Chapter 9 #2
‘Oh, well, that’s all right, then, as long as your reputation’s safe!’ My voice is heavy with sarcasm.
Another horrible thought strikes me. ‘You only asked to me to stay on longer because you knew there’d be more photo opportunities, didn’t you?’
He shakes his head. ‘No. I wanted you to stay because I liked having you around. I didn’t call the press at all this last week.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Well, it’s true. You have to trust me.’
‘Well, I don’t. I don’t trust anything you say now I know how you used me.’
He points at my chest. ‘Well, you used me too. To you, I was just a warm body to fuck, wasn’t I? Just practice for the real thing. For someone with more intelligence. You weren’t here for me as a person. You were here for what you could get from me.’
‘I didn’t mean to make you feel like that,’ I argue, but the heat of my shame rushes to my face and shows me up for the selfish bitch I really am.
Of course that’s exactly what I did at first. I treated him like a sex object, not someone with feelings and his own insecurities.
I na?vely thought he couldn’t have any because of his beauty and popularity.
‘Well, anyway, it’s over now. You don’t need me any more. You can go back to that lecturer and blow his mind with your expertise in bed.’
His eyes are totally devoid of emotion now, which sends a shiver of horror down my spine. Was this really the way things were going to end between us, after everything we’ve shared? Could he really turn his back on me and walk away so easily? Resentment and frustration flood through me.
‘How can you treat me like this after everything we’ve shared?
Everything I trusted you with? All those humiliating stories…
’ I whisper, my voice a rough croak. ‘I can’t believe you think it’s okay to have used me like that.
And after what that teacher did to you, the way she made you feel about yourself, how she abused your trust and smashed your pride to pieces…
I thought you’d never do that to someone else.
And I gave you my virginity because I genuinely thought you cared about me. ’
This seems to get through to him because I see his shoulders tense and a glimpse of something like shame on his face. ‘You asked me to take your virginity, remember? You begged me.’
‘Yes, when I thought it actually meant something to you. Because it meant something to me. You meant something to me.’
‘But I don’t any more?’ I can’t read his expression now. He’s withdrawn too far into himself.
I swallow painfully, my throat tight with sadness. ‘You’re not the man I thought you were.’
‘Juno…’
I stiffen as he moves towards me, his arms raised as if he wants to pull me into a hug against his body. But I can’t let him. I can’t give in to my physical response to him. That’s what got me here in the first place. It was a mistake then and it would be a mistake now.
‘Don’t touch me,’ I snap. ‘Don’t even come near me.’
He drops his arms and folds them across his chest instead, staring down at the floor between us.
‘Look, I know you’ve never wanted a real relationship with me. I’m not stupid. You told me that from the off.’ I take a deep, shuddering breath. ‘So I guess this is the perfect time to end this charade.’
‘So you can go back to Adam?’ He sounds disgusted, as if I’m making a huge mistake by ignoring his disdain for the guy, but I don’t care about his opinion any more. Why should I? He didn’t care about my feelings when he was calling the press.
‘Probably,’ I say in frustration. ‘Maybe I will give him another chance. At least he was man enough to be honest with me.’
I see him jerk back, as if I’ve physically wounded him.
‘Fine. You do what you want. I’m going out.’
He strides past me to the front door and roughly shoves his feet back into his shoes.
‘Where are you going?’ I ask, panic chasing through my body. I don’t want him to leave like this. I want to find some way to work it out. But I’m afraid, deep down, that there’s nothing either of us can say right now to make this horrible situation better.
It’s pretty damn clear that it’s over between us.
‘It’s none of your business,’ he replies, confirming my fear. And then he’s gone, slamming the door behind him and leaving the apartment ringing with the shocking sound of his departure from my life.
On unsteady legs I walk back into the living room, slump down onto the nearest sofa and curl myself into a ball. My heart is racing and a heavy blanket of dread presses down over my entire body.
All the confidence that’s slowly been building in me over the last two weeks has drained away because I know now that what we had wasn’t special at all. That I wasn’t special. He was just stringing me along till he got what he wanted.
And I lost my virginity to him, even after all his warnings not to – to save it for someone I cared about, and for someone who cared about me.
But I begged him to do it anyway, like the guileless sap that I am.
I chose not to listen, blinded by my infatuation with him, thinking, like a total idiot, that he felt the same.
Even now I can’t quite believe it’s all been a lie. It seemed so real. Felt so real. But it can’t have been, not if he’s been lying to me all this time.
He played me, like the expert player he is.
What was I thinking? I’ve been so na?ve, assuming I could shield my heart from him whilst blithely giving him everything else I had.
My blood surges through my veins as I realise I’ve gone and done the most stupid thing in the world.
I’ve fallen in love with him.