Chapter 6
Chapter six
Until It's Not
I manage to get through the next day easier than the last at the prospect of seeing Johnathan for a few rounds in the ring after work.
We're a half-hour deep into sparring at our private boxing venue, and I relish the workout taking me out of my emotions.
The familiarity of my muscles straining makes my head clearer, affording me the time to put some distance between me and my emotions.
And because of it, I'm going a little harder on him than usual tonight.
My arm snaps forward lightning fast, making contact with the side of Johnathan’s head.
He grunts. “Motherfucker, what are you trying to do? Knock my brain through my head?” He eyes me as I smoothly slide back into a poised fighting stance, waiting for him to recover and retaliate. He brings a hand to the side of his head and rubs, shaking his head hard.
I bet his ears are fucking ringin'.
I rejoice as sweat slicks down my body, making my shirt stick uncomfortably to my feverish skin.
Ignoring the nasty look the big guy is giving me, I pause, ripping my soaked shirt off and throwing it to the side.
I slide back into my pose, giving him a wicked grin.
This is what he pays me for, so he better buckle up.
“You better be happy I’m holding back. If you were in a real fight, your brains would already be plastered all over the floor,” I grit, stepping forward quickly and swinging a sharp uppercut, happy to see Johnathan move out of the way just in time.
He's been a little slow since the birth of his son, understandably.
I blink sweat out of my eyes as we circle slowly, swaying from one foot to the other, gauging each other's weaknesses. Johnathan doesn't have many, but it seems like I do.
Tonight, at least.
Johnathan steps forward fast, and I grunt as his fist connects hard with my ribs, causing me to retaliate with a sharp uppercut.
He grunts as I shoot off a couple of quick one-two punches, making the broad, Middle-Eastern man growl in frustration and back up from me.
His sharp brown eyes find mine quickly; mine narrow, observing a simmering energy within their depths I need him to let break free for my sake.
But Johnathan always remains in control, the fucker. I know we could really stand ten toes down in this ring if he wanted to; he just won't. His boundaries are perfect, ironically. I'll never tell him this, but he's the mental health field wet dream.
He gives me a rather abrupt once over. “No," Jonathan rasps, swiping a hand quickly across his brow. "I’m holding back slightly because even though we have this arrangement, it’s to keep me sharp because you’re the best I’ve found at this style of fighting. Not for us to fight to the death.”
He's irritated, and his accent is a bit thicker, causing me to smile. At the thought that an actual fight might make me feel less disconcerted, I lunge forward, trying to further agitate the big guy.
“God, but it would be so much fun to actually fight, though, wouldn’t it? Really let loose?” I smirk, trying to egg him on as I pummel his torso with more punches.
My wrapped fists sting as I make hard contact on the fifth punch to his chest. He grunts, giving me another quick look up and down. “So, you broke up with Veronica, huh?" he says in an accusatory tone. "That's the reason you’re going in so hard tonight?”
His words make me curl my lips and step forward, trying to get him into a headlock. “Yeah, I broke up with her, man. I can’t deal with the disingenousness of it all.”
He makes a disapproving sound, jerking against my hold.
We move across the ring as we grapple hard, but my arm stays locked around him.
“You didn’t even spend enough time with her to know her.
Two evenings out a week for four weeks doesn’t count, Alex.
You can’t know everything about somebody in that short amount of time.
” Johnathan barrels us forward with a grunt, sending us both to the floor.
“I didn’t need that much time." I jerk under him as he wraps his hands around my wrist, and almost like he's got the grip from God himself, he manages to loosen my hold.
Impressive. Not many have been able to escape a headlock from me.
I plant my feet, our strained sounds reach past the ropes, causing a few bystanders to look towards us, but I keep focused, not making it easy on him.
I flex my arm hard, seeing every vein standing out against my skin in sharp relief.
"How much fucking time you need, man?" he huffs hard, his face turning red. "Come on!"
"Not that much." My voice comes out strained as I work to keep him right where I want him, but he decides to go ahead and indulge me in what I so desperately need tonight and damn near breaks my arm off to get free.
We stumble back from each other, sweat dripping from our faces, and panting.
"I can tell almost right off the bat," I say, a rumble starting deep in my chest when he comes at me again and attempts to get me in a restraint.
I let him, for no other reason than so he can practice.
"And I’m not wasting either of our time.
I'm getting older, brother. I don't have the luxury of wasting years getting to know someone.” I make a rough sound, managing to get out from under Johnathan before he dislocates my goddamn shoulder.
