Chapter 10 Luke
LUKE
Half a man…cripple…the words lodge in my brain and make my chest ache.
Arlo claps me on the back. “That was awesome, man. I knew you were a badass.”
But the praise does nothing to dislodge the pain in my chest. Because as much as I hate the motherfucker, Ian’s right. Isla deserves more than a man like me. She deserves the fucking world. Not a man who can’t even get himself up off the floor unassisted.
I haul myself over to my chair, but I already know I can’t pull myself into it.
Isla comes over, her face full of concern. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I try to smile, but I don’t want her to witness this. I don’t want her to see Arlo and Davis lifting me into my chair.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
She crouches in front of me. “I’m shaken, but I’ll be fine. He won’t come back.”
“Not if he knows what’s good for him,” Arlo says.
Isla reaches out a hand and touches my cheek. It’s tender and makes me wince. Ian got a couple of swipes at me before I pinned him down.
“Let me patch you up.” Her touch is tender, and I long to lean into it. To feel her caress on my skin and to kiss her again.
“Ready to get back in the chair?” Arlo asks. The question crashes me back to reality. It reminds me of what I lack. I’m half a man. That’s all I’ll ever be.
“I’ll be fine.” I jerk my head away from Isla’s touch, and confusion and pain flash across her face. “Go tend to Cody.”
“Luke…?”
I can’t look at her, and I keep my head turned away until she stands up with a sigh. I wait until she’s taken Cody out of the room before I allow Arlo and Davis to lift me under the arms and haul me into my chair.
I can’t even get off the fucking floor without help. Ian’s words ring in my ears.
Half a man, a cripple.
Isla deserves so much more than that.
It’s after nine later that night, and I’m in my room when there’s a soft knock at the door. I open it to find Isla on the other side with a baby monitor in her hand. She’s wearing a loose shirt with milk stains on it, and her hair is in a messy top knot. But she still takes my breath away.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I wheel into the room and spin around to face her as she closes the door.
She fidgets with the baby monitor. “Thank you for today. For standing up for me.”
I shrug. “I told you I’d protect you, Isla. I just wasn’t sure I really could.”
She grins. “You were badass Luke. The look on Ian’s face when you launched yourself at him.” She chuckles. “He wasn’t expecting that.”
I can’t help grinning. I haven’t had to test my strength since I’ve been in the chair. It felt good to know I can take a man down when I need to. “He threatened you.”
Isla looks down at the baby monitor and bites her lower lip. “Did I do something wrong?”
Her words cut, and I wheel over so I’m sitting before her. “What makes you say that?”
She looks up at me and her eyes shine, and I hate it that I’ve hurt her.
She takes a big breath. “I like you, Luke. I like you a lot and I thought you felt the same, but you’ve been distant, and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong or if I’ve read the situation wrong…”
She trails off and looks down at her hands.
“Oh honey, it’s not you.”
“Then what’s the problem, Luke?”
I run a hand through my hair. Is she going to make me spell it out? “Look at me, Isla.” I wheel a few feet back and hold my arms up. I want her to really see me. “I’m in a wheelchair; I’m missing half my body. You deserve better than that. You deserve a man who’s whole.”
My voice comes out bitter, and I expect her to nod and leave. I expect her to understand. What I don’t expect is the raised eyebrow look she gives me.
“Is that it?” She folds her arms in front of her chest. “Do you think I’m that stupid that I don’t see the man you are inside?
You think all I see is a man in a wheelchair?
That couldn’t be further from the truth.
I don’t see a man in a wheelchair. I see a man.
A man with a big heart, who’s kind and loyal and determined.
A man who launched himself at another man to protect me and my son. ”
She crouches before me and takes my hands in hers. Her touch is soft, and it eases something in my chest.
“You think you know what I need, Luke? I’ll tell you what I need. It’s you, Luke. I need you.”
My chest expands, and I dare to hope I might have a chance with this woman. But she’s only seen one side of me. She doesn’t know what she’s getting into.
“Are you sure, Isla? Life isn’t always easy for me.
You’ve seen the best of me, but some days are still dark.
Sometimes I get frustrated. I get embarrassed, moving around can be slow.
It’s easy for me here because the entire clubhouse has been adapted to be accessible for me.
But it’s not like that everywhere. I don’t like going out much because a lot of places aren’t accessible to me, and sometimes just walking along the pavement is impossible.
