31. Hannah
31
HANNAH
S tab. Pull. Stab. Pull. Stab. Pull.
There was something almost hypnotic about embroidery. The satisfying ping as the needle breached the drum-tight linen. Tugging the thread taut. Doing it over and over again. A single stitch added only a drop of color, but a thousand of them created something beautiful. I didn’t have to think or feel. My brain could be quiet. My heart could be numb. It didn’t matter. The design I created with needle and thread would still be beautiful in the end.
Stab. Pull. Stab. Pull. Stab. Pull .
“Hannah.”
Blinking at the sound of James’s concerned voice, I looked up and found my friends watching me. It was time for our weekly sewing club.
“Oh, you’re all here.” I pushed to my feet and then realized Janie had someone with her. “Who’s this? Does she want to embroider with us?”
“I’m babysitting for my parents. This is Maya.” Janie’s hand dropped to the girl’s shoulder. “Hannah can get you an embroidery project, or you can color or read a book.”
She must be Janie’s little sister. They looked exactly alike, with wavy red hair, brown eyes, and a sprinkle of freckles across their noses. Maya held up her coloring book. “I’m going to color.”
“Okay.” Janie watched Maya grab a floor pillow and take it to the far corner, where she proceeded to dump out a large plastic bag of crayons. Janie heaved a sigh full of rueful affection, plopped into a chair, and pulled out her embroidery project. “I’m not sure I want her to have access to something sharp and pointy anyway, so I brought activities to keep her busy.”
“Good,” Essie said. “Because the conversation we’re about to have is not fit for innocent ears.”
“What conversation is that?” James asked.
Essie smirked. “The one where Hannah tells us how many horses she saved riding Cowboy Zack.”
Hearing Zack’s name spoken out loud instead of being an endless echo inside my head caused me to push the needle too far and jab my own finger with it. “Shoot,” I muttered.
A small bead of blood swelled at the tip of my index finger like a shiny red balloon. I stared at it, remembering the small smear of blood Zack had kissed onto my wrist. He had looked at me like he never wanted to look away. The room turned blurry, and I hastily pushed to my feet.
“I’m going to clean this up in the bathroom,” I said, making a beeline for the door.
Chloe stood. “I’ll come with you.”
She followed me from the room and through the library stacks to the bathroom. By the time I bumped the door open with my hip, I had pulled myself together enough to say, “I’m fine. I’m just going to wash my hands and use a paper towel to stop the bleeding.”
That didn’t stop her from coming in with me. “Sure. But I wanted to talk to you about something.” She hesitated. “Zack.”
I ignored the little zing in my belly and concentrated on washing my hands. Apparently that was just something that happened now. Every time I heard his name, my body jerked to attention. How inconvenient.
“All right,” I said. “What is it?”
“He found me at Jo’s yesterday. He said he made you a promise, and he needed to keep it.” Chloe’s eyes met mine in the mirror. “I just thought you should know.”
“Oh.” I dried my hands on a paper towel while my brain raced. I looked down at my finger. The bleeding had stopped. “Did you…Were you able to help him? Is there someone who?—”
“I think you need to ask Zack that. I’m not his therapist, but I don’t feel comfortable giving you that kind of information without his consent.”
“Right. Of course.” Swallowing the lump in my throat, I pushed out of the bathroom with Chloe on my heels.
“Hannah—” Her gaze snagged on something behind me and her eyes narrowed to emerald slits. “No. Absolutely fucking not . Get the hell out of here, Steven.”
Stunned by the animosity in her tone, I whipped my head to see who she was talking to. The tall man wearing a tan Stetson looked vaguely familiar, but then again, most cowboys around here did.
The man scowled. “This isn’t the coffee shop, Chloe. You can’t kick me out just because you don’t like me.”
“Well, good news, dipshit. Because I don’t have to. James is here. How about I give Adam a call and let him know you’re in her vicinity?”
His scowl deepened. “I’m here for a book, not for her. I had no idea she was here. I’m not stalking her.”
Chloe arched a brow. “Cool. I’ll just let you explain that to Adam’s fist.”
Suddenly I realized who he was. Steven MacAllister. His employment at Lodestar Ranch had been cut short when he’d purposefully spooked a horse James was riding. James had ended up with a couple of bruised ribs, and Steven had ended up with a broken nose, courtesy of Adam.
“Jesus, Chloe. It was an accident. Why do you hate me so much? You don’t even know me.”
