Chapter 21 Debts
DEBTS
EVANDER
Evander refused to leave Mona’s side, even for a moment. He had thought that rescuing her from the Titans would fill him with relief, that this unsettling wrongness inside him would be cured… but it wasn’t.
His chest still roiled with uncertainty. His stomach still knotted with unease.
Nothing was right. Not even with the woman he loved at his side.
He could tell Mona sensed his discomfort, judging by the frequent concerned looks she shot his way as they mingled among the fire witches.
Mona had lots of questions, particularly about the handy elixir they had used when infiltrating the Titans’ hideout.
Not to mention Mona was clearly fond of many of the witches here from her last visit.
She greeted them as if they were her own sisters.
Seeing her eyes light up, her face brightening with a genuine smile, was almost enough to unravel the tension and turmoil coursing through Evander.
Almost.
He needed to tell her. He needed her to know the bargain he had struck with the Wild Spirits.
But there wasn’t a moment to tell her. There were so many witches around them, and he needed a private moment to speak with her.
It wasn’t the right time. It would have to wait.
His body was restless, itching to move, to run, to fly. But he could do nothing but stand by Mona, his hand on her back.
After another witch Mona had been speaking with walked away, Mona turned to look at him, her eyes narrowing with suspicion. “What’s wrong with you, Evander? Tell me.”
Evander closed his eyes. His head throbbed, and his blood hummed with a low pulse that seemed to chant a reminder to return to the Undead Wilds.
Go back. Go back. You must go back.
“I… I have not been myself as of late,” he said softly. This was technically not a lie.
Mona’s expression softened. “Because of Typhon?”
Evander flinched. Gods, Mona knew him too well.
She drew closer and placed her hand on his cheek. Her skin was warm and smooth, and he leaned into her touch, his eyes closing. Her scent of parchment and saltwater filled his nose, and he sighed with contentment.
In this moment, they were simply Mona and Evander. Nothing more, nothing less. He could pretend that all was well. He could pretend that they were just two souls who had fallen in love by the river in the Underworld.
A knot formed in Evander’s throat as the pleasant vision shattered. Because he had to tell her. She would never forgive him if he didn’t.
She might not forgive him anyway. But he had to risk it. She deserved nothing less than the truth.
He opened his eyes and found hers filled with worry and despair. He wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but her expression was so utterly devastated that he knew she was afraid for him. She was likely envisioning all manner of horrifying scenarios.
He took a deep breath, his gaze dropping so he wouldn’t have to look at her when he spoke. “I must leave for the Underworld.”
Mona was silent for a moment. “Right now? But… the witches need our help. The Titans are still out there.”
Evander withdrew from her, and she dropped her hand. His cheek instantly cooled, and he yearned for her touch once more. He shook his head. “I cannot stay here. I have… debts to pay.”
Her brows knitted together. “What does that mean?”
“There was a price required in order for us to find where the Titans were hiding. Now, I have to go and fulfill what is owed.”
Mona drew closer to him, then gripped his hands in hers. “Evander, speak plainly. Just tell me what it is. I can handle it.”
“I offered my immortality,” Evander said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I made a bargain with the spirits of the Undead Wilds. In exchange for their help, I promised to give them my immortality. And now I must go back and fulfill my end of the deal.”
Mona’s face paled, and her head reared back. Her mouth fell open as she stared at him. “Evander, you didn’t…”
He tightened his hold on her wrists and looked at her with a fierce expression. “There is nothing I would not do for you, Mona. Surely you understand that.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “But you have so much more than just me, Evander. So much more of your life to live. You have a brother. A home. A duty to your kingdom and your people.”
Evander scoffed. “They mean nothing to me.” He said the words without thinking.
Mona took a step back, her eyes wide. “You don’t mean that.”
“You are all I need.” He wanted to reach for her, but that wrongness in his chest tightened, making it difficult to breathe.
He rubbed his forehead. “Please try to understand, Mona. I couldn’t just let you die.
You gave up your life to save your village.
And then you jumped into a deadly whirlpool to save Prue. How is this any different?”
She tilted her head at him, those otherworldly emerald eyes seeming to see straight through him. “But why did you do it, Evander?”
“To save you!” How could she not see it? How could she not see that he would give up everything for her? Did she not understand the depth of his love for her? “Mona, I love you. I need you. We should be together.”
Mona’s eyes moistened, and she took a shuddering breath. “I love you, too. But… I fear you only saved me so you could save yourself.”
It felt like she had struck him. His chest seemed to split open from her words, and he stared at her in horror. “How can you say that?”
“You don’t know who you are, Evander.” The sorrow in her voice pierced straight through his heart, making him feel emotions he didn’t want to face. “And you need me in order to feel like yourself again.”
His nostrils flared, and he shook his head. “So, this is the thanks I get for my sacrifice? You lecture me on my motivations? Should I have left you to die by the hands of the Titans, then? Is that what you would have preferred?”
“Of course not!” she cried. “But Evander, you are lost! And clinging to me is not going to help you. Taking needless risks is not going to give you the answers you seek.”
Then what is? he wanted to ask. There were only two things that had ever made him feel alive: Typhon and Mona.
Now, he was on the brink of losing both.
He was on the brink of losing himself.
Gods, he couldn’t bear it. His soul was ripping in two. His inner turmoil was slowly tearing himself apart. He wouldn’t be able to bear this much longer. Heat burned behind his eyes, and he blinked rapidly before he started to weep.
