Chapter 42
CHAPTER
FORTY-TWO
WILDE
I can barely think with the relief rushing through me. No Sutton, no tearing a man apart, just me and Hudson and him looking at me like he did the other night.
Unlike then, I’m not scared. Not after how panicked I was over letting him slip through my fingers.
Ever since we met, Hudson was there . An irritating problem that needed to be solved. A roadblock to my happiness. A trailing annoyance, a pretty face, a curious personality, and finally, a persistent needle to my attraction.
I’d taken his presence for granted and assumed I’d always have it.
“I need you to say it though.” He’s projecting a vulnerability I never would have thought existed inside him, and it’s making my hands itch to reach out and cup his face.
I keep them planted where they are, gripping the wood tighter, willing my heart to stop beating out of my fucking chest so that I can concentrate .
I can’t fuck this up again.
“I’m a mess.”
“Okay …”
“Emotionally, I don’t think I have a lot to offer someone, not that I’ve ever actually tried. See …” My throat tries to fold over the words, I hate them so much. I hate being here, out of my safety net, giving Hudson my harness and trusting him with it.
But if he needs words, he’s going to get them all.
“When I was seventeen, my whole world ended.”
Hudson steps aside, pulling the door wider to let me past, and I take the offer without question. The apartment is bigger than my whole house, but I ignore it all, turning my back on the view and focusing on the only thing I currently care about.
“Tell me,” he whispers, and I turn my arm over so the jagged scar is between us.
“My brother and I were in a band. It was getting popular really quickly, so we were in LA after signing a big contract for a lot of money. We started recording and through that met a few people … There was a party, and even though I was only seventeen, I … I got fucking wasted.” Tears haunt my eyes, but I refuse to let them build.
“I don’t remember much other than Kyran putting me in a car and getting behind the wheel.
I don’t know what he was fucking thinking … ”
Hudson’s hand wraps around mine, a shocking warmth pulling me from the blistering cold of my memories. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“I know.” I squeeze my eyes closed and bury the emotion right down. He hardly knew how to drive, and on unfamiliar roads, in the dark, going almost twenty over with coke in his system … “He was sixteen” is all I can say.
My little brother didn’t deserve that. If I’m honest with myself, neither did I.
Our parents kept pushing us to do more, go further, and I think they thought they were being supportive.
But as soon as we lost Kyran, I might as well have been dead to them, too, with how lost they became.
My whole family disappeared in the blink of an accident.
Hudson’s green eyes have the sheen of tears. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.” A time when I was a completely different person to the one I am now. I don’t recognize my younger self anymore, but that kid who ran away from LA, who got stranded in Old End and decided to never leave … he’s still buried deep beneath where I can reach him anymore.
“If that was Kenny or Hart … no amount of time would be long enough.”
Given how it feels like I’ve ripped my heart open again, he has a point. “I’ve disconnected from it all. Or, tried to. I changed my life, changed my name?—”
“What was your name?”
“Kurt. Blackwood. I named myself after Wilde’s End, because I really thought that living there was the end for me.”
“Kurt …”
The name doesn’t feel the way it used to.
“It’s Wilde. Just Wilde. All I’m trying to say is that for the last twenty years, I’ve trained myself to ignore my emotions.
Feeling anything brings it all back again.
I can’t feel happiness without guilt. Can’t feel pride without pain.
Can’t look at you and feel everything I want to feel without remembering that he never got that chance to experience it.
I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t know how to tell you what I want because I stopped wanting a long time ago.
But … all I know is that the second I came to find you and heard you’d left, it felt like something inside me died.
You belong in the End, and I think you might belong with me. ”
“I told you that I’m not the romantic type,” Hudson says, letting go of my hand to cup my face like I wanted to do to him.
“I don’t need the grand gestures. I don’t need you showering me in affection or going on and on about feelings.
All I need is to know that I’m worth something to you.
Because I’ve never been worth something to anyone. ”
The way he can say that and believe it is almost too much for me.
When I look at Hudson, he gives me this overwhelming impression of life.
There’s fire burning in his soul that draws me in, and I can’t stay away.
Not from his teasing or his laughter or his determination to succeed even in the things I don’t want him to.
That fire burns so brightly I swear I feel it inside me sometimes, and if Hudson can bring even my dead soul back to life, he’s worth everything.
Slowly, like I’m almost scared how he’ll react, I turn my head and press my lips to his palm.
“Come back with me,” I whisper. “I can’t make you any promises other than I want to try.
You deserve the world, and I can’t give you that, but I can give you my world.
Because it’s been centering around you since the day we met. ”
It feels like I’m holding my breath as I wait for him to answer, as he searches my eyes in that way he loves to do, and I can only hope that they show how serious I am. How, if he refused, I don’t think that I could ever recover.
“Okay,” he agrees. “But first, I need you to come with me.”
He leads the way down a short hall, and I trail behind him like he’s got me on a leash. If Hudson calls for me, I’m there, and this is no different.
He steps into a bedroom, and as soon as I’m inside, he closes the door and pushes me up against it.
His lips meet mine, warm and consuming, and I melt into his kiss.
Everything I’ve kept bottled up in my chest rattles to break free as I let myself be in the moment, where it’s him and me, and everything else can wait.
I reach up to cradle his head, soft strands of hair slipping through my fingers.
Hudson’s tongue brushes mine, and I answer him back with intensity.
He kisses like he lives: no restraint, all passion, in a way that drives me out of my mind.
My cock is thickening with every passing moment, but I don’t want to let him out of my grip. This moment is fleeting and precious, and while I’d love to believe it’s the start of so many more, we have a long way to go yet.
“Bed,” he mutters, pulling me along with him, mouth still locked to mine.
