Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
LAINEY
I wait for whatever Paul is going to do, whatever he’s about to say. Is he going to kiss me? Is he going to touch me? Is he going to get pissed at me because he knows what Gunnar and I have been up to?
I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I hold my breath as his gaze searches mine in silence. He doesn’t touch me, though. He doesn’t reach out at all. Instead, he takes a step backward, his eyes sparkling as he does, still in silence.
“Maybe this was a bad idea,” he mutters.
“Why?” I ask breathlessly.
Paul clears his throat, then his lips twitch at the corners. “Because I don’t think I’m going to be able to stop if I start. Shouldn’t have come at all. It’s only a few more days.”
Those last words he says. Only a few more days. They should incite some excitement inside me, but they don’t. They fill me with dread instead. Like a warning. Only a few more days. It shouldn’t fill me with anxiety, with fear, or with shame, but it does. That’s exactly what I’m consumed with.
But I don’t tell Paul that. Instead, my lips stay curved up into a smile.
A fake plastered-on smile that I hope he can’t read, though I doubt he can, because this is the only smile I’ve ever worn for him in the short time I’ve been around him, and it will probably be the only smile he’ll ever see from me.
I can’t imagine that I’ll be able to give him a true one.
I don’t know that I’ll ever find absolute happiness with him.
I’m not sure I could find it with anyone who isn’t Gunnar.
Paul thankfully doesn’t realize I’m being fake as hell.
He dips his chin, touches his lips to the spot just behind my ear, and then he walks away.
Turning my head, I watch him over my shoulder as he walks toward my door. He stops. Then spins around to face me. Only then do I slowly do the same. His brows snap together at the same time his lips press into a thin line.
“That Neanderthal who has been watching over you…”
“Yes?” I ask.
My heart slams against my chest again, harder this time. I can feel my skin grow warm, and I resist lifting my fingers to my cheeks in an effort to cool them off. I wonder if he can tell I’m thinking about Gunnar, that I’m scared to death he’s going to figure me out.
Paul shakes his head once, then he finally speaks. “He’s not coming to the wedding, is he?”
“Why?” I ask before I answer him.
“Because I don’t think it’s a good idea for a man who loves you to be there, or maybe it is. Maybe it’s a really good idea so that shit can sink all the way fucking in that you are not his.”
Shit.
Complete fucking shit.
I’m not sure how to answer this, so I stay silent. He chuckles, though I don’t think he really finds it all that funny. I’m pretty sure he knows something is going on, that there is jealousy there under his laugh.
“He might be there. He’s one of my brother’s best friends. I’m not in charge of anything, though, Paul. Except my dress, which I have ready to go.”
He nods once, his gaze never leaving mine. “Okay then.”
That doesn’t sound good at all. I hope he lets it go because I don’t know what’s going to happen if he pushes it. I don’t know what I would blurt out, and I certainly don’t know how Gunnar will react.
“I’ll see you in a few days. I’ll be the asshole in the suit at the end of the aisle,” he quips, then winks before he tugs the door open and walks away.
Paul closes the door behind him, and I stay where I am, standing in the middle of my living room, staring at the closed door and wondering what the hell I’m going to do. Pinching my eyes closed, I try to gather myself. I have a few more days, and I can’t be getting all worked up.
I need to get it together.
Just when my breathing calms down, I hear the familiar sound of a bike’s roar. My spine straightens, and I rush over to the window. Using my index finger, I flip the blind slightly so I can see outside, and that’s when I spy him.
It’s Gunnar.
He’s parking across the street, his eyes focused on the house. I don’t know if he can actually see me, but it feels like he can. He doesn’t make a move to come inside, though. He doesn’t even make a move to climb off his bike.
All he does is stare.
And all I do is stare right back at him.
He doesn’t move. He doesn’t lift his hand to wave. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t do anything but sit there and look pissed off. My attention is dragged away from Gunnar when my phone starts to buzz in my pocket.
Slipping it out, I turn around and walk away from the window. Flicking my gaze down at my screen, I grunt at the sight of the name flashing as it rings. I’m not sure I want to talk to her right now, but at the same time, if I don’t answer, she’s going to come over.
It’s Millie.
I glide my thumb across the screen, but can’t even say hello.
“Where are you?” she demands.
“At home, why?”
