Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
LAINEY
I can feel their eyes on me, watching me, staring at me as the waiter sets down our drinks. They’re going to pounce the minute he walks away. I think about asking him what the specials are again, trying to buy myself some time, but I don’t. When he does turn and walk away, they do exactly that.
I expect them to pepper me with questions, too many questions, but they don’t. There is a moment of silence, a long one, and I can feel their questions on the tips of their tongues, but they don’t say anything, probably out of fear of upsetting me.
They’re my friends, and they’ve trusted me over the years with all their stuff, with their emotions and support. I need to do the same. Trust them with my innermost thoughts and allow them to support me.
They love me, and I know they are just worried.
“Okay,” Dakota begins. “What is going on with you and Viking?” she demands.
“Nothing…” I lie, my voice trailing off.
I’m not sure I am ready to say the words. Because when I tell them, they’ll try to talk me out of marrying Paul. And I am not going to do that. My decision has been made, even as hard as it was to make. As hard as it will be to go through with it all. It’s what I’m going to do.
Posey snorts, and all our eyes fly across to meet hers. I watch as she lifts the glass of water to her lips, taking a drink before she sets it down. She’s got something to say, and we all wait for her to continue.
“You’re a liar. I’m going to call you out on it because I love you. But we can all see it. Plus, he’s been at your place for weeks, and you’ve been in love with him for years, so we can all put two and two together.”
Three pairs of eyes stare at me, waiting for me to tell them everything, to spill all of my secrets. I feel like I could continue to deny it, to lie, but I’m pretty sure they would call me on it immediately, if not sooner. Probably before I could get a complete sentence out.
“It’s just a little fun before I have to go away… forever.”
They stare at me in silence, then thankfully, the waiter appears to take our orders. It’s a moment of reprieve from the questions and the looks. From the expectations. Everyone gets this new viral cucumber-and-tomato steak salad with black beans. I don’t, though.
I need some carbs.
I decide on a turkey-and-Swiss wrap with avocado and crispy bacon. It also comes with homemade sweet potato fries and a cinnamon butter dipping sauce. I’ll be taking full advantage of the sauce.
The moment the waiter walks away with a promise to return with food soon, I lift my gaze to meet the ones of my friends, and I let out a long, exhausting exhale before I continue. Clearly, they don’t believe my words about a little fun, judging by their arched brows.
“I’m a liar,” I state.
They all snort, but it’s Dakota who speaks first. “We know you are,” she whispers. “You love him.”
“I love him,” I confess.
Saying the words should probably make me feel something other than sadness. But it doesn’t. I’m sad. I’m sad that I love him and will never know what a life with Gunnar would be like. I’m sad that I finally got what I wanted, him, and I can’t keep him, not that he would ever let me.
And that makes me even sadder.
Posey opens her mouth next, and I already know what she’s going to say. It’s going to be a gentle reminder about the contract having an out. But I don’t let her say a fucking thing. Lifting my hand, I show her my palm, shaking my head from side to side.
“No,” I whisper. “I don’t want out of the wedding. I’m going through with it.”
“But, Lainey,” Millie murmurs. “You love someone else.”
I can’t have this conversation. I open and then close my mouth. I’m not sure how to continue with this, but then I clear my throat before I speak. I want this part of the conversation to be done.
And as each day grows closer to the wedding, I realize that these days are going to be over soon. This is probably the last time I’m going to have lunch with my friends, and they’re not even all here.
My life as I know it is growing closer to an end.
“It doesn’t matter,” I whisper. “Viking only wanted to do this, to be with me, because he knew it had an expiration date. He doesn’t love me, and it doesn’t matter what I think of him.”
“He’s the asshole here. I hope you know that,” Posey snaps.
Pressing my lips together, I flick my gaze down to the table. I stare at the wet ring the water glass has made on the marble surface. She’s right. Viking is the asshole here, but it doesn’t make me love him or want him any less. And it doesn’t make me any less of an equal participant.
Because I do want him… badly.
“I know,” I say on a long-exhaled breath. “Which is why I’m going through with the wedding. If I stay here, it won’t end well. If I walk away on a good note, no harm, no foul.”
“It’s just your heart, is all,” Dakota murmurs.
Thankfully, I don’t have to respond to that because the food arrives. Her comment is flippant, and I know it comes from a good place, but she has no idea what or how I’m feeling.
VIKING
Wrapping my arm around Daisy, I pull her against my side. My lips curve up as Scar tells me a story. He’s talking about something that Heidi did at the house. They’re together now. He’s claimed her. That’s his woman, has been since the moment he showed up here.
