Chapter 13
Mia woke up feeling anxious. She remembered what had happened, but lying in bed she couldn't quite tell whether she'd been asleep or unconscious.
She sat up fast, felt a brief wave of dizziness that passed immediately, and took a moment to place the room—though figuring out which city she was in took a beat longer, which wasn't unusual for her.
When she reached for her phone to call Noah, she found Erin's handwritten note on top of the screen.
Her hand trembled in a way she couldn't explain when she picked it up; her pulse spiked for no reason, and the anxiety slammed into her chest all over again.
Seeing Erin's handwriting dragged her straight back to an hour or two earlier, lying on the floor of the rehearsal room with Erin beside her.
Mia shivered, because the way Erin had looked at her then—with that focused, quiet tenderness—had nothing to do with the usual detached indifference she got from her.
The tone of her voice, the way she'd whispered and spoken to her with an affection that didn't feel performed, made Mia exhale with something close to longing, without fully understanding which version of Erin Dooley was the real one: the cold, distant woman she saw most of the time, or the one who showed up whenever Mia collapsed.
She heard the front door of the suite open. At first she figured it might be room service, but then she remembered that Erin had a key card for every hotel they stayed in—and she was surprised to realize she could actually recognize her by the way she walked, by those quick, sure-footed steps.
"Hey, Dooley," she said when Erin came through the bedroom door.
Erin crossed to the bed and sat beside her, wrapping her fingers around Mia's wrist to check her pulse.
"I thought you'd sleep longer. How do you feel?" Erin asked.
"Fine. Still a little scared, I think." Mia smoothed her hair with one hand, restless.
"Yeah, you're running a little fast, but that's normal after what happened. Any dizziness? Any other symptoms?"
Mia shook her head.
"I'm fine. I got a bit dizzy sitting up so fast, but that also happens after I—" She stopped herself, and Erin narrowed her eyes.
"Yes, that can happen sometimes too," Erin confirmed.
Mia felt a sharp pull of pure need low in her body just hearing that. Her sharp tongue wanted to move—wanted to ask if the same thing happened to Erin, if she ever got dizzy after coming, because Mia wanted to know every single sensation this woman felt in bed—but she managed to hold it back.
"I guess," she murmured, clearing her throat.
"Want to try standing up? Let's see if you get dizzy."
Mia thought about it for a second. She was in her underwear beneath the sheet, and she wasn't sure if it was appropriate to let the doctor see her like that, whether Erin would be bothered or uncomfortable—but then she remembered that Erin and Nell had been the ones to undress her, so she'd already seen everything.
"Okay."
Erin shifted down toward the foot of the mattress and Mia sat up.
No dizziness, no symptoms at all. In fact she felt charged, not a trace of the weakness she'd had before.
What she did feel was a wild, uncontrolled excitement that took over simply from being in her underwear in front of Erin Dooley.
"Good?" Erin asked.
"Yeah, totally fine." Her voice came out rough and she had to swallow hard.
"Then get dressed while I call down for lunch. It's a little early, but you need to eat something and get your strength back."
"I'm actually pretty hungry," Mia admitted, "but I'm going to shower before I get dressed." She swung her legs off the bed.
Erin stood too and moved toward the nightstand on the other side of the room where the phone was.
"Leave the bathroom door open," she said before picking up the receiver.
Mia stopped dead in the middle of the room.
"What?"
"I won't come in, but I need it open in case you feel sick and I have to."
Mia balanced on one bare foot and pressed it down on the other, and Erin had to force her gaze away from Mia's body before she gave herself away—before Mia got the idea that she had some kind of interest in her.
Because Erin didn't. Or so she kept telling herself every time one of those intrusive thoughts cut through.
"Fine."
Twenty minutes later, Mia came out of the bathroom in joggers and a short-sleeve T-shirt.
It had been the strangest shower she'd ever taken, feeling like Erin's voice was skimming her naked skin every five minutes when she checked in to ask if everything was okay.
Erin must have been standing right outside the door, because Mia could hear her like she was inches away.
"I'm fresh as a daisy," Mia said before Erin could open her mouth. "You can stop asking."
Erin raised an eyebrow, then tilted her head toward the door. Out in the suite's living room, Mia found two plates and a dessert on the table, and across from them, a salad and a steak that were apparently for Erin.
"Do I get the pleasure of eating with you?" Mia asked, amused.
Erin simply sat down across from her.
"I want to stay with you for a bit after what happened. I need to assess how you're doing."
"Works for me. It'll be like a date. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've eaten with a beautiful woman?"
"You could always ask the woman from the other night, or any of the ones you—" Erin stopped when Mia looked at her with that crooked smile.
This time it had been Erin who couldn't hold her tongue, and what she regretted wasn't losing the battle—it was having said something that could easily read as jealousy. Because she wasn't jealous.
"You were going to say with all the women I sleep with?" Mia pounced, because if there was even one crack in this woman, she intended to slip through it.
"I wasn't going to say anything. Start eating, please."
