34. JT
Chapter thirty-four
JT
“Here we are!” I say, pulling Lila to a stop directly in front of the two bar stools we sat on last October. I’m excited about our date tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever planned an actual date, and I spent way too much time trying to make this one perfect. Sam was a big help. He took his role seriously in coordinating it all, but I don’t think he appreciated how many times I texted him confirming various portions of the night.
“It’s drinks and dinner—not a choreographed flash mob with a carriage arriving at the end.” His words, not mine.
I’m just trying to embrace my main-character-in-a-romance-novel energy. They always go all-out for the first date.
I knew I wanted to recreate our last time in Vegas, but it turns out that night holds a disproportionate amount of space in my head for the time that we spent together. So, at Sam’s recommendation, I added in dinner at the steakhouse that’s next door to our bar. Yes, our bar.
“Are you going to call me a demon just to get us kicked off the right way?” Lila asks as she slides her small frame into the seat she occupied last time.
“Hmm,” I say as I lean in and kiss her on the cheek. “Well, that little black dress is most certainly sinful.”
“All the better to tempt you with, my dear.”
I slide into my seat and take in the three-inch heels she had slipped her feet into before we left our room. “And those heels were likely invented by the Devil himself.”
“All the better to torture you with, my dear.”
I laugh. “Are you the big bad wolf now?” I ask, but she just shakes her head, giggling at her own joke.
“But, no, you’re most certainly not a demon.” I lean in and press a light kiss to her mouth, my hand running up the smooth expanse of her leg. I stop before I reach an inappropriate height for a bar, even if it is a Vegas bar. “You look like a goddamn angel and taste like you were sent down from Heaven just for me.”
“But, if I'm a goddamned angel, doesn't that still make me a demon?” she asks, as if she’s unraveling the logic of a fallen angel.
“Well, you’re mine, whatever you are.”
Calling Lila mine is quickly becoming one of my favorite hobbies. Not only does it calm the pacing beast inside of me who wants nothing more than to be with her constantly, but it also makes her face light up like I just gave her the best present imaginable. I love the way the gold flakes in her green eyes sparkle and her lips pull into a wide grin, even when she’s trying to fight it.
“Tell me about your round today,” she prompts, turning her body toward me and grabbing my hand. I appreciate that she cares enough to ask me for my thoughts rather than diving into what she thinks I should do differently.
I tell her about how nice it feels to finally be playing well again, though I don’t tell her my suspicion that it’s due to her being in my life. I wouldn’t want to put that kind of pressure on her. I know I’m responsible for my own game, even if the fates seem to be telling me otherwise. Though, to be fair, she just pulls me out of my head. When I stand at the tee box, ready to hit my first shot, I’m focused on my game, but I’m not overly focused on it because the thoughts of Lila are cocooning my mind, keeping the worry and anxiety from spreading too far.
I had a great opening round this morning, and I’m looking forward to the next few days, especially since I get to hang out with Lila each night.
“I’m really excited to get to watch you play tomorrow,” Lila says.
“I’m not in your brother’s group, so if you want to watch him instead, it’s no big deal.” I’d been looking forward to having Lila come watch me play, so I was a little disappointed when she had to stay at the hotel and work the last two days, but I also understand how important her job is to her. And, since her brother is playing too, I realized she may not choose to follow my group.
“What if I want to watch you?” she asks.
“I would love it. I just don’t want you to feel obligated to.”
Lila rubs her thumb over mine, taking a sip of her drink before she says, “I love supporting my brother, but I’m an adult. I can look at my options and make the decision that’s best for me and my emotions. You are not responsible for the emotions of others.”
“I know, but I feel like us dating has put you in an awkward place, and I’d never want you to feel like you have to choose between us.”
“And I don’t. The truth is golf is not the most exciting thing I’ve ever watched. So it’ll be nice to care about more than one golfer there.”
“You never cared how I did before?” I ask, and regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Of course she didn’t.
She raises a black eyebrow. “Are we talking about our past now, JT?”
“Um, yes? I forgot to add it to the agenda for the evening but—” I stop, a text message from Sam coming through to remind me to head to our dinner reservations. “Oh, shoot. We need to head to dinner. Our reservations are in two minutes.”
“Dang. I need to get myself a PA. I would never be late for anything again.”
I signal for the bartender to bring me our check and chuckle at Lila. “You don’t really have a tardiness issue right now. You’re always early to work.”
“I don’t like being late. Plus, that’s when I was trying to escape the tension in the house. Now that I’ve got a reason to stick around…” She trails off.
“What?” I ask, before signing the check and grabbing her hand to walk across the casino to the restaurant.
