Chapter 19 Not Even You #2
She waited until the last rebel had left the hall to let herself breathe again, slow and deliberate, like she could anchor herself to the air. She wiped her palms on her trousers, surprised to find them wet.
Somewhere down the corridor, Maven’s voice was already at work, laying the next story, planting the next seed. She would have to find Kael. She would have to try, one more time, to make someone believe her.
But not now. For now, she just stood in the center of the empty hall, bracing for the next attack, and wishing with all her heart that she had been born someone else.
She was still standing in the hollowed-out quiet of the main hall when the runner found her.
The boy looked half her age, but he had the face of someone who had seen every shade of cruelty the world could offer.
His eyes darted away from hers as he delivered the message, the syllables clipped and urgent: “Kael wants you. Now. He said it’s not a request.”
Alina wanted to laugh at the formality of it, as if there were anything left in the world Kael Stormborne couldn’t demand with only a look or a word.
She thanked the boy and followed, feeling every new bruise and muscle tremor as she walked.
The corridor to the upper levels was brighter than usual, every torch burning high and hot, as if someone believed that extra light could bleach out the stain Maven had just splattered across the camp’s soul.
They passed a knot of rebels standing at the base of the stairs.
All of them stopped talking as she approached; one of them, a woman with a split lip, muttered something under her breath and turned her back.
Alina climbed, her breath coming harder with every step.
By the time she reached the side passage where Kael’s makeshift office was hidden, she was half convinced he would be waiting for her with a blade and a blindfold.
Instead, she found him leaning against a battered desk in a room so narrow the walls pressed in on every side. There was barely space for two people to stand without touching, and Kael’s presence filled every inch of it, radiating the restless heat of a man in the middle of his own private storm.
He looked bad. Not “after a battle” bad, but “haven’t slept in days, haunted by his own choices” bad.
His hair was matted to his forehead, and there was a fresh scratch on his cheek, not yet clotted.
The whites of his eyes were shot through with red, and the shadow at his jaw was thick enough to bruise.
She braced herself, waiting for the inevitable.
He didn’t look up at first, speaking quietly, almost a shade too calmly. “You could have gotten us all killed. What if you had lost control like during the raid? Did you even think about that for a minute?”
The words were so low, so perfectly measured, they almost sounded like a compliment.
Alina leaned against the closed door, her own knees unsteady. She needed a moment to get over the anger radiating from him. “You wanted me to do nothing while people died?”
Kael’s eyes flicked up, just for a second, and then away again.
He picked up a sheet of parchment, stared at it, then set it down with a force that suggested it might burst into flames.
“You don’t get to decide what risks are worth it.
That’s my job. You made a choice, and now half the camp thinks you’re a liability. ”
She barked a laugh, sharper than she meant. “Half? That’s a generous count.”
He glared at her. “This isn’t a joke. You let Maven set the terms of the story. You handed him exactly what he needed.”
Unbelievable. How was she at fault here?
Her own anger sparked, and she was glad for it.
Anger, she could deal with. Better than sorrow.
Better than hopelessness. “And what was that?” She took a step forward, forcing him to meet her gaze.
“I held the shield. I kept your people alive. Would you rather I had stood back and watched them die?”
He pushed off the desk, closing the distance between them in a heartbeat. “I would rather you trust me to do my damn job. You think you’re the only one who wants to protect them? The only one who has something to lose?”
He was so close now she could see the rawness at the corners of his mouth, the line of tension that ran from his temples to his jaw.
Alina refused to back up. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see the look in their eyes—the children, the old. There was nothing to protect them, nothing to stop the soldiers from butchering them, picking them off like they were little more than insects. You expect me to watch and do nothing?”
Kael’s voice dropped, but it gained a dangerous, shuddering intensity. “That’s not the point, Alina. You acted outside the plan. You made the decision yourself, and now every idiot in the Caves thinks we’re not on the same side. That’s the risk you took. You undermined me in front of everyone.”
“That’s what you care about? Your image?
