Chapter 34
Jordan
As the plane descends into JFK Airport, I’m grumpy as fuck.
I’d been looking forward to this trip, to having Victoria with me and the opportunity to spend quality alone time together. Instead, I let my pride and my temper get the best of me and broke up with her.
It still doesn’t feel real.
Probably because we haven’t been able to spend enough time together so this is just…normal. Except for not constantly texting each other. That part is hard. I reach for my phone a dozen times a day to tell her something, ask her a question, share a funny story. But I can’t.
At some point, she has to stand up to her family.
I’m ninety-nine percent sure I did the right thing. It’s the pesky one percent that’s bugging the shit out of me.
Should I have been more patient?
Given her until graduation to sort things out with her parents?
The thing is, it’s always something. It was like that before too. Her parents would say, yes, you can go out with Jordan. But then give us so many restrictions it was almost impossible not to break a rule.
It’s not quite the same now but the general vibe is.
This issue with her father’s health is just another manipulation tool.
He’s a grown-ass man who could go to the doctor and figure out what’s going on.
Instead, he uses the stress his daughter is causing him as a tool to guilt her into doing what he wants.
That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.
It only took a couple of weeks for me to realize I love her more than anything.
And that’s the problem.
How much do I give before she rips my heart into shreds again? Every time her parents lay on a guilt trip, she capitulates.
I’m ready to give her a ring, make up for lost time.
Instead, I walked away.
I don’t know if that makes me the problem. I walked away last time too, despite there being very different circumstances. Self-preservation seems to be a theme for me, and that’s why I’m having doubts.
My friends all think I did the right thing—except Chloe. She’s the proverbial one percent. The one asking me if a few more months would have killed me? If my love is as conditional as Victoria’s parents’ love is. That was the thing that hit home.
Part of me wants to call her, reach out, because I didn’t do that last time.
But I’m not sure what the point is. Nothing has changed in the last few days, I’m sure of it, so it would be a simple case of me making sacrifices and her letting her parents continue to manipulate both of us.
The one thing I know for sure is that I can’t live that way.
“You’ve been pretty quiet,” Aiden says as we head into the hotel.
“Yeah. Have a lot on my mind.”
“Victoria.”
“Duh.”
“I almost lost Hana because I was stubborn,” he says. “You need to think about how it’s going to feel being without her—forever.”
“I am thinking about it,” I mutter, “and it sucks. But it will also suck if my whole life has to revolve around her father’s ridiculous rules. They’re meant to keep us apart as much as possible, and I assume, they think it will break us up.”
“And it worked.” His tone is neutral, but I can see by his expression that he’s almost disappointed in me.
“Just once, she has to step up for me the way I have for her. I offered to do pretty much anything to work on her father and she keeps putting me off.”
“You told me she was hurt that you didn’t fight for her the first time around. I get why you didn’t, but aren’t you doing now exactly what she thought you did then?”
“When does she fight for me?” I ask quietly. “Because love is supposed to be a two-way street. If she would just meet me in the middle…I don’t know.” I pause. “You think I should just suck it up and let her father jerk us around for an indefinite amount of time?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “You absolutely have to set some ground rules but she needs you to support her. For whatever reason, her parents know how to make her feel bad, so your job is to be a big enough man to let her figure that out on her own.”
“I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life fighting her parents. I’m not a bad guy. And I love her.”
“That’s what you need to show them.”
“But how? I tried and her dad was all bluster.”
“I don’t have all the answers, just the perspective of a man who almost lost the woman he loved because he was stubborn.”
“Yeah, but initially you thought she cheated. Isn’t that different?”
“I didn’t really believe that. I was just so scared about becoming a dad, and passing on my depression to a kid, I tried to convince myself that she was the problem. Luckily, you guys all knocked some sense into me. Now I’m returning the favor.”
“I have to think,” I say after a moment. “Take everything into consideration and figure out how much I can put up with, you know? I love her but last time her parents interfered in our relationship, I wound up losing almost everything. I’m not doing that again.”
“Totally understandable. And that’s where compromise comes in. I agree that you can’t be the one making all the sacrifices. At some point, she has to stand up to her parents. Otherwise, it’s not going to work. But you have to give her the chance.”
“I’ve given her so many and she mostly just asks for more time. When I tried to press her on how much time, she didn’t know.”
“The only one who can decide how much you’ll put up with is you.”
“I know.”
“Are you happier without her?”
“Do I seem happier?” I ask blandly.
“No, but you can be cranky even when you’re happy.”
I lift my middle finger as we get onto the elevator and he just laughs.
He’s given me a lot to think about.
I’m just so damn frustrated.
I’m about to open the door to my room when I hear my name. I turn to see Chloe and Jude walking down the hall hand-in-hand.
“Hey.” I nod in their direction.
“So, Victoria’s really not coming?” Chloe asks, wrinkling her nose.
“Nope.” I shake my head. “Her mom gave her this whole guilt trip thing about her dad’s blood pressure being high and she caved. Like she always does.”
“She was so excited,” she says in confusion. “We made all these plans…it must have been heartbreaking for her. But she does let her parents make her feel guilty.”
“I’m probably going to reach out when we get back,” I say. “I may have jumped the gun on the breakup, but she can’t keep doing this. It’s not healthy for her or for our relationship. It just feels too much like what happened last time. They’re going to break us up no matter what, if she lets them.”
“It makes sense,” Jude says. “You were protecting yourself. No one blames you for that.”
“I blame myself. I’m trying to be a better man. For her and for myself. But can you fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight at your side?”
“Maybe she just needs to know you’re willing to fight this time,” he says gently. “That could be the tipping point for her.”
“And what’s the tipping point for me?” I ask dryly.
“I think you already hit it,” Chloe says. “If nothing else, she now knows she has to make a choice. Even if it’s not exactly a choice, because you didn’t ask her to choose, she still has to see the writing on the wall.”
“Have you talked to her?” I ask.
“No. I worked seven twelve-hour shifts in a row so I could take the long weekend off, so I’ve been straight out. Juliet told me she wasn’t coming. I think they spoke briefly but we haven’t had a chance to catch up.”
“Well, let me know if you hear anything but the way it stands now, I’m going to go see her at work next week.
Maybe we can have dinner or something and talk.
I don’t want her to think I’m not willing to fight for her—she just has to give me a reason to want to.
Is that a dickish thing to say?” I glance at my friends, looking from one to the other.
“No.” Jude shakes his head. “It’s okay to want to protect yourself. It’s smart.”
“As long as you know you made every effort to make it work,” Chloe interjects. “Otherwise, you’ll spend the next four years second guessing yourself.”
I definitely don’t want that.
The last four years were tough enough without setting myself up for more indecision.
This time, I’m not letting her go without at least an in-person conversation.
I’d rather not make the same mistakes twice.
She means more to me than that. If I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with her, I have to be willing to hear her out.
And then, depending on what we decide, I’m going to have the conversation with her father I should have had four years ago.