Chapter Nineteen
No matter how hard Sophia tried to concentrate on next month’s production for Phoebe, she continued to stare at the white page in her sketch book. There was nothing to sketch because her mind was blank. Numb. Broken.
Like her heart.
Her spirit.
Wrinkling her nose, she grumbled, and refused to believe that.
Refused to give up hope that Ryder would give her a chance to explain.
They meant too much to each other not to―at least, he’d meant too much to her.
She just hoped she’d somehow managed to get past his barriers and touch a piece of his heart.
What she wouldn’t give to have a set to physically build right now. To throw herself into it. A way to work, but not think. Just do. Because thinking led to pain, and pain led to thoughts of Ryder.
She sucked in a ragged breath and blinked back a rogue round of tears. They weren’t welcome. Not at work. In the shower, yes. In bed, yes. Not at work. She didn’t do tears. She wasn’t weak. She just missed him―so much.
Dammit.
Her eyes weren’t blinking fast enough, so she wiped the escaping wetness from her face. Time to get up and get moving. A change of scenery. She grabbed her sketch pad and pencil, and headed to the main theater. Maybe if she sat in there and stared hard enough at the stage, inspiration would spark.
She’d never had this trouble before. Her mind usually swirled full of ideas. But yesterday and today, she just stared at her sketch pad.
It ticked her off.
No way did she want to let Phoebe down.
There were always the standard set designs, her mind reminded. But every director liked to put a slightly new spin on things, and Phoebe was no exception.
Because she was good. Smart.
Creative.
If Sophia’s mind remained blank, she was going to have to ask Phoebe what she envisioned and go from there. Their thoughts were usually on the same page anyway.
Right now, though, hers were on Ryder, and how he’d stared at her through such a cold gaze on the sidewalk outside her apartment last week. A shiver raced down her spine at the memory.
Dammit.
She entered the main theater near the back by the stage and flicked on the lights, before walking up the center aisle. One by one, she counted the rows until she reached the fourth one. It was a good number. Especially that month. The fourth had been very inspiring.
With a sad chuckle, she sank into the first chair and stared out at the stage, but her broken mind was playing tricks on her, because she saw Ryder walk out.
And everyone knew Ryder wasn’t talking to her.
Plus, he had no reason to be at the theater.
Not to mentor. Not for work. Especially not for her.
“Sophia?”
She jumped. Her daydreams had never been this real. That even sounded like him.
Maybe this was her imagination’s way of repairing itself so she could work.
But when his gaze met hers and a familiar zing went through her, she sat up and blinked, squeezing the arms of the chair. Was that actually him?
He jumped off the stage and strode straight to her, and when she caught the scent of soap and cedar, with a hint of some kind of spice, her heart leapt in her tight chest.
“Ryder?”
Squatting down next to her chair in the aisle, he placed his hand over hers, all the while staring into her eyes. His were clear and unguarded, full of fear and hope. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice surprisingly gentle. “I was an ass. I shouldn’t have walked away from you.”
“It’s okay,” she said, relieved to put it all behind them and work on moving forward.
But he set a finger to her lips, and shook his head. “No, it’s not okay. I hurt you and I won’t forgive myself for it. You’ve been nothing but sweet and kind and giving, and at the first sign of miscommunication I jumped to conclusions because of my past.”
She knew he needed to get things off his chest. And she also knew, as he stroked her arm up and down, he was giving her his reassurance and strength, but he needed the connection, too, as if it was she who grounded him.
For several years he was closed up, kept things close to the vest. She knew this, but through his actions alone, she could tell he was trying to give her what he thought she needed.
Dammit. He was making her insides melt. And her heart was swelling, and tears were filling her eyes, which she rapidly blinked away.
All she needed was his acceptance, and he was giving that to her, but she got the sense he needed to open up and get something off his chest. She continued to squeeze the arms of the chair—to keep from reaching for him—and remained silent to let him finish.