“I just realized I don’t know where you’re going to be after this weekend. I mean, I logically knew you were only in Wild Bluffs until after this weekend, but I guess it never really clicked that you likely wouldn’t be with me in Wild Bluffs. It sounds stupid when I say it like that.”
We arrive at the hostess stand just as Lila finishes her thought, and I follow the two women, both dressed in head-to-toe black—though in very different levels of sexiness—to the table in the back of the restaurant. Lila slides into her seat gracefully and immediately opens her menu to begin scanning it. I think she’s trying to hide her face from my sight, but the thing is, I’ve also put zero thought into where I’m going after this. Back to my house in California, I guess. I’d always planned on going home after this weekend, but now that house no longer feels like home to me. The corner room in Jameo’s house feels like home.
“I don’t have plans for after this weekend. I…I just assumed I would be flying home with you, Jameo, and Bryn. But”—I search the ceiling as if the answers might be written up there—“I didn’t put any thought into it. Sam might’ve worked with Cathy to figure it out so you all are using Jameo’s plane instead of mine.” My heart is beating too quickly, and my palms are sweaty as I hold on to my menu like it has the solution I need written in it.
“It’s okay, JT,” Lila says.
“Yeah. Of course. It’s not a problem. I just don’t know if we’ll be living in the same place or across the country from each other, but it’s okay. I’m sure it’ll be okay.”
I feel Lila place her hand on my leg and realize it’s been bouncing up and down too.
“JT, look at me,” she says, her voice a soothing tone I’ve never heard before. I force my eyes to hers, but the guilt continues to gnaw at my stomach. How are we supposed to do this when I’m gone all the time for work, and even when I’m home I’m in a different state? I wasn’t sure I could do this before, what could possibly make me think I could do a long-distance relationship as my first one?
She chuckles a little. “Did you not realize when you asked me to date you that your house is in California?” I know she’s trying to lighten the mood, but I’m spiraling here, and while I know how ridiculous it sounds, no, I did not put those pieces of information I knew together in such a way.
“No,” I say. “Somehow, I managed to remain ignorant of that fact.”
She grabs my hand, trying to stop it from the up-down, up-down, up-down motion it’s been making on the side of my water glass.
The waitress approaches, but Lila quickly sends her away, asking for more time.
“JT, look at me,” she says, and I force my eyes to hers.
“You may not have realized this, but I did. I understand you live in California. I understand I live in Colorado. While it’s not ideal, we’ll figure it out. Maybe once I get this proposal submitted, I can talk to Kelsey about working remotely a couple of Mondays and Tuesdays so I can come and stay in California with you when you are between tournaments. I was thinking, if it works for you, that when you have longer breaks or are taking a week off, you might come out and stay in Wild Bluffs. I’ll have my own house here soon, so you could stay with me. Or in a hotel. Or with Jameo—whatever you prefer.”
She’s…thought about it. She’s been working on finding solutions to our problem before I even realized there was a problem. Fuck, I do not deserve her, and this just serves as a reminder that I have no clue what I’m doing as a boyfriend. I should’ve been planning and working on this too. I should’ve had the answers. Hell, I’m a professional athlete with a private plane at my disposal. This isn’t brain surgery. I just had to put one ounce of thought into it. I’m surprised she’s not gathering her things and walking out on me right now.
“JT,” she says in a way that makes me think it’s not the first time. Shit. I really zoned out there.
“I think we can do it.”
“What?”
“I think we can make long-distance work. I mean”—I can see the uncertainty flash across her face—“if you still want to make it work.”
“Of course I do, Lila. I’m just worried I’m going to let you down.”
“You probably are. And I’m going to let you down too. And we’ll both feel shitty about it, but we’ll try to do better the next day. That’s how relationships work.”
I know she’s right, but it also feels like she doesn’t understand how quickly people’s dreams can go to hell when they hitch their wagon to mine. Maybe I should have her talk to my mom. I know Lila’s trying really hard to pull me out of this funk, so for her sake, I will try to believe this is something I can do.
Fortunately, the waitress returns to take our order, and I use the time to regain my composure.
Lila smirks at me as the waitress leaves. “It’s like you’ve learned nothing from the romance books I assigned you.”
“Wait, are you telling me you’ve been brainwashing me into becoming a good boyfriend with your romance book recommendations?” I ask. “Damn, that’s a long con, Lila. We couldn’t even stand to be in the same room when you dared me to read those.”
“I’m always two steps ahead of you, JT. Just remember that. And I’m not afraid to make you suffer by any means necessary if you don’t meet the book boyfriend requirements. Punishments such as wearing skimpy clothing when we’re around my family.”
