Chapter 32
Jordan
We win our last two home games of the season and now we’re gearing up for the final three games on the road.
But first, tomorrow is Aiden and Hana’s baby shower.
Aiden and I were two peas in a pod before he met and fell in love with our teammate Johan’s sister.
They got married and she got pregnant immediately, and today’s shower is co-ed.
I’m a little annoyed that Victoria couldn’t get the day off but because our road trip is coming up, she needed to save her days off for that.
It makes sense but I hate it because I just want her to quit and move in with me, let me take care of her.
School and work take up all her time and thanks to her father’s intervention, we barely see each other.
That was probably his plan, so I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with a way to make him like me. It sounds ridiculous to even think that way but it’s becoming crystal clear that although Victoria has changed a bit in four years, she’s still very much under her parents’ thumbs.
I just can’t figure out why.
They’re still going to love her. Her dad puts on his big, bad marine attitude but then I’ve seen him crawling on the floor with Charlie like a little kid. Personally, I think a ring is the answer.
My buddies—Jude and Vaughn and even Aiden—all disagree.
They think it’s too soon and will just muddy up an already complicated situation.
On top of that, Victoria has been distant the last few days. Not herself at all. I know her dad’s blood pressure has her worried, but I’m not sure why she’s behaving so weird.
“I think you’re thinking too much,” Felix Lessard, another teammate, tells me as we finish setting up for the shower. They’re doing a hockey puck shooting event where one of the pucks, which are made with a thick paper, will have either pink or blue powder inside. All the others will have white.
“Buy the ring if you wish,” Johan Hajek says, “but you take the chance of scaring her away.”
“Why would I scare her away?” I demand. “I don’t understand. I love her. She loves me. I can take care of her. We’ve loosely been planning our future… Why are we waiting?”
The guys look at each other and then Felix shrugs. “Parental guilt is serious. This is very dangerous cliff.” His French-Canadian accent is distinct.
“If I wait for her dad to say it’s okay, we’ll be forty,” I mutter dryly.
“If you make her choose between you and her family,” Johan says quietly, “she could end up resenting you for it. Especially if you have children.”
“Waiting six months or a year isn’t the worst thing,” Felix adds. “Will give you time to look for a house, things like that.”
I fold my arms across my chest in annoyance. “Sometimes it feels like I’m the one making all the sacrifices. Just like four years ago.”
There’s an awkward silence, and I know exactly what they’re thinking.
That maybe this has all been a mistake. That hormones and memories and the lack of closure threw us together again even though we’re not really meant to be together.
I don’t believe that, not really, but there’s a part of me that does.
“You think I should end it,” I say finally.
“Or give her a deadline,” Johan suggests. “A certain amount of time to make a decision—say, before training camp starts in the fall.”
That’s an idea, one I hadn’t considered.
I just don’t think Victoria will be comfortable with it.
And this isn’t the time or place to talk about. The room has filled up with our friends and teammates, music is playing, and something smells amazing.
“On that note, I’m going to get some food,” I say.
I’ve just picked up a plate when Chloe walks up behind me.
“Hey.” She smiles. “It’s a bummer Victoria can’t be here.”
“Tell me about it,” I mutter.
She cocks her head. “Everything okay?”
“I don’t know. Her parents make her feel bad when it comes to spending time with me, and she won’t commit to us moving in together or anything. She wants to wait until she graduates to make any big decisions, but I don’t think anything will change between now and then.”
“Yeah, her dad’s blood pressure has been out of control,” Chloe says. “She called me the other night to ask me about it. I think he needs to see a cardiologist but he’s being stubborn.”
“And she has to pay the price because her mom is loosely saying she’s part of the problem, causing him stress.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Chloe says, “but obviously I can’t know for sure without examining him.”
“Yeah, he doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who listens to anyone—not even doctors.”
“Eventually, that’s going to bite him in the butt,” she says with a shrug.
“It’s biting me in the butt now.”
“Look, in a couple of days we’ll all be in New York together. You’ll have alone time with her at night and she’ll be with us girls during the day and the games. You two can have a heart-to-heart and I’ll try to get her to tell me what’s going on in her head too.”
