Chapter 41
KYLIE
Thank God for work and outbreaks. The next few weeks passed in a blur. I was assigned to the Influenza team, and it had been a hectic season. The days provided very little room for thoughts outside of the data I analyzed, and when I wasn’t in the office late, I brought work home after hours.
The Saturday after Sam left for spring training, I visited Kelsey and spent time with her, trying to keep her company. She and Crew weren’t going to see Sam for over a week, since she had to travel with Crew to see his father midweek.
“If I don’t get pregnant by March, I might wait another year.”
What hurt the most about losing Luc was that only Kendra and Lily knew what I had lost. Kelsey chirped happily about her life, and yes, I was so fucking happy for her, but it didn’t erase my own sadness.
“It’ll happen, Kels.”
Was I doing enough to hide my sadness from Kelsey? Maybe. She seemed oblivious to my internal distress.
Crew had just started walking and was more of a menace than usual. He didn’t just start walking, but he ran full speed into everything—walls, doors, kitchen cabinets.
“Part of me thinks I’m crazy for trying, but I want to do this with Sam.”
Kelsey had moved towards the kitchen to make sandwiches while I set up a play bowling alley for Crew. It was a ton of work to set it up, but the twenty-five seconds of glee when he knocked down the pins were worth it.
The smell practically knocked me over when she opened a can of tuna.
“Ugh, nasty.”
I gagged, and Kelsey wrinkled her nose, sniffing it.
“Smells like normal tuna to me.”
“Do you have anything else? That’s not doing it for me.”
Kelsey put the tuna in a container as I covered my nose. I could only breathe when she had it safely in the fridge.
“Hey, Ky?” Kelsey gave me a strange look that I couldn’t place.
“Yeah?”
“Is it just tuna that turns your stomach? Have you been eating?”
Since I broke up with Luc, my anxiety had been off the charts, and no, I hadn’t been eating. Nothing appealed to me.
“Not really. I’ve been anxious lately. Work has been busy.”
“Have you been tired?”
“Sure,” I said, picking at the salad and grilled chicken Kelsey offered instead of the tuna.
“Okay, maybe I’m just hyper-focused on this because I’m trying for a baby, but could you be pregnant?”
My fork slipped out of my hand as I flashed back to the broken condom and the morning-after pill.
“So, it’s a possibility?”
Crew banged his highchair for more, creating a brief distraction while I checked my cycle tracker app to see when I had my last period. It wasn’t regular, but I hadn’t had one since mid-December.
“I used the morning-after pill…”
Kelsey dropped down into a seat at the counter, watching me carefully as my hands shook.
“Breathe. Whatever happens, you will be okay. I promise.”
My stomach turned, and I barely reached the sink before losing the little I had eaten.
“H-h-he doesn’t want kids,” I forced out before I dry-heaved again. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility until Kelsey asked, and now I felt stupid for missing the signs.
Kelsey rubbed my back and watched Crew eat at the same time.
“Who is he?”
I shook my head, refusing to answer her. “It’s not important. It’s over.”
“Let me clean up, Crew, and when I put him down, you can use one of my pregnancy tests.”
“You stock pregnancy tests?” I asked, a wry laugh forced out of me.
“Anxiety. It’s easier to take a test daily and know than to worry about it.”
When Crew finished eating, she brought him up to bed. I stood outside his room and then followed her to the bathroom. When she opened the cabinet, there were dozens of boxes of pregnancy tests.
“Here, take these three.”
“I’m pretty sure I only need one.”
She passed me a paper cup and stood against the counter, opening the test wrappers while I filled it with urine.
“Do your boobs hurt?”
I nodded. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I’d tried so hard to bury myself in work, I’d completely ignored my body.
“I’m going to be here for you. Whatever you need, understand?”
Silent nod. She dipped the three tests in the cup and preserved the remainder just in case.
“Are we supposed to walk away and leave these here?”
“Is that what you want to do?”
No, I wanted all three to be negative. Then I could eat a tuna sandwich with a large glass of wine downstairs.
“I can’t do anything until I know.”
We watched the tests. The pink dye test gave me the first positive, followed by a blue dye test. The digital test flashed PREGNANT last, but with that one, there was no question.
With that, I stood outside my nephew’s room and peeked in on him while he slept. I remembered when I found out Kelsey was pregnant, how she’d been devastated to leave school, confused and scared about her future. But she loved and wanted that little boy from the moment she knew he existed.
“Kylie, what are you thinking?”
“You knew right away that you were going to keep him?”
“Not exactly. I wasn’t thinking of anything that first day. Take the time to process. I promise you, you’re going to be okay.”
“But am I? Would you be if it weren’t for Sam?”
Hurt flashed across her face, and she quickly hid it from me. Sam’s sudden appearance drastically changed her quality of life, but I had no doubt that my sister would have made it alone.
“Yes. Without a doubt. I might have less, but Crew and I would have been happy.”
Kelsey’s phone rang.
“Hey, it’s Kendra. She wanted to stop by. Can I tell her to come by?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, Kenny. Are you still coming by?” Kelsey put Kendra on speaker.
“Yes. I was checking to see if you needed anything before I headed over. Wine?”
“No thanks. We’re good.”
“Okay, see you soon.”
I texted Kendra.
Me: Whatever happens, do NOT tell Kelsey about Luc.
Kendra: Everything okay?
Me: Get over here. Please.
When Kendra arrived, she looked panicked. She walked in and plopped herself on the counter where all three pregnancy tests were spread out before us.
“Ooh, congratulations!” she said, assuming the tests belonged to Kelsey.
“They’re not mine.”
Shocked, she looked at me, and I shrugged. She rushed over to me, pulling me into her arms.
“It’s going to be okay.”
Kendra’s response was instant and without hesitation. After Kelsey had found out she was pregnant, Kendra had made some pretty shitty comments, and it had taken a long time for them to repair their relationship. Here I was in the exact same boat less than two years later.
“She doesn’t think the dad will help.”
“I think it’s up to her whether she involves him.”
I reminded myself to thank Kendra later. I wanted Kelsey’s support, but I wanted her to avoid questions related to paternity.
“He made it clear that he never planned to have kids.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to be responsible for the baby,” Kelsey said.
I sighed, growing frustrated.
“I need a minute. I didn’t have even an ounce of suspicion that I was pregnant until Kelsey asked. I need some time to wrap my head around it.”
“I’m sorry, I understand. I promise. I didn’t mean to push you,” Kelsey said.
“Oh, God. Mom and Dad. I’ve got to tell them.”
Kendra burst out laughing. “After all the awkward lessons on how to use a condom from mom and the lectures on the importance of birth control, you both got knocked up.”
“Um, Kenny?”
“Yeah, okay. Me too. All three of us failed at birth control.”
Kendra had encouraged Kelsey to have an abortion, which is what she had done when she found herself in the same situation. So yes, with a mother who worked as an OB/GYN nurse, we should have been able to manage basic birth control.
I thought back to my insistence that we use condoms and the statistics my mother had drilled into our heads. Stupid.
“I hadn’t even thought about being a mom.”
“Me neither. But I wouldn’t change it for a minute.”
“How about ice cream and bad TV?”
Ten minutes later, we were all settled in front of Kelsey’s TV. After going through almost every option on Netflix, we decided on the current Outlander season. While I struggled to keep track of the storyline, being there with my sisters helped.