We grunt and grapple for a bit, sliding around on the floor of the ring as we display our strength, causing a few others in the building to meander up to the ring to watch. We separate before getting up quickly and sliding into a fighting pose. Back to boxing, not wrestling.
Do I imagine his eyes soften towards me with his next words? I don't know because people don't ever grace me with softness. I get why…but it still hurts.
“Alexander, you’re not going to fall for another Hannah again.
You need to give it a chance. At least stay with someone long enough to be able to get into the swing of having a healthy sex life.
It’s been like nine years since you’ve been in a long-term relationship, right?
Hannah was the last, huh?” Johnathan asks.
The man really missed his calling because he should have been a therapist. His words trigger something inside me.
Vulnerable, I put my hands down and look openly at my friend of ten years. I know my eyes are sad as I meet his wise gaze. He's the only one I trust enough to open up like this.
“I can’t enjoy it, man,” I admit, shrugging heavily.
I fight against heaving, trying to catch my breath and talk at the same time.
“Even when they give themselves over, I don’t like it.
It doesn’t feel right…and I don’t like to feel like I’m taking advantage of them.
And that’s always how my mind ends up taking it.
When I force myself to be intimate with another person just because, it feels almost like I’m raping her because I’m using her body, and I don’t even want to.
” Chest rising and falling heavily, I put my hands on my hips and look away from my friend. “My mind just won’t let me enjoy it.”
Johnathan blinks at me for a second before leaning on the rope. "So….have you always been this way?"
I nod, fighting back the feeling of not wanting to be judged.
"I've always been this way." Never one for casual sex.
Always needing that emotional connection first before I gave my body over to someone.
Even with Hannah, the minute our emotional connection severed, so did our sex life.
There's a label for what I am: demisexual.
Feeling too bared, I look away, relieved to see our audience is gone.
"Hmm," Jonathan hums, standing to his full height. He doesn't speak, though; he lets me have my thoughts.
"I know it's not the most manly thing to admit, and I'll probably lose some major masculine points, but soul ties are a very real thing.
I see people come in all the time needing to be medicated half out of their mind in order to deal with the trauma of having a sexual relationship with someone they had no business being with.
" I bring my gaze back to him, seeing him staring, giving me his full attention. "And I don't want that for myself.”
Johnathan looks me up and down with an assessing gaze. “That’s interesting. I respect that completely, my friend, and thanks for sharing that with me. So, you’re just going to be celibate?”
“I’m going to have to be."
"Sounds reeaaal depressing."
"Sex is not about happiness," I snap back, shooting him a look.
"It's much more than that. It's an exchange of the bodies. An intimate meeting of the souls. So no," I hold up a hand and shake my head. "I can’t mentally handle fucking a woman who I don’t want to fuck just for the sake of it. That’s a disgusting feeling.”
"I get it, but celibacy is a lonely journey." Now his eyes turn sad as he references the time he'd spent mourning after his late wife passed, before he found Vanessa. And in this moment, I realize he understands me a lot more than I originally gave him credit for. "It's been lonely for you?"
I nod somberly. "Of course."
"Yeah, I bet." He clears his throat hard as he glances away, contemplating. "Well. All I can say is it's lonely, until it's not."
I feel chills race down my body and my mind pivots. “That's okay. I’ll just spend my time fucking up your body until I find the right woman to fall into," I joke, needing to lighten the conversation.
Johnathan puts his fists up. "Sounds good to me. And mad respect, brother. Let’s do what I pay you to do.”
He decides to give me what I need and grunts as he makes contact with my chest hard enough to send me reeling backwards.
Elated, I lunge back. We continue to spar for another hour.
And when we're done, sporting bruises, exhausted expressions, and thoroughly worn out, Johnathan writes me a ten-thousand dollar check for my services.
He pays me this three times a week, but tonight, I refuse, shaking my head when he tries to hand me the slip of paper.
"No, man, that's alright. Thank you, but I can't accept payment tonight.
You did me a favor. I think I needed this way more than you did.
" I hold my hand out for him to shake; however, he just grins at me as he places the check in my hand anyway and then leans forward to clap me a couple times on my back.
It's the first almost hug I've had in months. Other than my sister, Aurora.
Rolling the windows down, I take my time driving home, feeling better than I have in months. I finally let myself accept the truth that I'd told Johnathan. I'll wait if I have to, and in the meantime, I pray for the right person to enter my life. I deserve it.
Albeit true, that's a fact that's a little harder to accept.