Chapter 6 April
APRIL
Later that night, I lie in bed thinking about the complicated man in a MC club who’s become an instant father. He has every reason to be wary of me, but he’s been nothing but thoughtful by sending me to the Wild Riders HQ.
Travis, who runs the bar, met me, and his wife Kendra took me under her wing, showing me to a room upstairs and making sure I got something to eat from the restaurant. Travis wouldn’t take any money for the food or the room, and I guess I’ve got Grant to thank for that.
Kendra told me the club members are all army veterans who like to ride. They do charity runs and help out on community projects.
The members I met were welcoming and the women friendly. Maggie works in the kitchen, and she insisted I try a new dessert she’s experimenting with.
I helped clear tables in the restaurant and fold napkins, trying to do something helpful to pay my way. It felt good to be there, like it’s a big family.
One that I’m not a part of.
Loneliness settles into my bones as I stare at the patterns on the ceiling in the strange room.
We lost our parents when we were young, and I don’t think I ever got over the trauma. I learned to acknowledge that with the help of my therapist.
Trauma manifests itself in different ways. For Karen, it was being carefree with her body. For me, well, it got me into the situation I’m in: deemed unfit to be guardian of my own niece.
A hollowness gnaws at my chest, and my fingers itch to relieve it some way. I close my eyes and suck in deep breaths as I count, the way I learned to do at the clinic.
In a few minutes, I’m calm again and in control.
My thoughts drift to the bearded man with the kind eyes and mischievous smile. As sleep claims me, I think about his arm around me, his searching eyes, and his scent which permeates my dreams.
The next morning, I’m waiting outside when Grant pulls up in his Kia. He called earlier, inviting me to spend the day with him and Bailey. I’m beyond relieved that he’s giving me a chance, and I’m determined not to fuck it up.
Bailey’s sleeping in the car seat and I get into the passenger side and close the door quietly, trying not to wake her.
“Don’t worry,” he assures me. “Once she’s out, she’s out. She won’t wake now until she’s ready.”
I turn in my seat to look at my niece. Her little head rests on the back of the car seat and her mouth parts, letting out gentle snores.
“She’s adorable.”
Grant grunts, and a smile tugs on his lips.
“She is.”
We drive further up the mountain, and he pulls onto a gravel road that leads to a parking lot and the start of hiking trails.
“I hope you bought your walking shoes.”
He turns off the engine and checks Bailey in the rearview mirror. She’s still sleeping.
“Do we wake her?”
“Noooo.” He shakes his head emphatically. “Never wake a sleeping baby. She’ll wake on her own soon. Then we’ll have a couple of hours to walk and picnic before I need to get her home for her afternoon nap.”
I’m impressed by his schedule; he really knows what he’s doing.
“So what do we do?”
He adjusts his seat so it leans back. “We wait.” He turns to me, and I get the full effect of his intense gaze. “And while we wait for her to wake up, you can tell me exactly why you’re here and why the sudden interest in your niece.”
I try not to let it show how much his words dismay me. I was hoping we’d get the day together first before I had to tell him the truth.
I choose my words carefully. “I thought if we talked face to face, we might be able to work something out.”
He nods. “That makes sense. I haven’t been easy to get a hold of.”
I’m surprised he’s admitting that, and it shows he’s prepared to be reasonable. “Why didn’t you answer my calls?”
His brow furrows. “Because I thought you were trying to take my daughter away from me.”
I look away because I kind of was, but now that I’ve seen them together, I know how impossible that is. The best I can hope for now is to have my niece in my life somehow, but it’s clear to me her father won’t be giving her up.
I search my heart and find that I’m okay with that.
“The truth is, I didn’t know what kind of a man you were,” I say honestly. “My sister…”
I pause, not wanting to speak ill of the dead. I love my sister and I’m not judging her choices, but… “My sister had a wild side.”
Grant nods. “I know.”
A flash of jealousy rages through my veins. My sister was in Grant’s arms. He pinned her down, not me. He kissed her and… I squeeze my eyes shut tight, not wanting to think about what they must have done together.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, I just…I can’t imagine you with Karen.”
He stares out at the forest, and something like regret slides over his face.
“I was in a dark place when I met your sister. I was in the military for twelve years.”
I’m not surprised by his admission. He gives off the aura of a military man, strong and capable and organized.
“Sometimes when I came back, all I wanted was to forget where I’d been. Karen helped me forget.”
“Did you love her?” I hope he doesn’t hear the tightness in my voice.
He shakes his head. “Love didn’t come into it.” He runs a hand over his hair. “That was over two years ago. I’ve changed since then.”
He gives me a look that’s tinged with regret, and I remember the connection we had yesterday, what this might have been if the circumstances were different.
“I’m sorry about your sister,” he says gently.
“Thanks.” I sigh, and sadness washes over me like it does when I think about Karen. We weren’t close the last few years, and I regret that more than anything.
“So, you wanted to make sure I wasn’t some sketchy low life who’d hooked up with your sister?”
Grant smiles, and I’m relieved that his good humor is back.
“Yeah, that’s about right.”
“And am I?”
He’s far from what I expected. He’s got a business and a MC club that’s like extended family, a cabin in the woods, and beautiful mountain trails on his doorstep. Bailey will have a good life here, and the realization hurts my heart. She’s better off here than with me.
“So why now? Where were you when Karen had the accident and Bailey needed family?”
It’s the question I’ve been dreading, and I’m still not sure how to answer it. I run my sweaty palm along my shorts and take a deep breath.
“I was sick.” It’s kind of the truth. “I was in a clinic, and I wasn’t deemed well enough to be Bailey’s guardian.”
He peers at me for a long time.
“Mental health issues can do that,” he says quietly. “I’ve seen it with some of the men who I served with.”
It’s not a big leap for him to go there, and I’m about to correct him. It wasn’t a mental health issue, not in the traditional sense, although my therapist made me see that my childhood trauma had something to do with it.
Grant rests a hand on my leg. It’s supposed to be comforting, but the heat causes my whole body to come alive.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, April.”
I stare at him and I should correct his assumption, but the look of empathy in his eyes and the hand on my leg has my mouth staying firmly shut.
He thinks I was in a mental health clinic, and he’s okay with that. There’s a chance we can make this work, that I could get visiting rights with Bailey.
But it’s not the truth.
I need to be completely honest with Grant if I want him to trust me with his daughter, let alone try to establish the connection we had yesterday.
I open my mouth to speak, to tell him the rest of my terrible truth, when there’s a wail from the back seat.
Bailey’s awake, and she’s not happy about it.
“Hello princess,” Grant coos. “Do you need a diaper change before our hike?”
He gets out of the car and retrieves her from the backseat, seeing to her needs like a pro.
The moment is gone, and any truth I was going to confess to Grant is lost. He thinks I was in a clinic dealing with my mental health, and that’s how we’ll have to leave it.