Seventeen
ZAK
I’m not sure what brings me to the park. Even when I’m out this way, I usually avoid the area. There’s too many families here that make me feel… unwanted. I remember going to a park when my mother was alive, and having moments just like the ones I see being shared. Core memories are being made.
I know that’s what they are because I have them from a time when my life wasn’t shit. But I still remember them. I hold them close, but rarely think about them because the memories hurt too much.
Sometimes, I allow myself to imagine what my life would be like right now if my father hadn’t left. Would I still have a home? Maybe I would have graduated high school and then college. Would I have a respectable job and my own place? Would my mom and I still be close?
I can’t help but imagine myself having the kind of relationship with my parents that my friends have.
Discounting Clarinda because I can’t count that as a relationship at all.
But Edgar is close with his family. Well, close-ish.
Gravity and his family fight, but I know they love each other deeply.
They’d all drop everything if someone needs something. I’ve seen it happen.
What would my relationship with my mother look like now if she were here?
I don’t count the parents I had after her. Not my supposed father and his wife—the parents who abandoned me. It was clear when I showed up on their door at eleven that I wasn’t known about, nor was I wanted.
I’m not sure they tried very hard. There were times when I thought maybe they did.
Like they thought, hey, we could be the ideal family.
I had very few memories of those moments, but the brief instances existed like a time outside of reality.
Then maybe they decided it was too hard to maintain that pretense.
The house was always quiet. They were a very subdued couple.
It was so different from my mom’s house.
There was always music there. We laughed and talked and watched movies together.
None of that happened in my second parents’ home.
They did calm things like read and… crossword puzzles or something.
Something about the families in the park made me wander in today, and I find myself staring at them and reminiscing. Allowing myself a moment, which I rarely do, I remember my mother and the fun we had.
I remember it so clearly. Her smile. The way her dark hair fanned out around her in the breeze. The way she chased me after throwing me the ball. How we laughed when we tumbled to the ground, now covered in grass stains.
We’d share bottles of lemonade after, and a quick snack of granola bars. Then we’d play again. Tag, this time. We dodged back and forth, laughing and shouting together.
Sighing, I blink away the memory and come face to face with…
“Owen?” I ask. Did I imagine him in my family memory now?
His hands land gently on my legs and no, he’s really here. Not a figment of my imagination.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, too shocked to process anything.
“Looking for you,” he says.
Too confused. “Why?”
“Why?” he repeats, frowning. Then his fingers gently touch my cheek. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we met, Zak.”
My breath catches. No. No, I can’t do this today.
“I’m done letting destiny or fate or whatever decide when our paths are going to cross again—though I might add that they’ve basically planted us in each other’s way four times now, Zak. I make my own future and that’s you. Am I clear?”
My tongue feels far too heavy to answer, so I shake my head. No. No, it’s definitely not clear. I blink, trying to push away the sudden urge to cry.
“Which part isn’t clear?” Owen asks.
“I-I just…”
“Listen to me.” He frames my face with his hands, keeping my eyes locked with his. “I’m going to ask you this, and the only consideration I want you to take into account when answering is what you want . Nothing else. Understand me?”
I nod.
“Do you like me like I like you? If not, I’ll go away and never bother you again. I promise. But tell me—do you like me?”
My breath shivers as I nod.
“Do you want to see me? Do you want to be with me?”
“I do but?—”
“No,” Owen counters, covering my lips with his thumb. “I want an answer based only on what you want. What you think.”
“Yes,” I say, but my face crumbles. “But you don’t understand.”
“What don’t I understand?”
“I don’t belong in your world,” I wail. Either that, or the words barely leave my mouth.
“We’re from the same world, Zak,” he says gently. “Why can’t you see that?”
“We aren’t,” I whisper, my voice trembling.
Owen stares at me for so long I begin to fidget. When he starts nodding slowly, my heart sinks. He gets to his feet and I’m sure this is the last time I’ll ever see him.
