Chapter 13
Elsedora
Agleaming smile.
Long silver hair.
I tried to reach toward him, heart pounding. Let me touch him, dammit, I begged of the dream.
“You know what day tomorrow is, don’t you?” He stood in the doorway of my bedroom, leaning there with crossed arms.
“Ryn?” I rasped out.
“Not quite in the flesh.” His head tilted as he looked me over. I lay on top of the covers in nothing but a silk slip. “Oh, how I miss this view.”
Guilt gripped me with the realization that he hadn’t come to me in my sleep in years. Whenever I felt sad, instead, I ended up at the bedside of a sleeping King and rested easier.
“You’re here.” I tried to sit up but couldn’t.
“You know why,” he answered.
My limbs felt weak, and I couldn’t swing my legs out of bed. Stuck there, I hoped he would cross the room and come to me. “I…”
“You will not make the same mistakes again, will you?” he asked, finally stalking over to my bedside.
I frowned and shook my head, still not understanding.
He shot a devastating smirk down at me. “Quit sulking.”
“I’m not s—” My breath caught, and my words died. I reached out toward him, but my hand went right through his torso.
“I loved you, El. You could never say it back, though, could you?” His tone grew harsher, lashing my chest open, challenging me to face my error.
I loved you, too; I tried to scream it. Only garbled sounds escaped me.
He deserved to hear the words thousands of times.
I loved you.
I loved you.
Nothing left my lips.
Ryn’s pale white cheeks cracked. No, not again. Wanting to scream, I attempted to thrash but still couldn’t move.
“Don’t wait until it’s too late.” Then he disintegrated into nothing more than a pile of dust on the wood floor of my bedchamber.
Gasping, I shot awake.
I could almost smell the spice of Ryn’s cologne lingering in the air.
Pressing my palms to my eyes, I groaned. Those types of dreams once had racked me every night.
This one felt so pointed.
Peeling myself from bed, I threw a robe on and tied it. Judging by the pitch-black of the windows, it was the middle of the night.
“Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
I swallowed hard, glancing into my vanity mirror. I looked a mess—hair poking in all directions and darkness bagging beneath my eyes.
“You could never say it back, could you?”
Those three simple unsaid words haunted me.
With bated breath, I dressed.
After slinking into Luz Palace undetected, I entered Emmerick’s bedchamber.
I wore no rogue or eye coal. Suddenly, I felt self-conscious about my appearance—surely, one should look presentable when admitting to a man that their feelings may evolve into something more.
I’d pulled on a pair of breeches that were ripped in the knees. Hugging a tattered robe I’d thrown on for warmth, I grimaced.
I hadn’t even bathed. Not that he could smell me. I hoped.
Three words. Or maybe—seven.
“I could fall in love with you,” I whispered aloud. “I might be—”
I groaned, cutting off my words. It shouldn’t be so hard. I’d known him for over a decade.
Knots formed in my stomach when I picked up the mirror. “Puuuppy, are you in there?” I rasped out a rough whisper.
Gray smoke swirled behind the pane, and a few moments later, his face materialized; his lips pulled down into a frown as he strained to find me.
Despite his eyes being bloodshot, they lit from within when they landed on me. Only then did he break into a grin. “Else, I didn’t expect you for a couple of days.”
My mouth hung open—usually I did not visit him on the day.
“Is everything alright?” he asked, brow wrinkling.
“Yes, it is now,” I admitted.
I tried to work up the courage to begin.
He tilted his head. Damn me, when he did that, it was adorable.
When I didn’t speak, he said, “I didn’t know my mother checks in on you. She told me she visits Lamoreaux every year today.”
Smiling and appreciating the detour in conversation, I answered, “She does.”
Silence stretched between us, and he scratched the back of his neck. Why did all of his actions have to be so endearing?
On the bed, a few feet from me, the King let out a faint sigh. I stared at him lying there, and the injustice of it all weighed on me. He deserved so much better than all of this.
“Have I upset you?” he guessed, and my chest felt heavier.
“No, no. I wanted to tell you something.” My hands shook, so I sat on them.