“During my second deployment to Iraq, I fell for a local girl, Jinan,” he said, voice as steady as his gaze.
“She left me to fulfill family duty by going through with an arranged marriage. For years I agonized over it. Wondered if I should’ve fought harder.
Wondered if he was abusing her. Wondered why I wasn’t enough for her to fight for.
But there was this one time, over a very special New Year’s Eve that a certain incredible woman managed to make me forget. ”
Sophia’s heart raced so fast it nearly pounded itself out of her chest. “Me?”
“Yes. You.” His gaze softened. “You got to me back then, Sophia. And you most definitely get to me now. But not only that, you get me. You understand how I think. What I want. What I need. And I’ll be honest, it scares the hell out of me.
It fueled my misgivings last week. I know that’s not an excuse, but I just wanted you to understand my issues and why I have them. ”
“Thanks for telling me. For letting me in,” she said, reaching with her free hand to touch his scruffy jaw. “This thing between us scares me too, Ryder. But being with you makes me happy. And I like being happy.”
“Happy looks good on you.” He smiled into her palm. “I love making you happy. I love making you cry out my name when you come. I love being with you,” he said, cupping her face. “But most importantly, I love you.”
She sucked in a breath, and those damn tears returned. “I love you, too.”
At this, he surged to his feet and pulled her with him. “You do?”
“Yes.” She smiled, holding his face between her palms. “I love you.”
He shifted closer and kissed her then, a happy and excited kiss at first, but then it slowed down to a deep, heartfelt journey of confirmation of everything they’d just admitted to one another. When they drew back for air, he tucked her head to his shoulder and held her tight.
As her breathing evened out, and her legs no longer threatened to buckle, she eased her grip on him and settled more comfortably against him.
“I know it’s crazy. It’s only been a few weeks, but I feel what I feel.
” And she also felt his strong, reassuring heartbeat beneath her ear, and it empowered her to continue. “I’m sorry about my family, Ryder.”
“Hey,” he drew back, and dipped down to meet her gaze. “Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did they. It’s part of business.”
“Actually, it wasn’t.” She filled him in on Gino’s dealings, making sure he realized it wasn’t anything her family’s company would ever condone.
And that she hadn’t gone on more than that one date with the idiot.
“So, once they fulfill the contracts he signed in the Poconos, Colarusso Construction will work New York territories.”
He nodded. “I won’t lie, that is good news. But, if I had to, I’d adjust. I’d figure something out.”
“I know you would.” She played with his collar, brushing his warm skin in the process. “You’re a very resourceful guy.”
“It takes the right inspiration. And you’re it for me, Sophia.” He slid his hands down her back to rest on her hips. “You make me happy, too. The way you look at me. The way your hands feel on me. The fact you even want to be with me…it all makes me happy.”
“Good. I’m glad.” She smiled, into his warm gaze.
“I realized something over the past few days,” he said.
“The thought of never having any of that with you again scares me much more than opening up and letting you in. I may have acted like an idiot, but I’m not stupid.
I love you. I want you in my life. If I have to commute, I’ll commute.
I’ll do whatever you want, whatever it takes to make this work. ”
She swallowed past her hot throat, feeling so light and happy she could float clear up to the beautiful ceiling he created.
It was his thing. He created masterpieces.
Created homes for families to enjoy. Businesses for people to thrive.
He created a world of feeling and acceptance and strength for her that she never wanted to leave. “I love you, Ryder. So damn much.”
“Can we give them a standing ovation now?”
The sound of Ben’s voice made her jump. Ryder’s hands tightened around her as they both turned to glance at the back of the theater where two Wyne brothers and their wives stood smiling at them.
“Sorry,” he murmured. “Didn’t know the peanut gallery followed me.”
She slid her hands up around his neck and melted against him. “It’s okay. I don’t care who knows how I feel about you. I don’t have anything to hide.”
“Neither do I. In fact…” A slow, sexy smile stole across his face. “I like it best when there’s nothing between us at all.”