Words fail me when he sits beside me, turning me in his direction. “You think because I play hockey and live where I do that we’re from different worlds,” he says.
Swallowing, I nod. “Yes. We are.”
“No, we’re not,” he insists. “I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. In a little one-bedroom house with my parents sleeping in the living room on a pull-out couch. They spent every spare penny they had to make sure I could play hockey. It’s a very expensive sport between the equipment, team fees, and travel, but they sacrificed everything to make sure I could play.
They were there at every single game to support me.
I came from a very happy but poor home. I wasn’t born with a large bank account. ”
His words should make me feel better, but I just stare at him, unsure what to make of this revelation. When I don’t speak, he does.
“If you really want to focus on the different classes, then there you go. I worked to get where I am, and I fight hard to stay where I am. But Zak, I came from nothing.”
I take a breath, swallowing the overwhelming feeling in my chest.
“Come home with me.”
“No, I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “I can’t. I’m not?—”
“You are,” he insists.
I laugh. It’s watery and tears trickle down my cheeks, landing on his hands. “You don’t know what I was going to say.”
“If it starts with ‘I can’t,’ I object to whatever it is regardless,” Owen says.
I close my eyes. He doesn’t move. Doesn’t let me go. When I finally find the courage to look at him again, he’s staring intently at me. “Do you want me?”
I should tell him no. He needs to find someone who won’t embarrass him. Instead, my body does what it wants and I nod.
“Come home with me, Zak.”
I nod again because what else can I do?
Owen pulls me to his chest and I let myself fall into him. After another minute in the park, he stands and pulls me to my feet. Keeping my hand firmly in his, he walks to the exit with me in tow.
I stare at him. I’ve been imagining him just like this. Whisking me away and tucking me into his bed, where he refuses to let me go. He’s my prince charming. My happily ever after. I’ve imagined this exact moment so many times since meeting him.
There’s a chance that I’m imagining it now.
“I found him. I’m taking him home.”
His words, his voice, remind me I’m really here. Really in this moment. It’s actually happening. When he hangs up, I ask, “Who did you tell you found me?”
Owen smiles and slows down so he can wrap his arm around my waist and kiss my temple. “Gravity.”
My eyes widen. “You know Gravity?”
He chuckles. “Now I do. I told you—I don’t let anyone determine my future except me.
I might have humored you for a while to see if whatever karma was paying attention would let us meet again, but it became obvious you were fighting karma when she made it clear that we’re supposed to be together. So I went looking for you.”
I laugh, shaking my head. It sounds ridiculous and slightly hysterical. “I can’t believe you were looking for me. There are so many people in the city.”
We come to a stop at the park’s exit and he takes my face in his hand. “Yes; and somehow, we kept meeting up in very unlikely situations.” Owen kisses me softly. “I need you to stop fighting the universe, sweetheart. I’m taking you home and I’m not letting you go.”
My lips part.
“Understand me. If you run—and we both know that your head may tell you to run, but your heart wants to be caught—I will chase you. And I will catch you, Zak.”
I don’t know why that brings tears to my eyes, but it does. The world around me blurs and I am overcome with the need to figure out how to take another damn breath.
A car stops in front of us at the curb, causing a whole ruckus of horns blaring as they swerve around him.
We climb in and the car immediately takes off, almost before the door is closed.
Owen doesn’t let me go the entire ride. I cuddle into his side and close my eyes, breathing him in.
He’s really here. He’s really holding me.
We get to his condo and he still doesn’t let go of my hand as he guides me into his home.
We don’t talk as he pulls me deeper inside to his bathroom, where he strips me and showers me.
I close my eyes and enjoy the feel of him while trying to ignore the way my body lights up at his every single touch.
He doesn’t touch me except to clean me, though.
When the water is off, Owen wraps a warm, fluffy towel around me and reminds me that my toothbrush is right where I left it.
With a sigh, I brush my teeth, taking a little longer than the recommended two minutes just to enjoy the feeling of my mouth being clean.