” This was getting crazier by the minute.
How could he not see what she had done for them?
Thoughts raced through her mind like a storm, memories of everything that had happened to her over those last days, what was hissed at her, the looks she had received, the hatred she had been bombarded with.
Emotions pelted her from the inside out, none of them good.
Her heart hammered in her chest, ready to break into a thousand pieces.
He flinched, just slightly, but the wound it left was visible.
“My image,” he said, “is the only thing that keeps this from becoming a slaughterhouse. They listen to me because they have to believe in something. You don’t get to cut the legs out from under me and then act surprised when the roof caves in. ”
For a moment, the only sound was the rasp of both their breathing. Alina realized her hands were balled into fists, fingernails biting so deep she might bleed.
She swallowed. “So, what now? You want me to apologize? Or maybe just leave, make your life easier?”
“Don’t be an idiot,” he snapped, but the force had gone out of him. He slumped back against the desk, hands clamped at the edge as if he could hold himself in place by force alone. “We can’t afford to lose anyone. Not even you.”
The insult was so backhanded, so casually cruel, it took her breath away.
The silence between them pressed in on her, cloying against Alina’s skin. Finally, she broke, her battered heart cracking and falling to tiny, shattered shards. She heard it, loud and clear. “Not even me,” she repeated, voice barely more than a whisper.
He looked at her then and for a split second she thought she saw regret flicker in his eyes. “Tell me, Kael, do you really think I did this for myself?”
Kael kept looking at her, the gold in his eyes muted, and in that instant she saw it all: the exhaustion, the fear, the bone-deep certainty that he was fighting a war he couldn’t win.
“No,” he said. “I think you did it because you can’t help but try to save people, even when it’s the last thing anyone needs. ”
They stared at each other, the distance between them suddenly a chasm—no, a world, and there was no way she could reach him anymore. His warmth, his touch, his smile… it was all lost to her.
He exhaled, a long, ragged breath. “You’re a liability, Alina. And you’re the best hope we have. Do you understand how impossible that is?”
She opened her mouth to answer, but all that came out was, “I’m so tired, Kael. I’m so damn tired of fighting everyone, every day.”
He scrubbed a hand across his face, smearing dirt and blood into a new pattern. “Join the club,” he said, so quietly she almost missed it.
For a moment, the tension eased, and they just stood there in the silence, two people lost in the fallout of their own best intentions.
Then Kael straightened, every inch the captain again. “Stay away from Maven. If he comes at you again, tell me. Don’t engage.”
Don’t engage. Don’t engage! Did he know anything?
“Don’t engage? What do you think—that I start petty quarrels with him because I can’t help myself?
Are you saying it’s my fault he is coming at me?
Well, let me tell you, you just missed quite an exquisite performance in the mess hall.
And he did it all by himself, no engaging necessary.
” She glared at him. “You would know that if you showed up once in a while.” If you hadn’t abandoned me, was left unsaid.
Kael’s mouth twisted in a flat line. “You’re twisting my words. You know exactly what I mean.”
Alina shook her head, unable to contain her emotions for much longer.
“I really don’t.” She looked at him, and the ball of hot jealousy, betrayal and hurt she had been carrying around for days exploded into a sneering accusation.
“But I bet Elara does. You both seem to understand each other perfectly well.”
Kael frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“I saw you, Kael! I saw you in your room, you and her—you don’t need to deny it!” Her voice grew louder by the second.
“Are you crazy? Deny what?”
“Oh, come on!” she shouted, losing all control.
Grief filled her to the brim, so raw and potent she could hardly breathe.
“I saw you! Do you hear me? I saw you! Her whispering in your ear and touching your arm and you laughing! Actually laughing! When was the last time you let me touch you? Or laughed with me?”
Kael stared at her, shock on his face. A heavy silence ensued, Alina breathing heavily, half sobbing.
“Alina.” Kael shook his head, sadness etched into his face.
It was all she needed to know. It was over. He had made his choice. And so would she.