We stumble across his room, losing items of clothing as we go.
When I’m naked, Hudson slows, and his gaze drops to my torso.
The searing heat from his stare sets off the usual discomfort at having someone’s sole attention, but I’m unprepared for how deep it gets when he reaches up and runs his thumb over one of my scars.
“What are you doing?”
He doesn’t answer. His fingers skim further over my torso, lingering on old scars and tracing the remainder of memories I’ve run from for so long. He leans in, lips dusting over my shoulder, and I can barely breathe, let alone react to him.
“Your skin healed,” he breathes, lips drifting to my throat. “Now I’m going to spend the rest of my life helping to heal the scars inside you as well.”
“Hudson …”
“It’s okay.” He pulls me close. “You don’t need to think about any of that yet. I’ve got you.”
Hudson’s naked body pressed to mine is a familiarity I’ll never get sick of, and when we reach the bed and he drops backward onto it, I’m quick to crawl over him.
My mouth seals to his again as I run a hand over his chest. Soft blond hairs that are growing back tickle my palm, and I pause to run my thumb over his nipple. The deep groan, the way it hardens under my touch, I’ll never get enough of Hudson and how he responds to me.
His hips tilt up to meet mine.
“I’m going to need you to put me out of my misery here,” he says, hands cording through my hair. “Thinking this was over has only made me need it more.”
It’s like he’s plucked the thoughts from my mind. This intensity is nothing new for us, but it has taken on a new edge. Like our bodies are desperate to make us deliver on all the words we gave each other.
I dip my head to taste his neck, and Hudson arches to meet me.
“Fuck, yes,” he rasps, that scratchy tone bleeding into his words and making my balls heavy. The sweet scent is almost overpowering, but I breathe every little bit in, trying not to focus on how I almost lost it and focusing on how I get to keep it instead.
Every moan, every sigh, every rock of his hips against mine as I drag open-mouthed kisses down his neck to his shoulder, then from his shoulder to the nipple I’m neglecting.
I grip it between my teeth, tongue flicking over the hardened peak before I suck the whole thing into my mouth. Hudson’s so fucking perfect, the way he’s writhing under me, uncomfortably hard, dick brushing mine with every upward thrust of his hips.
The urge to grind down against him until we both come is strong, but I want something else tonight. Something I’ve only ever used my fingers for and am ready to make happen.
“You know,” I say, pulling back to flick my tongue over him again before sinking down between his legs. “I really want this …” I suck his cock down to the back of my throat before releasing it. “In my ass.”
Hudson’s eyes snap open. “Yeah? ”
“If you want to.”
“So, so much.” He points beside the bed. “Lube is in there.”
I reach for the drawer, pulling out lube and a condom that I drop onto the bed beside us, and then I hesitate before looking back at him. “I’ve never done it before. So be gentle, okay?”
The way he looks at me makes me worried he might try to talk me out of it or say something sweet or give me more than I’m ready for, but it only takes a moment for that to pass, and then Hudson tucks his hands back behind his head.
“You’re in control here.” He thrusts his hips obscenely. “It’s ready when you are.”
He’s not lying. His cock is hard and flushed red, still shiny at the tip from my spit. Having him in my mouth feels so right, and I can only hope it’s the same when I ride him.
I cover my fingers with lube, then lean in and kiss him again while I soften my hole.
There’s nothing like a good jerk-off in the shower while I ride my fingers, so I’m assuming this will be a thousand times better.
To be stretched around him, to know that I’m making him feel good, to bring us both to release in the closest way possible, I want that. Fucking desperately.
I swallow my grunt as I slip a finger inside.
“Tell me what you’re doing,” he murmurs against my lips.
I ignore the request. I’m not sure I could give voice to these thoughts if I wanted to.
His lips curl upward against mine. “Let me guess … you’re fingering that sexy hole?”
Lust curls into my gut, and it would be easy enough to say yes, but I can’t bring myself to. He skims his cock against mine again, sending a rush of nerves to my balls, which loosens me enough to add a second finger.
“How many have you got in there?” he asks. “One? Two? You’ve got such thick fingers, I’m almost jealous that I’m not the one taking them.”
I can’t play along with this game, not when words are my weakness and he’s turning me on too badly to think, but I can give him something. “Two.”
“Two …” His lips brush mine. “Bet you could take three. Bet three would get your hole nice and loose to sink my cock into. I could almost blow, thinking about how warm and snug you’ll feel.”
The arm I’m leaning my weight on shakes with the desire sinking deep in my gut, and even if I’m not ready yet, I try a third finger. I take it slow, letting myself adjust around it, the lube making it easier but not at all easy.
“Hey …” Hudson whispers. “It’s okay. You’ve got it. Just focus on me and breathe.”
“I am breathing.”
He actually laughs at me. “Breathe better , then. Relax. I know that’s a hard thing for you to understand, but it really does make it so much easier.”
I’m glaring at him out of instinct, but it only pulls his smile wider. And when he looks at me like that, it’s hard to even pretend to be mad.
I relax.
The three fingers sink to my knuckles.
“Fine. Maybe you know what you’re talking about.”
“Pro cock rider. Don’t worry, I’ll teach you everything you need to know.”
My lips meet his softly, because with him, I’m not worried at all. At least not about sex. What comes next beyond the sex is completely unknown, but I refuse to get ahead of myself. I’ve only just been able to admit that I don’t hate the man, so it’s going to take me some time .
But looking down at him while he gazes up at me, hatred is the last thing on my mind.
Hudson’s making me feel again. Like he’s released a wind-up car, tension snapping and propelling us toward this moment.
“You good?” he asks.
“I’m ready.”