19. Will
19
WILL
T he motel door clicks shut behind Stella, and I listen to her footsteps as she walks away. Part of me longs to follow her, but the other part of me is so angry at her for not telling me sooner.
Conflicting emotions fight for space in my heart. I feel for the adolescent Stella, passed from foster home to foster home, scared and heartbroken, wanting somewhere to belong.
It took all of my restraint not to go to her and fold her into my arms.
But I can’t overlook what she did. She dealt drugs. She sold drugs to people just like Cara. She could be responsible for the deaths of users. Users with families left heartbroken by their losses.
Since Cara’s overdose, I’ve been hard on my stance on drugs. There’s no place for them in this world, and dealers are scum. But Stella’s situation sounds like she’s a victim as well. A victim of a shitty system that left her broken and scared and with not many choices.
And if what she says is true, she wasn’t doing the dealing, just hanging around with a bad crowd and in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I run a hand through my wet hair and pull on the ends.
“Fuck.”
For the last ten years, since Cara died, I’ve campaigned for harsher penalties on drug dealers. I’ve donated to causes and given free legal aid for families who have lost someone to drugs.
How can I give my heart to someone who sits on the other side of that?
My clothes are on the floor where I left them last night, and I pull them on with a heavy heart. The bedsheets are crumpled, and I think back to our lovemaking last night. Only twelve hours ago I was the happiest man in the world. I had found Stella, and I finally felt anchored. Ready to bring her home and start our family.
Now I’m a man on his own again, on his one-man crusade against drugs.
I pull on my leather jacket and pick up the ring from the table.
No wonder she ran from Cleo’s. She knew I wouldn’t want to be with her when I learned the truth. And stupid fool that I am, I found her anyway.
I turn the ring over in my fingers. I can’t imagine the Stella I know doing all those things she told me about .
If she was a troubled youth off the rails, then she’s changed her life around. She works in a nursing home looking after vulnerable people. She volunteered for the War on Drugs street team.
People can change. She’s proven it.
Maybe some people do deserve a second chance. Maybe the answer isn’t tougher penalties but rehabilitation and education.
Stella made bad choices, and she’s paid for them. Does she need to keep paying for the rest of her life?
I take a steady breath as the emotions that have been fighting inside me settle into place.
There’s no excusing what Stella did. But there’s no denying my feelings for her. I love Stella, and I’m not giving up on her.
If she can change, I can change.
I grab my helmet and head for the door. I just hope I’m not too late to catch her this time.