It’s frustrating as hell, and it can be limiting. ”
She squeezes my hands. “I don’t care, Luke. I want to be with you on that journey. I want to ease your frustrations and be there with you.” She looks down. “If you want me too, that is.”
I hear the vulnerability in her voice. She’s put herself out there. She’s offering me everything I ever wanted. I tilt her chin up so she’s looking at me.
“As long as you’re sure Isla, because if we’re doing this, then I’m all in. I may have half a body, but I’ve got a full heart. And I will love you and Cody like he’s my own. Ever since you came here three weeks ago, you’re all I’ve wanted.
“I’ve learned to live with my disability and I’ve found a life I love here, but for the first time in a long time I doubted myself. I doubted if I was enough.”
She shakes her head. “You stupid man. You’re more than enough, Luke. You’re everything to me.”
I pull her onto my chair and wrap one arm around her, pulling her close.
“I love you, Isla, and I’ll love and protect you for as long as you want me around. I’ve loved you since the moment you walked into the clubhouse. I’ll fight for you, I’ll stay strong for you, and what I lack in body, I’ll make up for in devotion. You’re my everything.”
She puts her hands around my neck and I kiss her slowly and soft, letting every emotion bubble up out of my chest and into the kiss. My hand slides up her back, and holding her in my arms feels so fucking good.
With my other hand I wheel over to the bed, and Isla jerks back as I bump into the bedpost. “Sorry, you’re distracting me.”
She smiles and climbs off my lap, and I grab her hand before she can go anywhere. “Is Cody down for the night?”
She glances at the baby monitor where the screen shows him peacefully sleeping in the basinet. “He shouldn’t wake for a few hours at least.”
I brush my thumb over the pulse of her wrist, feeling it beat against my callused skin. “Stay with me.”
Her gaze meets mine, and I bring her hand to my lips and kiss the tender skin of her wrist. She gasps as I graze my lips over the underside of her wrist, her pulse throbbing against my lips.
“I want to show you what you mean to me.”
Isla smiles shyly. “I’d like that.”
She looks between me and the bed, and I see the question in her eyes. My instinct is to ask her to turn away while I use the transfer board to get myself onto the bed. But if I’m going to be her man, she has to see all of me. I have to show her my vulnerable side, and that’s scary as hell.
I pull out the plastic green transfer board I keep by the bed and position it next to my chair. Isla tilts her head, looking curious, and suddenly I don’t want her to see this.
“Turn around.”
Isla furrows her brows at me. “Why?”
“I don’t want you to see this.”
She puts her hand on her hips. “Luke, if you think I’m going to be scared off by seeing you use a transfer board to get into bed, then you’re stupider than I thought.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise. “How do you know what a transfer board is?”
“You’re not the only one who knows how to use Google.”
She reaches for the board and places it on the bed, near the pillow. “May I?” she asks, and I nod before she slides the other end under my body.
“You learned how to do this?” My voice chokes on the emotion welling up inside me. While I’ve been Googling how to look after a newborn, Isla’s been searching for how to look after me.
“I might have watched a couple of videos.” She smiles. “Did I do it right?”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
I place my hands on the board and pull myself onto the bed. It’s less embarrassing than I thought it would be. And Isla slides the board back in its place beside the bed then climbs onto the bed like it’s no big deal.
My heart swells for this woman, for her acceptance of me.
“I love you, Isla.” I pull her down to the mattress, and we lie side by side. Tendrils of hair escape from her messy bun and tickle my nose. I sweep them away and cup her cheek in my hand.
“I swear I’ll do all I can to protect you, to love you and to give you and Cody the best life I can.”
I don’t make oaths lightly, but this is one is easy to make.
I run my hand over her cheek, and she leans into it. “And the other babies we’re going to have,” she says.
My eyes widen, and I jolt onto my elbows in shock. “You want more babies?”
Before I got blown up in Afghanistan, I was too young to think about having a family. And after the accident, I didn’t think I’d ever have one. Now, the thought of having kids with Isla loosens something deep inside, a longing I never knew I had.
“As long as it’s what you want,” she adds quickly.
I stroke her cheek. “Oh honey…” The words choke in my throat. I never thought I’d be a father. “I’ll give you more babies if that’s what you want. Let me be a father to Cody, and I’ll show you what a father I can be.”
Tears shine in her eyes, and I wipe them away with my thumb. “I already know you’ll make a great dad.”