I feel the same way about Lainey, even though I can’t express it, even though I can’t act on it in any other way than how I am now.
So fucking her behind her brother’s back, then sending her off to her new husband, is what I can do.
Which makes me a major asshole, I know. But I never claimed to be anything else.
Daisy’s lips touch the side of my neck, and I let out a grunt, pulling her a little closer. I should push her away. I know I should, but not only am I trashed, but I’m also sabotaging. I know I am, but if I don’t, I’ll want to keep Lainey.
I already want to keep Lainey.
But I have to make her hate me before this ends. And the only way I will even know how to make her hate me is by involving a clubwhore. If she hates me, I can allow her to move on. I’ll probably never move on from her, though.
Lainey-Rose is the one, and I know it.
She can’t be the one for me, though, and I also know that.
Daisy’s mouth slides down my throat, and at the same time, her hand slips beneath my shirt and gently glides up my stomach, then my chest. Scar clears his throat, then lifts his hand in a wave.
He and Heidi turn around and walk over to the bar.
I watch as they sidle up to the bar and shift my attention to Daisy the moment I feel her fingers at my belt buckle.
“What’re you doing?” I ask, my voice sounding thick and slurred even to my own ears.
“You’re here, I’m here, why don’t we have some fun?” she asks in a whisper, her lips at my ear.
I should push her away. I don’t want her. I don’t want to do anything, at least not with her. I want Lainey. It’s in this moment that the realization hits me that I can’t do this. Maybe I’ll be able to bury myself in club pussy after she’s gone, but right now, I can’t.
As much as I want to, I cannot.
“Not today,” I rasp.
And as soon as I say that, the door to the club opens, and I watch as Dakota, Posey, Millie, and Lainey walk into the room.
Fuck.
Daisy, being the decent clubwhore she is, immediately pulls her hand away from my belt and slips away. I don’t even look to see where she goes. It doesn’t matter. My eyes connect and focus on Lainey’s.
I can’t look away from her, even though the expression on her face is clear. She’s upset. Not angry. Hurt. That fucking kills me, but I don’t think I can stand up and walk over to her. I’m drunk but not drunk enough that I can’t walk.
It’s something else.
Call it pride. Call it fucking stupid-ass bullshit control issues. Call it embarrassment for being a piece of shit. I don’t know. But I stay seated and watch her. The other women peel away from her and make their way to their old men.
Lainey doesn’t shy away from me the way I thought she might. She continues walking toward me, stopping when she’s just a few feet away from me. I watch as she crosses her arms over her chest, tipping her chin slightly as she arches a brow and stares at me for a moment in silence.
I don’t speak, and neither does she, at least not immediately. We stare at one another, neither of us breaking the silence. Then she lets out a snort and rolls her eyes to the ceiling before she shifts them down to meet mine.
“So you came here to get drunk and laid?” she asks.
“Drunk, yes. Laid, not so much.”
She presses her lips together, her eyes flicking somewhere in the room, probably to Daisy, but I don’t follow her attention before she brings them back to me. I don’t say anything, though. I wait for her to continue, and thankfully, she does.
“Daisy wasn’t plastered to your side for no reason,” she hisses.
The hurt is still very much bright in her eyes. They water as she continues. I wish I could take it away and tell her that it’s not because I want to hurt her. That it’s really for a million other reasons, but mostly as a way to shield both of us and make the idea of love between us an illusion.
Instead of trying to explain myself here in an open forum, I stand, swaying slightly before I jerk my chin toward the hallway. Piggy isn’t here, so I don’t have to worry about him saying anything, and while I can feel eyes focused on us, this conversation cannot happen in public.
I move toward the hall. I don’t take her into my bedroom, knowing if I do, I’ll want to fuck her there. Instead, I wrap my fingers around her wrist and move forward, crowding her and guiding her to where I want her.
When her back is pressed against the wall and she can’t get away from me, I move in closer.
Lifting one hand, I press my palm against the wall next to her head, gripping her waist with my other hand in an effort to keep her close and caged in.
That’s when I dip my chin so I can look at her eye to eye.
“Nothing happened,” I murmur.
“I shouldn’t care,” she exhales, her breathing coming out in soft pants. “But I do,” she mutters. “I care too much.”
“Yeah,” I grunt
Releasing my grasp on her waist, I raise my hand and cup her cheek with my palm, sliding my thumb along her bottom lip, trying not to tell her just how much I care, too.
It would do no fucking good. None. Except to make all of this that much harder.
And as each day passes, I realize that it’s only getting harder.