14. Thora
THORA
T he next morning, Thora woke to find a covering of snow over the village.
The roads were clear, but the roofs of cottages and shops were white.
Snow dusted the decks of boats in the harbour, trees and hedges.
Porthpenny looked so pretty that she took her time as she strolled with Barry, letting herself appreciate the beauty of the village she lived in while soaking up the festive atmosphere created by the Christmas tree and the lights that glowed in the windows of cottages and shops.
Barry wasn’t so sure about the snow, and he tried to eat some several times, then barked in shock at how cold it was.
When they got home, Thora dried his tiny paws and gave him a snack, then he settled in his cosy bed near the radiator in the lounge while she cleaned around before setting off to walk two dogs in the village.
It was early afternoon when she walked up to The Garden Café, and by then, a lot of the snow had melted, much to her daughter’s chagrin, she knew.
Rosie had messaged her from school to say she hoped it would snow more so she could get a day off.
There was nothing like a snow day when you were still at school, Thora thought, but she doubted it would happen.
Her walk to work was cold but bright, and she savoured the chilly air as it filled her lungs and refreshed her.
She hadn’t slept well the night before, as her mind had been awhirl with memories and questions about the past and present.
There were so many things to think about on a daily basis, and now that Lucas was back, things were even more complicated.
She hadn’t seen him in years and that had allowed her to focus on her days, but now that he was here, she felt different.
For so long she had been a wife and mum, devoted to her family, working hard to pay the bills and to put food on the table.
But now … Parts of her that had seemed to fade long ago were awakening like spring flowers as the winter snow thawed.
It was the strangest feeling, and it made her uneasy because while she felt more alive than she’d felt for some time, she was also afraid.
Feeling this awake could be good, but it could also open her up to being vulnerable.
During her marriage to Finn, she’d been content and life had been fine, but now that security blanket was gone and she was exposed to what Lucas represented for her.
He wasn’t just a person from her past, he was a reminder of who she used to be, and who she might still want to become.
While she’d been with Finn, she’d been faithful to him, and being married had enabled her to push all thoughts of her first love to the back of her mind.
But when Finn had confessed that he wasn’t truly happy, and that something wasn’t right, she’d felt her past rearing up like a wild stallion, threatening to turn her stability into chaos.
She reached the gate to the gardens and paused for a moment to gaze out at the sea.
Over the years, she had done this countless times, and it never grew old.
The dark expanse of water hid so many things, and yet now and then, it revealed things too.
The water brought things to the shore like empty crab shells, seaweed, coloured glass, bottles, and pieces of wood.
It left them on the sand like offerings to an ancient god and waited for people to claim them.
If people didn’t claim them, the tide often took them away again.
Was that what love was like, too? If you didn’t claim the offering, did the other person reclaim it and hide their feelings?
Lucas had loved her once, she knew he had, but then something had happened and they’d fallen out and he’d withdrawn just as she had.
They’d been young and stubborn and they’d put space and time between them.
What if they had made a terrible mistake?
What if there had been a way to work through what had happened and be together?
All those years could have been so different, and yet she knew she wouldn’t change a thing because those years had given her Rosie and Reggie and many happy times.
She couldn’t regret not chasing after Lucas because that would mean regretting her children, and that was something she would never do.
She took one more deep breath of fresh air, then went through the gate and into the café gardens, admiring the snow that lay on the grass, pure and untouched except for the tiny prints left by birds.
T he afternoon flew by as she served a steady stream of customers.
Pearl and Ellie had gone at two, so Thora was alone until closing at seven.
She was about to give up on Lucas when he came inside, his cheeks rosy from a walk in the cold.
His handsome face broke into a smile when he spotted her.
He waited at the counter while she spoke to some customers and picked up empty plates.
‘I thought you’d changed your mind,’ she said, placing the plates on the counter.
‘Dad was in a pickle because he couldn’t find his reading glasses. He has three different pairs and refuses to get varifocals.’
‘Did you find them?’ she asked.
‘Yes.’ Lucas laughed. ‘He was wearing them while he read the paper in the bathroom and he took them off and left them on the sink.’
‘On no!’ Thora smiled. ‘At least you found them.’
‘Thank goodness. He was getting really worked up. He hates not being able to read or do the crossword. Anyway, he was hungry then, so I had to make him some lunch and settle him for a nap before I left. I asked if he wanted to come for a walk, but he’s tired after last night and didn’t fancy coming out in the snow.
I told him we could wrap him up warm, but he wasn’t keen at all. ’
‘It was lovely when I walked to work,’ Thora said.
‘It’s getting frosty now, so be careful on the way back down.’ Lucas removed his hat. ‘I can walk with you if you like? Make sure you don’t slip.’
‘I think I can manage to walk myself down,’ she said. ‘I’ve been doing it for long enough.’
Lucas’ eyes widened. ‘Of course. Sorry. I didn’t mean to?—’
‘No, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. It was unnecessary. A part of me gets defensive sometimes when there’s no need to do so.’
They gazed at each other like they were trying to work out if they had changed too much to establish a new connection.
