Chapter 51 #3
Mum leaned against the counter and crossed her arms. She tipped her head towards the door she’d closed behind us.
In a low voice she said, “Are you happy, love? Safe? Those two are big fellas and I can tell they’re both older than you.
” She glanced around the room, not able to meet my eyes.
“They’re, uh, not making you stay with them, are they? ”
I’d been about to laugh about them being older than me, but the concern in her eyes when she finally swung back to catch my gaze quickly doused any humour I’d been feeling about the situation.
“The absolute opposite,” I said firmly. “They’re two of the best blokes you could ever meet.
” I took the kettle and rinsed out a mug for Edwin with boiling water in the sink, on the off chance there could be a stray drop of milk clinging to it.
Paranoid, I know, but it gave me somewhere to focus — anywhere other than the worried face of the woman who felt like a stranger, yet at the same time I wanted nothing more than to bury myself in her embrace and go back in time to when I knew she was my mum.
“What do you mean?” There was a wobble in her voice. Oh God.
“I mean that I have experience of men treating me badly.” Her breath caught. “One man, really.” I sucked in a gulp of oxygen and clung to the edge of the worktop, willing my voice not to crack. “He was an abusive bastard. Ed-Edward was the one who helped me heal from that.”
“Oh, Jamie.” There was a weight to her words that made me turn around to face her once more. She was deathly pale. “I’m so sorry.”
I put the mug down. “It happened to you too.”
“About the time it all started going really wrong. I thought he was nice at first. Sympathetic. He’d give me money to get a sitter for you so we could go out.
” She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself.
“He was trying to drive a wedge between us. Between you and me. He didn’t like kids at all, it turned out. He wanted me for…other reasons.”
“You don’t have to tell me.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with her pain as well as my own. And yet, I suspected I needed to know.
“It’s okay. It’s still not excusing what I did.
I was young and stupid, but I should never have neglected you.
I failed you, Jamie, and that’ll be on my conscience until the day I die.
He…he convinced me I could do better than living on the social.
That there was easy money to be made if I listened to him.
Long story short, there was alcohol and drugs to numb it all, and threats of violence when I talked back.
Actual violence later.” She winced. “He broke my wrist once. But anyway, the point is, I didn’t put you first. And I should have.
The social were right to take you away. It might even have saved your life. ”
Fuck. I didn’t like to think that over a decade of lacklustre children’s homes and occasional foster parents was the bright, shiny alternative, but apparently I had a lot to be grateful for. “He didn’t break you though,” I offered. “You found your way back.”
A watery smile. “Aye, I did. Hit rock bottom, spent some time in a women’s shelter with only the bag I’d run with.
Got free of everything I’d thought I needed to get through the day.
Turns out I mostly liked the drink as a way to numb myself from his abuse.
I’m very lucky I don’t seem to have a body that gets easily addicted to stuff, although I’ve never touched booze or weed again, and I don’t want to know what else he forced on me over the years.
I got a room in a halfway house for vulnerable adults.
Then, I got a job at Asda” — she smiled properly now — “which I still have because they’re the best bunch of people I’ve ever worked with.
And finally, I got this flat. I’ve been here ever since.
It’s not much, but I’m thankful for every day I wake up. ”
I sifted quickly through everything, amazed that after all this time, Mum had kept her voice steady and her words clear so I had no trouble following her.
She’d obviously had a shit time, and she’d definitely fucked up her priorities when she had a small child, but she’d come out the other side, and so had I.
“You have Chris too. I presume he’s your boyfriend?”
She nodded. “He’s a good man. Steady. Nothing fazes him.
He even managed not to laugh when I told him my daft flights of fancy about Rollo.
He’s not fancy or rich, and I reckon most wouldn’t say he’s very handsome either, but he’s kind and he cares about me.
” The first hint of real vulnerability shone in her eyes. “I think he loves me.”
I managed to smile this time, although I felt perilously close to tears for some reason. “I think you’re right.”
She seemed to mentally give herself a shake. “We should make this tea. They’ll think we’ve forgotten them.”
We stayed maybe another hour. I discovered that Mum had finally made contact with her parents and brother about two years back.
My grandparents had mellowed considerably and were delighted to have their daughter back, as well as gutted to learn Mum had no idea where I was or what had become of me.
Of course, by that time I’d moved to Leeds and was ekeing out a living under the radar as much as possible, so unless you had a handy Baxter as a friend, she wouldn’t have been able to find me.
Mum said she was certain they would all love to meet me.
I stuffed the suggestion in a box of Things To Think About Later and promised I’d give it some consideration.
I also learned that the National Health Service’s attempts to fit me with hearing aids had gone disastrously.
For reasons no one could explain, the devices caused me intense pain which left me screaming and sobbing.
Eventually, there’d been a note on my file that I was considered an anomaly and to accept that there were limitations to the understanding of the doctors at the time.
Any adaptations to my hearing loss had to come from other people giving me time to process and by being proactive in facilitating this by speaking clearly, et cetera.
I realised while she was explaining that of course they hadn’t helped; hearing aids had batteries which were electrical.
Apparently, I did have some issues with technology.
We left after exchanging phone numbers and promising to keep in touch.
I sensed she wanted to hug me, but I wasn’t ready for that, so it was an awkward goodbye which left me unsettled.
Edwin kept an arm around me as he ushered me to the car, where Trace swiftly drove us back to our rented flat.
Between them they settled me on the big bed and fussed over me.
“I’m fine,” I protested. “I just need to sit and think it all through. Go to the pub or something.” Don’t leave me.
They didn’t stir from my side. The next evening, Trace drove us to the coast, to another little flat we’d rented on the outskirts of Bridlington.
Edwin unpacked, then they coaxed me out of my temporary paralysis and onto the beach, which was cool under my bare feet, empty, and blissfully wild.
The sea was dark and also wild, but the aroma of salt and seaweed surrounded me like a comfort blanket I’d not known I was missing.
This was my first visit to the seaside, but it would not be my last. I was entranced.
We walked for what felt like half the night, Edwin passing me snacks at intervals from a cool bag Trace had packed. We didn’t speak much, and frankly it was blowing a gale half the time which messed with my hearing, so I’d probably not have heard much anyway.
Finally, too worn out to continue my pacing of the wide expanse of sand, and exhausted enough that I was hopeful I’d sleep, I begged to be returned to the holiday home.
Edwin kissed me until I was dizzy, then swung me up onto his back and fucking jogged back to the flat.
Trace found my outrage hilarious, and eventually I broke down into stuttering giggles at the absurdity of the moment.
Once inside, Trace peeled off my salty clothes and shoved me gently under the shower. Edwin had hot chocolate waiting for me when I shuffled into the lounge draped in a fluffy towel.
“So, too soon to talk about Mummy dearest?” He handed me the mug when I slumped into a chair.
I pulled a face. “Dunno. Aye, probably. Wouldn’t mind talking about my father though.” I corrected myself instantly. “Alleged father.”
Trace had his chin resting on his hands, his long legs folded under him.
“I thought you might say that.” He smiled at me.
“While you were in the shower, Eddie had a word with Baxter. He got Saffi’s number.
She’s a Fae on the Council who lives this side of the Glimmer,” he clarified when I gave him a blank look.
“If you want to search for this Rollo, she’s the best place to begin. ”