Chapter 19
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
It’s hard to explain how the subtle tortures of this place add up as the days and months turn to years.
No fresh air or sunshine, no sight of the sky.
Just gray walls and cold food. Sweating through sweltering summers with no relief and shivering winters with only the barest amount of heat to keep the pipes from freezing.
The hopelessness of it is worse than the occasional backhand or punch dealt out if we make a mistake.
We get some relief at night, especially when Troy manages to sneak a couple of joints or pills into his pocket.
I like Valium the best, the dreamy, relaxed state it puts me in, but most of the time, it’s weed.
I routinely find cigarette lighters in the dirty pants pockets and we’ve both hidden one in our cells.
Troy has a long, bent wire with duct tape on the end that we use to pass things through the vent.
Once the governors are gone and we’re locked in for the night, we get high and listen to music.
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden has been on repeat since I managed to record it for Troy. The lyrics break my heart as I sit in the shadow of these walls, where no hope gets in.
Music has always been a comfort and link between us, from the first night he broke the handle of a radio so I could have it. When one of us has a particularly bad day, it always ends the same. With us lying on opposites sides of the wall as he says, “Play our song, sweetheart.”
As I lie in the dark, I wonder if he’s trying to keep my hope alive or his. They may not have torn us apart from each other, but they’re shredding us slowly from the inside out.
We’ve been prisoners for two years and two months. It’s the first day of January, and a snowstorm is blanketing the state. All day while I work, I can’t stop staring up at the window to watch the flakes fall.
Matron Ruth delivers triple the amount of food as usual and cautions us to make it last. She won’t be back until after the storm.
It’s late at night when Governor Nolan returns to put us in our cells.
Troy’s cleaning up the area where he was packaging pills, and I’m folding the blankets I washed for the sons’ dorm when he walks in.
Of all the leaders I have to deal with, Governor Nolan has become the worst. Keeper only shows up to let us out of the cells. He must not trust the others with the key, but the governors come at night to close us back in since the cell locks automatically when the door is closed.
Governor Nolan is almost always drunk or high on something. He relishes his prison guard status, strutting around with a taser and knife attached to his belt.
I hate the way he looks at me, with a mix of lust and hate, and tonight is no exception. He runs his eyes over me, making me feel naked despite the two layers of clothing I’m wearing because of the cold. “You should be done by now.”
“I’m sorry. I only have to fold these last few,” I explain.
“What about you?” he demands, regarding Troy.
“I’m finished.”
When I bend over to pull another blanket out of the dryer, Governor Nolan steps up behind me, pressing his crotch to my ass. His hand lands on my back, holding me down. “I could fuck you right here, Sinful. I’ll bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
His words are slightly slurred, and his sudden action catches me off guard. He’s never touched me before or threatened anything like this. I feel frozen for a moment, hesitant and unsure how to answer.
Troy has no such problem. “Get the fuck off of her!”
His demand works. Governor Nolan lets me go, and the grin on his face when he looks at Troy sends ice down my spine.
He walks toward him. “Look at you, all worked up over a sinful whore. You haven’t learned a thing, have you? Maybe if you watch me fuck her and see how much she likes it...”
Troy’s posture is rigid, his jaw clenched. I watch as his hand rolls into a fist. Governor Nolan either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, but I’m terrified of what’s coming.
“Troy, don’t,” I plead.
His voice is flat, but rage bleeds through every syllable. “If you touch her, I’ll kill you.”
Governor Nolan laughs and steps up to him, confident the man chained to the floor would never dare to touch him. “Let’s test that threat. Where do you want me to start? Maybe I’ll put it in her ass. I know you weren’t man enough to do that.”
Troy’s fist moves so fast that I don’t realize he’s swung until Governor Nolan’s head snaps back, blood spurting from his nose. He kicks him between his legs, sending him to his knees.
I can’t believe this is happening. The governors will kill him for this. He has to get out of here. “The keys!” I shout, and Troy nods, lunging for Governor Nolan.
If he can get the keys, he can unlock himself from the chain. If he can beat him, we might be able to run. There’s no one else around.
I shouldn’t have said anything, but the words flew out in my panic.
Troy didn’t need to be told to grab the keys, and all I did was warn Governor Nolan.
Before Troy can do anything else, he’s hit by the taser and drops to the floor.
The darts are stuck in his chest. He reaches to try to pull them out and gets shocked again.
“You’re done here, you piece of shit,” Governor Nolan snaps. He zaps him again then drags him down the hall out of sight.
He’s going to kill him. “Troy!” My scream echoes through the place and the skin on my ankle tears as I yank at the chain, desperate to get to him. “Please, don’t! I’ll do whatever you want! You can do whatever you want to me, please!”
I know better. Deep down, I know. Pleas and promises have never worked and never will on men only interested in hurting us. But I’m losing my mind, losing every bit of self control I have. If he kills him, he’d better kill me too. I can’t do this anymore without him.
I hear the clang of a cell door closing and Troy shouts, “No! Stay the fuck away from her! Sybil! Sybil!”
The horror and anguish in his voice turns my stomach, but I’ve never felt fear like I do when Governor Nolan stalks toward me. Blood runs from his nose to his cruel smile. Terror steals my words but there’s nothing I could say that’s going to stop him anyway.
I have to choose the right moment to fight back. If I can’t incapacitate him somehow, Troy won’t survive the night. My mind races and I put my hands up to show him I intend to cooperate.
He chuckles, shaking his head and swiping his arm across his lips to wipe away the blood.
“You loved that, didn’t you? Seeing what you’ve done to him.
Just like Jezebel encouraged Ahab to choose evil over obedience.
You’re a corrupter, an instigator of wickedness.
” His gaze rolls over me, making my skin crawl. “A seducer.”
I’m trying to think, to plan, but it’s hard when I know what he intends to do to me.
His taser is gone, but there’s still a knife in his belt.
I force myself not to look at it. I have to wait for the right moment.
I have to play along and be the terrified, obedient woman he’s expecting me to be.
It isn’t hard. My entire body is shaking.
“I’m sorry, Governor,” I squeak out.
Troy is still shouting my name while Governor Nolan unlocks the chain around my ankle. He starts marching me toward the hallway of cells. “Relax, she’s right here,” he calls cheerfully, shoving me against the wall in front of Troy’s cell.
I’ll never forget the expression on Troy’s face. The helpless rage and devastation there as Governor Nolan orders me to take my shirt off. I obey, removing my sweater and the long-sleeved shirt below it, baring my breasts.
He turns to Troy. “Shut the fuck up and stay right where you are. If I see you not watching, I’ll cut her throat right here.”
There’s not an ounce of me that doesn’t believe that, and I can see Troy does too. I look into his eyes. “It’s okay. I’ll be okay.”
Governor Nolan throws his head back, laughing.
“We’ll see if you’re so confident of that with my dick in your ass.
” He unbuckles his jeans and tugs them down just far enough to pull it out.
“But first, let’s see what’s so special about a Jezebel’s pussy that he’d throw his whole life away for you. Get your pants off.”
The knife is still in his belt, hanging slackly in his sagging waistband. It’s now or never.
Slowly, I unfasten my pants, then crouch a little as I pull them down to the ground. My hands tremble so badly, I’m afraid I’ll fumble it, but I have to try. As I stand back up, I snatch the knife and drive it into his neck as hard as I can.