There’s no sense in saying anything else yet. I’m answering her, and that’s all I need to do at this point. Sucking in a breath, I hold it as I wait for her to continue.
“Because your brother is on a rampage,” she hisses. “Paul is at your place right now? He’s pissed about it but knows he can’t do anything about it. And now he’s really starting to lose his shit about the whole situation.”
“Millie,” I whisper. “Paul was here, but nothing happened. He left.”
“Does he know about you and Gunnar?” she asks, but I can tell she’s being really quiet, probably so that Axton doesn’t hear.
“Maybe, probably…” I say, my words trailing off. “But it doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t?” she asks, but before I can answer her, she continues. “He loves you, and you love him.”
“And it doesn’t matter,” I state.
Thankfully, she doesn’t push. She drops it and changes the subject. “Are you packing today?”
“I am,” I murmur as my gaze sweeps the room.
“How about I come over and help? Nobody else, just me. A little sister time.”
She doesn’t say it, but what she means is… for the last time.
“Sure, I could use some help.”
It’s a lie, and she probably knows it, but she doesn’t call me on it. Ending the call, I walk over to the window and look out again. I expect to see him sitting there staring at my window still, but he’s not. And his bike is gone, too.
It’s for the best.
VIKING
Seeing her watch me from a distance, her gaze clearly focused on me and nowhere else, even from across the street, causes my body to almost explode from craving. Desire that I can’t have. So instead of watching her, I start my bike and get the fuck out.
I don’t go back to the clubhouse, though. I need to stay away. I’m afraid I’ll do some shit that I’ll regret. I also don’t go on a hunt for Paul, even though that’s exactly what I want to do, because that would have the same result…
I would fucking regret doing something to hurt the club. Even if it meant it would make me really fucking happy.
Instead, I just ride.
I don’t have any plans for where I’m going or where I’ll land, but I can’t stay in Thunder Rock, at least not right now. I need to be far away before I do something really fucking stupid.
I can’t go back, at least not until after the wedding. I think I need some time away, and while it’s going to likely piss Bullet off because I’m not there to do my fucking job, that’s something I’ll just have to deal with later.
I need to be far fuckin’ away.
And without even realizing where I’m going, I ride until my bike comes to a stop, mainly because I can’t go anywhere else.
My bike takes me to South Carolina and stops there.
It’s better to be in a different state. It’s better to be so far away that I can’t just show up in the middle of the night and fuck the only woman I’ve ever dreamed of in my life. The only woman I’ve ever desired to the point where I ache. My body fucking aches for her.
For Lainey-Rose.
The only woman I’ve ever loved.
When I pull up to the ocean lookout spot, I stare out at the darkness where the waves meet the sand. I can’t see dick right now, but I can hear the soft roll of the water against the wet sand. It’s out there, and when I close my eyes, I can imagine it.
I love the ocean. Though the mountains are home, the ocean is a close second.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, interrupting my moment of silence and enjoyment. Reaching for the device, I open my eyes and flick my gaze down to the screen. I wince at the sight of the name.
It’s Piggy.
I can’t imagine that I’m someone he wants to talk to right now, but I slide my thumb against the screen and hold it to my ear anyway. I’m no pussy, and I’m not going to back down from him or anyone else. He clearly wants some answers, and I’ll give him what I’m willing to and nothing else.
“Viking,” I simply state as my greeting.
“Where the fuck are you?” he demands as his own.
Keeping my gaze on the darkness ahead of me, I inhale a deep breath, allowing the salty air to enter my lungs before I force it out in a long exhale. I wonder if the salt air is really healing. I hope it is. I feel like I probably need that shit.
“The beach,” I state. “I need some time away from the mountains.”
“Time away from the mountains or time away from my sister?” he demands.
I refuse to answer that. So I don’t, at least not the way he wants me to. “Mountains,” I state… which is a complete fucking lie. “I’m in South Carolina.”
“Fuck,” he hisses. “Paul didn’t stay long. He left only a few minutes after he got there. But Millie went over and talked to her. That fuck’s been watching her. Anything he could have seen?”
I know what he’s asking, but I refuse to fucking answer him. I’m glad Paul didn’t stay long. It means they didn’t fuck at least, or if they did, it wasn’t any fun. I shouldn’t be thinking like that, because they will be fucking in less than a week, and it’s none of my goddamn business.
None.
Even though I wish it were.