Chapter 18
KADE
We speed through pastures in one of the ranch’s ATVs, the breeze whipping Chloe’s hair around her face as she smiles up at the sun. Today has been a good day. The type of day I could get used to having.
The ATV bounces as I navigate the terrain, land that I’ve known and worked my entire life.
We’re miles from the ranch with nothing in sight but mountains and fields filled with long grass.
The furthest point of the property—and my favorite place to hang out as a kid—is about five minutes away, and I can’t wait to show Chloe.
“We’re nearly there,” I holler over the roaring sound of the engine.
“Okay,” she calls back, the word getting lost in the noise.
Chloe didn’t question me further on my confession, and even if she had, it’s not something I can risk talking about when I don’t know who might be listening.
Instead, we’ve walked around the barns, the stables and just about every other place I could think of, talking about my family’s history and our plans for the future.
I’ve kept the best place until last. This place is my sanctuary. It’s where I go when I need to clear my head or remind myself of everything my family has worked so hard for.
When we reach the clearing, I pull the ATV to a stop and kill the engine, blanketing us in the silence that I can only ever find in this spot.
Up here, the air is fresher than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I pull in a lungful, reveling in how at ease I feel.
Something about the solitude and the stillness of this place always calms the anxiety I feel about my lies.
Resting my hand on Chloe’s bare thigh, I give it a gentle squeeze before climbing from the vehicle. “Come this way.” I grab the sandwiches I brought from the house, courtesy of my mom, and a blanket that’s always kept on the ATV as we head off in the direction I know all too well.
When I reach the edge of the clearing, I look back at Chloe, watching her face as it morphs from curiosity to awe. I’ve never shown this place to anyone else, and I’m glad it’s her I get to share it with now.
“Oh, Kade, this is beautiful.” She lifts her camera, holding it to her eye before dropping it again and asking, “May I?”
“Have at it.” I step back, giving her an unobstructed view. “My ancestors built our ranch from the ground up when they arrived in Montana with some horses and a dream. This place wasn’t really habitable for people back then, but they persevered because they loved the land so much.”
“I can see why.”
Relief that she likes it as much as me floods my body, and I drag my eyes away from her as I look out at the valley that runs between the mountains and try to imagine what she’s seeing.
Coldwater is barely a speck in the distance.
I didn’t think showing someone this place would feel like giving them a piece of me, but with her, it does.
If you know what you’re looking for, you can see the creek we went to the other day and the lake that separates our property from the Harts’ and the Evergreens’.
Chloe snaps a few pictures before checking them out.
I sneak a peek over her shoulder, my brows rising in surprise even as pride blooms in my chest.
“You know, you’re really good at this, Chlo.”
She meets my gaze, a tinge of red creeping into her cheeks.
“I always wanted to work for National Geographic, so I spent a lot of my childhood outside, perfecting how to capture the natural beauty of our world.” The smile falls from her mouth, and she looks out at the view.
“Who would have thought I’d be taking pictures of models instead, huh? ”
There’s a hint of longing in her tone that I don’t think is for the job she had back in Seattle.
It’s more like she’s mourning the version of herself that used to dream.
The one who believed she could do anything.
I can see her out in the wilderness, living amongst nature, more than I can in a studio with the fake lighting and pouty models.
Even watching her out here, taking pictures of Montana, I see the spark of passion that I get the impression she’s tried to dim up until now.
I take Chloe’s hand and lead her to the spot where I dropped the blanket and sandwiches. “When I was a kid…” I flick the blanket out and take a seat, patting the space beside me. As she drops down, I continue, “I wanted to be a rodeo cowboy.”
Chloe chuckles. “I’ve never seen you ride an animal, but for some reason, I can see you doing that. I bet you’d be real popular with the women too.”
I scrub a hand over my jaw and inhale deeply, the air shifting between us as I prepare myself to tell her my secret.
“Nobody knows this, not even my family.” I glance over at her before moving my attention back to the mountains.
“I’ve been keeping it a secret for a year, and it’s eating me up inside.
I’m not this kind of man. I don’t lie to the people I love. ”
Chloe rests her hand on my jean-clad thigh, and I cover it with my own. “Whatever it is, Kade, you can tell me. I won’t tell a soul, I promise.”
Sincerity coats her words, weaving its way into my bloodstream until I can’t keep the words inside any longer.
“I have been riding in the rodeo.”
The words hang between us, heavy and unsettling, even as the weight that has been sitting on my chest for a year loosens just a fraction. Someone who has zero involvement in the rodeo circuit now knows my truth.
When she doesn’t say anything, I look over at her, confusion filling her features and drawing her brows down. “And that’s bad?”
I nod. “Yeah. It’s very dangerous. My uncle died riding in the rodeo.”
Chloe sucks in a sharp breath, the sound loud to my ears. “I’m so sorry, Kade. That must have been hard for your family.”
I duck my head, playing with a blade of grass that I’ve picked.
“It was. My dad and I were there when it happened. He got thrown from the bronc he was riding. Everything happened so quickly. Nobody could get to him before the horse trampled him and it took them tranquilizing it for it to calm down. Kurt, my uncle, was rushed to hospital. Years later, I found out that they believe he died almost instantly because of an aneurysm, that he wasn’t actually alive when he fell from the horse.
I made a promise to my dad before he passed that I wouldn’t ever ride.
That I’d leave my dreams about the rodeo at just that.
Dreams. He’d lost two brothers in the space of eighteen months: one to a rodeo accident and the other, my cousin’s dad, in a car wreck. ”
Chloe watches me with glassy eyes. “That feels like a lot for you to carry, Kade.”
“I carry it because I don’t have any other choice.
Every time I’m in the arena, I promise myself it will be the last time, but it’s addictive and has given me a purpose.
I could walk away from all of this.” I throw my arm wide, looking out at the valley, at my home, before continuing, “And it would keep churning because I’m barely a cog in the machine.
With the rodeo, I feel alive. So I keep it a secret from my family because I can’t lose them, and I show up to the ranch every day because it’s what’s expected of me. ”
“If it makes you happy and it wasn’t the riding that caused Kurt to pass, would your family not understand?”
Panic seizes me, and I shake my head. “No. They wouldn’t, Chlo. Promise me you won’t say a word to anyone.”
She sets her camera down on the blanket before climbing into my lap and taking off my Stetson.
When she runs her fingers through my hair, I close my eyes, releasing the tension as if she’s brushing it away.
“I won’t tell a soul, Kade. Believe me, I know what it’s like to lose your family because you followed your dreams.”
My chest loosens, relief weaving its way under my skin. I know that she’s telling the truth; that my secret will stay between us, just like hers is with me. Perhaps that’s why I find myself asking, “Will you come with me to the rodeo on Saturday?”
Chloe dusts a thumb over the apple of my cheek, nodding as her gaze bounces around my face. “I’d love to.”
For the first time in a year, I don’t feel alone in this. But then Chloe rests her forehead against mine, and I’m reminded that she’s leaving soon and I’ll be carrying my secret alone again.
How the hell am I supposed to let her go?
The question claws at me. Whispering in my ear like a siren call and demanding that I at least try to show her how good it could be if she liked it here enough to stay.
What does she have back in Seattle? She’s said herself that her job is gone, she’s newly single and searching for her purpose, so maybe her staying is a possibility.
Or maybe I could leave?
An image of what we could have—the routines we’d fall into, the love that could grow—flashes in my mind. It’s there, but not quite in reach for me to capture it and make a reality. Not yet, anyway.