‘I would be very grateful if you’d walk down to the village with me,’ Thora said eventually. ‘I do hate falling over.’
Lucas’ lips turned upwards. ‘I’d think most people hate falling over.’
‘Oh, I don’t know … some might like it. You know, like clowns and stunt people.’
They laughed, and then Lucas looked down at the plates on the counter. ‘Can I give you a hand to tidy up? Make it faster for you to close for the day?’
‘That would be great.’ Thora gestured at the remaining customers sitting on the green sofa. ‘I’m sure they won’t be long.’
Ten minutes later, the customers had gone, and she locked the door, then placed her hands in the small of her back and stretched.
‘You OK?’ Lucas asked.
She met his eyes in the reflection in the window. ‘Yeah … Just getting older and stiffer.’
‘It’s not all fun and games, right?’ he said.
‘Not at all, sadly.’ She turned around. ‘Right, would you like that drink?’
‘Please.’
‘Coffee?’
‘Perfect.’
He helped her to clear the tables, then they took them through to the kitchen.
Thora started loading the dishwasher and Lucas was handing her cutlery for the top shelf when a fork slipped from his hand.
They both bent over to reach for it, but she grabbed it first. As they went to stand up again, Thora realised how close they were.
She met his eyes, his pupils dilated and his lips parted.
He was so close she could smell his spicy cologne, sense his warmth, feel the energy vibrating in the air between them.
Lucas reached out and touched her cheek and electricity jolted through her making her limbs tingle and a tiny spark rippled down her spine. She closed her eyes as he moved closer, and then their lips met.
For the first time in almost twenty years.
She dropped the fork, and it clattered to the floor, then slid her arms around his neck.
He picked her up, wrapped her legs around his waist and carried her to the kitchen island.
He held her there, gazing into her eyes and she felt lightheaded, dizzy with longing and the conflicting emotions bubbling inside her.
And then they were kissing, their bodies pressed close, their hearts racing.
Lucas kissed her in a way her whole body remembered, and she moaned against his lips as the years dropped away.
She was no longer forty-one but eighteen, fizzing with youthful excitement and enthusiasm and looking forward to a future with this man.
He entwined his hands in her hair, and she touched his cheeks, his neck, his shoulders, wanting to believe he was there in the way she’d dreamt about so many times.
Lucas broke off the kiss, leaning back to meet her gaze. He caressed her cheeks, and his blue eyes shone like still pools, deep and filled with emotions she could only guess were reflected in hers.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’
They were both gasping and their bodies were still pressed together.
He extricated himself from her and helped her off the island.
They straightened their clothes and Thora felt shame wash over her as she realised what she’d just done.
This was where she worked and she’d let all that slip away as she’d kissed her former lover, acted like a teenager.
She snorted then at how awful it was as nervous laughter fizzed in her stomach. ‘Oh god!’ she said, and Lucas tilted his head.
‘What’s funny?’ he asked.
‘Us! Acting like kids again.’
He chewed at his bottom lip, then he smiled too. ‘We are, aren’t we? But … I don’t know what came over me. I felt like I was eighteen again and I couldn’t help myself. Over the years, I’ve thought about doing that so many times and it was like I lost control.’
‘We always had amazing chemistry,’ Thora said.
‘The best.’ He cupped her face in his big hands and held her gaze. ‘It’s still there, isn’t it? Tell me I’m not wrong about that.’
‘You’re not wrong. But … so much has happened, Lucas. We’re not eighteen anymore.’
His eyes searched her face. ‘We’re not. But we’re still human beings with needs and wants, desires and … there’s a connection here still.’ He took her hand and placed it on his chest. She felt the strong heartbeat beneath her palm and tears pricked her eyes.
‘We can’t just go back, Lucas,’ she said as a tear escaped and trickled down her cheek.
‘No, but we can go forwards.’ He brushed the tear away, then kissed the trail it had left on her cheek. ‘We have that opportunity.’
‘I’m a mum.’
‘That doesn’t mean you can’t have a partner by your side.’
‘No, but?—’
He kissed her and silenced her objections, words she felt she should say but didn’t want to. This man had once been her everything but now she had other priorities and he could never be the centre of her world as he once had been. Could he accept that?
‘I know things are very different now, Thora, but that’s not a bad thing.
We’re older and wiser, hopefully, and maybe we can see if this connection is still strong enough to bring us together.
No pressure, but I care about you still.
I never stopped and there has never been anyone else for me.
You still own my heart. You always have.
’ He pressed her hand to his chest again, and she nodded.
‘Now how about we have that coffee and then I’ll walk you home? ’
‘G-good idea,’ she said.
‘I’ll put the dishwasher on, and you make the coffee.’
Thora went through to the front of the café, her whole body buzzing with electricity that Lucas had aroused with his kisses and caresses. There was no way she could deny that they still had chemistry, but whether or not they could embrace it and move forwards together remained to be seen.
All they could do was take things one step at a time. As discretely as possible because she had Rosie and Reggie to think about, as well as her own vulnerable heart.