Chapter Nineteen #2
“Exactly! You didn’t do it on purpose, right?”
“Of course not! But I still hurt you! You could have died—”
“I didn’t. Your mum said I’m almost fully healed.”
“That doesn’t change what you went through. Because of me.”
“Will—”
“You recover from this, and then what? What could possibly make up for almost killing you, Fliss?”
There’s barely a breath of distance between us and it wipes my mind blank.
“I—I—” I stammer, incapable of finding the words.
The flutters in my stomach dance against the bandages.
He’s as close as he was that day on the coastal road home from Mithian.
He’s right there, warm breath and searching eyes.
Desperate for an answer. He should be able to see it on my face.
Surely. He must know what I want. Who I want.
How I want him to shut up and kiss me and forget this whole ordeal.
His eyes fall to my mouth. I watch him swallow.
Watch his eyelashes flutter. My heart pounds in my ears and oh my gods, please, finally—
I catch the exact moment he decides against it. There’s the barest twitch between his eyebrows, a flicker of hesitation, of…fear.
Willoh Vane steps away.
The disappointment is a plunge into an ice-cold lake.
He leans on his hip and that ridiculous mask of sarcasm takes over.
“I suppose it was only a matter of time. I have quite the track record of destruction,” he says, but he doesn’t sound so confident this time. I think he really believes it.
“Will…”
“You’re about to tell me that’s not true, aren’t you?”
“It’s not.”
“Just because you think something is true, doesn’t make it true for everyone, Fliss. You told me that you’re able to voice your opinion. This is one of those times. I mean, look at the facts. You, Bash, Pigeon…all of you and more have ended up hurt because of me.”
A hazy memory knocks at the edge of my mind, and I screw my face up in concentration, determined to remember. Bash stilling the guards and holding Card back. A rush of wind and the night sky. A lot of the past week is a jumbled blur but…
“Wait. Bash let you go. He let you bring me here.”
“Yeah,” Will scoffs. “Probably the first sensible thing he’s done in years.”
The words pour out through the gaps in my memory. “No. He knew it was the right call to make. Deep down he still trusts you. He knows you’re a good person at heart and was confident you’d do the right thing to save me.”
Will starts to shrug but freezes the same moment I do. He stares, wide-eyed, at the fact. At the truth.
“Oh my gods,” I exhale. “Will, see! This is what I’m trying to tell you! Even Bash doesn’t think you’re completely at fault! That’s the truth.”
Will turns toward the horse to hide his expression and pats Jeremy’s nose without a reply.
There’s a weight to the air, a deep hurt that has him guarded and distant.
After so long apart, having one minuscule moment of reprieve with Bash, one hint of the friendship that once was, gods…
I can’t imagine how confusing that must be.
It sinks in that this is how Will copes.
He hides behind magical wards to avoid the pain and guilt.
Covers them up with jokes and smirks. Only lets his feelings show when he’s here, alone, with animals that won’t abandon him.
The loneliness after falling out with Bash must have been suffocating.
Then to lose his dad shortly after…He’s convinced himself that he’s going to lose me too.
“If you’re feeling better, you should go home,” Will says.
What?
“Why would I do that? I’m safe here.”
“I can contact Pigeon and get her to escort you back. There are plenty of supplies, and you can just say you don’t remember what happened. I’m sure that’ll be true in some way.”
No. No, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave things like this. He can’t push me away and hide in here forever. I won’t allow it. I won’t do it.
“I want to stay.”
“It’s for the best. Besides, the wedding is really soon, right? Cardamine will be wanting his maid of honor back.”
But how soon? The wedding was in just under two weeks before I was injured, so if I was in the castle for five nights…then asleep here for two…and this is the third day I’ve been awake, then that makes the wedding—oh my gods, it’s in two days. The day after tomorrow. Card must be freaking out.
“Will—” I say.
“I need to get cleaned up. I’ll pack up some medicine for you to take home afterward.”
He adjusts a bucket of horse feed and strides out of the stables.
In the silence that remains, Jeremy nudges my shoulder with his nose.
I rest my fingers on the soft bristles of his neck and sigh.
If I go back to the citadel while things are still so fresh, I don’t know how I could explain everything.
I’m pretty sure breaking a fugitive out of the dungeons is a crime, and my curse won’t allow me to feign ignorance.
Even if Bash let us go, he’ll be wary. He’ll want to know the details.
As will the queen. There’s nothing for me there but stomach-churning questions upon questions that I don’t want to answer.
I stroke Jeremy’s mane and chew on my lip.
There’s an unease in my chest like I’ve forgotten something.
A fog is draped over me and the shadows in the mist have their teeth bared, waiting for the curtain to be pulled back.
My brain must be feeling bruised from all the adrenaline, that’s all…
. Aside from that last moment of our escape, all other conscious memories of my time in the physician’s room have vanished without a trace.
I don’t remember a single second. Probably for the best…
right? Maybe if I try hard enough, I can convince myself it didn’t happen at all.
No good can come of looking back. I can only look forward.
To the future, to Will, and make him see that he is worthy of being loved.
I have a good idea of how to do that, but it’ll be the most nerve-racking truth I’ve told so far.