He straightened, projecting a confidence he did not feel. In a strained voice, he said, “So, will you come with me, or not?”
Are you with me, or not?
Am I going to lose you, or not?
Is this the end… or not?
A million questions raced through his thoughts, circling faster and faster, making him feel nauseous and desperate, panicked and afraid.
A tear raced down Mona’s cheek. She closed the distance between them and placed her hand on his cheek.
His own tear met her fingertip, and she caught it before brushing it away.
He couldn’t stop the moisture from pooling and coursing down his face, much like his very soul was plummeting.
Down, down, down, so far into the abyss that he could no longer reach it.
“Pay your debts, Evander,” Mona whispered. “Find yourself. Find a purpose that gives you life. Something that takes your breath away. Something that isn’t me. When you’ve found it, I’ll be waiting for you.”
Evander closed his eyes as the pain cut through him anew, digging deeper into his chest. He was being carved open, sliced in two with merciless brutality.
Mona was slowly destroying him, one word at a time.
He would never recover from this.
“Mona,” he rasped, unable to speak without leaking more tears. “What if I never find it?”
She lifted her arms, wrapping them around him and bringing his body against hers. He leaned his head on her shoulder, weeping freely. She clung to him, gripping him tightly as her own frame shook with sobs.
“I will always be there for you, Evander. Always. From here to eternity, my soul will always find yours.”
His heart seized from those words. He had uttered them to her in the Underworld after they had made love. She had saved his life then. Gods, it felt like eons ago.
How Evander wished to go back to that moment, when he knew exactly what he wanted and what his life should be like.
“If you leave me and are unable to find yourself, to find anything else worth living for, I will remain by your side,” Mona said. “No matter how broken you might feel or how lost you are, I will be with you. But… please try. Will you try?”
She pulled back to look into his eyes, her hands still cupping his face as if he were something precious. As if he were worth anything at all. “Please try, my darling. For me. I—I cannot lose you. Please.” She sniffed, her face streaming with tears.
His throat was so tight with emotion that he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t speak. He leaned his forehead against hers and just felt her. Held her. Touched her.
Mona was right. He was clinging to her because she was all he had left. His river was gone. His realm was broken. And now, his immortality would soon be lost, leaving him with nothing but a fragile mortal existence.
He would be frail and breakable after this. He wouldn’t be able to take any more risks.
One misstep, and he could die. The terror on Mona’s face told him she was thinking this, too.
He was out of second chances. This was it. And she was right—if he couldn’t find himself or find something else worth living for, he would waste away. He would throw himself off a cliff just to feel something, and then his life would be over.
Their love—their story—would be over.
“You know I would give anything, right?” Evander whispered. “I would give anything to feel whole again. To live a life with you, content and unbothered.”
Perhaps such a fantasy didn’t exist. Perhaps he would spend the rest of his life yearning for something that could never be.
What kind of life would that give Mona?
She offered him a watery smile. “Yes, I know. I know you didn’t choose this. And I know it’s not your fault or your doing. Sometimes our souls long for something we cannot recognize until we find it. And Goddess, I hope you find it, Evander. I hope you find it soon.”
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him.
Her lips were salty with her tears, but Evander captured her mouth fully as if he had never tasted anything more delicious in all his life.
His fingers tightened along her waist, drawing her closer.
She angled her head, her tongue sweeping over his mouth and parting his lips.
His hands pressed into her back. One hand inched upward, his fingers threading through her long black hair.
Gods, she tasted divine. She tasted like home.
A hollow ache built in his chest, an echo of the beast who had once lived inside him. The creature who loved Mona just as he did.
He and Typhon had been one, both drawn to Mona, soothed by her presence. Now, a part of him had died.
He would be seeking for that other half of himself forever. Seeking, seeking, seeking… but never finding.
When they finally broke apart, gasping for breath, Evander murmured against her lips, “Live your life, Mona. Don’t wait for me. If I’m able, I’ll find you again. But if I don’t…” He trailed off, unable to utter the words.
If he didn’t find her again, it either meant he had fully lost himself… or he had died.
Mona blinked rapidly, her eyes glistening. “Evander—”
“If our roles were reversed, what would you have me do?”
Her mouth clamped shut at that, and he knew the answer. Hell, she had given herself up to the darkest magic so that Prue could live her life and be happy.
She would do it all over again. For him, for Prue, for anyone she loved. He knew that much.
“Live, Mona,” he urged her. “And I will try to do the same. I swear it.”
Evander pressed one last kiss to her lips, this one much more tender. Her lips were soft and smooth, and he wanted to taste them one last time.
Then he released her and stepped away. If he continued to touch her, to hold her, he knew he would never let her go. His eyes lifted, glancing behind her to see the entire cavern of witches watching them, unabashed.
Evander’s eyebrows drew together. He knew he should feel embarrassed that so many people had witnessed his fight with Mona. But he couldn’t bring himself to care—not when this might be the last time he ever saw her.
He looked at her then, drinking her in fully. Everything from her long and disheveled hair, her dirty and bloodstained tunic and trousers, and her tear-stained cheeks. He wanted to memorize every feature, every blemish and mark on her body.
He nodded at her, trying to convey everything he felt in that singular look.
Then, he turned and left, striding down the tunnel toward the portal that would take him to his future.
Or his doom.