Chapter Eighteen
Nate
I don’t know what happened. One minute it seemed like everything was fine, and the next…
The next AJ had turned into someone else. Gone was the playful, flirtatious, hot firefighter with a heart of gold that I’d come to know in the short span of time since I’ve been here, and in its place was someone I didn’t recognize, but that felt strangely familiar in a twisted way.
The mischievous, sexy amber gaze had turned into something sharper. AJ looked like he’d seen a ghost, and his entire body reacted as if he’d stepped on a landmine.
Because I hit a nerve. A deep one.
I realize two things as I sit on the bench outside the firehouse. I’ve been here every day this week, before and after work. I should be working on the house, but it doesn’t feel right to go over there right now, without AJ.
I glance at the truck, remembering the last time I came here and actually saw him. Remembering the way he’d kissed me. The way he touched me.
The way his entire body relaxed beneath me.
I get that AJ is a complex man. I can see that plain as day.
I don’t know much about love. I’ve never been in love with anyone, but I’ve had a couple relationships.
I know that when people usually put up walls, like AJ did, there’s a reason.
I just have to find out what that reason is because I don’t think it’s just about his sexual preferences.
I should just tell him that. That I feel like an asshole.
Because I am. I pushed him, and I didn’t mean to upset him, I just…
I feel like he wants this, but for some reason, he won’t give in and let it happen. He’s fighting it.
And instead of giving him assurance, I gave him an argument.
I poured gasoline on the fire, and that’s where I fucked up.
Which is why I can’t leave things like this.
I need to apologize. I need him to know that I’m not going anywhere.
Because I have a feeling that AJ needs more than just an ass to smack or a dick to suck once in a while.
I think, and I might be completely off base, that Mister Hot Stuff needs someone to give a shit about him.
He needs someone who isn’t going to balk at the first temper tantrum he throws.
Someone who isn’t afraid to tame the unbridled fire raging inside of him.
I want to be that person. If he’ll let me. I want to know him better. I want to help him the way he helps me.
But for now, I just want to make things right. I scroll through my phone, through the myriad of links I’ve saved, while I wait. One of the firefighters—who I recognize as the guy from the bar—takes a seat next to me on the bench.
“He’s not here,” he says in a gruff voice.
“Huh?”
“AJ. He’s not here today.”
“Oh,” I say, closing out the tab on my phone because I don’t need anyone seeing the list of hard and soft limits I’ve been studying for two days. It’s huge. I had to take a break because there’s just so much to get through and I had to look a few things up because I had no clue what they were.
I didn’t realize how many things could be considered a kink. My mind is seriously boggled, but I tell myself if I want to understand AJ better, this is probably a good place to start.
“He was supposed to be here, covering for Slammy, but—”
“Slammy?”
The guy shrugs. “His little protege.”
“Oh.” My mind keeps going over the last time I saw this guy—and AJ—in the bar. They looked pretty comfortable together.
“Are you AJ’s boyfriend?” I ask.
The guy laughs a deep laugh that almost pisses me off until he shakes his head.
“Not even close.”
“Good,” I breathe, realizing at the last second I’d said that out loud.
My cheeks flush as I glance up at the guy. He’s big.
The silence between us thickens, and for a moment I think he’s not going to say anything. Maybe just leave.
“He always gets finicky around this time. Especially today.”
The guy leans forward, leaning his elbows on his knees.
“What do you mean?”
He twists his lips, looking back and forth.
“Can I trust you to keep a secret?” he asks, his gaze finding mine.
Something tells me I can trust this guy even though I don’t know him.
But AJ does. And if AJ trusts him, I probably can too.
I nod.
“He ever tell you how he came to be a firefighter?” he asks carefully.
“No.” I never asked, either, but the way this guy asks, feels like it’s really important. Like I should pay attention. So I do.
“He wasn’t that much younger than you when the fire happened. His mom was at work. He was home with his dad when the place went up in flames.”
“Shit,” I say in shock. “His dad… did he…”
The guy shakes his head. “Nope.”
My heart breaks.
“Twenty-one years ago today.”
I blink. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because in all the years I’ve known AJ, I’ve never seen him as happy as I’ve seen him on the days he sees you.”
Tears prickle the edge of my eyes.
“Yeah, well, I don’t know how happy he is with me right now,” I say. “Kinda pissed him off.”
The guy shrugs. “People tend to do that to AJ. Have you tried calling him?”
I shake my head. “No. I was hoping to catch him here, so he wouldn’t be able to avoid me.”
The guy laughs. “Well, in that case, you should check his place. He’s probably holed up there, feeling sorry for himself because he thinks he pissed you off.”
I let out a sigh. “I don’t know where he lives. I mean, I was there, but I was drunk, so…”
“What’s your number?” I blink, but he motions. “I’ll text it to you.”
“Isn’t that like… illegal or something?”
“Only if you tell the police.”
I blink. The guy speaks.
“He won’t be mad. Least not at you.”
“Are you—”
The guy gets up, looks down at me.
“If you do your job right, he won’t be mad at me, either.” He smirks.
“In fact, he’ll be thanking me.”
He gives me his back.
“Wait, I—”
But the guy doesn’t listen. He turns the bend, leaving me with a spark of hope in my chest.
This could be a terrible decision. AJ could put up his walls again, and I could make things worse, but something tells me this guy—his friend—wouldn’t tell me this if he didn’t trust me. And he wouldn’t tell me this if he thought I was going to hurt AJ.
So I suck in a deep breath, look at the text that comes through with AJ’s address, and tell myself that it’s going to be okay.
I just pray that for once in my life, luck is on my side.