"Yes you were." Mia held both utensils but didn't use them, far more interested in this conversation than in putting anything in her mouth. "You think I shouldn't sleep with strangers? That I'm some slut who takes advantage of her fans? Tell me, Dooley—I really want to hear your take."
"I'm not here to have opinions, Wilder."
"But I'm asking. I want to know. What do you think about how I handle my sex life?"
Erin looked at the piece of steak on her fork and thought she'd need to cut it smaller so it didn't get stuck in her suddenly dry throat.
"What I think is that you're a free woman who can do whatever she wants with her body, whenever she wants."
"Mmm. Interesting." Mia's voice dropped low and slow. "And you? What do you do with yours? Is there a guy somewhere? A woman?"
"My sex life is my own business. Now eat," Erin said, not wanting to touch this subject with Mia—but Mia looked delighted.
"Come on, why can't you tell me? Are you seeing someone?"
Mia already had a pretty good idea of the answer, because Violette had mentioned Erin was single when she'd looked into her—and if she were with someone, she'd probably get calls. Mia spent a lot of hours with Erin during the day and had never once seen her use her phone.
"I'm not seeing anyone. Now eat—"
"Have you ever been with women?" she cut in before Erin could shut the conversation down.
"Why is that relevant to you, Wilder?"
"It matters to me. And I also want to know why I'm not Mia anymore and I'm back to Wilder, or why you're back to being sharp and completely unreachable. What's different between the me right now and the me lying on the floor?"
Erin hadn't expected the questions and she froze. Mia hadn't planned them either, but she couldn't stand the way the doctor was warm with her sometimes and cold the rest of the time.
"Too many questions," Erin said, putting a piece of steak in her mouth.
"You don't have to answer them all at once—you can take them one at a time. But please answer." Mia wasn't letting go.
"I don't see any reason why I should."
"God, Erin." Mia let out a frustrated breath.
"Why can't you? What's wrong with them? I know you're not interested in me and I'm not even asking to be your friend, because I don't want that either.
" Erin exhaled. "But we spend a lot of time together, and I think I have the right to know some things that actually affect me. "
"Whether or not I sleep with women is none of your business."
Mia took that in the best she could, because she couldn't argue with it.
"Fine, don't tell me that if you don't want to. But the other thing—yes, because that affects me directly. I'm the one you treat warmly sometimes and with this ridiculous coldness the rest of the time." She pointed at her with her fork, frustrated.
"You're right, it does affect you. And the answer is that I treat you the way I think you need in any given moment."
Mia frowned, confused.
"I don't understand that."
"Your memory can get foggy when you're on the edge of a blackout, but you get very scared, and I need to ground you so you calm down."
Mia's throat tightened and she cursed herself for asking.
"So you're just faking it? It's a role you play?"
Erin ran her tongue over her teeth, uncomfortable.
"Can we drop this, please?"
"No, because I don't get it." Mia didn't want Erin's honesty to get to her, but it had, and she felt a dull pressure in her chest she didn't know what to do with. "By your logic, you treat me the way you think I need. Do I need you to be cold with me the rest of the time? What the hell is that?"
"I'm not discussing this anymore, Wilder—"
"My name is Mia," she cut in. "If you're only going to use it when I'm about to pass out, don't bother—call me Wilder all the time, and stop acting like you actually care. I don't need your condescension."
Mia stood up and Erin did too, stepping into her path when Mia tried to head back to the bedroom. The girl with lavender hair nearly walked straight into her, but she pushed down whatever she felt at the collision and tried to go around her.
"Wait—" Erin caught her by the arm.
Mia looked up at her and clenched her jaw, her first thought being that she wanted to rise up on her toes and kiss her.
"What?"
"I'm not going to apologize for doing my job, and I'll act however I think is best for you.
" Mia dropped her gaze, because for one second she'd let herself imagine Erin apologizing, saying her name again, softening that dry tone she always seemed to have for her—but Erin didn't give an inch, and Mia understood there was no crack to slip through, because Erin Dooley was a wall built exactly to keep out people like her. "Sit down and finish eating, please."
Mia's blue eyes didn't lift once. She stood still for a moment, staring at Erin's shoulders, and decided her pride was worth more than this.
"Fine," she said, and turned back to the table.
Erin let go of her arm and stayed where she was, watching Mia sit back down and start eating without once looking up from her plate.
She felt uncomfortable with herself right now, unsure whether everything she'd just said was actually true or just what she'd needed to say to protect herself from what she was starting to feel for Mia Wilder—a woman she knew she couldn't let herself feel anything for.
She didn't sit back down at the table, and Mia didn't ask her to, and the silence between them turned almost unbearable.
"I'm going to talk to Noah about canceling this afternoon's sound check," Erin said when Mia finished eating. "No training session either. You're taking the rest of the day to rest, and tomorrow we'll adjust your schedule depending on how you feel when you wake up."
"Great. Do whatever you want," Mia said without turning around.
"I'll check on you before dinner." Erin turned and walked out of the suite.
Mia didn't move when she heard the door close. She just sat there, staring at her empty plate, trying to push back that pressure in her chest.