we try, the ideas our patriarchal society feeds to us do burrow into our psyche.
Even if you’re the most confident woman in the world, you’ll find yourself looking in the mirror and dissecting every inch of yourself. You’ll never feel like you’re enough because the world doesn’t want you to believe you’re enough. It’s the greatest trick that patriarchy ever pulled.
Drew waits patiently for me to gather my thoughts.
“The party was loud and I was getting a headache. I wanted to leave but he convinced me to stay because I was drunk and I couldn’t walk back to my dorm room by myself. So I fell asleep in his room, like I’d done countless times before.”
I pause and lick my lips, my heart beat increasing as I recall that night even as I try to keep the memories away and tell this story like it’s fictional.
“Looking back, I’m still not sure what woke me up.
Whether it was instinct or something else.
I heard this loud scream in my head that jerked me awake.
At first, it was so dark, I wasn’t sure where I was.
I tried to move and found myself stuck. In my panic, it took me a few minutes to realize that I couldn’t move because he was there, holding me down, one hand covering my mouth, the other holding my hands above my head. I couldn’t move.”
I exhale a shaky breath and Drew pulls me in, impossibly closer. His steady, solid presence reminds me that I’m here and not trapped in that nightmare.
“After, I ran out of the house and back to my dorm. Lavinia was there and I told her everything. It probably wasn’t the first time he’d done that,” I say with a sniffle.
“Lavinia and I went to the dean and the coach, and as I’d suspected, they fed me a bunch of bullshit about his career getting destroyed.
They kept asking me if I was sure I didn’t consent, how much I’d had to drink.
If I was absolutely sure it had happened.
They even reviewed my class records and decided that because I was struggling, I couldn’t be taken seriously. ”
A tear rolls down my cheek and Drew quickly wipes it away. It’s like he knows I shouldn’t shed tears over that man. I meet his eyes and he watches me steadily, never once looking away.
“A woman always knows when she’s been violated,” I say. “Subconciously, we spend our whole lives preparing for it and thinking how we’d react if it ever happens to us. We’ve been taught that our bodies are a commodity and we know when someone touches us with ill intentions.”
I laugh drily, humorlessly, shaking my head.
“It gets worse. A couple of days later, I walked into my dorm room and found my mother and Travis, naked in my bed. She’d been trying to get in touch with me to have dinner with her and dad and I’d ignored because I couldn’t deal with them and I had finals coming up.
Like the absolute fool I am, I told her the truth and she told me I was making up lies because he wanted to be with a woman and not a girl who didn’t know what she was doing and if I continued, I would destroy his career. ”
I rest my head on his shoulder, suddenly so exhausted. Drew presses his lips against my forehead and I breathe in his scent to ground myself.
“You are the bravest person I know and I’m in absolute awe of you,” he says, his voice steady and confident.
I open my eyes to look at him. “It kills me to think he’s probably done the same thing to other women while he gets to walk around freely and have praises lauded on him.”
“That’s not your fucking fault, Juliet,” he says, a little harshly. “Don’t make yourself the monster of this story because that way he wins. You survived an impossible situation and you’ve got the scars to prove it. You don’t need me to tell you that you’re strong because you already know you are.”
I swallow thickly, nodding as tears blur my eyes, because of Drew for once. I tuck my face into his neck, trying to stop the flow of hot tears. Drew hugs me against his body tightly, the steady beat of his heart calming me down.
This is the heart beat I listen to every night as I fall asleep.
The heart which keeps me safe. Never once has he done anything to make me feel unsafe, not even when we didn’t like each other.
He said a lot of things in the heat of the moment, but never anything that truly hurt me.
Even now, he’s so careful with me, never crossing a line I set.
“I want you to know, I’ll always believe you,” he says, resting his head on the back of the chair. “You can tell me you had to kill someone and I’ll help you bury the body, no questions asked. There’s never going to be any ands, ifs, or buts. I’ll believe you every single time.”
The conviction in his eyes pierces through me.
I’ve been perceived and not found wanting.
I never thought I’d need or want a man, not after everything that happened.
At some point over this past summer, I’d even come to terms with the fact that I’ll die alone.
Until Drew looked at me and I looked at him and realized here’s a person who already knows everything and hasn’t left.
“Am I crazy or are you a really good boyfriend?” I wonder.
His mouth curves up slightly. “You’re crazy, obviously.”
I hum. “As I suspected.”
I lean in to kiss him and I mean for it to be a short kiss.
A soft kiss. Just a meeting of our lips.
I don’t expect the sudden surge of hunger inside me.
My mouth parts over his as I accept his tongue into my mouth.
It doesn’t matter what conversation we just had, my body reacts to Drew like it always does.
I shift on his lap to straddle him.
“Jules,” Drew murmurs, hesitantly.
I pull back right away, looking at him in question. “I’m sorry, do you want me to stop?”
What was I thinking kissing him like that after everything I just told him?
I can’t expect everything to return to normal just because I’ve been living with this for years.
Drew probably needs time to come to terms with it.
Maybe he doesn’t want to come to terms with it.
Maybe this is something he can’t get past even if he believes me.
He grazes my cheek with his knuckles. “I never want to stop, baby. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Oh,” I breathe. Of course. This is Drew--he’s obsessed with me. “I’m fine. I trust you.”
He exhales sharply, looking pained and frustrated. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t.”
“Why not?” I tilt my head in question.
“Because I want you with a desperation that puts my teeth on edge,” he confesses.
“You’ll never have anything to fear from me, Jules.
I promise I’ll never do anything you don’t want to do, but I’m afraid the way I need you might be too much for you to handle.
My need for you grows every day and you might never be able to get rid of me. ”
Pleasure sparks through my veins, setting my nerve endings on fire. Was I really going to go through life without a man who absolutely worshipped me? Was I really going to settle? Because having Drew desperate for me is aligning all my chakras in a way nothing else has before.
“Maybe I don’t want to get rid of you,” I say in a low voice. I spread my legs further until my pussy is pressed against his hard cock and roll my hips forward. “Maybe I like you as desperate for me as I am for you.”
Drew groans low, gripping my hips tightly. He peers up at me through hooded eyes. “How are you this perfect?”
I bite off a smile. “I’m not. I’m just good at pretending.”
Drew thrusts his hand into my hair, tilting my head back as he places open mouthed kisses along my neck and throat.
“Every part of you is mesmerizing and I’m blinded by your radiant beauty.”
“Drew,” I mumble, tilting my head to give him more access. His hand wraps around my breast, the thin cotton of my nightgown providing no barrier.
“If you want me to fuck your tight little cunt, you’ll have to ask me for it.” He plucks at my hardened nipple and I buck my hips forward, needing more pressure on my clit.
“I want you to fuck my tight little cunt and I want you to come inside me,” I say.
“Jesus,” Drew curses, his hands tightening on my body. His hard cock pulses between my thighs. “You’re going to make me mad. Push your panties aside, baby, and sink down onto my cock.”