Owen returns with clothes and helps me into them. They’re all far too big. I’m swimming in them. But they’re so warm and soft that I can’t stop cuddling into them.
Then we’re in the kitchen where he heats up a huge piece of lasagna from his fridge and sets it before me. I devour it. The small bowl of cereal I had at Edgar’s house this morning didn’t cut it. It never does.
When I’ve had my fill, Owen leads me to the living room, and we sit down on the couch. He’s still touching me, as if he can’t stop. For which I’m grateful because I need to keep reminding myself that this is real. I’m really here.
“Now what?” I ask.
“Let’s talk about some things,” he says. “Hard things. Then we can make a plan. Are you ready?”
I’m definitely in no way even a little bit ready. But I nod.
“Tell me what you need to feel better about this situation. Tell me what’s standing in your way.”
Without going too far back, I say the very basics of things. “I need a GED so I can get a job,” I whisper, feeling my cheeks burn. “But I need forms of identification first and I ordered them weeks ago, but they haven’t shown up.”
“Okay,” Owen says. “We’ll work on that. What else?”
I lick my lips and shake my head. “Umm… I don’t know. I guess those are my immediate hurdles.”
“Then this is what we’re going to do to work on the obstacles holding you back: first, I’m going to get you a phone.
It’s easier to follow up with things like acquiring your social security card and birth certificate if you have a way for people to contact you reliably.
Also, I want to be able to communicate with you.
You can use my laptop until we figure out what kind of laptop you need.
We’ll get you clothes that fit. You’ll have the code to my condo, and we’ll get your name on the list at the gate. ”
I'm shaking my head at the very beginning. All these things… for free. “No. I can’t.”
His hand grips my face, bringing my eyes to meet his.
“You can, Zak. This isn’t about sympathy or charity or anything like that.
This is because I want you to succeed, and I want to be with you.
It’s very clear that you’re only going to feel good about either of these things if you can get to a place where you don’t feel helpless. Right?”
I swallow and nod.
“You’re not helpless, Zak,” he murmurs. “You’re in complete control right now.
The only thing standing in your way is you.
Don’t let your pride or even your shame keep you from making it over the hurdles before you.
I’m not helping you because I feel sorry for you.
I’m helping you because you’re mine to take care of.
You’re mine to support. You’re mine to make smile and make happy.
If having a job will make you happy, then we’ll do what we need to do to get to that point.
We’re in this together, Zak. No more taking it all on alone. Understand?”
Oh, I understood his words just fine, but every single one of them makes it harder and harder to breathe. Why does he have to say all the right things? Why am I still having a hard time accepting this? “What do you want in return?” I whisper. “Sex?”
Owen frowns. “No. No more sex.”
My eyes widen. “Really? But why?”
He sighs and rests his forehead against mine. “Aren’t you listening to me? I want you , Zak. You. Sex is a bonus that we’ll get back to, but you as a person is what I want most in the world.”
My lip trembles.
“You will initiate every sexual encounter going forward,” he says quietly. “I need you to understand, trust, and believe that it’s your heart that’s my goal. Not your body.”
“You really want me?” I say, voice quivering.
He shifts so he can look steadily in my eyes. “More than anything.”
I take a deep breath, climb into his lap, and finally allow myself to wrap around him. I cling like a terrified child, shaking and gasping for breath. But there aren’t tears anymore. Not this time. I can feel his arms around me. I feel his honesty and… his affection.
This right here, this is mine. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this, but I’m going to be a better person for this man.
“I want you too,” I say, but keep every other promise inside. He doesn’t see things the way I do, and I guess that’s fine. I’ll just have to fight to get to a place where we’re on more even ground. “I’ve wanted you since we met.”
“About time you admit that,” he teases. I grin. His arms tighten, making it that much more difficult to take a full breath. I don’t care in the least. “I’m never letting you go, Zak,” he vows. “Understand me?”
I swallow and nod. I never want to be let go of. Not when Owen’s the one holding on.