Chapter 25
"How long have you been waiting?" Nell asks when she comes down to the lobby and finds Erin sitting on the enormous sofas by the front window.
"Not long," the doctor replies, getting to her feet. "Where are we going?"
"Around." Nell shrugs. "A walk through the city. You need to make the most of it, honey — get to know every place you set foot in, in case you never come back. How many times have you left the hotels since you've been with us for anything other than looking after Mia?"
Erin touches her hair, then makes a face, twisting her lips to one side.
"None."
"Well, that ends today. I'm never going to retire at this rate — it's clear you need my help learning how to actually live," she jokes, and Erin feels a flutter of anxiety in the center of her chest, because she knows it's true, that she's spent her whole life not really living.
But that flutter isn't as uncomfortable as it was a few weeks ago, because even though she still has a long way to go, she's at least made the decision to put herself first — and that's a very big step for her.
They cross the lobby and push through the door, and the moment they step onto the sidewalk they run straight into Lexie, who looks like she's in a hurry.
"What are you doing here?" Erin asks when they greet each other.
"I have a meeting with the press coordinator to pick up my credentials for the Washington show, and on my way over I got the message confirming Mia will attend the awards ceremony," she answers, frustrated.
"And that's a bad thing?" Nell asks.
"Not for her," Lexie says with a smile, "but for us on the press side it's complicated — at this point it's going to be hard to get credentials to cover the event from inside."
"I'll talk to Noah and see if he can do something, or to Mia," Erin offers.
"Really?" Lexie looks surprised.
"Yeah, I can try."
"I appreciate that." The journalist gives her arm a squeeze and flashes her a genuine smile, and Erin realizes Lexie has understood — without needing it spelled out — that what happened between them won't happen again, that she's okay with it, and that they'll probably be able to keep things friendly and even grab a drink now and then.
"I'll let you go — I'm running out of time. "
Lexie disappears into the hotel and Erin falls into step beside Nell, who looks left and right as she decides which way to go.
"Can I ask you something?" Nell puts on her sunglasses and decides they're crossing.
"You're going to anyway."
The woman smiles.
"How did things end between you and Lexie?" She stops abruptly and turns to Erin. "Do you realize every woman on this tour is crazy about you?"
Erin laughs.
"I think 'crazy about me' is a stretch. Lexie just wants the same thing I wanted at the time — to have a good time."
"And if you don't want to have a good time with her, who do you want to have it with?"
Erin steps aside to let two women pass who are taking up the whole sidewalk, then falls back into step beside Nell, who glances at her sideways.
"Have you slept together yet? You and Mia."
The laugh comes out through her nose. If someone had asked her that two months ago she would've been surprised, maybe even uncomfortable — but she's gotten to know Nell pretty well by now, and she knows the woman is direct and doesn't beat around the bush.
"No, not yet."
"But you want to," Nell says, eyes fixed on a shop window where they've just stopped.
"Yeah."
The woman turns and gives her a gentle pat on the back before walking on.
"I talked to Brooke."
Just then they pass a coffee shop whose smell stops them both in their tracks.
"Tell me over coffee." Nell takes her by the arm and they go in, and Erin orders two chocolate donuts, which makes Nell's eyes go wide. "Where do you put all those calories?"
"I burn them at the gym."
Nell nods and blows on her latte before taking a sip.
"Okay, tell me."
"There's not much to tell. She found out I was on Mia's tour and asked me to set it up so she could meet her — and obviously, to pay for her travel wherever that might be."
The woman shakes her head slowly, taken aback by the sheer nerve of Erin's sister.
"Are you going to do it? Are you going to give her that too?"
"No." Erin starts on her second donut and suddenly thinks of the four Barry inhaled the last time she saw him, and smiles to herself. "I told her it's over — that she can call me to check in, but not to ask for things," the doctor sums up.
"Good for you, Erin," Nell says, clapping her hands.
"I know it's hard, but it's the right call.
From what you've told me, your sister is the kind of toxic person who drains you — energy and money both," she adds, spreading strawberry jam on her toast. "We only get one life, sweetheart, and we need to spend it around people who add something to it, or at the very least don't take anything away. "
Erin leans back in her chair, finishing her last bite.
"I'm going to try to help Lexie get credentials for the gala, and I'm not going to help my sister meet her favorite singer," she says, thinking out loud.
"The difference between the two is that Lexie didn't ask you — you offered because you wanted to, because for some reason you feel like she's earned it.
Your sister, well… we both know that girl has no limits unless you're the one setting them.
She'll grow up eventually, Erin, or she won't — but that won't be on you anymore.
She's an adult; her choices are hers to make. "
"Thank you, Nell — for everything, in general. You've helped me open my eyes, helped me do something I should've done a long time ago."
"A long time ago you probably weren't ready," says the tour's production director. "You are now, and that's what matters. Everyone does things when they feel strong enough to do them, when the moment comes — even if sometimes it feels like it took longer than we would've liked."
Erin loves spending time with this woman, and she can't help wondering what she would've been like if she'd had a mother like Nell.
"Do you have kids?" she asks, curious.
"Me? God, no. No, thank you."
Erin bursts out laughing.
"I have nothing against them — I actually love kids — but one of my own?
I'm pretty sure my marriage would've ended.
I love this life, moving from city to city, and if I'd had to give it up to raise a child, I would've become so unbearable my husband would've left me. What about you? You've still got time."
"Not a chance — Brooke was more than enough."
They both crack up, and Erin pulls out her phone when it buzzes in her pocket. She swipes down from the top and sees it's a message from Mia.
Mia Wilder
How are you? Did you call her?
Erin smiles and types back.
Erin Dooley
Yeah, all good. I'm out having second breakfast with Nell. Have fun.
Mia sends back a smiling face and a heart on fire.
"Am I witnessing a love scene?" Nell asks calmly.
Erin's heart does a little flip and she feels her face go warm all at once.
"I never imagined I'd feel this way about someone," she admits, and raises her hand because she needs another donut.
"That's how it goes — it shows up out of nowhere, or sometimes it's been there from the start and we're the ones who refuse to see it."
Nell's words make the doctor go quiet, and she sits there looking at the donut they've just set in front of her.
The first memory lodged in her mind is Mia's blue eyes watching her from the gurney.
That image has followed her ever since, and she comes to the conclusion that it was the first sign — that Mia had already started something in her that same night, and that she spent the weeks after denying herself something she wanted too.
She doesn't know if she did it because she kept telling herself Mia only wanted one thing from her, or because she was so used to being invisible to everyone that she couldn't imagine the singer having any real interest in her.
"What are you thinking about?" Nell asks.
Erin shrugs; she doesn't want to admit that she feels insecure, that she wants this and is terrified all at once because she doesn't know what comes next.
"I don't know if I fit into Mia's world," she finally says. "When the tour ends I'll go back to New York, and she says she'll be there for a while resting, but after that she'll start moving again and…"
"Erin," Nell raises a hand, "it's not about you adapting to her life or her adapting to yours — that doesn't work.
If you want to be together, what you have to do is figure out how to build a new life between the two of you.
One that feels right for both of you — that's all.
Sometimes it's hard, and other times it's easier than it seems, but what matters is that you both want to do it. That's already half the work."
"Have you ever thought about becoming a life coach or something?" Erin teases.
"Don't give me ideas or I'll start charging you for my wisdom."
Erin's laugh is deep and sudden — the kind that leaves you completely relaxed.
"I'd happily pay," she says, raising her hand to ask for the check, "but for now I'll just pay for breakfast."
"Good girl," Nell murmurs.