40. Jaxon
JAXON
I’m left standing on the porch of my house in disbelief, watching Della drive away, and my stomach drops out of my body. The dread is immediate and all-consuming. I can’t believe Cayson pushed me like he did. I can’t believe she heard any of the things I said.
But most of all, I can’t fucking believe I said them in the first place.
Closing my eyes, my head tips to the sky. Fuck. I’m too scrambled to even begin to think of a game plan of how to fix this, only the magnitude of my fuck-up.
That and the boiling anger I’m feeling towards my brother. Since I can’t run after the golf cart, I storm inside to find him. He’s sitting at the island and looks at me when I come in.
“Jax, it’s too short a time for this level of attachment, probably because it was calculated on her end. I’m sorry, but this might be for the better, you know? ”
I’m on him in a few steps and fist the collar of his shirt, pulling him out of the seat.
“The better? Fuck you, Cayson. There’s a possibility you just ruined my fucking life. Just because you’re so miserable in yours doesn’t give you the right to be jealous and fuck up mine.”
“Fuck you right back. It’s not jealousy. Maybe you forgot, but we are still tied up in a lawsuit I brought against our family. So yeah, excuse me for having some questions about motives,” I push him back down in his seat and step back because I don’t trust myself close to him.
“Her motive? Jesus Christ. Are you that blind? Did she look like someone who was there to pull the wool over someone’s eyes?”
“Did Abby?” he spits back. “People are conniving and convincing, Jax. I hate that I had to learn that lesson the hard way, and I don’t want you to be in that spot either.”
Anger is radiating off my body. “Fuck, Cayson, there was nothing she could have done to change your mind because you named yourself judge, jury, and executioner the minute you saw her. Besides the fact that it sounds so cheap to say to me right now, what if I wanted to learn the lessons myself? Do you regret your things?” I push.
“Do you regret your fucking relationship with Abby?”
I glare at him knowing the question crosses the line because of the implication, but I’m so livid I don’t care.
“Not a fair question, Jaxon. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything.”
“Anything?” I push. “So you’d do everything the same again, even knowing the consequences?”
“Anything,” he says menacingly, while taking steps to invade my space. Putting his finger up to my chest, he’s talking through his teeth, trying to keep his own rage at bay. “And if you ever insinuate that again, we’re going to the stalls.”
We used to settle arguments in the stalls, and at this second, it doesn’t sound like a half-bad plan.
But I push him off me. “So you can interfere and dictate what happens in my life, my future, because you don’t agree, but I can’t question your past?
Got it. Get the fuck out of my house, Cayson, before this tips into territory we both regret. ”
He glares back at me, and I return the look. If he thinks I’m backing down from this, he’s dead wrong. He is red in the face, and his nose is flaring with his breath. Good.
“Hey, boys!” My sister and Molly enter my house, completely unaware of what they’re walking into.
Both of us turn to her, and I see the moment she registers that something isn’t right because her smile drops.
“What’s going on here?” Hazel’s voice holds a questioning tone I rarely hear from my confident sister.
“Cayson just ruined everything,” I say as if we’re kids again and I’m tattling to my mother.
“I’m just telling you how it is and helping you avoid the heartbreak, fucker.”
“Oh, first it was stopping her from using me, and now it’s heartbreak? Pick a lane, jerk-off. Just admit you don’t want anyone to be happy.”
I’ve never been angrier with him in my life.
“Fuck you, Jaxon,” he says, shoving me hard with both hands. It’s so unexpected that it makes me lose my balance, but I grab the couch and stay upright.
When I regain my footing, I lunge at him to shove him back. Out of my periphery, I hear Hazel scream stop, but Molly inserts herself between us and holds both her arms in the air, separating us.
“Both of you stop right now,” she says it calmly and so matter-of-factly that I freeze. I’m not pushing past Molly, risking hurting her, so I take huge steps back. Hazel joins the fray and stands next to her, between us.
“Get the fuck out, Cayson,” I say over their heads. “Right now. You aren’t welcome in my house.”
The girls go between us, trying to figure out what happened, but my brother is just glaring.
“You’ll see, Jaxon,” he says while walking towards the door.
