21. Thora
THORA
‘ T his song. Oh god, this song. The feelings it brings back. The memories. Lucas, I…’ Thora paused as she struggled to find the words to tell Lucas what she was feeling in her heart.
The snow fall thickened, turning everything white, settling on their lashes and their hats, every surface around them. ‘I’m terrified.’
He frowned. ‘Of what?’
‘I can’t keep this inside any longer, Lucas. I’m terrified of what this is between us.’ Her voice trembled and her hand that still sat against his chest shook. ‘It broke me losing you last time and the fear of losing you is something I don’t know how to live with again.’
He covered her hand with his and held it against his chest, gazed into her eyes as if he had the key to her soul. ‘I understand because I feel it too.’
‘But … You only have to worry about yourself. I’m a mum. I have two children I can’t let down. If you broke my heart again, I’d let my children down and they would suffer. That would be selfish of me. Rosie and Reggie are everything. They’re my reason and have been since they were born.’
‘I understand that, and we’d ensure they were taken care of.’ His eyes scanned her face, uncertainty in their depths now, as if he feared her next words would break him.
‘Things keep coming back to me,’ she whispered. ‘You said … You said I was boring for not wanting to leave Porthpenny.’
‘Thora … I was young. I was an idiot, and I was searching for words to hurt you because I was hurting.’
‘But I believed it. I thought I must be boring for years. But I like who I am now, and I can’t allow that to change.’
‘I never thought you were boring. I promise you that.’
‘I-I’ve worked so hard to create a stable life with a home and two jobs and even though Finn and I spilt up, Rosie and Reggie have a good life.
But this isn’t the life you want, is it?
You have a career and a home and a life in London.
I’m just me. The same person I’ve always been.
I don’t see how things can have changed for you. Not really.’
‘Thora please?—’
‘I can’t, Lucas. I’ve tried to think about how I can but it’s not just about me anymore.
My feelings for you are too strong, too overpowering.
Since I saw you back in the village, I’ve been unable to think straight.
It’s like you dominate my thoughts and that can’t be right.
This can only lead to heartbreak again.’
‘Please don’t do this. Let me explain why I was such an idiot before and…’
But Thora slipped out of his grasp and shook her head.
Her heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces, but her fear was colder than the snow and her whole body trembled with its power.
She had responsibilities that couldn’t be abandoned and she had people who relied upon her.
In future years, her parents would need her too and if Lucas decided he wanted to stay in London, then they’d have to separate again because she couldn’t walk away from her commitments.
His only responsibility was his father, but she had far more responsibilities, and she wasn’t willing to forsake them all simply because she was falling for him again.
‘I need to end this now,’ she said, as she stepped away from him, creating space between them that felt hollow and cold, and as barren as the years when they’d been apart. ‘I thought I could do this, but I quite clearly can’t. I’m not brave enough or strong enough. Lucas, I’m so sorry.’
She turned and marched back towards the village hall.
Lucas called her name, but she kept her head down and trudged through the snow, not caring that her face was aching with the shock of the cold or that her feet were wet as snow sneaked inside the legs of her boots.
Nothing could hurt her as much as letting go of Lucas a second time, and so she welcomed the physical sensations because they were a temporary distraction from what she had just done.