“I know you.” Her mouth twisted like she tasted something nasty as her eyes traveled from his dusty cowboy boots, up his Wrangler’s, and landed on his face. “You’re the guy who always comes in second and gets mad about it, because no one deserves first place more than you. If someone doesn’t laugh at your joke, it’s because they don’t have a sense of humor. Someone gets promoted over you, they must have cheated. A woman turns you down, she’s a bitch. The world never gives you everything you’re owed, and your list of grievances is long . It’s not fair, right? All of that should be yours. Because you’re such a nice guy .” She leaned in. “But guess what? No one owes you shit, and you’re trash.”
My gaze bounced anxiously between them. The rage arcing from their eyes was hot enough to start a wildfire.
“Listen,” I said, because if I didn’t say something , there was a good chance I’d be emptying my bank account for Chloe’s bail tonight, “the library is open to the public, and you, Steven, are the public. But I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest for you to be here right now. If you tell me the name of the book, I can put it on hold for you and you can pick it up tomorrow.”
“That won’t be necessary. I’m leaving.” He dragged his gaze from Chloe’s long enough to give me a brief nod. “Ma’am.”
With a last glare at Chloe, he turned toward the door—right as James, with Essie on her heels, came around the corner. James stopped so fast that Essie bumped right into her, her chin colliding with the crown of James’s head.
“James,” Steven rumbled. “I just—” He froze when her eyes widened. I couldn’t see his face, but his shoulders hitched up before lowering again. He cleared his throat. “I was just leaving.”
None of us said a word as he strode out of the library.
“What was Steven doing here?” James asked.
“Looking for a book, apparently.” Chloe snorted. “Like he can read.”
“Chloe,” I chided softly. Not that I harbored any good will toward the man, but it made me uncomfortable to poke fun at a person’s lack of intelligence. Maybe because so much of it had to do with parenting and being lucky with good teachers. Morals and manners, on the other hand, were fair game. I turned to James. “He wasn’t here to talk to you, don’t worry.”
“I was surprised to see him, that’s all. I’m not worried about Steven. I’m worried about you , Hannah.” She touched my arm gently. “What’s going on?”
“It’s because I said that thing about Zack, isn’t it?” Essie asked, her eyebrows pushed together in a worried frown. “Brax asked me if I knew anything, which I obviously took to mean he knew something , but then he weaseled out of telling me. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t upset me, Essie.” I chewed my lip as tears blurred my vision again . I wiped frantically under my glasses with the cuff of my sweater. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We weren’t even together that long, really.”
Essie’s expression went from worried to murderous. “I’m going to kill him,” she announced. “And I can do it, too. My brother showed me how.”
I laughed as I dabbed at my eyes. “Please don’t kill him. He’s really…” I didn’t have words for what he was. Wonderful? That about summed him up. “It wasn’t him. I ended it.”
“Why?” Essie still looked deeply suspicious. “What did he do? Did you find out he has half a dozen secret babies running around?”
“Essie!” James gave an exasperated huff and shook her head. “Don’t listen to her. Zack wouldn’t keep that kind of secret.” She stroked my arm. “Adam and Brax are his brothers, but we’re your friends. Whatever happened, we’re on your side.”
Chloe wrapped an arm around me from the other side. “You don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready, but it might help to talk it out.”
I rolled my lips and stared at my damp sweater cuff. “There’s nothing to tell, really. He said he loved me, so I thought it would be better if we went ahead and ended things.”
My words were met with heavy silence. I sniffled a little and wiped my eyes.
“I’m missing something,” Essie said finally. “Are you saying you don’t have those feelings for Zack? Was he pressuring you to say it before you were ready? Because that’s some high school bullshit we’re not going to put up with.”
“No, he didn’t pressure me. I—we—” I straightened my glasses, my spine, my mind. “It’s not love .”
“Huh.” Chloe took my hand and pointed at the spot where my tears had turned the cream-colored fabric to a muddy brown. “Then why are you crying?”
Then why are you crying, Hannah? Zack’s voice echoed in my brain.
My heart turned over in my chest. “I don’t know. I miss him, that’s all.”
James hesitated. “Is it possible it could be love? Someday, even if you don’t quite feel that way yet?”
“That’s not—I don’t know how to explain it.” I shook my head. “I know you don’t understand why I did it. Honestly, I don’t entirely understand it myself. It just felt so bad . So terrifying. I had to get out. It felt like life or death. I know that doesn’t make sense. I just…I was married once. A long time ago.”
“A long time ago? You’re not even thirty. It couldn’t have been that long ago,” Essie said.
“I was fourteen,” I said quietly.
Stunned silence ensued.
“Oh, shit ,” James whispered.
“We need beverages,” Essie announced. “ Now .”
Twenty minutes later, after Janie dropped Maya back at her parents’ house, we were ensconced in a booth at Shenanigans waiting for the first round of mimosas.
And then I told them all about it.