Chapter 13 Grace
GRACE
Tears sting the corners of my eyes, but I don’t swipe at them until I’m inside the lobby of the Lodge and away from Calvin’s gaze.
As soon as the doors glide shut behind me, I lean against the cool marble wall and take a deep breath, letting the anger and sadness wash over me.
Calvin’s right. I am reckless. I’m an adrenaline junkie.
I live for the rush you get when you’re doing something dangerous that makes your body go into heightened survival mode.
When all my senses are alive and I know I'm truly fucking alive.
It's the same way I’ve felt for the last twenty-four hours hanging out with Calvin.
And I’ve fucked it up because I couldn’t stop myself from taking the helmet off just because I wanted to feel the wind catch in my hair and sting my face.
The consequences didn't even cross my mind. He’s right.
I’m a liability. But I don’t know any other way to live.
“You finally decided to come back?”
I open my eyes to the familiar voice and see Hope coming out of the café with a large takeout cup in her hand. My eyes narrow. She’s carrying my niece or nephew, and that coffee looks far too big.
“You’re not supposed to drink caffeine.” Why the hell am I so good at protecting her and not myself?
“It’s decaf,” she says with a grimace. Her brow furrows as she gets closer. “Are you crying?”
I shake my head and swipe my hand across my eyes.
“It’s the wind.”
I hate Hope seeing me upset. She had to deal with enough grief as a child, and I’ve always tried to shield her from any worries of my own. But this time she’s not buying it.
“Is it Tim?” She puts a sympathetic arm on my shoulder. “Even though I’m kind of glad you didn’t go through with it, it must be hard…”
I shake my head. “It’s not Tim.” A sob wracks my chest. “It’s Calvin.”
My sister peers at me for a long moment. “Who?”
As we walk back to the cabin where she’s been staying with Dad while they visit, I fill her in on the last twenty-four hours.
Why I left and how I hitched to Wild. She tuts at me when I tell her I hitched but doesn’t interrupt.
I tell her about meeting Calvin, how infuriating he was, then how I spent the day and night with him, and how he’s really the kindest, sexiest man I’ve ever met, and that this time I think I really am in love but it will never work, because he’s got too big a stick up his own ass and I’m too reckless for him.
By the time we’re finished it’s getting dark outside, and we’re back at the cabin eating ice cream straight from the tub. Hope has mixed strips of dried seaweed in with hers, but I don’t question the cravings of a pregnant woman.
“You’re not even going to try to see if it’ll work?”
She takes a strip of seaweed from the packet of nori and shreds it into small pieces, letting them fall into the chocolate cookie ice cream.
“No.” I dig my spoon into the corner, avoiding the seaweed. “He’s too sensible. We’re too different. We’d drive each other crazy.”
“Or you’d complement each other perfectly.”
I scoop up a large spoonful of ice cream and pick a piece of seaweed out of it.
“It’s not about complementing. I like my life; I like doing fun things. I don’t want to change. We could all die tomorrow. Life is for living, right?”
She digs her spoon into the tub and swirls it around, gathering the biggest spoonful she can muster and stuffing it into her mouth, seaweed and all.
“How can you eat that?”
“I’m not questioning what my body needs right now.” She pulls the spoon slowly out of her mouth, obviously enjoying it.
“You can still have fun, but maybe it’s time to stop being so reckless. Sorry sis, but I agree with Calvin. You can have fun, but you got to keep the helmet on. You gotta pull the chute when you gotta pull the chute.”
I roll my eyes. “So now you’re ganging up on me too? What is this, an intervention?”
She puts the tub and the spoon down on the coffee table and turns to face me on the couch.
“I know Mom’s death wasn’t easy on you, Grace.
I know this is your way of dealing with it.
But it’s not just about you anymore. You’re going to be an aunty; I’m going to be a single mom.
I can’t do this on my own. I would never want you to stop jumping out of planes, but knowing you might pull the chute too late terrifies me.
” She rubs her belly. “Yes, we could all die tomorrow, but I hope you don’t.
I want you around to be an aunty for this one. ”
I peer into my sister's eyes. There’s no trace of the little girl anymore. She’s a grown woman now, about to be a mother herself. And that’s when it hits me.
She’s right. This isn’t just about me. I want to be around to be an aunty. I want to be around to be a mother. I want to be around to feel what it’s like to wake up in Calvin’s arms, to dance in his kitchen, to see his eyes light up when I make him laugh. I want to live. I want to fucking live.
I stand up quickly from the couch, knocking the table and sending my spoon careening to the ground.
“I gotta go.”
“Now?” Hope glances to the window. “It’s dark out, and Dad wants to talk to you. He just messaged. He’s on his way back from Axel’s.”
But I’m not ready to see Dad yet. Right now, I need to see Calvin. I need to tell him I’m willing to wear the damn helmet. I’ll pull the damn chute if that what he needs me to do. He’s got the responsibilities of the job; he shouldn’t have to worry about me.
“I’ll talk to Dad later. Right now, I need to go.”
I grab my car keys and pull open the window. I don’t want to meet Dad coming up the path. I need to get to Calvin now, before he changes his mind about me. “Tell Dad I love him, and I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
Hope shakes her head at me as I climb out the window and drop to the ground.