“Fuck you, Cayson. I hope some kind of happiness finds you so you can stop trying to fuck everyone else’s life up,” I spit to his back. It’s not a fair comment, but what he did isn’t fair either.
Molly escorts him out, while Hazel looks at me with concern.
“Jax, what’s happening right now?” she asks.
I shake my head, and even though my adrenaline is sky-high, I close my eyes because I can’t look at my sister when I say it. “She’s gone. We’re done.”
I’m met with such silence, I think she’s left, but when I open my eyes, she looking at me with confusion; like I’ve grown a second head.
“Cayson came into my office and pushed me on Della, like he’s been doing since she got here.
And I had payroll to do, and needed to figure out how to fill those spots we just lost, so I appeased him…
because you know how he is when he just won’t fucking drop something.
I said things I didn’t mean. Things that were me being angry with him for being a prick, but were insults to her.
And… she heard it.” My body collapses onto my couch, completely defeated. “Fuck, Hazel. She heard it all.”
“What did you say, Jax?” she questions.
“So much I didn’t mean. I just wanted him to shut up. I needed him to shut up so I could do payroll,” I try to justify it to myself. “You know how relentless he is. I agreed with him to get him to stop. I figured I’d revisit it…”
“What did you say?” she pushes.
“Let’s see. The thing that probably sent her was when I said she was paying rent and putting out…”
The gasp my sister lets out could be heard around the ranch.
“Or maybe it’s because I referred to our relationship as partaking in some bonuses…”
“She heard you say that?” my sister cut me off.
Slowly, my head nods because it sounds even worse the second time around.
“Yeah, she’s gone. And rightfully so. I can’t believe you said that, Jaxon Wills. You’ve never been disrespectful like that.”
“I didn’t mean it,” I try to defend myself as Molly walks back in.
“Hey, Mol,” my sister says. “What would you do if you overheard someone you were seeing say that you were paying rent and putting out? Calling you a bonus?”
Molly’s head snaps towards me. “You didn’t.”
I’m frozen as I await their deserved vitriol.
“I know you’re not the smartest of the four, but that’s a new low.
I’d not only be gone, but I’d be doing something vindictive.
That’s tire-slash or fish in the air ducts territory.
Maybe even sugar in the gas tank.” She looks at my sister with a raised eyebrow, and Hazel is nodding in agreement back.
“Wait,” the record scratches. “Have you done any of those?” I ask the two of them. Because that is undoubtedly something they would have done together. I’m trying to tally their exes and if I heard a rumor about something like that happening.
“We’re not judging us right now. We’re judging you.
And your monumental fuck-up,” she says. “Honestly, I don’t think I’d be able to come back from that.
Not after only being together for such a short time.
You’d need at least a year together to believe those weren’t truthful statements.
But if you had that much time together, you wouldn’t be dumb enough to say that shit in the first place. ”
It’s useless to try to tell the two of them that yes, she’s only been here a stupidly short time, but what we have is so much more. It’s like when people get told they have old souls. This relationship is the equivalent of that. We are just two people who are meant to be together.
“We should go check on her,” Molly says.
“Can you tell her I’m sorry?” I ask.
She and Hazel give me the same look.
“Just try, okay?” I insist. Why won’t they even try?
“Sure, Jax,” Hazel sighs.
“Why did you come over, anyway?” I ask, realizing I have no idea what even brought them to my house.
Hazel doesn’t skip a beat. “We came to steal Della because we figured she was here. But let the record show, it really sucks when someone tries to insert themselves into a situation they aren’t welcome.”
My head drops, and I look at the floor. She’s referring to last night when my brothers and I barged into a gathering she was having, and made her look like fool. She’s absolutely correct.
When they’re gone, I raise my head to look at the photos I have displayed and feel ill. Two new ones were added last weekend. One is a shot of Del sitting on the fence for the sunrise. She’s glowing, looking at the camera with the signature smile that makes her dimple pop.
The other is a photo of us at the welcome-back party. It’s a candid snapshot that Molly took, and we’re looking at each other laughing. She had sent it to me that night asking where the mixed signals were. When I close my eyes, I am back in the moment and can hear the sound.
The perfect moment with the perfect girl.
And I reduced her to paying rent and putting out.
I’ve never hated myself more.