Chapter 45
KYLIE
The coldness that I had channeled for the call with Luc belied the inner turmoil that wanted nothing more than to hear his voice. It had been two and a half months since the last time I walked out of his door.
Lily had witnessed half of the conversation, and she looked at me to fill her in, but I shook my head and went into my room. Aside from the fact that Luc knows I’m pregnant, he’d said some things that didn’t make sense. I wanted to process it independently, not have Lily interpret it for me.
Ultimately, everything that happened in my life was mine to decide. I needed her to remain quiet if she would pass judgment and make me question my decisions.
Sitting back against the headboard of my bed, I tucked my knees in tight. The slight pressure in my low belly caused me to shift, reminding me exactly why I was so confused.
Luc had thought he couldn’t have children. It explained so much; I don’t know why I never put two and two together.
Okay, fine. But why hadn’t he told me that?
Everything we had done together had required clear communication. How had Luc failed at telling me the one thing that would have made the difference in our relationship? And what the hell had happened to make him believe that he couldn’t have children?
The doorbell rang, startling me from my thoughts. Lily went to answer the door, and I refocused my attention on clearing my head.
“Kylie? Luc’s here. Should I send him away?”
Instead of answering her, I made my way to the door and opened it, allowing him to come inside.
He stepped toward me, and I took a step back.
His eyes squeezed shut in response, and that familiar pain throbbed in my chest. Since I found out I was pregnant, I wanted nothing more than the feel of his arms around me.
“I’m going to step out and leave you two alone. Is that okay, Ky?”
I answered Lily with a nod, unable to tear my gaze away from Luc. Luc’s gaze dropped to my abdomen as he searched for evidence of my pregnancy.
“There’s not much to see, yet. I’m only fourteen weeks.”
“The broken condom?”
I nodded. “It would appear so.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, as if in pain, and then stared into my eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Kylie. I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did.”
“After I got off the phone with you, I called Sky.”
A sharp pang of jealousy flared up inside me. God, I hated that his ex-wife could still make me feel like I wasn’t enough for him.
“When we were still together, we were trying to start a family—for years we tried. And throughout that entire time, I watched Skylar take negative test after negative test. It killed me I couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted.”
He paused, his eyes welling up, breath ragged.
“It’s why I was so clear when I told you that kids weren’t in my future.”
“I didn’t ask you to have a baby, Luc. I’ve had some time to come to terms with the pregnancy, and today, I want it, yes. But in January? No. I only wanted you. I was happy with you. You were enough for me.”
A sob escaped from him, and he bit down on his fist to hold back the emotion.
“I always wanted a family. And it fucking killed that it wasn’t my future. It hurt so goddamned much that I refused to subject you to that pain.”
I squeezed my eyes closed, willing myself not to cry.
“That wasn’t your decision, Luc. But let’s just put this out there. You can have children.”
I gestured to my belly and pulled my t-shirt taut. He stepped forward again, and I stepped back again. I couldn’t risk physical contact with him, even though I hated seeing him in pain. Fuck, he couldn’t hide it if he tried.
“Yeah, well, it turns out Skylar never stopped taking her pills. So everything I believed, every decision I made, was based on a fucking lie. Oh, and when she cried over the pregnancy tests? I’ve told you she’s a hell of an actress.”
Jesus. Before today, I had moments of hatred for Skylar that I could explain as jealousy. But right now, I despised the woman. I despised her for the pain she caused Luc and the demise of our relationship.
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
“I want everything with you. I want to be there for you, with you. I want to make up for everything I’ve done wrong.”
I wanted to believe him. My God, I wished this could be our moment, the white horse, charging into my life and wiping away the hurt. But I couldn’t trust him anymore. I could see just how much he wanted children. Was he only back because of the baby?
“Do you know how much I loved you?” I asked.
“Loved?”
“Love. Yes. Present tense, Luc. I still love you.” Relief washed over his face. “But you broke my trust. I bared everything to you, trusted you with every last thought, feeling, fear—and you couldn’t give the same to me.”
“I needed to know that I was enough for you.”
“I knew what I was walking into! You told me on our first fucking date that there weren’t kids in your future. In this case, the why was important. You should have fucking told me why!”
“You know I need control. When my body failed me, when I couldn’t control my future, I couldn’t deal with that. I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said that, Luc.”
We were both crying now. I wiped the mutinous tears from my face and stepped back again when Luc moved towards me. God, I couldn’t let him touch me.
“If you hadn’t found out about the baby, would you still be here?”
“Today? No, I had just found Sky’s pregnancy announcement on Instagram the day we ended things. In my mind, it proved that I was the reason we hadn’t been able to have a baby.”
My tears turned to laughter as something dawned on me. Hope bloomed on his face.
“Do you realize that if you had told me you didn’t think you could get me pregnant, I would have been a lot more relaxed about condom use—”
“And you would have been pregnant a long time ago.”
“Yeah.”
“I hope you know that if I had even a single doubt about being able to have children, I never would have been satisfied with condoms. The failure rate is too high. Do we know what happened with the morning-after pill?”
“It doesn’t work if you’ve already ovulated. But nice effort,” I said, holding back a smirk.
“Have I lost you guys?” he asked, voice thick with the emotion of the afternoon.
“I would never keep you from your child.”
“But what about you?” His face searched mine, falling when I didn’t respond right away.
“I can’t make that promise. I don’t trust you anymore.
I don’t trust you to come to me with the important shit.
Sexually, I loved submitting to you, but when it comes to our relationship, it needs to be equal.
I’m not sure you’re capable of that. Maybe it’s because you don’t value my experience, but I don’t think that’s it.
I think you’re so used to being in control that you can’t give up an ounce of it. ”
“I deserve that.”
“No, Luc. You don’t deserve for me to hurt you, and that did.
I’m sorry, but I needed to say it. We both deserve trust, honesty, and a relationship where we know where we stand.
If I took you back today, do you know that I would forever worry that my code for your door would stop working one day?
I would worry that the delay in your text response meant you fucking blocked me.
Every time I walked in on you in sweatpants, I would think you were breaking up with me.
Until these scars heal, I can’t trust you. ”
“Something to work toward.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
When he stepped toward me this time, I didn’t move away. When his arms enveloped me, I inhaled his scent, and fresh tears sprang to my eyes. Both of us cried, and when his hand rested on my belly, he shook even harder.
“How’s Liam?”
“He’s so mad at me, he pisses on my bed at least once a day. Denise took him in for a few days. Fucker was an angel while he was there.”
“God, I love cats.”