“I appreciate you,” I say somberly. “Thank you.”
“That’s what friends are for.” She squeezes my arm and then picks up a plate.
* * *
We’ve just finished the gender reveal, where it turns out Aiden and Hana are having a girl, when my phone buzzes. It’s Victoria, so I walk outside to talk to her.
“Hey, babe.”
“How was it?” she asks.
“Still going on—the ladies all asked about you.”
“I wish I’d been able to come.”
“Well, it turns out they’re having a girl.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful.” She says the words but her tone doesn’t match them.
“You okay?” I ask.
“I have to talk to you about something, but it can wait until you’re home. I thought it would be over by now.”
“Are you still at work?”
“Yeah, but it’s really quiet today.”
“You want me to come pick you up?”
“I’d love that but I have to stay late to do inventory. Terri is coming in at five and we’ll be here late. The good news is that I get paid time-and-a-half after five, but I don’t know how long I’ll be here.”
“Okay. So, what’s up?”
“Please don’t be mad.”
A bad feeling winds through my gut. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t think I can go to New York.”
I blow out a frustrated breath. “Babe, it’s all paid for.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I looked and the flight is refundable so you can get your money back. And I’ll pay you back for the spa day.”
“It’s not about the money!” I say, trying to keep my voice level. “Why are you letting your parents manipulate you?”
“If I go and my dad dies of a heart attack while I’m gone, I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Maybe if he went to a doctor and got medicated, you wouldn’t be responsible for his well-being.”
“I know. Mom, Ivy, and I are all working on him. Please try to understand.” Her voice breaks a little. “You have no idea how much I want to go but—”
“Obviously not enough to actually stand up to your parents.”
“Jordan, you know how hard this is.”
“I know how good they are at making you feel guilty. Just like they did four years ago. I wanted you to go to the All-Star weekend with me but they said it was inappropriate even though you were eighteen and I offered to put you in a separate hotel room. They wouldn’t let you go to weeknight games because you’d be out too late even though you never went to bed before midnight anyway.
I can think of a dozen ways they manipulated you then and you’re still letting them do it now. ”
She’s quiet, and I hate that we’re having this argument while I’m at the party but she started it.
“Why are you being this way?” she asks quietly. “You said you could be patient.”
“I have been patient, and I would continue to be if you gave any indication at all that you’re ever going to put me first. I understand you couldn’t when you were eighteen but I thought this time around it would be different.
That we’d realized how important this relationship is.
Except that’s not the vibe I get from you. ”
“What are you saying?” she asks.
“You know what I’m saying. At some point, you have to put me first. Unless it’s hockey related, I always put you first. Name one time where you did the same.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? What’s our timeline? Six months? A year? Five years? When do I get to be your priority? Is that even possible?”
“I’m trying but until this blood pressure thing is resolved and—”
“And then it will be something else!” I snap, interrupting. “We already barely see each other—how much more distance can your dad put between us before you see what he’s doing?”
“Jordan, I just need a little more time. I promise, once I graduate, we’ll sit down and—”
“I can’t do this again, Victoria,” I interrupt again even as my stomach churns with regret.
“What?” She sounds startled.
“I can’t go through another situation where I’m the villain in your story.
I’m the guy who takes advantage of you, who’s only using you, who doesn’t love you.
Because that’s not who I am and I think I’ve proven that to you.
I do love you, but I’m not sure you understand exactly what that means.
And until you do, we can’t be together.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“I’m giving you the time and freedom to do whatever it is you need to do to figure out whether or not I’m what you want.
You essentially have one foot out the door, waiting for your dad to pull the rug out from under us, and I just can’t wait for it.
I almost lost everything last time—I’m not willing to risk it all again for a maybe.
I’m sorry, Victoria. Let me know if you change your mind, but I have to go. ”
I disconnect and close my eyes, trying to breathe.
I’ve probably just fucked up my life—again—but this is all like a big déjà vu mind fuck, one I’m not prepared to deal with. Things have been going so well for me, both personally and professionally.
As much as I love her, until she’s ready to put in the effort for us to be together, I have to put myself first. Even though it might kill me.