“Like at Thanksgiving?” I ask.
“Well, I think we can both agree you deserved that.”
“What do you…” I trail off as a memory of the other night comes back.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “I thought we were on the same page that we were going to go back to not getting along after that night.”
“Yeah. You’re right. We did agree on that.” She starts fiddling with her straw wrapper, curling it around and around her finger.
“Lila?” I ask. “What are you not telling me?”
“It’s just—and it’s so stupid now, so not even worth talking about—”
I halt her fingers from wrapping the straw wrapper again as I raise my eyebrows. “Tell me,” I’m almost begging at this point.
“I’m not sure if you saw it or not—Elise is sure you didn’t—but before I went back to my room, I left a note in my spot asking you to get breakfast the next morning.”
“I didn’t see it, Lila,” I say, my heart dropping in my chest, knowing she spent the past year thinking I’d stood her up the morning after we hooked up.
“Right.” Her shoulders rise as she takes a deep breath. “It’s just that when I asked you about it Sunday morning at breakfast with Jameo and Bryn, you said, ‘You’ve been around long enough to know what happened, Lila. I’m not proud of it, but it is how it is.’”
My mind is frantically trying to catch up. I have absolutely no idea what Lila is talking about. I know for certain that I never saw her note. I’m not saying I would’ve gone to breakfast, even though I woke up the next morning and was shocked by how sad the cold, empty spot next to me made me feel, but I at least wouldn’t have ghosted her.
“I didn’t get the note, Lila. I would’ve at least texted.”
“Okay,” she says, but I can tell she still doesn’t believe me. “But then why would you have said that when I asked you about it?”
“I truly have no idea. I don’t remember—” The morning in question comes flashing back into my mind. I was simultaneously excited that my game was going well and worried as hell Lila was going to say something that would clue Jameo into the fact that we’d hooked up Friday night. My game Saturday had been almost perfect, except for my tee shot off of hole one, which I had shanked because I thought I saw Lila in the crowd watching me. It turned out to be another woman with similar hair, but the surprise had been enough to pull me from my game.
“—I thought you were asking me about my shanked drive off of number one tee box.”
“What?”
“It was possibly the worst drive of my life. I barely made contact with the ball. My parents both called about it, and I was so embarrassed by it. I definitely didn’t want to talk about it with you. I thought you were bringing it up to make fun of me.”
“Well”—she thinks about her response—“does it make me a bad person that I feel better about that? Like, I don’t love I’ve been so unkind to you that you assumed I was going to try to make you feel bad about yourself, but I’m also mostly glad you didn’t just ghost me after the best night of sex of my life.”
“…until tonight.” I smirk at her. “And I promise to get you breakfast in the morning too.”
She laughs. “I do love breakfast.” She takes a drink of her water before turning serious again. “If we’re being honest about our past, I feel like we need to talk about that kiss. The one at the pre-Thanksgiving party.”
“Lila, I was 23—”
“I know. And I was 18. I get it now, I do. I just…it really hurt my feelings, is all. I thought you liked me. You kissed me. Then as soon as Wes left me alone, you said, ‘Fuck, that was a mistake’ and left me there by myself. Anyway, I was really embarrassed that you had to save me from a drunk guy at a party and, obviously, that I was a mistake.” She holds her hand up to stop me from cutting in. “ I do get I was too young for you at the time . I just felt like you needed to know why I was such an asshole to you when we were together after that. You embarrassed me, so I wanted to embarrass you. I wanted you to feel as na?ve and silly as I did. I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Lila. I was the one who messed up that night. You were hot and funny, and my best friend’s 18-year-old sister. When I saw that jerk hitting on you and not leaving you alone, the only thought that crossed my mind was ‘kiss her, you idiot.’ So I did. And then I wanted to do it again. And again. But then I saw you look at that guy you dated your senior year of high school, and I realized how stupid I was. Of course you didn’t want me to kiss you. I was an old perv who just kissed you without even asking. I was jealous and ashamed and, honestly, worried about what would happen if Jameo found out. Our fighting was just as much my fault as it was yours.”
“You’re not perv amounts older than me.”
My mom’s comment from earlier about Lila being a child crosses my mind, and I realize I still haven’t told my parents Lila is here as more than just my date. Shit. They are not going to be pleased I’m distracted at a time like this.
“Not now, but at 18 and 23? It’s a bigger age gap then.”
“Still not. I wasn’t looking at some other guy, I was working up the courage to kiss you again.”
“Damn, I guess we’ve got some lost time to make up for, then, don’t we?”