His brows rose. “Oh. Has there been a development on the relic-finding front?”
I shook my head, disappointed that I’d given him false hope. “No, sorry. I just…”
He chuckled. “El, you are red as a beet, and you don’t embarrass easily. What is the matter?” The way his laughter coated me almost settled my anxiety. “Oh Sources. You didn’t actually try to seduce my parents, did you?”
I scoffed and shook my head again. His mock outrage gave me an easy distraction. I was there to profess my feelings, not to get wrapped up in playful banter. The latter sounded easier.
“Stop heckling me,” I said. “I came to say that you have become very important to me and…”
I couldn’t stand to think of a world without him; he was the best part of each day. It was so simple—I should have just told him that. Yet no more words left me.
His expression softened and I stared at his lips. My insides felt molten; my mouth had dried out. Without the distraction of petty seduction or physical contact, I did not know what to do.
“You’re important to me too,” he responded, without an ounce of jest in his tone. “I know it’s a hard day. I wish I could be with you for it, in the flesh.”
“Not quite in the flesh.”
Dream Ryn’s words echoed back at me, and goose bumps crawled up my arms.
“It isn’t about the day…” I shook my head again. “Well… maybe it is.”
That awful dream had rubbed my heart raw—that was all. A wiser woman would have realized her error before trekking halfway across the realm to pour her affections out to a dear friend.
He wouldn’t feel the same.
Of course he appreciated me—I’d helped him reconnect with his parents. He enjoyed our conversations, but they were the only conversations he had otherwise.
I was foolish for even entering the room. How utterly unfair would it be to burden him with such a confession?
Kind golden eyes observed me. “I understand if you need time away from me. Please take care of yourself. I could not brave this curse without you, El.”
The crushing sense of having handled this all wrong pressed down on me. He thought I was pulling away, while every instinct called me closer to him.
I cleared my throat. “I actually just wanted to see you. You’re right. The day got under my skin.”
The temptation to admit more dragged across my tongue.
I’d never learned how to resolve matters of the heart. Matters of the body came so much easier—touch, heat, physical bliss. My attachment to him ran deeper than any of that; it dug a terrifying abyss between us. Stepping into that unknown could yield dreams or nightmares.
“I’ve told you this once before. But someday, I will never let you face this week alone again.”
What about every other week?
I’d fill every waking moment of his if he’d let me. When he woke, he deserved every experience—every choice. A young immortal still, he had so much living left to do…
I plastered a smile on my face, fighting the burn behind my eyes.
“I look forward to that, truly,” I answered. “After all this, what do you want in life, puppy? How do you imagine it?”
Emmerick’s expression turned wistful, but he didn’t break our connected gaze. “It’s hard to imagine,” he admitted.
“Try,” I encouraged. I needed to hear his version of the perfect forever.
He traced his bottom lip in thought, glancing away for only a moment while I obsessed over the motion.
“I imagine a home filled with laughter. No matter how busy the week, I’d cook dinner and my family would gather at the table every night. I’d love them without fear of having it all taken from me. My life would be steady, and quiet, and fulfilling…”
He mentioned no throne, or crown.
A home. A family. A love.
An immortal King who had experienced so little of the world didn’t need a woman like me professing their… importance. So many possibilities lay before him. A younger, more impulsive version of me may have tried to win his attention.
“That sounds lovely,” I breathed out. “When you wake, I’ll help you find it. All of it. Whatever it takes.”
When he met my gaze again, his brow furrowed. Doubt? Disappointment?
“If I wake, the shape of that could all change. It depends on a few factors…” He rubbed the back of his neck and paused. His intense stare beckoned me to respond.
Instead, I rose abruptly. “It’s getting late, pet,” I said and bit my cheek. “I shouldn’t keep you.”
Dream Ryn had been wrong. Emmerick deserved the exact shape of his greatest desires.
“Wait. Stay and talk a while?” he asked. Hope coated the question.
“Of course. I’ve nowhere I’d rather be.”
I stayed with him well into the light of morning. By the time I excused myself to begin my day, the tension in my chest had given way to laughter and my anxiety had melted into joy.